"Love is not about how much you say 'I love you' but how much you can prove that it's true"
"Knock Knock…. Can I come in for a second?" Castle asks while casually leaning against her office door.
"Of course you can. Please come in and have a seat" Kate says with false confidence and longing. She hasn't seen or heard from her husband in over a week. And while she recognizes that this whole disruption in their marriage is her fault, she can't help but be selfish and wish he had made the effort. More than anything she wanted to get up from her desk chair and walk around and melt into his strong arms, but she holds back because she knows that she doesn't deserve his comfort, or his love for that matter, at least not at the moment.
"I have missed you ba…..Castle. How are you? How are Alexis and Martha?" she says hoping he doesn't catch her slip of words. Does he consider himself to still be her babe… hers?
"I've missed you too Kate and they are both fine and have asked about you as well. I hope I am not interrupting anything?" Castle says as he moves to take a seat in her office. He loves seeing her in the captain's desk. The office smells like cherries and leather, and oddly he finds comfort in her presence despite the uncomfortableness he feels with their relationship after three months of a forced hiatus. After all, what was supposed to be one of the happiest days of their marriage, a celebration of professional accomplishment and growth, turned in to one of the most disappointing… and all before their one year anniversary.
"No you aren't at all… Just mountains of paperwork. I don't think I grasped how many times Gates had to put her signature on reports during the day…that alone could make anyone cranky. I definitely have a new found respect" she says with a half-smile and joking tone. She hopes it reaches him and reminds him of their fun times. "What brings you by?"
"Nothing much, just stopping by to say hello to the guys before we head out to the Old Haunt for drinks. It's a congratulatory goodbye happy hour wrapped up in to one" he grinned "You are more than welcome to join if you have time Beckett, though I don't know how the guys feel about getting drinks with the captain."
"I take it Ryan told you about the baby… I am happy for them… But what is the goodbye for?" Kate asks confused and slightly panicked. Has she been that disconnected that she doesn't realize someone has quit or is leaving? What the hell is going on that she is unaware of? She knew the guys were pro-Castle and didn't understand how she could just walk away, but she didn't expect them to keep her out of the loop for important things. Would she have had to sign off on someone leaving? PTO.. something…
"The goodbye is for me Kate" Castle interrupts her internal monologue. "I have spent the better part of the last week setting up my fall promo tour with the book being released in the next month. It will be a European tour from London to Turkey hitting the major countries between the two. I didn't expect to complete the book in as little time as I did, but Gina is pushing this so I thought what better time than now." Castle pauses as he sees the words register on her face.
Kate blurts before thinking, "So you are leaving?" She can't believe that her husband is just going away without even mentioning it first. She knows she told him she needed time, but she hasn't left New York and he has been able to see her and call her whenever he chose too. "You didn't think this would be something I would want to know beforehand? How long will you be gone? Didn't you think I would worry about you… I mean my God Castle, the whole reason I asked for time was because I was trying to protect you. How can I protect you when I don't even know where you are?"
"Kate you don't get to decide whether or not I do this tour in the same way I didn't get to decide before you walked out on our marriage. I didn't come here to argue with you. And while I appreciate that you will be worried, I need to leave. Do you have any idea how hard it is to come home to an empty house every day? To have to call Ryan and Espo just to make sure that my 'wife' is still alive? And yes, I know I put you through this when I disappeared but I didn't bring that on myself Kate. You are choosing this crusade." Castle pauses to take a breath and reign in his anger "I will be gone for 4 months with a possible two month extension based on the reception. I haven't been to Eastern Europe in quite a while so we will see how that goes. I am giving you the time you asked for and the space that I need."
"So that's it then… you go to Europe for 6 months and I am supposed to protect you from a distance?" Kate says while fighting back tears "I am sorry that I had to do this Castle, but I didn't choose for McCord and my team to get killed, and I damn sure didn't choose for my family to be put in the cross-hairs. I love you and while you may not believe it, the thought of you being somewhere where I can't get to you at a moment's notice scares me to death. I…. I don't know what to even say right now but can you reconsider?"
Castle interrupts and places a manila folder on Kate's desk while she is talking
"What is this Castle?" Kate asks, slightly annoyed that he is dismissing her last question to him.
"The book tour is a done deal Beckett. I have already signed off on all contracts so this is happening, I leave for Heathrow next Monday. In the folder you will find all of my hotel accommodations as well as the locations and times for all of the scheduled tour events. I have also taken the liberty of hiring a private security firm to not only protect myself, but Alexis and Martha as well and their profiles and the company's information is included too."
Kate takes a second to thumb through the contents of the file while he is speaking. He really thought all of this through, and she realizes that there isn't anything more she can say. As she is getting to the security profiles something else catches her eye… "Castle…wha… what is this…"
Castle takes a deep breath as Kate looks up with pure shock and fear written on her face…"It's not necessarily what you think Kate…."
"The hell it isn't…. you…. You filed for divorce?..." Kate says while choking on tears. She asked for time… it can't be over… it can't?
"Kate… I love you, I love you more than I could ever put in to words. Our wedding was the happiest day in my life and on that day we promised each other to be partners in all things. I want so badly to remain your husband and you to be my wife, but Kate you left. When Meredith cheated I could put a face with a name, but you…. You are cheating with a ghost, with a cause, with something I can't compete with." Castle gets up and kneels at her side… cupping her face as tears stream down her face… "I drew up the papers because I didn't know what else to do. I can't read your mind and you won't let me in. They haven't been filed and I won't file them, but after the tour is up… I need you with me… I need my wife back. You left our door open as a symbol of your plans to come back, and I am giving you these papers as a sign that I can't sit idly by and be relegated to being an observer of your life. I want it all or nothing… so the ball is in your court…" Castle adds in a whisper.. "You are my reason for everything, but I can't keep doing this… you have to want it more than you want to end whatever this is you are protecting me from. I may be alive but my heart is breaking every day you are not in our home."
Castle stands up kissing Kate on the forehead. Kate is stunned into silence but looks up as she sees the love of her life near her office door.
"Castle wait…. Wait…Please…" Kate gets up and runs to the door to grab his hand…. "I….. I'm sorry….I do love you Castle, I love you so much...Please, please don't do this…I…..will do anyth…."
Before she can finish Castle kisses her, slowly and passionately…
"I know you will Kate… but this is where I make my stand for me…. I need you in my life… and I hope to God that this is solved in six months because I want my wife. I love you babe.… Always" Castle says as he turns and walks his way to the elevator.