Thank you for beta'ing, xxdare2dreamxx1! Happy Haleb day, 11/05!

There was a time when I was completely happy, even when my mom was in jail and Alison DiLaurentis was torturing my three best friends. It took us a year to recover. Now age twenty-three, I'm the closest I'd ever been with the girls who were also friends with Alison-Aria Montgomery, Emily Fields, and Spencer Hastings. When they were sixteen, they uncovered thousands of secrets about each other that only Alison knew. My ex best friend, Mona Vanderwaal, turned out to be a total bitch, texting me horrible and creepy messages from a blocked number, and signing the texts as "A" when I was seventeen. Not to mention, she raped a guy. She was finally caught and thrown off a cliff. When she was sent to the Radley Sanitarium for good, she never talked to me again.

During all this, I'm experiencing my first real romantic relationship-I don't really count Sean Ackard, since he never actually loved me. There's another guy after Sean, and his name's Caleb Rivers.

I love Caleb to the ends of the earth, and as I rock our perfect daughter in my special chair, I let some tears out. My baby, Holly, named after Holly Golightly, had been conceived on November fifth and born just four years ago. Our little girl has my blonde hair and Caleb's brown eyes.

"I wish you could have met your daddy...you would have loved him..."

A soft knock comes at the door and I wipe my eyes. "Come in."

"Can I see my granddaughter? This little one wants her mommy. Trade?" my mother asks.

I nod. Mom sets Holly's sister, Ashley down so the little dark haired girl could jump in my lap. Ashley's father isn't Caleb, though. I swallow hard while I squeeze my daughter close to my chest and bite back yet another sob.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

Mom gives us privacy and goes into the kitchen to feed Holly.

"I made cupcakes with Grandma. Want some?"

"Oh...oh, no that's okay. I'm not really hungry."

I'm never very hungry, or sleepy. I can feel the energy draining out of my body. I only eat when my mom force-feeds me, or when my friends take me out for girls' nights and they agree to not talk about their significant others around me. I'm happy for them, but I just wish I had my lover here, with me, holding me protectively in his arms, telling me everything would be all right, even when it didn't seem so.

How could my love life get so messed up? How can it be that Aria had dated her ex-teacher, Mr. Ezra Fitz before they broke up, without being shunned forever by her parents? How can Emily be happy while dating different girls whenever her relationship with Paige McCullers seems like it's going downhill? How can Spencer handle going back and forth between Toby Cavanaugh and Wren Kingston? How can they be in love so easily?

It just isn't fair.

I'd been going to see my therapist, Anne Sullivan, for a long time now since the incident. My mom drives me to Anne's office since I don't feel like driving anymore. A bit after the incident, I tried to kill myself with a knife, but my friends saved me from myself just in time. They told me I needed to get help. Luckily, Mom's best friends with Ella Montgomery, who has Ms. Sullivan's number because her son has depression issues. Ella's the sweetest woman ever, and she's suffered heartbreak of her own. I go to see Anne every night when I'm not hanging out with my friends or taking care of my daughters. The first time I went, it was when my mom had a date with Pastor Ted. I don't want to see people kissing at all.

I think back to my first meeting with Anne.

"Mom, I swear, I won't do it again!" I protest while walking alongside her.

"Sweetheart, you need this, okay? Now, Anne is a very kind and understanding woman, and she will help you. I know you're hurting. I can't be home all the time because of my job, and your friends can't live at your house, since they're about to go to college. I won't let you try to stab yourself again! I love you too much."

I sigh. My mom is right. She knocks on the door that had Anne's name written on it, and a few seconds later, a woman with short brown hair and a smile on her face, opens the door. She's dressed in jeans and a red top. Her Chloes are shoes I can only dream of owning. Anne is also as tall as my best friend Emily. The thought makes me grin.

"Hi, I'm Anne. You're Hanna, I'm assuming?"

I shake Anne's hand. "Yeah. This is my mom."

"Ashley." The women shake hands and I go inside the room after hugging my mom goodbye.

"So, you can sit in that couch," are Anne's first directions.

I nod and plop myself down on the comfy brown sofa. I lean back on one of the pillows and put my feet up on the ottoman. As Anne sits down in the chair across from her client, me, I study my purple fingernails.

"Can you tell me why such a beautiful young woman such as yourself would attempt suicide?"

