Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, and the centered italicized lyrics belong to the amazingly talented, gorgeous Raine Maida, and the song belongs to his band Our Lady Peace.
Warning: Language, suicide themes.
***
I'm (Not) Dying
Ken Ichijouji laid the gun on his night table. A single bullet lived inside, longing for freedom. The black-haired teen knew he could grant it.
Tonight, he would smile. Tonight he would drink, dance, and smile. He would live the last night of his life to the fullest.
He had it all planned out; the party preparations began months ago. He wanted it to seem like just another weekend party. It wouldn't be.
It would be the night he bid his final farewell to the friends that drove him to this point. God, how he loved and hated them all, all at once.
As soon as his guests left, Ken Ichijouji knew he would celebrate in his own way. He would finally be rid of this place – the physical room and world around him that seemed to grow smaller with every second glance, as well as the recesses of his mind, filled with demons of the past and lurking shadows of a potential future.
The pale nineteen year old was damned lucky he didn't believe in hell, because he knew if it was real, that's where he'd end up. He'd fucked up far too much to be let into heaven.
He did wonder, though, if it would really be as simple as he assumed. Could everything really just be gone? All of his thoughts and feelings… his entire consciousness could just disappear, and the personality that was Ken Ichijouji would be lost.
He was afraid he would become a spirit.
He didn't want to spend any more time here, especially not held against his will by some freaky-afterlife agenda that some all-powerful being held for him.
Then again, he thought, I'm probably not special enough for a god to waste his time and energy on.
Ken sighed. He left the gun on the night stand and left his room, closing the door behind him.
--*--
Ken was almost ready. Alcohol, check. Music, check. Food, check. Guests, …not yet.
As if on cue, there was a knock at the door. Opening it, Ken found a grinning Daisuke.
"Hey, Ken! I made you a mix for the party," the auburn-haired boy said, eagerly shoving a CD case into his pale friend's hands.
"Great," Ken replied half-heartedly. What's wrong with me? I thought I could fake it better, but it's like Daisuke is so… expectant. He wants me to be happy, but I can't be.
Ken tried to force a smile as he fought back tears. This is the last time I'll ever see Daisuke. Tonight is the last time he'll smile for me. And I can't even smile back.
"Ken… Ken, what's wrong?"
"Wha- oh, nothing. Dust in my eyes, or something. I should have cleaned better, I guess." A solitary tear rolled down his cheek and he wiped it away quickly. "Come on, I'll put this disc on. You have better party music than me, anyways."
The black-haired teen scanned the list for a promising title. Neighbors, I Wanna, MakeDamnSure, I Caught Fire… all by bands he didn't know. All You Did Was Save My Life… well, that sounded promising. He skipped to track eight.
You looked at me as you walked in the room
Like the red sea, you split me open
Somehow knew these wings were stolen
All you did was save my life
The music faded into the background as guests began to arrive. Hikari gave Ken a huge hug when she arrived with Takeru. The blonde, trying not to be awkward or seem jealous, offered Ken a hug as well, only his was awkward and short-lived. The last hugs. Ken really had to stop thinking like this.
Miyako brought her new boyfriend, a pierced and tattooed man two years her senior. She had abandoned her crush on Ken in the ninth grade, and the black haired boy couldn't have been happier to cease being the object of her pursuit. It was later that year that Ken had admitted to himself that he was gay, but never told his friends, not even Taichi and Yamato, who were together now.
He was glad she was happy with someone else, but it seemed as if she changed arm candy every few weeks. This is the last new boyfriend I'll ever meet, the last time Miyako will pull me off into a corner and ask, almost desperately, if I approve. The last time I'll tell her he seems nice enough, and not to get carried away. It always ended up the same. Miyako would call Ken, crying, in a few weeks. She will have gotten carried away. Miyako tended to build up relationships to a 'serious' state too quickly, and her bombardment of 'I love you' after a few weeks tended to scare off boyfriends.
