A/N: This does have a self inserted character, but I promise you it's a plot devise, not a Mary Sue. I don't glorify myself. I do the very opposite.

Harry Potter Does New York
Chapter One
(working subtitle: The Carrot Mobile Returns to Sarcasm)
by Deviant1

It was a sunny May after noon. The Gryffindor fifth years, and Clem, were hanging out in the common room. Clem had appeared earlier that morning and explained that she was a fan fiction author who was writing herself into the story. The gang was horrified at first, but she explained very nicely that she was not a Mary Sue, and she was just there as a plot devise, so then they said, Very well, and offered her some breakfast, but she told them that she'd already had a very good one, and the whole matter was dropped.
At first everyone had been cautious of her, as they always had to be when new character were dropped from the sky, or worse, sent from America. But it had been all morning, and nobody had declared their love for Hermione, warned Harry of a dangerous prophecy, or suddenly made Ron's father minister of magic, so they figured she was safe. They were very very wrong. It wasn't until exactly 12:00 in the after noon, when a gold owl flew in a window and hit Neville in the head, that they began to suspect that strange things were a foot.
stated the owl as it gave Neville a concussion.
At last! yelled Clem, skipping over to the owl.
Oh no, mumbled Seamus to Harry. Here we got again.
Clem happily retrieved the letter that the owl was holding, while the owl tried to peck her eyes out and ended up getting caught in her hair. The owl flopped about madly, while Clem ignored it and read the letter. What does it say? asked Lavender Brown.
Happy is he who wears the ring. Bulimia is cute when it's John. What did you kill? You've got silly hair. We're here for the garage sale. Where's the bagpipe? You're so clever. Hugs and Kisses, Grandma. Clem read.
They were all silent for a while. Ron did a swift burst of mental arithmetic, and came to an answer that he didn't like, but unfortunately made sense. What is that supposed to mean? He demanded.
It's code, Clem answered. She reread the letter several times. She smiled; she frowned; she smiled again; she tried to smile and frown at the same time, and ended up looking like a person who'd just thrown up in somebody else's hat, and then realized that it wasn't a hat at all. I think it means... that my family has been in the mafia since 1945 and they tried to go legit right after they killed a bunch of people in the 60's but now they've been pulled back into some drug bust, and a ship load of crack that was supposed to be sent to Vermont got intercepted my Matthew Perry and Robert Downey Jr., and now they want me to meet with them in a secret room in Yankee stadium and make a deal.
You've been watching too much TV, Said Hermione.
How are you going to get to New York? Asked Harry. That's like.... really far away.
Oh, they sent me... Clem rummaged around to see what they had sent her. A paper clip!
A paper clip? repeated Dean, giving her a dubious look. You're going to get to New York on a paper clip?
Don't be dense, Hermione snapped. It's not just a paper clip. It's obviously a portkey.
... yeah... ! Clem said. Of course, that's what I meant She smiled at Hermione and gave the rest of the group a what's-the-deal-with-her look. So I guess I'm going back to New York then.
I've always wanted to go to New York, said Parvati, winking outrageously at Clem. They have such great shopping.
Oh yeah, Lavender said, catching on, I've always wanted to buy a nice Prada bag in New York. Lavender began winking to. The two girls winked at Clem, who stared back.
Clem, can we go to New York with you? Dean finally asked.
Sure. What kind of fic would this be if you stayed here?
New York City! Yeah, bay-be, yeah! Ron whooped. Lavender whacked him with her purse.
Don't ever do that again. She said shortly. Ron rubbed his arm and gave her a hurt look.
Now wait a minute, Hermione said, giving them all the patented what-are-you-nuts!?!?!?! look. Maybe it's not such a good idea. We're forbidden to leave the Hogwarts grounds with out a teachers permission.
Lavender and Parvati turned their winking eyes towards Hermione. Parvati drawled. You can stay back here and wait for Neville to come around, while the rest of us have fun in New York.
... And further more. If you try to leave the grounds I will be forced to tell Professor McGonagal.
said Harry, Be realistic. We're not going to get in trouble, We've got the administration wrapped around our little finger.
Hermione gasped. I cannot believe you would think of betraying their trust like that!
C'mon Hermione, Ron whined. All we ever do is betray trust. I didn't fall in love with Snape in that last fic for nothing. We got house points for that one and I want to cash them in!
Harry added, JK Rowling still has 3 more books to write, so we can't get expelled before then.
Hermione rubbed her chin pensively. Well... all right.
So lets go! said Seamus, grabbing for the paper clip.
Clem said, grabbing him by the wrist. Could somebody get this owl out of my hair first?