"Because I'm fucked up. I had a boyfriend and we were so in love...and well, good things can't last forever, Anne," I say with a sad smile. "He-he's been in a coma for five years now."

"Oh, my..." Anne looks at me with concern. "Would you mind telling me what happened?"

I take a slow, deep breath. "He saved my life."

FIVE YEARS EARLIER

It's Thursday night and it's raining hard. I'm wearing my ratty old Rosewood High gym sweats that I've had for years and a pale pink t-shirt that says Not It! across the front. All I have to keep me warm is a black sweatshirt and it's not even mine. I stole it because I'm freezing. I curl up and hug my bag against my chest as I lay down on the wet bus station bench. There's an overhang, but it ain't doing much. I ain't gonna get much sleep tonight. I feel someone try to touch me, so I kick them.

"Can't a girl get some rest?" I shout angrily. There's no response, so I open my eyes. A man is rubbing his jaw in pain. "That's what you get for being a pervert."

"I just wanted some company, I'm lonely!" he complains. "I haven't seen a real lady in years!"

"Gee, I wonder why," I respond sarcastically.

Thankfully, a bus comes and picks him up. I'm hoping it's the last bus of the night. I don't get on, because I'm broke. All that I own is a ponytail holder that's around my wrist, an old phone, a few outfits, my schoolbooks, my calculator and a pencil and a sheet of paper. I don't have a credit card to my name because I don't know how to get one, and I haven't worked since the summer, so all my cash is used up. I got nothing.

I ain't too hungry because I just had dinner...I'd probably steal something at school tomorrow morning for breakfast and lunch, or I'd share with someone.

I run my hands through my matted hair and close my eyes again.

There's someone hurting me. There's bangs and shouts. There's cars coming with sirens. There's men taking Mama away. "You can't take me away from my daughter!" she screams as the mean people lock her wrists together with silver chain things. "Hanna!" she cries out to me. "Sweetie, it'll be okay, Mommy will be back soon!"

"Mama! Mama, where you goin'?" I so desperately wanna know.

"Take care of my baby!" she shouts at someone, and I'm sitting on my bed, rocking back and forth.

I jump out of my nightmare, and I realize all of a sudden, that I'm all shaken up. I'm in a cold sweat, and I blink back some tears. "Try to go back to sleep, Hanna," I say to myself.

It's uncomfortable sleeping on a hard bench, and I'm sure the concrete isn't any better. I toss and turn all night long, and I can hardly wait to see how I look now that it's morning. The sun wakes me up and I can't keep my eyes closed no more. The rain has stopped, all there are now, are puddles all over the ground. I stretch and yawn. Every single muscle in my body aches, so I get up and walk to school. Of course, the school is closed, since it's before seven. I'm so tired and bored, waiting for school to start. I lazily wrap myself around a pole and then slide down it, as if I'm putting on some show for an imaginary audience. I love dancing, since it makes me feel beautiful. I stand up again and roll my head around. I strike a pose. "Thank you," I whisper to my fake crowd. I blow kisses, and then I pause, since someone across the street is staring at me. This lady probably thinks I'm out of my mind. Well, being homeless makes people crazy.

Finally, the library opens, and I rush into the bathroom to check my reflection. I have this ugly red imprint of the bench on my cheek, so I try to rub it out with my hand, which doesn't work. Maybe I could ask one of the girls to borrow her concealer. My hair is all tangled, so I brush through it with my fingers until it looks presentable. I put it up into a bun and then walk into the library. It's warm, and I'm grateful. I sit down and pull out my essay.

It all started when I was just a little girl. I don't remember how old...but I was as small as a low table. I dunno what I done to make my mama get in prison. All they told me was she broke the law and she had to go away. I was cryin' a lot that day, I remember. I was bangin' on the door, kickin' at it with my feet, yellin' for my mama to come back, but she never did. People hurt me after that...I was lonely, missin' my mama, and all, and I kept wakin' the other youngins cuz I cried til late in the night. That's when I got the beatin'...night after night...then I ran away from that awful place...they call it a foster home. I went in the next foster home and nobody paid me any attention. They gave me too much food and I got so big and heavy that this one girl called me hefty. Well, she was right, I guess...but I hated being so fat and ugly. That was the last time I stayed in the foster home. Ain't no home to me if everybody's gon' go around sayin' mean things to me. Nasty people they are! Fuckin' Alison and her stupid ass perfect body! I'll never be pretty like her...

