Shinjirareru Mono
Author: ScarecrowsAngel
Rating: K+, just to remain on the safe side
Disclaimer: CSI: Miami mine? I don't even own the computer I'm typing this on! Only the character of Ryusuke Okano belongs to me. CSI: Miami belongs to Anthony Zuiker and the other Powers That Be. Calleigh and Eric belong with each other.
Spoilers: Up to and including the season 5 finale
Timeline: Directly following 5x24 "Born To Kill"
A/N: Wow, this bunny has been in the works for months. Well, this is my first foray into CSI: Miami. I realize it is probably a bit late for a Season Five episode, but I only got started watching the show last year. English is only my second language (German being my first) and the fic has not been beta'd, so any mistakes you find are mine. Please let me know what you think. Praise and constructive criticism will be saved and cherished. Flames will be ignored.
The title is Japanese and loosely translates as "Something To Believe In". At least it is supposed to. Anyone with a Japanese background more solid than mine who finds my translation lacking, please let me know.
*** E/C ***
It is five p.m., it is the end of his shift, and Eric Delko couldn't possibly feel more miserable.
Whenever he closes his eyes, the same movie replays. Calleigh and Jake. Jake and Calleigh. The tender way she touched his cheek. And then the kiss. Every time that scene replays in his mind, it seems to rip his heart apart just a little more. The remaining hour of his shift felt like the longest hour of his life. It is almost with a sense of relief that he puts away his gun and badge in his locker and leaves work for the day.
Eric arrives at his condo fully intending to just curl up and hide from the world. He changes out of his white suit into something more comfortable - black sweatpants and a black t-shirt- the colors much more fitting his mood. He flops down on his couch and listlessly begins to flip through the channels. But no more than five minutes later he turns off the TV and throws the remote down on the couch. It's no use. He feels like the walls are closing in on him and he just *has* to get out of the house. So he exchanges his sweatpants for a pair of black jeans, grabs his keys and heads out into the sunny early evening.
The sights and sounds of Little Havana have always helped to soothe Eric's mind even just a little bit, and today is no exception, in spite of his still aching heart. He knows the sea has a similarly calming effect on him, so he decides to head for the beach.
Even though it is still light outside, the lights of a bar on the other side of the road catch Eric's eye, and it triggers memories in him, vivid memories. He knows this place. Since he is thirsty anyway, he crosses the street and heads toward the bar.
*** E/C ***
It's almost like coming home. The bar „Mare Atlantico" has not changed much since Eric last was here, almost two years ago. He takes a long look at everything – the neon lighting in all the colors of the sea, the bright and modern surroundings, the small tables dotted around the room– before stepping up to the bar and settling on one of the stools.
"Delko!" a voice rings out, startling him. "Man, I haven't seen you here in a while!"
Eric doesn't even need to look. "Len Bentz", he says with a broad grin. The two men greet each other with a hearty handshake.
Meeting Len again is a nice surprise. He is one of those bartenders born for the job, but always on the lookout for something better. Eric had thought he would have found that something by now.
Or maybe Len likes his job more than he lets on.
The bartender does a bit of a double-take when Eric orders only a soda. "You sure? You look like you could use something stronger."
But Eric is sure and Len gets him his drink without delay. He's taking his first sip when Len calls out again. "Hey, Okano."
Eric looks a bit to his right, where an Asian-looking young man takes a seat two stools down. "Hey, Len."
The bartender takes a closer look at the new arrival. "Man, you look like you lost your best friend."
The young man sighs. "I might have."
"Mel?" At the affirming nod, Len exhales sharply. "That sucks, it really does. So, what's your poison?"
"The usual."
Whatever "the usual" is, it takes Len by surprise. "You're kidding, right?"
He chuckles a bit. "Nope."
Len gives a chuckle of his own. "You're contagious. You know that, don't you."
Now it's the other guy's turn to be surprised. "Contagious?"
"Two guys", Len indicates the two men in front of him, "both looking like they're in need of one or six strong drinks, but…" With that, he puts a glass of what looks like orange juice in front of the Asian guy.
For the first time, he looks to his left at Eric and gives him a grin. Eric raises his soda bottle and grins back.
"Simple explanation, Len", the guy deadpans. "I don't feel like adding a headache to the heartache."
"Right on, Okano."
Someone down the bar calls out, "Hey, Lennie!", and the bartender's face visibly darkens. "Excuse me", he growls and leaves.
"What's with Len all of a sudden?" the other guy asks.