They apperated in front of a small house in the suburbs of Long Island. What gives? Ron yelled angrily. This isn't the city! You lied! You.... liar!
Don't yell at me! Clem cried. We're an hour from the city.
We're supposed to be IN the city!?!! How do we get there?
In a carrot. Clem gave them an insane grin. Everybody shuddered. It occurred to Harry that she might really be insane, and seeing that there was nothing to indicate otherwise, he decided that she was. Follow me. She lead them to the garage and opened the door. Inside was a giant, beautiful, shiny, orange... carrot?
It was. It was a carrot with wheels. I present to you, Clem began, grinning proudly like new parents do when they tell to you about their child's last report card, The carrot mobile!
We're going to drive around New York City in a carrot? Parvati asked dubiously, raising her eyebrows.
Clem smiled more. Of course we are. Why wouldn't we?
Oh I dunno, said Lavender sarcastically. Maybe because it's shaped like a carrot!!!?!?!?!
I am not going to let Calvin Klein see me driving a carrot!!!!! Parvati wailed.
Of course not, said Clem, trying to smile. We don't have time for Calvin Klein- maybe Kalvin Clein... He's a guy my dad knows, but we're just going to a baseball game.
the guys cheered.
Does anybody know anything about baseball? Harry asked curiously.
... No... ! Ron answered slowly. But it's a sport... It's macho and stuff, and... we're macho; aren't we?
Oh yeah, Dean said quickly. We're very macho.
SO macho, Seamus put it. I mean, these jeans make my ass look huge, but do I care? NO! Because I'm a guy.
A macho guy, added Harry.
Seamus continued, and macho guys don't care if they're shaped like pears.
The guys all looked at each other uncomfortably for a moment, before shouting another very macho, and high fiving each other.

Clem said, biting her lip, and clutching the steering wheel of a carrot shaped car. They were stuck in traffic on the Long Island Expressway. Okay... We need to... okay...
Harry asked.
We should probably... Clem started, but having no idea what to do, she lapsed into silence. Okay... we could... no, that wouldn't work... okay...
OH MY GOD! Ron bellowed. STOP SAYING
Well what are we supposed to do!?!?! Clem wailed. I don't know what to do! It's not like I'm prepared at all!
This mafia stuff is easy, Dean said calmly. You send people fish, and you put horse heads in beds, and you take cannolis and you kiss people.
I never saw the Godfather II, Clem mumbled.
Italians have the best shoes, Parvati said.
What does that have to do with anything!? Clem snapped.
I like shoes, Parvati answered.
I knew this was a bad idea, Hermione said. What were you thinking?
That the Sopranos never have this type of trouble! shouted Clem. I bet they have EZpass. Bastards!
Don't worry. You'll get there on time, I'm sure, and you'll work all this out, and we can all go home, Hermione answered. You've just got to be confident.
You little zombie! Lavender exclaimed. Does no one else care that we're going to go to the shopping capitol of the world...
That's Paris, said Hermione.
What ever! We're going to a place with really good shopping, and we're going to spend the day at a BASEBALL GAME!
I love baseball, Clem said sheepishly.
Hermione prompted
I LOVE BASEBALL! Clem bellowed. The people in the neighboring cars gave her funny looks. How's that?
Very good. Hermione said. Clem smiled proudly.

They edged into their seats just as the first inning was starting. I don't have to meet them until the seventh inning, said Clem, dumping out a box of cracker jacks and grabbing the prize, So I'll have plenty of time to enjoy the game. Aw shit, it's one of those stupid fold up cars. I wanted stickers!
Can I have the fold up car? Seamus asked.

This is so stupid, complained Lavender. I hate baseball. It's so... OMG! Who is THAT!?!?!
asked Clem, ripping open another box of cracker jacks.
Lavender screeched, pointing to a handsome man standing on the field between second and third base.
POKÉMON CARDS! YES! Oh what were you saying? Lavender pointed again. Oh him, that's Derek Jeter.
Oh my god! Parvati, get a load of this guy!

mumbled Mallory.
What are you doing here? asked Clem.
Nothing, I'll show myself the exit, Mallory said. Mallory showed herself the exit.

Six innings later, nobody was enjoying the game. Lavender and Parvati had been kicked out for climbing onto the field and singing Christina Agulera songs to Derek Jeter, Clem was a nervous wreck about her big Mafia thing, and everyone else was just plain bored. Nobody was getting a lot of hits, and since they weren't baseball fans, they didn't realize that the Yankees pitcher was having a perfect game. Finally, the inning was over. Clem left for her meeting, and Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dean, and Seamus just plain left.