Iori couldn't come. He was writing a high school final the next morning, and was quite intent on studying like a madman. Ken was disappointed, but Iori had always seemed to act distant to Ken. The younger boy didn't like to express his feelings, or do anything that might seem non-traditional. Ken was the definition of non-traditional.
Yamato showed up, dragging Taichi on his arm, but informed Ken upon arriving that they would have to leave early, as his band was leaving for a tour the next day and Tai was joining them as Yamato's 'honorary groupie'. The brunette blushed sheepishly. Ken smiled. They were so perfect together.
Ken started to feel claustrophobic in his small apartment living room. The couch was full of people, and his old brown armchair was occupied by Miyako's boyfriend, and Miyako on his lap. They were all engaged in conversation, laughing and drinking. They won't notice if I take a little time-out.
Tried to run but I couldn't move
Well, I paid for these concrete shoes
The black-haired boy wandered into his bedroom, eyeing the gun on his nightstand. Not yet. Instead, he pulled out a pad of paper and his favorite black fountain pen that always worked.
'Dear whoever finds me here,
I'm sorry. I'm sure you have an awful mess to clean up.
Tell my parents not to worry for me. I'll finally be with Osamu again, both their sons together. I'm sure he'll be glad to see me.
Tell Wormmon I'm sorry. I wish he could understand how humans don't come back. I tried to tell him, once, but he never quite understood.
Tell Hikari and Takeru to just get married already, we're all waiting on it.
I want Miyako to know that she deserves nothing less than love from a guy, and if he can't give her that, then he's either gay or stupid.
I wish I could have known Iori better.
Daisuke, I want you to know that I –'
There was a knock at the door.
Ken hastily shoved the note and gun into his nightstand drawer, and soon afterwards, Daisuke entered the room.
"You seem out of it, Ken. What's going on?" He approached the pale teen, seating himself next to Ken on the bed.
Like the singer that sings the blues
You saw hope in the hopeless
I'm not dying
"Nothing's wrong."
"Bullshit." The auburn-haired boy stared directly into his friend's eyes. "I can see it in your eyes, Ken. You're empty inside. You haven't smiled all night. When did this happen? Have I not noticed this change in you, or is it new tonight? I'm scared for you."
"I'm really fine, Dai," the black haired boy lied. "In fact, I promise you that after tonight everything will be okay, and I'll be happy again."
"You think I don't know you," Daisuke stated. Ken was confused. Can Daisuke really see right through me? Or am I reading too far into this? "I know you well enough, Ken. Or, at least, I did. I don't like this new Ken. I don't trust him, either. The old Ken… now there was a friend a guy could love."
Ken snapped. "Don't say that, Daisuke!" Tears flowed freely from his eyes and he tried unsuccessfully to hide them in his palms.
"Honestly, Ken! Is it drugs? It's drugs, isn't it? I'll take them away – I'll help you get better. I promise." The auburn-haired boy started to rummage through Ken's drawers as the black haired boy clung to him, pulling him away in protest.
All you did was save my life
Pulled me out of that flat line
Put the heartbeat back inside
I'm not dying
Ken started screaming at Daisuke when the auburn-haired boy lunged for the nightstand.
"Stop it! I mean it, Dai. I'm not on fucking drugs!" Daisuke's hand clasped around the knob. "Don't touch my fucking things, Daisuke! You can't just –"
The drawer opened.
Both boys stopped as one made a shocking discovery and the other felt like dying – again.
With shaking hands, the tanned boy picked up the gun and removed the bullet. He picked up the note as well, setting it beside himself as he sat on Ken's bed.
He opened Ken's window and threw the bullet eight stories down into the empty yard behind the building, thick with overgrown grass and weeds.
Next, he picked up the note and slowly read through it. Ken watched as tears fell from his friend's eyes, landing on his neatly handwritten letter.
"You wanted me to find you. You – you wanted me to find you dead?"
