"Carla, sometimes I wonder where I went wrong with you. After you got yourself pregnant with that boy and then made him marry you I thought I would die from shame but now, here you are on your second marriage acting like you don't care about him or your marriage. Has some younger man turned your head? And you have this girl of yours to think about now. I don't even know why you kept her after Frank died. You went out and married Ray barely before the grass grew on Frank's grave."

My mother was always critical of my decisions from early on. My father was always my hero and when he was gone my mother became quite the shrew, in my opinion. I think that was why Frank and I decided to get married once I got pregnant. He had been on the receiving end of my mother's cutting toungue enough. He deliberately planned to be on the base when she would "drop by". I just wish she would be quiet when Anastasia was around. Ana always was quiet for days after one of momma's visits. It wasn't so bad when she was small because she didn't understand but it had gotten worse since her seventh birthday. Momma was never one to mince words with me but I will not allow her to do to my Ana what she had done to me all those years. It was bad enough that Frank's parents wouldn't even acknowledge me at his funeral and worse they practically accused me of killing him! I was still in the hospital when the chaplain came to see me. I thought it was some courtesy call after my birth but then they told me about the accident. So many things that I wasn't prepared to do, and I wasn't allowed to make any decisions. His parents took over, I wasn't even allowed to see him before the burial. I loved Frank so much...he was everything I needed. Strong, supportive, and he never once thought I deliberately got pregnant...so like my daddy. And when he saw Ana that day and held her, I just knew everything was going to be different for her...for me. But then that was all ripped away from us. I was in such pain from losing him, from my delivery. And then momma showed up to add her personal acid to the situation. I was going to have to move from base housing and I had no job or money. Frank's family had claimed the life insurance policy since we never got around to changing the beneficiary. Well, they gave me $2000 to go away. No where else to go I moved back in with her but I regretted it from the first day. Then I met Ray. He was similar to Frank and he loved Ana right away, treated her with such care you would think it was his own child. But momma was still not satisfied with my choices in life.

Ray was never a social person and I so loved to be around other people having fun, so when Ray would take Ana out on one of their little father/daughter outings I would sneak out to a club or one of the bars to just talk to someone different. But one day after a great time with some friends I ran into one of momma's aquintences. I knew I would get an earful of insults the next time I saw her. Deciding to take the bold move, I dressed Ana up the next morning and went to see if she wanted to go to church with us and maybe have lunch. My daughter looked so beautiful in her royal blue dress. I was so ready for the lecture I knew I was going to get.

"Well little Ana, are you trying to be like your mother? Looking all cutie for the boys? Are you going to be like her when you grow up, flirting with every boy who looks at you? Why look at you even now! In a few years you could even double date with her but you are never going to be as beautiful as your momma nor are boys going to even like you. Why your legs are so spindly you can't even walk straight." Ana starts to turn red and runs out the door.

"Shut up momma. She is almost twelve years old now. Why do you do that to her? Be mad at me but do not take it out on my daughter. I will not let you do that to her." My mother had belittled me enough in my life, why was I letting her do this to my daughter? I was hurt, angry...I had to do something but what could I do? She was Anastasia 's only grandparent that seemed to want to be in her life. How could I deny that? Frank's parents moved and never told me where they were going, not that they cared about his daughter. Ana never asked me about them. "I am leaving now, if you have something kind to say to us then fine but I will not let you hurt her like you hurt me." Momma was looking at me like she knew something. "Leave then, don't bother to come back. You have been nothing but a disappointment in my life. You and your daughter. She is just like you and I will be delighted when she grows up and hurts you one day. She will run off with some boy and you will never see her again. Probably get pregnant too. You will see. Go flirting around town and embarrass yourself. My friends think you are a hooker anyway."

"That is it! I have had enough of your hurtful remarks. I was out having a good time with friends, not that you care. It takes me days to get Ana to cheer up after one of your visits." I went outside and Ana was sitting all alone on the swings. All the other kids were off playing some kind of ball game. I sat in the swing next to her and just looked at her. What had she heard? What was she thinking? "Mom can we leave now, I just want to go home".

"Sure baby, we can leave now and we can do whatever you want".

"Can we go to the library? I want to just see if they have that book back that I wanted to read."

''Sure, and maybe we both can find us something to read, what do you say? We could even go get ice cream."

"Why does grandma hate me?"

"Sweetie, your grandmother doesn't hate you, she is just mad at me. Tell you what, mommy needs to find something to do with her day so let's go see what crafty books we can find and then maybe look at getting some things to work with. Do you think I should make pottery or learn how to knit? I need a project. What do you think?"

