Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and If You Were Gay is from the Broadway Musical - Avenue Q which belongs to Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx, I have gained nothing but personal satisfaction for writing this.
A/N: This was written for a songfic contest on LJ, but I pulled it out of that. I wanted to get it posted and they were having trouble making a decision. I still wish everyone else the best of luck. (This is my first songfic. I had no idea how hard they were!)
Thanks to FairyNiamh for betaing after I pulled it from the contest (look, I fixed it, no more Itcha Itcha! hahaha!) Thanks to alisteal on LJ for betaing it before I entered it in the contest.
--
"Aah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, 'Icha Icha Yaoi Rules'. No 'roommate' to bother me. How could it get any better than this?" Kakashi sighed. Naruto had been living with him for a month now, while the younger man's apartment building underwent some massive repairs. He was beginning to drive Kakashi nuts, in a lot of ways.
The door opened and a travel pack hit the floor. Kakashi groaned and slid the book into his back pocket, pulling a copy of the hetero version from under a couch cushion. He would have to pretend the words 'she' and 'hers and such were really 'he' and 'his' again. He really wasn't ready to 'come out' in front of his former student.
"Oh, hi K'ashi!" Naruto said with the annoyingly cheerful smile.
"Hi Naruto."
"Hey K'ashi, you'll never guess what happened to me on the road this morning. This guy was smiling at me and talking to me..."
"That's very interesting." Like Kakashi cared? He ignored the fact that he'd just re-read the same sentence twice.
"He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought I was gay!" Naruto said as he landed, travel dust and all, next to Kakashi on the couch.
"Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care." Kakashi was very aware of their close proximity. He tried to change the subject. "What did you have for lunch today?"
"Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, K'ashi..." Naruto smiled in that disarming way and all the warning bells went off in Kakashi's head.
"I'm NOT getting defensive! What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay?" He hit the page he was reading with the back of his hand for emphasis and said. "I'm trying to read."
"Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Kakashi. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about."
Kakashi paled a little under his mask. He really didn't want to talk about this with Naruto. "I don't want to talk about it, Naruto! This conversation is over!!" Kakashi stood up and started for the door of his bedroom.
"Yeah, but..." Naruto persisted, pouting a little at his older friend's gruff tone.
"OVER!!" Kakashi said as he shut his bedroom door firmly and fell face first onto his bed. The kid was gonna be the death of him. Naruto wouldn't let this go, Kakashi knew it, he just knew it.
"Well, okay, but just so you know — If you were gay...That'd be okay." The voice was as golden and cheery as the mussed hair on the eighteen year old boy's head. "I mean 'cause, Hey, I'd like you anyway." Kakashi tried to smother himself with a pillow, just to get that voice out of his head. It didn't work, his ears were straining to every golden syllable. "Because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say that I was gay." Naruto spoke softly as he made his way to the room Kakashi was letting him use while he stayed here.
BUT you're NOT GAY. Kakashi thought with sad choked sob. He had to admit it now. He was in love with the annoying blond ball of warm fuzzy feelings.
Two days later:
"Naruto, please! I am trying to read..." The damn kid kept taking the book out of his hands, obviously trying to talk to him. Kakashi didn't want to talk. "What?!" He finally asked in exasperation.
"If you were queer."
"Ah, Naruto!" Kakashi rolled his eyes. Not this again.
"I'd still be here,"
Kakashi interrupted him again. "Naruto, I'm trying to read this book."
"Year after year." The boy looked so sweet and sincere.
"Naruto!"
"Because you're dear to me," The love, platonic love, in the blue eyes was too much to be borne.
Kakashi got up, without his book. "Argh!" He stormed off toward the training grounds, desperately in need of something to destroy.
--
That evening:
Naruto started in the moment he got back. Kakashi started doing busy work, just to keep the kid from smothering him.
"And I know that you..."
Kakashi had been ignoring him, but the pause in the almost constant babble drew his attention from the kunai he was sharpening. "What?"
"Would accept me too," The boys voice was soft, almost a whisper.
"I would?" What the hell else was he supposed to say...?
"If I told you today, 'HEY! GUESS WHAT, I'M GAY!'
I'd jump your bones...BUT you're NOT GAY.
Naruto stood up slowly, now that he had Kakashi's attention, he wasn't going to lose it. "I'm happy just being with you." He began to take off the orange and black jacket. All he had on underneath was a black mesh shirt.
Kakashi tried to derail his thoughts. High Button Shoes, Pal Joey...