What? "I don't understand, Daisuke."
Daisuke showed Ken the note he had written in his haste. "For everyone else, you wanted the person who found you to tell them certain things – pass along certain messages. But you wrote to me directly. I don't understand. Did you want me to find you dead? Did you really want to hurt me so much?"
Ken was crying hysterically. "I never wanted to hurt you, Dai. Maybe I wrote to you subconsciously. I never finished writing, but fuck it. It's all going to be over soon, anyways. Do you want to know what I'm going to write to end that note?"
"What?" Daisuke asked. He was crying, too.
"Daisuke, I want you to know that I- that I lo-love y-you, and can't live without you, and that's why I'm leaving you." The black-haired teen buried his eyes into his knees and felt the hot tears soaking through his jeans. "Guess it doesn't matter much now, right?"
All you did was get me through
I owe every breath to you
Heart and soul unparalyzed
All you did was save my life.
"Ken. If you love me… you won't leave me. I'll never leave you, I promise."
"You'll never love me back. Not the way I love you."
Daisuke frowned. "I might not. But if it'll keep you around, I can try."
Daisuke got up off the bed and knelt down beside Ken's slumped figure against the wall. Lifting the black-haired boy's chin and gingerly moving the hair out of his face, Daisuke pressed his lips awkwardly to Ken's.
The pair stayed, unmoving, until it seemed like the mandatory length of time for a don't-kill-yourself kiss had been met.
"I don't know, Daisuke."
"Please, Ken, just give it a chance. I promise I won't let you down. You're my best friend, and I really do love you. I want to be here for you, no matter what it takes." The auburn-haired boy was pleading now.
Ken sighed. "Okay. I'll give you a chance."
Daisuke retreated for a moment to check in on the guests. Taichi and Yamato had left, as they said they would, and Miyako and her boyfriend were gone as well. Checking the clock, he found that it was one AM. As politely as he could, he asked a very drunk Hikari and a mostly-sober Takeru (he was driving) to leave.
When he returned to Ken, he found the black-haired boy on the bed, curled up in the fetal position, making strangled crying sounds.
Daisuke lay down next to him, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy's waist. Ken turned around and cried into Daisuke's shoulder.
Daisuke stroked his best friend's hair as he felt the raven-haired teen drift off to sleep.
I'm not for sale but I've been sold
The more I hear, the less I know
And the lies are swallowed whole
In their insignificance
The story's been told a million times
But it's different when it's your life
I won the lottery tonight
Daisuke woke to an empty bed.
"No… Ken!" he screamed, bursting up and tearing through the apartment, but his friend was no where to be found.
All that remained was a note taped to the inside of the front door – a new one, this time.
'Daisuke,
I'm sorry.
I couldn't do it.
I still love you.
-Ken'
Short and simple. Daisuke raced out of Ken's apartment and flung himself into the untamed backyard, searching for a silver glimmer. After a short while, he finally found the object he had been searching for.
He didn't leave a note. He didn't even think to.
All he thought of was how Ken was dead, and it was his fault.
It was his fault, because he let Ken go. It was his fault, because he didn't call a doctor or anyone else to help Ken.
It was his fault, because he lied. He let Ken believe that he would never love him back.
The truth was that Daisuke loved Ken more than anything.
He would go to the end of the world and back to see Ken smile. He would give anything to hold Ken in his arms again.
But he was afraid to.
He knew Ken would think he was lying, telling him what he wanted to hear so he would stay alive. The truth was that Daisuke couldn't live without Ken.
He promised himself that wherever Ken was, he would be there to protect him, and love him, even if Ken didn't notice or care.
With one swift jerk of his pointer finger of a shaky hand, Daisuke kept that promise.
I started to come around
The dogs are backing down
I'm not afraid to see
The devil's gone underground
The tightrope's been cut down
And I can finally breathe.
***
By xDarcyDarknessx
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