"Hanna, I'm sorry, but this is the most poorly written essay I've ever seen. No wonder you're in the special day class!"

I turn around to face my only friend in school, Mona. We're in what they call junior year and I asked her to tutor me. I wanna get smarter so I can graduate come senior year.

"Still makes you emotional, though, don't it?"

"Doesn't, Han...it's doesn't...not don't."

I roll my eyes. I know Mona's trying to help, but we've been at this all day. "Okay, whatever. Doesn't it make you emotional?"

"Yeah...but if you used proper grammar, it wouldn't make people's eyes blur. Also, you can't swear in a high school essay...in any essay in fact."

"That's bullshit," I say. "I wanna make Mrs. Montgomery cry!"

"Yeah, I know, but...bad language is inappropriate in writing."

"Should I start all this over?"

"If you want to stay in the class I'm in, yes."

"Gotta go to the library again," I grumble.

Mona looks at me sympathetically. "I wish my mom and I could take you in...but she's barely able to support herself, let alone me. I'm sorry."

"It's okay...I should've not ran away..."

"I get why you did...I couldn't imagine living with Alison! Her taunting me in school was bad enough!"

"I'm sick of the foster system...so I'm just gonna have to find some permanent job so I can buy my ol' house back," I say out of the blue. "The Brew was just a summer job."

"In the meantime, though, where would you live?"

"I would stay with Sean if he hadn't dumped me..."

Mrs. Montgomery is a new teacher, and probably the best one I have in this whole school. She also monitors detention and last year, she helped out in my special day classes, like as an aide. She's patient and understanding...always willing to lend a hand, as the saying goes. I'm lucky to be in her class this year, and I wanna succeed. She's also got this big rock on her ring finger, it's kinda distracting cuz it glitters in the light. Sometimes, I'm tempted to steal it to make lotsa money, but the angel on my shoulder tells me we don't take things from good people. I shoplift from malls with Mona, but that's another story. Mrs. Montgomery is more important than a big company. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone's feelings, steal that shit, is my motto. Anyways, she's engaged. Her wedding's tonight. Everybody's talking about it...Rosewood's a small town, so word gets around easily. Plus, her kids, Aria and Mike, are really popular.

I gasp as an idea flies into my head. "Hey...I could work the wedding! Ain't gone to one of those before..."

"Oh yeah, you could serve food and stuff...you could offer to do that!"

I smile, but nerves are still settling in the pit of my stomach. What if Mrs. M pities me? I'll just try not to look desperate...or homeless.

When Mona and me walk into class, everyone stares because they're still not used to our makeovers. We're sexy now, but it's only been a week. I've changed the most, because Mona just had to ditch her glasses for contacts and wear more fashionable clothes. Alison helped her, she says. I had to go to five summers of fat camp and throw up all the food I ate, under Alison's strict instructions of how to get skinny fast. I worked harder than Mona...at least she already had the hot figure. She just needed to show it off. Now, we could've done that with each other if that damn bitch hadn't intervened.

We take our seats near the front. I wanna show Mrs. M that I'm trying to be a good student. Her daughter sits way in the back, probably cuz she's embarrassed to be in a class where her mama teaches. It's weird seeing her with no pink stripe in her hair. Emily, my coworker from the Brew, sits next to Aria, and another one of those nerds sits near me and Mona. It's strange, cuz usually, she sits with Aria and Em. I know her name is Spencer, because she ran for class president a number of times. I wonder if any of them really consider me someone worthy of their time. They hardly ever talk to me and Mona, except this one time when Emily told me she was a lesbian and asked for advice on how to come out to her friends since her mom freaked out on her. Her dad was okay with it, but her mom was the problem. She was worried how her friends would take it. I told her that if they were true friends, they wouldn't think any differently about her. It's not like she killed anybody. She thanked me. To this day, I still don't know why she talked to me about such a deep topic. I don't think she recognizes that I'm in her class. It's not like I've given her the time of day either. Making friends is useless when you're a nobody. I resist the urge to look at any of those girls. Aria and Emily are talking together and laughing quietly, while Spencer doodles in her notebook. Alison isn't in our class. She refuses to be anywhere near me because she's embarrassed that I ever stepped foot on her property. I've apparently ruined her reputation, so she says. All her friends dropped her like a hot potato cuz of me. Now she's in this top-secret clique who doesn't even go to our school. She poses as a college student and lives in a dorm now. Even though she's gone, she could always come back, and I don't wanna live with her anymore.