Eric gives him a conspiratorial grin. "Don't ever call him 'Lennie'."
Both men share a chuckle at that.
"So, what's your excuse for staying off the booze?" the Asian guy asks Eric.
Eric looks down at his soda. "I'm with MDPD", he answers. "I've seen what too much alcohol can make people do. Besides", he takes a sip, "it won't help the problem."
"The other guy sighs. "Yeah, that too." Then he looks back at Eric. "You mind…" He indicates the empty seat between them.
Eric doesn't mind, not at all. He likes the guy, and right now he's grateful for anything to take his mind off Calleigh.
The guy moves to the next stool and both men clink their respective containers together in a mock toast.
"Name's Eric Delko", Eric is the first to introduce himself.
"Ryusuke Okano. Nice to meet you."
Japanese, at least part Japanese, Eric mentally catalogues, and he just knows he's going to have a problem with the pronunciation of that first name.
"Yeah, I know", he grins before Eric has had time to phrase the question. "My folks wanted to give me a name that's 100% Japanese, even though I'm only 50%. They had no idea back then that barely anyone of my fellow Americans can pronounce that name."
Both men chuckle. "So, how do you deal with it?" Eric asks.
"Most people simply use my last name, like Len here", he explains. He gets serious and gives another sigh. "Mel used to call me 'Ryu'. It's Japanese for 'dragon', which is also my star sign." He takes a sip of his OJ. "But that was a name just for her, you know. I don't think I'll ever hear it again."
Yes, Eric is definitely not the only one who is feeling lovesick today. "So, Okano then", he provides.
"Yeah. Simplest solution all around." He turns away for a moment. "Len – okawari."
Eric doesn't know what that last word means, but Len obviously does – Within a minute, a full glass replaces the empty one. "So, Delko", Len then turns to Eric. "What took you away for so long?"
"Work, mostly", he answers. It's a little more than that, but Eric doesn't feel like talking about it. This bar has been a place for him to pick up some female companionship of the short-term kind, but that is so far behind him now that it seems like it happened in another lifetime. Eric knows he won't return to that lifestyle – He'd outgrown it even before he caught that bullet in the head.
Len gives a nod and lowers his voice. "I heard about what happened to you half a year ago. Honestly, it's really good to see you again."
Eric gives the barman a grin, grateful that he kept it general. He doesn't want to think or talk about the shooting or anything following that.
First and foremost in his mind had been to make it back to work as soon as he could. It had been much more difficult than he had ever thought possible. He'd made mistakes at first, stupid mistakes. Without Calleigh, without her help, her patience and understanding, he probably wouldn't have made it.
The thought of Calleigh makes him sigh again, and he drains his soda. When he looks up, Len raises a new bottle and gives him a questioning look. Eric nods and grins. That's so typical for Len.
When he looks back at Okano, the sadness has gone from the guy's eyes to make way for curiosity. But he doesn't indulge in that, as much as he obviously wants to
"Just thinking of a friend", Eric provides.
Okano nods. "Is she a good friend?"
Eric nods, and then something clicks. "How do you know she's a she?"
"Part observation, part lucky guess", Okano quips before the sadness once again overtakes his eyes.
"What is she like? Mel?" Eric asks impulsively, unable to stop himself. It's almost as if the question originated in his curiosity and bypassed his brain entirely. What business of his is Okano's girlfriend – well, former girlfriend – anyway?
But for some reason, Okano doesn't seem to mind. "She's the most beautiful woman in the world", he answers without the slightest hesitation.
Eric has to do his best not to chuckle at that. To him, that description only fits one woman, and her name is *not* Mel.
But when Okano goes on, Eric's bottle pauses halfway to his lips. "Eyes like the ocean, hair like sunlight." Okano must have seen Eric's reaction. "I know, I sound like the biggest, sappiest cliché on Earth. " He chuckles again, somewhat bitterly this time. "Ask me if I care."
Eric shakes his head. "Nah, the description rang a bell, that's all."
"Of course it did. There are more blue-eyed blondes out there, after all."
Eric, of course, had thought about green eyes, but he doesn't say that out loud. Eyes like the ocean, hair like sunlight – The description might sound sappy, and even cliché, but to Eric it fits Calleigh to a tee, and not in a sappy, cliché way. He sighs. He just can't get her out of his head.
"But they are not like Mel", Okano continues, choosing to ignore Eric's sigh. "She's one of a kind."
"How long?"
