"And… School?" It was the part of the conversation Hunter and I were both dreading.

"You still have to ask me?"

"C'mon Hunter. Just tell me. Just tell me everything's fine and you learned some new formula. Literally just give me anything."

"School is…School." I had to physically fight the urge to not groan and bury my head in my hands, knowing he would get angry if he saw. I didn't want to leave my brother. I tried my best not to, telling my mother that I was scared to move- What if the new environment set me off? What if I had no friends and felt more alone than before? What if it snowed too much? But every excuse was met with a textbook answer provided to her by my therapist. The woman hadn't had an original thought when it came to me in her life. She'd say these fears were normal; people get scared and try to back out all the time, but this was what I needed. I, Miles Hollingsworth III, being of sound mind and body, had committed to transferring schools after the first semester of my junior year in an attempt to better myself and stay away from triggers that could send me into a downward spiral. Yes, I actually said those stupid words out loud. I really had meant them at the time. I wasn't backing out because I got cold feet- I knew that this school was exactly what I needed. It just wasn't what Hunter needed.

"Who else is going to ask you about this? Mom? Frankie? There must be something you're dying to share." I saw him hesitate and immediately knew something was wrong with him, but I couldn't push him since I wasn't there to pick up the pieces.

"You can't tell anyone."

"Hunter, you know I don't want to, but-"

"No!" He broke away from me, still crying. Still afraid. "What would you even tell them? I-I'll put the gun back and you'll have no proof! I didn't hurt any-" He paused for a second. He turned to face his desk, staring down at his, our, father's gun. He sniffled. "I didn't hurt anyone. I didn't kill anyone." His splotchy face looked back at me, and I was terrified to realize that he could have. He honestly didn't know if he had it in him, but we'll never know how this night could have gone if I hadn't called in the lockdown. The lockdown meant to protect my friends, yes, but mainly to protect him from doing something he could never take back. I had to protect him.

"I won't tell anyone."

"Promise."

"Hunter."

"C'mon. You have to promise." I reached out to him again.

"I promise," I confirmed when he flinched, hoping that he would settle down. He hugged me again, gripping so tightly that I knew I had made the right decision. I knew how weak my brother was.

The only problem with not telling anyone was that I had no good reason to get out of switching schools anymore, despite the fact that I knew leaving him to fight himself alone made absolutely no sense in the world. I didn't go to school for the rest of December, since my mom decided to pull me out as soon as possible. She worked on getting me enrolled while keeping close tabs on me. I didn't get into any trouble; I spent most of the time studying on my own and working on my writing to quell my nerves. The therapist visited a few times as well. I tried to reason with Hunter, saying that if I kept quiet, I would still have to leave. He refused to give in, his fear outweighed everything, only confirming that I was the worst brother for abandoning him. On New Year's Eve, I told him to make me a promise, almost like a resolution. He had to promise to facetime every day. I had to see his face. He begrudgingly agreed, and not five minutes had passed before I was packing my bags. My mother had me on a flight the next day.

"You can't say anything that would make me mad at you," I tried to sound understanding.

"It's nothing really. Just people saying crap."

"What people?"

"Yael."

"Your girlfriend?"

"She's not my girlfriend."

"Uh sorry. I meant a girl friend. What is she saying?"

"She's saying all this stuff about how she can't be around me anymore. I told her I was sorry about the dance, like you said I should." I racked my brain of any knowledge of actually giving him this advice. Most of what Hunter said to me confused the hell out of me. He tried to be as vague as possible, using codewords and euphemisms to hide any semblance of a point he was making. Every scenario was hypothetical. I remember him saying something along the lines of what if I had a plant but instead of giving it water I gave it Gatorade and now it's dying? To which I'm sure whatever my response was translated to apologize to Yael for mistreating her and insulting her at the dance.

"And she didn't accept your apology?"

"No! She got all mad. She said it wasn't a real apology. And some other stuff."

"Well what did you say? How did you apologize?"