Mrs. M talks about a book that's way over my head-if I can't even read regular English, then there's no way in hell I can understand Old English. She's asking us to make sense of this shit, and I look over at Mona with wide eyes, pleading for her help. She nods.

"Everyone has a chance to succeed in this class. Whether you want to pass or fail, that's your choice. Don't be shy to ask me or a friend for help. There's also tutoring in this classroom at lunchtime," is Mrs. M's big announcement. I think a lot of people did a shit job on the first homework assignment, because as she passes back the papers, everyone groans extra loudly. "I'll give you over the weekend to correct your scores and re-read the books. Remember, at the end of the year, I take the lowest grade off my scoresheet. I know this week was back to school and you're all still feeling the laziness of summer, but you have got to get on top of things!" Of course, Mona and Spencer got A's, and I'm not surprised when I see a big red F on my paper. I couldn't read any of the books on the summer reading list, so Alison's mom read one to me. It didn't really help, because everything went in one ear and out the other. I barely remember what happened.

"You could have warned me about this test," I hiss at Mona.

"Sorry, I thought we read the same book!"

I stick my tongue out at her. I need money more than I need this A right now, so I ain't re-taking the test. After class when everyone's gone, I walk to Mrs M's desk.

"Mrs. Montgomery...I can't read...or do long essays. Mona is helping me, but I'm still stupid." I shift my weight from one foot to the other.

"Not at all," she says. "You were transferred out of that class because you were way too smart for it! However, if you would like accommodations to make this class easier for you, I can call your foster parents and Principal Hackett so we can set up an IEP meeting-"

"I ran away!" I exclaim before I can stop myself.

"You..." She stares at me in disbelief. "What happened?" She's always had a soft spot for me. I was the sweetest girl in detention and the special day class because I never stirred up trouble. The worst thing I'd done was skip P.E. class because I just wasn't feeling it. I make sarcastic comments to teachers and sometimes even swear, but I never want to do it to Mrs. M.

"I explained it in my essay that's due Monday," I say. I'm pretty shocked that she doesn't know I've had a number of foster parents. She knows my mama's in jail cuz she's a good friend of hers. She works with the church people and they do things with the criminals. I don't see my mama as a criminal, but the fucking police call her one.

"Well, do you need a place to stay?"

My mouth drops open. Why is she saying this? "Um...I don't want to intrude on your space."

"You can't just be roaming the streets, Hanna."

"I'm trying to get my old house back, but would you mind if I helped you out with the wedding? Like serve food to the guests and stuff?"

"You would be of great service to me! Thank you for volunteering! I'll definitely let you do it for cash...in fact, you need a job and a home. What the heck, why don't you just take the guest room? Zack and I have a new place now, and it does need cleaning. We wanted to hire a maid...and I can trust you."

"Are you sure?" I'm dancing inside, I'm so excited.

"I'm positive. I'll see you tonight, and we won't be going on a honeymoon since we went to Austria this past summer."

I laugh a little. I can see the glow in her eyes when she talks about her love life. It gives me hope that I'll find my soul mate like she did. "Okay!"

She hands me something and Mona later tells me what it says. It just explains what to wear for tonight's job and I guess maids dress however they want these days. My best friend is so happy for me.

At the wedding, I'm in the background, but I can still see and hear everything that's going on. Aria's wearing such a pretty dress, it's black at the top but has a pale pink flowy skirt down to her knees. She's the maid of honor, apparently, and I go up to her and offer her and her friends some refreshments. It's so weird to see my classmates in formal attire.

"Hey, you're Hanna, aren't you?" Emily asks, and I nod. "Guys, she worked with me at the Brew. I can't believe I fell out of touch with you." She gives me a one-armed hug. "How are you?"

"I'm okay. You?"

"Great!"

"We haven't formally met. I'm sorry, my name is Aria, but I'm sure you knew that already." Aria shakes my hand.

Spencer raises her hand. "Spencer."

"Hi...y'all know I'm Hanna."

"Yeah," they say in unison.

