What Is and What Should Never Be

by Sariah Loire

My first memory is of my family's kitchen. My father standing at the stove with me at his side, helping to prepare a meal for my family. My mother sitting at the table, cradling my baby sister, Solana. My last memory will be of lying on this floor in a rush of blood. Of seeing a blaze of red hair, feeling her forehead pressed to mine, hearing my name on Shepard's lips.

1. Prologue: In My Time of Dying

I'm dying.

The thought crosses my mind, and it doesn't really take me by surprise. I can't say that I never thought this day would come.

My father always told me that nothing good would come out of me joining the Spectre program. He said they were too hot-headed, too free from any accountability or rules, too… everything he despised. They were the opposite of what a Vakarian should be.

Maybe that's why I ended up in this place, watching my blood spread across the floor, unable to do anything about it because of the numbness and cold spreading through my body.

I can't feel my hands. I can barely feel the pressure against my neck as Shepard leans over me, calling my name. She's telling me to hold on, that help is on the way. But I can see just enough of her eyes to know that she's giving me empty promises.

No one will make it here fast enough.

I can feel her hair, that blazing red hair, ghost across my face as she moved closer, calling my name. She's pressing her hands against my wound, trying to stop the blood. It's covering her fingers, but her eyes never leave mine as she repeats the mantra that someone will come to save me. She echoes those words over and over, slapping a blood-stained hand to one of her ears as she repeats the medic request over our comm system.

I won't try to deny that I'll miss her. Spirits know that we shared some fun times together.

I don't know what's waiting for me in heaven, or even if I'm still going after the things I've done, but I'll have to check out the bar and hope that Shepard finds her way there eventually. I'll need someone to help raise some hell if the place is as boring as my teachers made it sound growing up.

I'm jerked back to the present by the feel of pressure against my head. I manage to open my eyes and I see Shepard, her own eyes closed and her mouth moving silently as she presses her head to mine. Or maybe she's speaking and I just can't hear it anymore, the sound in the room seems to be gone now.

I want to speak, I want to tell her that it's been a hell of a ride.

But I can't seem to get the words out.

There's something in my throat, something thing and metallic-tasting that's threatening to choke me. It's stopping me from speaking, from telling Shepard that it'll be alright. That it's not her fault.

My eyes close of their own accord, and I let myself relax. The darkness is nothing to be afraid of, that's what my mother always told me.

She was wrong.

I'm afraid of this darkness. It's cold and quiet, and I can't feel Shepard's hands anymore.