"I don't know!" He yelled and stood up from his computer. He started pacing and biting at his nails. "I just tried to apologize to her! I don't know what I said! No one listens to me, Miles. No one understands me. I try to talk to them and they get mad. I try to explain something and they get mad. I try to defend myself and they get mad. Everyone just gets mad at me when I don't even do anything! If I said I'm sorry, why is that not an apology?" He kept going on and on like that, and every time I tried to get in a word he would tell me to shut up and let him think. Hunter had the hardest time trying to express himself, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why.

"Hunter!" I called out his name to get him to stop when I saw him crying again. "Hunter listen to me. You need to calm down."

"Like it's that simple," he spat out at me.

"Hunter." I swallowed, taking a second to think about what I wanted to say. "Every time you get angry, every time that you feel yourself starting to lose control, I want you to remember what I look like." He just squinted at me, not saying anything. "I want you to remember who I am and what I'm doing here instead of with you and I want you to hate me enough that you swear to yourself that you will never become like me." He still didn't really know what to say, but at least he sat down again. Moments of silence passed between us before my brother eventually broke it.

"How was school for you?"

"Not sure yet," I laughed. "Gotta go talk to my counselor so he can tell me how I feel about it." Hunter loved blatant cynicism and I was happy to be an asshole if he cracked a smile.

"Good luck with that. Later."

"Later." I ended the call and stretched out on my bed, letting my head hit the pillow. I closed my eyes and maybe got in a few minutes of rest before my roommate barreled through the door. "Jesus, Emmett. I was trying to get thirty minutes in." I turned to scowl at him only to realize that his hands overflowed with books and he could barely get to his bed before dropping them everywhere.

"Sorry. I didn't have anything to carry these with."

"Are you starting your research project already? It's not due until the middle of February; you have tons of time."

"Yeah, I have to." Emmett shrugged and moved over to the mirror to check his hair. "Things are starting to get crazy with hockey practice and other crap. I'd rather get this assignment over with while I still have the time."

"Damn I wish I had my life together as much as you do."

"It takes time and effort." He smiled at me. "And natural talent."

"Yeah okay."

"No seriously. With daily practice, I'd say you could make it to half as good as me."

"Screw you," I laughed. Coming to this school, I was a nervous wreck. Arriving in a cab, I had no heartfelt goodbyes, just some random driver impatiently waiting for a tip. Plus, I knew that I was rooming with a guy who was lucky enough to not get paired up with a roommate at the start of the year. I'm sure he was glad to have the place to himself before he was notified that some random was moving in out of nowhere when he got back from winter break. Not that I told him anything about why I was there. I needed the normalcy.

"Speaking of having things to do, I ran into Nick earlier. He was looking for you."

"Nick?"

"Yeah. He didn't say why. Said you would know though." I did my best to look confused.

"Nah, it beats me. Maybe he has a question about physics. He was complaining about it yesterday."

"Probably. I pegged the kid as booksmart, but even in English he looks at me like a lost dog."

"He has other talents." I cleared my throat. "I'm sure."

"Right. Well go figure out what he wants. I want the room to myself. Need to focus."

"Go you!" I jokingly punched out my fist in encouragement and grabbed my jacket before walking out the door.

Goosebumps covered me immediately upon exiting the dormitory. Clouds obstructed the sun and wind blew into my eyes and through my hair. I caught Nick smoking outside the gates of the campus, technically off school property. Making sure that no one was around first, I leaned over the gate and grabbed him by the shoulders.

"Fuck!" He called out, but smiled when he realized it was just me. "Dude you scared me."

"Emmett told me you were looking for me. What's up?"

"Nothing. Just haven't seen you recently."

"And by recently you mean two days?"

"We live at school, Miles. Five minutes already feels like an eternity." I laughed, and when he offered me a drag I just shook my head and walked out to stand by him. "Did Emmett say anything else?"

"No, why? Got the hots for him?" Nick scowled. "No, he didn't think anything of it. I just told him I was tutoring you."

"I could be into that."

"No can do, actually," I tried to look sad about it for his benefit. "I have a session in like ten minutes or so. Plus, I don't know anything about physics."

"Why that of all things?" I shrugged and watched him smoke in silence. "Are you nervous about counseling?"

"A little. I don't know if I have anything to say really. They've been making me go in once a week, but nothing here ever changes."