Eric doesn't clarify his question, but he doesn't need to. "We've been together for four months, but I've known her since College. She was studying Japanese and needed someone to practice with – that's how we met." He drains his juice, flags Len down and, after mentioning that he needs to look out for his stomach, takes the bartender's suggestion for banana juice. Eric orders one for himself as well – He is done with carbonated beverages for today.
Okano then turns back to Eric. "We became really good friends. I guess that's what makes it so difficult."
"That's what you meant earlier", Eric says. When Okano nods, Eric's next words surprise him. "You know, there's this woman I work with, her name is Natalia. We've been seeing each other last year. It ended a few months ago, but we're still really good friends, even though it *did* end a bit on the awkward side."
Okano sighs. "I'd be okay with that", he declares. "I just want her to be happy. Would be nice if I could be the one to do it, but I have to accept that it's not up to me anymore. As long as we could still be friends, I'd be okay with it."
Eric can only marvel at Okano's selfless attitude. He wishes he could see it the same way, but even the thought of Jake Berkeley seems to be too much right now. No, no can do.
When Eric looks at Okano again, the sadness and hopelessness have gone from the guy's dark eyes. Eric can see that he's struggling not to cling to that hope, but he seems to feel much better than he did earlier.
*** E/C ***
The sun is hiding behind a dark wall of clouds by the time Eric leaves the bar, and those dark clouds now mirror his mood to a tee. Calleigh has been at the back of his mind almost constantly, but for the past hour or so he could distract himself talking to Okano.
No longer, though. As he stands on the boardwalk and stares morosely out to sea, the realization hits him again and it almost hurts. He has lost her. Plain and simple and so painful it nearly brings tears to his eyes. And the worst thing is that he most certainly won't get over his feelings for her. Everything reminds him of her in some way or other. The lighting in the bar, for example – It reminded him of all the different shades of green in her eyes.
For one single, irrational moment he almost wishes someone would shoot him again, so he could just forget his feelings for her and how heartbroken he feels. He dismisses that thought almost immediately – That would make a lot of people very unhappy, including Calleigh. And as bad as he feels right now, he doesn't want that. In spite of everything, he cares too much about her. He doesn't want to use the term "love", even though that would be closer to the truth.
He still wants her to be happy. He still wants to see her smile, like when she had been on the phone just recently. As alarmed as he had felt when she had disclosed that it had been Jake on the phone, it had still made his day just to see her bright, happy smile.
Okano's words come back to him: "I just want her to be happy. Would be nice if I could be the one to do it, but I have to accept that it's not up to me anymore. As long as we could still be friends, I'd be okay with it."
Okano made it sound so easy. Back at the bar Eric had been sure someone had to be a saint to be able to see things that way. But now he can see the truth behind those words.
Will he, Eric, be able to do that? He barks out a mirthless laugh in answer to his thought. He's lost her. Why bother?
He doesn't know why, but suddenly he remembers something Calleigh has told him just a few hours earlier: "You know I trust you with my life."
Those had been her words. And she had meant them, Eric knows that with absolute certainty. Just like she had told him that she trusted him almost two years ago, "with every fiber of my being". His feathers had been ruffled by something back then. He can't even remember what bothered him that time, but he does remember feeling warmed to the heart at Calleigh's quiet assertion.
That is what he just knows he can't lose, ever: Her faith and trust in him. That and her unwavering friendship had been what pulled him through more than once after the shooting. As much as he wants more, he starts to remind himself what he has. And he knows that is a lot, because he knows how difficult it is to gain Calleigh's trust.
Yes, she trusts him. And there is certainly no reason for that to have changed.
He'll just have to accept Calleigh's decision. Five minutes ago, that thought would have depressed Eric, but now that depression is being replaced with an almost iron resolve. He'll do it, because not doing so would lead to him losing her completely. And he can't lose her, not ever, and certainly not that way, not by pushing her away with jealousy. That would be the stupidest thing he could do. He'll accept Calleigh's decision, tamp down on his jealousy as best he can (and he knows that will be no picnic for him) and continue to show her through his actions how much she means to him.
A sudden warmth on his back makes Eric turn around. The solid cloud wall behind the Miami skyline has weakened just a bit, causing a single beam of bright sunlight to shine between two of the skyscrapers and fall directly on him. Someone, or something, approves of the conclusion Eric has just drawn, it seems.
With that uplifting thought, and feeling much better about the entire situation, he starts the walk back home.
Owari (The End)