I have this nostalgic (or whatever) mood, so I'm just going to write something here.

Have I told you or wrote you, that my family is broken? I don't know where's my dad and my mom was eaten by titan and the only one I can talk with is Mikasa and Armin.

I thought, that Hannes is something like my new father, but he was drink all the time and he was swearing about how dumb I am and that I am such an asshole and I'm not needed and so on.

There were times when I had new cut on hand or leg, jsut only one line from blood. I did not do it for a year. I am free and one day I want to say: "I did it" and go on with a smile.

Now I'm free for a year, instead of this I'm smoking and sometimes I'm drinking so fricking much, that I don't know, where's right and where's left.

I have depressions because of what I am, who I am. That I'm looking like I look, that I don't know what I want… I can't do anything right. I'm running away, hiding, I'm hiding in myself. Everyday more and more.

And that is why I have learned a sham. I have a sham, and no one knows how am I feeling inside. Even my best friend, whom I know for 14 (almost 15) years, didn't know what's wrong with me. I have that great sham.

But that's nothing. A sham is something what belongs to my life as much as breathing. Sometimes I have that feeling, that I want to run away, vanish, come to nothing. Just go and hang myself, jump from a bridge, have a car accident, whatever…

I don't have even strenght for a sham. I don't have strenght for waiting for something.

And have I told you, that I hate surprises or people, who's making fun of me? I know, that someone is making fun of me because of my anger then, but I will smile at them again. But I don't have strenght for it.

Someone told me, that I'm a heartless, self-centred bitch, and I should think about myself and what I am doing to those, who love me. But I am me and I can't change it.

I'm starting to have depression here and I think I'm going to kill myself or broke something, to be good. A pain is a consolation.

I'm sorry.

I will always love you, Levi.

With love, Eren.