"It's good that way though." Nick stomped his cigarette out before smiling up at me. "Thanks for meeting me out here. We literally didn't do anything."

"You're right. It was a total waste of time and I'm a saint for spending it with you."

"Fuck off."

"You can make it up to me later." I kissed him quickly and started walking in the direction of the counseling center. "Go inside!" I yelled out, not sure if he was still standing there or not. "It's freezing out here!"

I had only been in the counseling office a few times. Part of the agreement with my parents was that if I didn't go to a school specializing in students with mental health issues, I still had to see a counselor once a week. I managed to keep this a secret from everyone but Nick since I got here, so I considered that a success on my part. I couldn't stand the thought of anyone finding out the truth.

"So it's your third week here," Dr. Reiss started, pulling out his notebook. "Still adjusting well, I hope?"

"Yeah, everything's been great. People are pretty nice."

"How are your classes?"

"Challenging. In a good way."

"That's nice to hear. What are you liking in your classes so far?"

"Well, English is probably my favorite. I like writing." Dr. Reiss smiled at that. "Physics is the hardest." For some reason I was still thinking about the most useless class in the world.

"Ah. Physics is fascinating." I wouldn't go that far. "I assume you're learning about Newton?"

"That's day one, Doctor. The three laws and everything." I tapped my head. "Couldn't forget them if I tried."

"Newton had some very interesting ideas. He said 'objects in motion tend to stay in motion.'"

"Yeah," I remembered the first day of physics back at Degrassi. Somehow it felt like years since I'd been there. We had to repeat the three laws over and over and over again to the point that I was sick of them. I muttered them in my sleep. "Unless an external force is applied to it. Unless something else stops it."

"Exactly. Tell me Miles, when you have objects spinning out of control, how big does that force have to be to stop them? What could possibly stop them?"

"I'm not telling you why I'm here."

"I already know why you're here, Miles. But I want to hear it from you, not your mother." He wanted me to tell him why I stopped taking drugs. How I face-planted into rock bottom. He wanted me to tell him what that rock bottom was. I thought about why I was here. I thought about why I wasn't at home. Why I had abandoned Hunter. He needed me and I left him there. Things get hard and Miles Hollingsworth III just gives up and leaves. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. Suddenly Maya was in my head, screaming at me about how I always do the ugly thing, and she was right. I could see the disappointment in Frankie's face when she found my stash and how stone cold Tristan was when he told me I would end up all alone. But he forgave me right? I apologized right? I said I was sorry he had to have known I was sorry. I should have apologized to Maya. I should have apologized to Esme. Where was Esme? My vision started to fail me; my head was pounding and I couldn't breathe. It took everything I could to not yell out how fucking sorry I was for leaving the people I cared about and living it up here while they were left to-

"Miles?" I couldn't answer Dr. Reiss. I didn't care about Dr. Reiss. My family needed me. My friends needed me. Did I even have friends? I thought about Hunter, sitting all alone in his room. Crying. Yelling. No one understood him. No one knew anything about him. Not like I did. "Miles!" What?

I was standing up. I don't even know when I stood up. Dr. Reiss had reached out and touched me on the shoulder, pulling me out of my frenzy. I wasn't even in front of the chair anymore. I was on the opposite side of the room.

"Hold on," Dr. Reiss went over to his desk. "Let me get you a band-aid."

"For what?" Was what I tried to say, but my fingers were in my mouth. I pulled my hand away to realize I was biting at my nails, and my ring finger was bleeding. "I…I'm sorry. I don't know what that was."

"It's alright, Miles. Try and sit back down." He guided me back to the chair and I tried to lower myself down as steadily as possible. "Take a deep breath." I felt myself gain composure and let out a few shaky breaths as my head cleared. "Did I say something that bothered you?"

"What? No." I didn't even remember what we were talking about. "I just…"

"You just what?"

"I just miss Hunter."

"Who is Hunter?"

"My brother."

"I see. It must be difficult to be far away from your family. A lot of the students here feel very homesick. Are you and your brother very close?" I didn't hesitate for a second.

"Yes. We are."