Chapter 1: Dear Jacob
August 14, 2006 Forks
Dear Jake,
I'm not going to pretend that I was happy about the other night ended but I will say that I will always be your friend and I that unlike most people I don't break promises. I know that you're worried about Edward's lifestyle. I also know that you may hate me right now since you're not answering my calls, emails, or texts. Your dad said that you needed time. I'll try to respect that. I know that it's hard for you to respect my relationship with Edward but that you still try for my sake. Me writing you these letters is me trying to respect you. Know that just because you're hurting doesn't mean you're alone. You were always there for me when I needed you and so in writing to you I'm doing my best to be there for you in return.
If you can't be happy for my decision to be with Edward at least be happy knowing that I'm happy.
Always thinking of you,
Bella
August 16, 2006 Forks
Dear Jake,
I know we haven't been talking much anymore and I know I hurt you. I hurt a lot of people by choosing Edward and his…lifestyle. You're not taking my calls or emails anymore and you haven't for a long time, but I get that. That night when we almost—you said something to me. I looked it up. I know how it feels for your heart to break. It's nothing like a romance novel or a teen drama. It feels like someone died but that person you're mourning is you. When Edward left me, I died. When I said you couldn't fix me I wasn't saying that you couldn't fix anyone else. You can't fix dead.
But you still tried. If I was a dead tree you trimmed back every part of me looking for a sign of life and eventually you found it. So maybe I only died a little. Maybe I was only dormant, not dead completely, since there was still something to find.
When I was with you I felt like a part of me was healing. But I couldn't let go of Edward. First love is hard to kill. I'm rambling but the point of me telling you this is that I know about your feelings and I don't pity you. I do love you, but not the way you deserve. I want you to know that I miss our friendship but out of respect I'll keep my distance until you're ready.
My dad doesn't let Edward in the house or through the windows and your family agrees with him and so Edward stays on the edge of Forks when I visit. He can't really go to Arizona when I visit my mom because of the weather (sunny all the time). But she and her new husband come out to Alaska to visit us pretty often.
Alaska is like the best of both worlds for Edward and I. I know Edward can't go in the sun. But I love it. I love letting it brown my skin I love the feel of it. It's why I was such a brat when I left Arizona but you knew that. The summers in Alaska are beautiful: ridiculously long days of warmth and sun. The sky is so incredibly blue here. No smog no hint of pollution brown. It's so blue it makes you ache inside and it reflects the ocean like a perfect mirror. Like I said you should come out here.
I know that your tribe doesn't let you leave much since you accepted leadership but you should come out here anyway. I heard about it from Uncle Billy. Congratulations by the way.
The winters here are nice too. You know me I get a little gloomy when it's rainy (like forks) or pitch dark like here. But Edward is showing me how beautiful it can be at night like the Auroras. I saw my first one this year and there's really nothing like it. Pictures don't do it justice. It lights up the whole sky with streaks of color.
I know you worry but I'm happy. I mean really happy. No more screaming nightmares you know? All I can hope for you is that one day; you'll feel the same way. Whatever girl you set your eyes on is sure to be blessed. I know you worry about your condition and how it changes you and how it's already changed Sam. But I know that you'll never really change. To me you'll always be the same: my best friend. Thanks again for the wedding present. I'm still going to use the smaller dream catcher you got me for my birthday. The big one is hanging over my side of the bed (Edward doesn't sleep so he doesn't need it). I love it though.
Always thinking of you,
Bella