Everybody Hurts
A/N: This story goes against what I think about Ziva but if you read the end author's note you will understand that it was a form of therapy for me. Anyway enjoy or not :-) This is my first lyric story too, based on 'Everybody Hurts' by R.E.M.
When Gibbs finally told them they could leave Tony couldn't have left any faster, he couldn't handle being in the same room as his colleagues any longer. He'd fought his feelings and insisted that he was fine and just needed to work to keep occupied but it hadn't helped him.
When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough
Of this life, well hang on
Tony was sat alone in his car thinking about the news that he had just heard, Ziva was dead. His strong and tough ninja warrior was gone. They hadn't talked in over a year, hadn't seen one another in longer. He always thought that they would be together again, that they had time. Now he didn't know what he was supposed to do, he was alone.
Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes
Tears began to stream like a waterfall down Tony's cheeks as he thought about the what if's. What if he had stayed instead of running back here? What if he had tried harder to convince her to come back with him? What if he had stayed in contact with her? What if he had visited her? All he could do was think about what could have been.
Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you've had too much
Of this life, well hang on
Tony didn't want to know what life would be like without Ziva being in it even if she wasn't in his life she was still a massive part of it. Tony's heart was being ripped apart inside of him as he thought about Ziva, about her smile, her lips, her eyes, her misunderstanding of American idioms. The more he thought about her the more he was determined to hold on to her.
Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don't throw your hand, oh no
Tony knew that McGee, Abby, Ducky, Jimmy, and even Gibbs were hurting too and although that brought him comfort knowing that Ziva had touched all of them enough for them to be hurt by her loss it didn't make losing her any easier. He was determined not to let anyone forget about Ziva, she would remain with them all forever.
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone
No, no, no, you are not alone
Even this didn't make Tony feel like he wasn't alone, he was the only one who had been in a relationship with Ziva, no matter how short it had been. He was the only one who had been madly, deeply in love with her. He knew that he was alone in that feeling and that no one else would be able to understand the pain that that brought him. Tony also knew that he could still tell his friends, their friends, about his feelings and talk to them.
If you're on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Tony knew that he wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight and that this was going to be worse on him than anything else he had experienced would be. He thought that leaving Ziva was the hardest thing that he had ever done but knowing that he wouldn't get to see her ever again was a lot harder.
Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
Everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes
Tony wiped the tears from his face and tried to think of all of the good times with Ziva and all of the good things about her. Thinking about his leaving her was only hurting him more, there was nothing he could do now and regretting everything would probably just end up doing him more harm than good.
So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts
Tony thought again about Ziva's smile, her kisses, her hugs, her laugh, and most importantly the love that they shared. He remembered their time in Paris and vowed to visit there again some time soon to honour her memory. Tony knew that he was in for the hardest times in his life but he also knew that as long as he thought about Ziva and the good times they shared he would be able to survive the pain that was threatening to control him.
Death was final but the people you love will never really be dead, they'll forever live on in your memories. Tony found solace in this and knew that as long as he loved Ziva she would be with him forever, always in his heart right where she belonged.
A/N: You don't have to read the author's note if you choose not to, it's just something that I needed to write to admit to myself that death affects me more than I admit to those around me. I hope you enjoyed the story, I know it helped me :-)
As readers of my stories 'Love Story' and 'Far Away' know I love Tiva and refuse to believe that Ziva is dead. However I needed to write this story that goes against what I think because I've had to face a lot of death in the last four years of my life. I lost someone who I thought would never have to experience bullying, he was the nicest and funniest guy at school and he still killed himself because someone pushed him too far that was in year 12, four years ago. I lost my inspiration and my favourite confidant, my Grandma, last year and it nearly destroyed me. Four weeks ago someone who had been a close friend in high school and who went through so many of the same things I did lost her fight with anxiety and killed herself (something that still terrifies me because we were so alike, not just both having anxiety). Then the week after that my cousin who I never met and who went missing not long before I was born 21 years ago killed himself with an alcohol overdose. There have been others in my life that I've lost in this time and beyond it but none that have affected me as significantly. I don't mean to put this information on all of you I just wanted to let you know why I felt like I needed to write a story that is against what I think. Death is a life sentence to those left behind. Everyone experiences death differently and everyone knows that gut wrenching feeling you get when you do lose someone. Until today I hadn't really thought about how I was being affected by these four significant deaths in my life. I've been so busy with uni and making sure that the rest of my friends and family are okay that I didn't really have time to think about how I was. This story is a big leap in the right direction for me to be able to heal and I hope that you liked it even if you don't agree with it. Thanks for reading this part if you did, even if it means nothing to you it means a lot to me.