So whadda ya wanna do? Ron asked.
said Hermione, New York is supposed to have a great library.
Nothing educational, Said Dean shortly.
Book = Boredom. learning is bad, Seamus added.
So what should we do? Harry asked.
LETS GO BROADWAY! Dean yelled gleefully.
Harry shrugged.

Though it was late at night (time zones, go figure) there were enough neon lights to make it seem like the middle of a summer afternoon. They had been wondering down 42nd Street for a bit, when suddenly Hermione stopped dead in her tracks in front a theater. The Gay Divorcé, She murmured, reading the sign. It's my favorite musical. Ron! We must see this play!
We don't have tickets, Ron said.
Harry scratched his chin. You know, He said, I bet we could get in if we told them about Clem's mafia thing.
Hermione gasped. We can do that?
Ron shrugged. I don't see why not. I mean, if they've got a secret meeting room in Yankee Stadium, they probably have some musical theater connections.
Ron, that makes absolutely no sense, Dean said, casting a dubious look upon the group.
It makes some sense, Hermione said thoughtfully. It's worth a shot anyway.
agreed Ron. What could go wrong. Harry winced, thinking of all thing that could go wrong, but he decided to keep his mouth shut. We're going to the Gay Divorcé, Ron decided, you guys coming?
Seamus flicked a bit of ear wax from his ear. I would go, he said, but I kinda wanted to do something more.... fun.
Gay Play, Dean said. I'll pass.
You're loss, Hermione said happily. She turned on her heal and headed to the back entrance. Ron quickly followed.
You guys, Why are you going around the back? Harry called after them.
They never go in front doors in Mafia movies, Ron answered.
It just wouldn't be fitting to enter through the front, Hermione added. C'mon Harry. We're gonna be late. Harry reluctantly followed.
The back door read Cast and Crew Only, and was guarded by a dusty old man in a folding chair. Hello, Chap, Ron greeted the man. We've been sent by... Clem's family. Mind stepping aside, that we may enter?
The old man gave Ron a crusty senile look, that strangely enough the crusty and/or senile are not capable of giving. The look sent shivers up everyone's spines, and nobody was exactly sure. Clem, eh? You talkin' bout the Swan family?
Ron tried to mimic the crusty senile look, but ended up looking like a drunk squirrel. Swan. Sure. That's me. Ron Swan.
The old man squinted. You're crazy, boy, He coughed. Just like your father was before he got his crazy self committed. And if ya think you can ever be anything other than a crazy loon, you're wrong; you're damn wrong! Ron raised his left eyebrow. The door man continued, You came to finnish your pappy's business didn't ya? You thought you could get me? It's been a while, but I haven't forgotten. Hermione cut in, We just want to get to the show, so if you'd let us in we'd...
Who are you? Door Man interrupted.
Oh... me? I'm... Sarah.
Sarah who?
Sara... Sahara.
Door Man's face split into a wide crinkly grin. Well why didn't ya say so? Sure you can come in! We've been expecting you. Hermione wordlessly bounded through the door. Harry and Ron followed. I'm watching' ya, Swan, Door Man growled to Ron before he closed the door.
Saraha and Swan are here, boss! Somebody yelled. Ron and Hermione whirled around. A mob of hair and makeup people were rushing towards them with curling irons and powder poufs. They grabbed the couple and began accentuating their cheek bones with peach blush. We gotten, chief! Yelled one guy as he put mascara on Ron's eyebrows.
A man wearing a beret sauntered over to them. Just in time. These will do perfectly. Hermione's eyes widened in horror. She tried to scream, but her mouth was held shut by a woman putting pretty pink poodle lip stick on her. the director man snapped suddenly, looking at Harry. Who are you? What are you doing here?
Harry felt a horrible panic, and in a moment of terror, he turned and bolted out the door. He heard a yell from Door Man from behind him, but he didn't care. He kept on running. He ran like a mad man. Harry ran all the way to time square, and he probably would have ran all the way to Jersey, had he not crashed into someone.
They both fell to the ground. Harry hopped up immediately. He intend to help the person he'd knocked into back to their feet, and continue running until he died or fell asleep or something, but then he noticed who he had ran into. It was Dean, but not the same Dean Harry had left at the Gay Divorcé; This Dean was wearing a wig of long straight platinum blonde hair and a t-shirt that said I LUV BRITNEY!
Omigawd, Harry! She's here! Dean screeched. The princess of pop is HERE! Here, Harry, HERE!