"Mom, I just want to find a good book to read right now. I just want to lie down in some flowery field with the sun shining on me. Can we go now?"

"Sure baby girl, what do you want to read? Mystery books? Maybe science fiction? History? What shall we look for?"

"I was thinking about the stories about King Arthur and his knights and Lancelot and Guinevere."

"You read those fantasies enough I think, how about something I enjoyed at your age? What about Jane Eyre? You know you will probably have to read it in school probably this year. I had to read it when I was about twelve. It may give you some ideas when you read it about what you might want to be when you're older. There are things that those characters could only dream about that you can do now. There are so many stories about romance and loss and ambition and tragedy and how they all factor into the plot. Why once I started reading them I couldn't put them down. There is a hope written in them that guides you to your own destiny."

We went down to the library and Ana looked at the collection of British classics that they had available and she chose Rebecca as well as Jane Eyre and looked at all the other titles there with wonder in her eyes. I know she loves coming here and finding some interest to delve into so she doesn't have to deal with anyone. She is so insecure and I know my mother has a lot to do with that. Ray does his best to assure her and I know he loves her just like she was his own. I wish he wouldn't teach her about guns but I approve his giving her lessons in self defense. She may need to know what to do someday. She will hopefully go to college, something I never got the chance to do. That time will come too soon for me.

Ray and I are not enjoying each other, he doesn't like to do anything when he comes home from work except sit in front of that damn TV watching soccer and I want to do something, anything. I know that I enjoy my afternoons out on the town and guys come over and talk to me and some of the other women in our group. I miss the affection that we use to have and I am so tempted to just enjoy their company. A woman wants to hear affectionate things from her man but Ray is Mr Silent.

When I got the call a couple of weeks later I was surprised by my lack of emotion. My mother had died from a heart attack. Seems she had been told that she needed stints or perhaps even surgery but she would not allow anything to be done. And yet I don't feel any loss. If anything I am relieved. For me, for Ana. No longer will I have to endure her biting tongue and belittling that she constantly threw at me all my life. My father died in an auto accident when I was thirteen and she took it out on me that she had to go to work and take care of all of life's surprises. I have tried so hard to keep Ana from all that but I can still see the damage from her constant cutting remarks. And I know what damage it has done to me. Since daddy died I have been looking for the love he created in my life, the strength he gave me, the hugs and support. I think that was the thing that drew me to Frank and then to Ray but now he is more distant and absorbed in his work. I wish he would return to that loving man I fell for. But now I have to deal with my mother dying and what she has left me to deal with.

I so wanted to do something with my life and I guess it is too late to go back to school, I mean it is so expensive and where would the money come from. I have tried to put aside a little each week for Ana but I am really not making a lot of progress. She is smart, smarter than I was. Her love of reading is such a joy to see. But I wish she would make friends with some of the kids around here. She is such a loner and so shy. Ray tells me to buy her something pretty to wear but she is growing so much it would be wasteful so I go to the thrift store and get some things I can fix or dye to make it prettier. Maybe I can make some money with my sewing...perhaps making quilts? Something to think about. I want to give my daughter things so she can fit in with all these kids. They can be cruel, I have heard some of their comments and I know that this time in her life will probably be the toughest. She came home from school the other day crying and she didn't want to talk about it. I overheard her talking on the phone to one of her friends and it seems the girls in gym class were making fun of the fact that she doesn't have breasts yet and she hasn't started menstruating yet. I didn't get my first period till I was 13 myself and then everything appeared. She just hasn't started to develop that girly figure yet and I want to assure her that it will come and just to ignore those girls but I don't want her to know I have eavesdropped on her conversation. Maybe I should try and sell Avon. I need to make some money. Money is tight enough and I need to find something to occupy my time.

Time passes. Ana is sixteen and Ray and I are at odds. A woman wants a little romance in her life and he has become so closed. He works so hard and has ignored me more and more. We don't even sleep together anymore. We have agreed that we need to get a divorce as I am tired of his camping out at the tv watching soccer instead of talking or paying attention to me. Separation papers have been filed but we are trying to be civil in front of Ana. He adores her and I really hate that he cannot show me some of the same affection and time that he shares with her. There is this guy at work that has my attention. He is younger but, oh my, he makes me swoon. His name is Steve. I just don't know how much longer I can stand not being with him. Steve is so intriguing. He is originally from Texas and is thinking about heading back there for work and he says he would really want me to come with him. Running away is so tempting and his passion is just what I need. I told Steve that I need to wait until Ana is out of school. I don't want to move her in mid term. Starting a new school is going to be traumatic enough for her. She is such a loner as it is and I want her to make friends. I wonder how Steve and her will get along? He hasn't met her yet but he knows about her. I have showed him pictures. His eyes lit up when he saw her so I think the idea of being a father to a teenage daughter is growing on him.