"I...I like your dresses, girls," I compliment them awkwardly. I know I shouldn't make conversation when I'm working, but nobody really seems to want anything right now. Emily is wearing a bluish white dress, and Spencer is in a yellow dress.

"Thank you," Spencer says, and they all smile at me.

"Where did you get them?" I'm feeling a little envious, because I've never worn a beautiful dress in my life. They're too noticeable to steal.

"The mall," Aria says matter-of-factly. "We shopped together...like, after I helped my mom get her bridal gown."

"Oh...I see." I lower my eyes, because they look so much richer than me, and it's unfair. "So...how does it feel, having a new dad and stuff?"

"Zack isn't really my new dad...he's just like my second dad. He's gonna be my stepdad...and he's awesome! My mom's finally happy, and I'm excited for her."

"Well, good! Your mom's really nice, and she deserves this. I think you're lucky to have someone as great as she is."

"You just wait until she starts yelling at you!"

I laugh. "It's probably just pre-wedding jitters. She loves you."

"I know. Sometimes, I take her for granted...I think we all take our families for granted." She and her friends share a look, and it's one I recognize, pity, so I turn and walk away. Aria catches up to me.

"Hanna, I'm sorry if I offended you."

"You didn't, I just have to go back to the kitchen."

"Can you at least meet Spencer and Emily's dates?"

I shrug. "Sure."

She takes me back to her little group. A boy and a girl have joined them. "This is my girlfriend, Paige," Emily says. "Paige, Toby, this is Hanna. She's in Mrs. Montgomery's class with us."

"Hi, it's so nice to meet you."

"You too." Paige seems shy and out of her element, like me. "It's weird, wearing a dress when you're kind of a tomboy."

"This is my boyfriend, Toby," Spencer says and puts her hand on his shoulder.

"Oh, hey." I'm hesitant to shake his hand, because men scare the shit out of me. He looks nice, so I'm fine just giving him a friendly smile. "Um, I have really gotta go now...see you guys later!" They wave at me as I walk away.

I'm going so fast that I run into someone. "Whoa, you shouldn't be looking at the ground!" he says. I look up at him, and I don't like the way he's starin' at me. His eyes are goin' up and down my body, like he's checking me out. I hate him already because he's bein' so creepy.

"Sorry." I turn to go, but he grabs my upper arm so I can't move anyplace.

"Who are you? I've never seen you before, but you are beyond sexy. I'll give you my number!"

I don't like this. I don't like this at all. I'm gon' have a panic attack in the middle of the weddin', and I ain't gonna be able to control myself. I know this feeling from years before, and it ain't good. I know what happens after this. "No, it's okay, see, I'm trying to get appetizers for the guests, and I'm really busy right now." If the earth could swallow me whole, now would be a good time for that to happen.

"I need to hurry and get it to you!" His pocket rings, and he answers his phone. "Yeah, I'm coming. Relax, I'm coming. I just had to use the bathroom." He grips me tighter, and I want to scream, but I don't. How can nobody see this? He closes his phone. "So, where were we?"

I pull out of his grasp. "Fuck you," I whisper under my breath and walk right past him. I hope I never see him again after the wedding.

I go outside to get everything out of my system and then tiptoe inside again. I'm back in the kitchen and I feel safe now. I take calming breaths and focus on my task, which is organizing the finger sandwiches. That's what I get for staying out there longer than I was supposed to.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a boy my age try to sneak a scone into his pocket. He's got a gray beanie covering his shaggy brown hairdo and I have to admit, he's kinda cute. It's funny that they told him to take off his hat and he did at first, but then he put it back on when he thought nobody was looking. He's such a rebel. He reminds me of myself, except for the fact that I don't steal from actual human beings.

"Don't steal from them, it's rude! Have some class," I scold him.

"I'm hungry! A dude's gotta eat!" he protests.

"You should have done that at home..."

"It's just a shame that I don't have one," he mutters, and I gape after him in stunned silence. I want to apologize, but he's already going to the cook to arrange more food on a plate.

If I was in a contest for awkward moments, I would for sure win the most awards. This has been the longest day ever, and I feel like crawling into a hole, but I know I can't. I have to keep doing my job if I want Mrs. M to trust me. If only life had a rewind button, or at least a pause button...then I wouldn't make mistakes no more.