I don't she her, Harry said, looking around through the crowd of teenagers that had gathered in front of the building.
Not here here, there here, Dean answered, pointing to a large window. It's Britney Spears!!!!! I LOVE her!
I see, Harry replied thoughtfully. But you can even see her. There's nothing but glare on that window.
By god, Harry you're right! We must see Britney!
No... Dean... Wait, Harry yelled after Dean, wondering why he'd even brought it up. We can't. She's there here and we're all the way over here here.
We can use Clem's mafia connections. It works for Ron and Hermione, it works for us.
No it doesn't.
Sure it does. Dean sauntered up to the security guard. Hello, Man. The security guard gave Dean a mean look. Harry got a scary i-know-where-this-is-going feeling and almost vomited. My friend and I want to get in. We're friends of Clem.
Clem Cornelius?
... Oh yeah. That's the one. Good old Corny. That's what we call
The security guard looked like he was trying very hard to keep his head from exploding. LOOK KID, I'VE TOLD YOU WEIRDO'S A MILLIONS TIMES: I'M NOT PUTTING YOU OR DREAMSTREET ON TRL! JUST LEAVE BEFORE I CALL THE COPS!
Slow down, Man, Dean said quickly, patting the air around him. We just wanna see Britney Spears.
Oh good god, the large man muttered. Okay, fine, come on in. BUT STOP CALLING US! WE'RE THIS CLOSE TO HAVING YOU KIDS ARRESTED.
Sure thing, Man, Dean said happily, skipping into the building. He and Harry climbed a series of complicated stairways, and finally made it to the TRL room. Is that what it's called? I don't know, and to tell the truth, I don't care. They burst into the room.
Who the f*** are you? Carson yelled.
Hey, I'm Dean, and I came to see BRITNEY! I love you, Britney.
Stay in school, Britney Spears said automatically. Don't do drugs!
Yeah... security!
Dean screamed. You can't let them take me away. I'm Cornelius! I have connections!
Oh, crap, Carson muttered. More of you DreamStreet fans.
I'm a Britney fan! Dean said proudly. She's my sole mate!
It's brain drain, Harry said quickly, exaggerating his accent. His brain is draining.
I'm Britney's biggest fan! Dean continued. I came all the way from Scotland on a secret Mafia mission, and I thought I might die if I didn't get to see Britney! WEST HAM SOCCER RULZ!
Stay in school, Britney repeated. Don't do drugs. Dean started crying.
Okay, whatever, Carson said, trying to regain some control of the show. Dean, would you like to introduce the number one video with us?
The... the number one video is... I LOVE YOU BRITNEY! Dean sobbed.
We'll be going now, said Harry apologetically. Sorry about that. Harry grabbed Dean's arm and pulled him from the room. Dean cried and yelled things to Britney as he was dragged away.
They reemerged on to the crowded street. A mob of people ran over to Dean and started asking him everything about Britney Spears? Is she pretty in real life?
Did ya touch her boobs?
Harry thought it was best to leave at about that time. He was a few streets down when he met another familiar person. This time it was Seamus.
Harry, young child, glad to see you! Seamus said cordially. He brushed a bit of dust of his purple moo moo and readjusted the bible he was balancing on his head.
Harry said slowly, not wanting to say anything foolish in the fairly likely event that he wasn't really seeing what he thought he was seeing, Why are you balancing a bible on your head, and wearing purple moo moo?
Oh Harry, it's wonderful! Seamus said, his eyes lighting up. I've seen the light. A man came and said that he'd tell me the secrets of life, if I could get him some magic bean' so then I met this guy in an alley, and he sold be some magic beans! And I gave them to the first guy, and he shared the magic beans with me and told me all about God and Egouv.

Yes, She's the high priestess of fashion and inner beauty. And he told me that the end was near, but not to be afraid, because the fashionably dressed will be saved! Would you like some magic beans, Harry?
No thanks. I'm tripping already. Would you happen to have the time?
As a matter of fact I do. I bought this new Rolecks watch from a guy on the street. It was a great deal. You should really see this guy. He's got some great Kashmere sweaters.
And the time is... ?
Oh, it's nearly ten o'clock.
Ten o'clock! We've got to get back to the baseball game!
Oh course! I can show all those poor pathetic baseball fans the light! Mr. Nibbles will be so proud.
Who's Mr. Nibbles?
My spirit guide. He's a talking cat.


When they arrived at their seats in section A1, the first thing they saw was Lavender and Parvati beating the crap out of a guy wearing a Red Sox jersey, and the second thing was they saw was an angry drunk guy about to throw a punch right at Harry.