"So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?" There was a hint of sadness in the voice and Kakashi couldn't figure it out.
"Naruto, that's perverse!" Whatever, lying closet perv... He berated himself.
"No it's not!" Naruto insisted vehemently. "If you were gay I'd shout HOORAY!" Naruto threw his hands up for emphasis and Kakashi was starting to figure this out.
He wasn't ready to deal with the implications. I am not listening! He told himself even as his ears perked up like a puppies.
"and here I'd stay," Naruto said softly as he slid to his knees in front of the older man. His blue eyes soft and pleading.
Kakashi tried to ignore the image and the words. La la la la la!
"But I wouldn't get in your way." The blond head dropped, just before a tear was clearly visible on a golden cheek.
"Aaaah!" Kakashi growled. Now he'd made the boy cry. He tried to say something, anything, nothing came out.
Naruto continued speak where he was. "You can count on me...to always be beside you every day, to tell you it's okay, you were just born that way," That last bit sounded like the younger man was trying to console himself. It could be so difficult when you first realize that you don't fit the hetero mold everyone expected. "and, as they say, it's in your DNA, YOU'RE GAY!"
"But you're NOT GAY!" Kakashi felt like a moron for blurting out the fact that he had repeated to himself for the past year about the younger man.
"If I were gay?" Naruto responded his voice barely a whisper, as his golden hands came up to rest on Kakashi's firm thighs, caressing them gently.
"Argh!" Kakashi pulled the boy up to him and whispered fiercely. "Then I'd kiss you like this!"
They weren't able to talk for sometime and then it was to decide that Naruto really didn't need that little apartment of his. Kakashi had more than enough room in his for both of them.
--End--
If You Were Gay (song lyrics) from the Avenue Q musical, written by Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx
ROD
Aah, an afternoon alone with
My favorite book, "Broadway
Musicals of the 1940s."
No roommate to bother me.
How could it get any better than this?
NICKY
Oh,hi Rod!
ROD
Hi Nicky.
NICKY
Hey Rod, you'll never
Guess what happened to
Me on the subway this morning.
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me
ROD
That's very interesting.
NICKY
He was being real friendly,
And I think he was coming on to me.
I think he might've thought I was gay!
ROD
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this?
Why should I care?
I don't care.
What did you have for lunch today?
NICKY
Oh, you don't have to get
All defensive about it, Rod...
ROD
I'm NOT getting defensive!
What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay?
I'm trying to read.
NICKY
Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod.
I just think it's something we should be able to talk about.
ROD
I don't want to talk about it,
Nicky! This conversation is over!!
NICKY
Yeah, but...
ROD
OVER!!
NICKY
Well, okay, but just so you know —
IF YOU WERE GAY
THAT'D BE OKAY.
I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY,
I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.
BECAUSE YOU SEE,
IF IT WERE ME,
I WOULD FEEL FREE
TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)
ROD
Nicky, please!
I am trying to read...
What?!
NICKY
IF YOU WERE QUEER
ROD
Ah, Nicky!
NICKY
I'D STILL BE HERE,
ROD
Nicky, I'm trying to read this book.
NICKY
YEAR AFTER YEAR
ROD
Nicky!
NICKY
BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAR
TO ME,
ROD
Argh!
NICKY
AND I KNOW THAT YOU
ROD
What?
NICKY
WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO,
ROD
I would?
NICKY
IF I TOLD YOU TODAY,
"HEY! GUESS WHAT,
I'M GAY!"
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)
I'M HAPPY
JUST BEING WITH YOU.
ROD
High Button Shoes, Pal Joey...
NICKY
SO WHAT SHOULD IT
MATTER TO ME
WHAT YOU DO IN BED
WITH GUYS?
ROD
Nicky, that's GROSS!
NICKY
No it's not!
IF YOU WERE GAY
I'D SHOUT HOORAY!
ROD
I am not listening!
NICKY
AND HERE I'D STAY,
ROD
La la la la la!
NICKY
BUT I WOULDN'T GET
IN YOUR WAY.
ROD
Aaaah!
NICKY
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME
TO ALWAYS BE
BESIDE YOU EVERY DAY,
TO TELL YOU IT'S OKAY,
YOU WERE JUST BORN
THAT WAY,
AND, AS THEY SAY,
IT'S IN YOUR DNA,
YOU'RE GAY!
ROD
BUT I'M NOT GAY!
NICKY
If you were gay.
ROD
Argh!