Texas is so hot and dry compared to Washington! But i am feeling so giddy with Steve. He knows how to please a woman and it has been so long since I have been made to feel like this. We get married as soon as we can because I don't want Ana to think we are just living together for no reason. That would be a bad example at her age. She starts school soon and we have been to the orientation so she doesn't feel totally lost. I don't know, there is this look that she gives me that makes me wonder what she is thinking. She starts her new school and I think she is fine. She even makes friends with this boy in her class and they go out to the movies a couple of times. Steve compliments her on practically anything she does, I guess he is trying to make her feel comfortable. By Thanksgiving tho I feel that Ana is not very happy. She wants to go back to Washington to stay with Ray. I don't know why.

Ray is ecstatic about Ana coming to live with him. We have discussed our arrangement and how we would work out parental responsibility, medical and financial support. Steve is not thrilled with her leaving. She leaves the Sunday after the holiday and I miss her so. She calls me as soon as she gets there to assure me that she was fine. I don't know, something is not right.

I fly back to Montesano for Christmas so I can spend some time with Ana. She said she didn't want to leave Ray alone. Surprisingly she is learning how to cook and is telling me what she has mastered and what she still has trouble with. Maybe I should get her a cookbook since she loves to read! But what really surprises me is the call I get from Ray the next day. Seems Ana has been having nightmares. She unfortunately has inherited my ability to talk in sleep mode, especially when upset or worried. Steve's name was mentioned several times in her musings so Ray was wondering why. So, why is she dreaming about Steve?

When I get back home to Texas, Steve's first question was "how is Ana doing" which normally I wouldn't find odd but now it has my brain working overtime. I am starting to wonder what is going on. We were having so much fun until Ana left and now he is less interested in sex and romance and I don't really know why. After he goes to work one morning I discover why. Pictures. Dozens and dozens of pictures of Ana, Ana and me laying in the sun, Ana in the pool, Ana in her pajamas, more of Ana than of me or the two of us. After I get over the shock and then the fury I decide that I will ask before I react. When Steve comes home I have the photos on the table in front of me. He looks at me with a sneering look. "What is all this about" I ask. "Well, if she wasn't such a prude she would be a prick tease. I was kind of hoping I would get a two for one deal when I married you but she would run to her bedroom and lock the door every time I approached her." I get up and go to our bedroom where my bags are waiting. "I am flying to Vegas in the morning. I have already spoken to an attorney and since we haven't been married six months I can get a quickie divorce there. He suggested that I take thirty days to resolve any property matters. So the end of January you are on your own. Go find another woman with a daughter if you want a kinky threesome." And I walk right out the door, never looking back.

Vegas was a nice change, hot but dry. Got myself a job, not much but at least it pays the bills. Vegas is expensive but since Steve paid me a nice settlement to burn those pictures and keep my mouth shut I can afford an apartment near town. I still have to watch my accounts, maybe I should do something for extra money. And although Ana doesn't want to move again she does spend the summer and some holidays with me. I never talk about Steve or what happened. I get the feeling she is happy about that. Ray seems to think that Steve attempted to do something to her but at least her midnight ramblings have ceased.

After a year in Vegas I meet someone who makes my heart leap. His name is Bob. But this time I will not rush into anything. Ana is going to college soon and I have nothing to give her except the small savings account that Ray and I started. It is not near enough for tuition much less books but maybe it can help with gas or food. Ray bought her a used VW bug which was sweet, manual transmission...a girl needs to know how to do that sometimes. You never know when it will come in handy. And it is not a speed car so she can't be driving reckless in it. I guess the good thing is that she has been studying hard and has made good grades thru high school so far. Her love of reading has served her well and I am so proud of her. My only concern is Ray telling me that Ana doesn't go out on dates. She stays home, takes care of him and studies. I wonder if my time with Steve has affected her, or is it something else? I try and talk to her about her father but it brings up such memories. Momma, Frank, how hard things were then. I hope she finds someone, maybe when she is in college. She has a scholarship but it isn't enough to pay for everything she needs. We qualify for a student loan and I hate that she will have to pay back a lot of money at such a young age but we just aren't rich people. She thinks she can get a part time job and I worry about it being too much for her, but my daughter has always been headstrong and determined. Life is going to be changing for her and I hope she has it easier than I did, I hope who finds her silver lining in the clouds.