Goonies For Life
"Has it really been fifteen years?" asked Stephanie Steinbrenner to her friend across the table. "Sometimes I wonder if it really happened."
"I know," Andrea Walsh said "if we had made up the story no one would have believed it could have happened. Finding a pirate ship intact that's gone missing for over 300 years while being chased by wanted felons. I sure that happens to people every day!" The incident was the discovery of the Inferno, infamous ship of the pirate One-Eyed Willy who was trapped in a local cave by a British armada in the 1600's. Many had searched in vain, including Chester Copperpot who lost his life in the pursuit. But a little detective work by a group of local kids self-named 'The Goonies' had put them on the trail of the ship and the legendary treasure thanks to an old treasure map. In the process they had discovered the Fratelli gang hiding out; Jake, Francis and their matriarch Mama Fratelli were killers and soon were on the trail of the kids and the treasure. Their other son, a disfigured giant known as Sloth, had befriended the Goonie Chunk and came to the rescue during a climactic scene surrounding the Inferno as it lay in a subterranean cave. After everyone escaped to the safety of the beach, they witnessed the Inferno sail off to the southwest. The Fratellis were imprisoned, and Mikey's marble bag that still contained a few magnificent gems was enough to cancel the foreclosures on the area known as the Goon Docks.
"Do you think everyone will show up for the reunion Andy? It's been, like, ten years since we were all together the last time."
"Not everyone, Stef. We know Brandon can't be there." Andy had married Brandon Walsh when they were both graduated from high school. He took a year of community college and then joined the army; he was currently stationed in Europe. "I think pretty much everyone else is going to try and make it."
"Wow, that is so cool. It'll be fun! What time tomorrow are we supposed to be down there?" Stef was always the most excitable of the group.
"I don't know about you and Larry, but I plan to be there by ten. I don't have anything else going on that day, and that way we can sit and talk before lunch."
...
"Alright, the official ten year anniversary reunion meeting of the Goonies will now come to order!" Clark Devereaux shouted. The talking became much quieter. "Senor Presidente, would you like to take over?" Clark, who went by the nickname 'Mouth' in their younger days, gestured to a young man sitting at a table.
"No Clark, it's your place and you're the one that likes to talk the most anyway" Mike Walsh answered. "Otherwise whoever runs the meeting will spend all afternoon trying to get you to shut up." The others laughed, and even Clark chuckled.
"Okay, but don't blame me if I forget something. Here in Seaside we're a little laid back, not like that hustle and bustle of Astoria. Okay, before the Goonie roll call everyone stand and take the oath.
Much complaining and groaning ensued. "I'm running the meeting, so we do it the old way" Clark enjoined. Slowly, they got to their feet before reciting as one:
I will never betray my goon dock friends
We will stick together until the whole world ends
Through heaven and hell, and nuclear war
Good pals like us, will stick like tar
In the city, or the country, or the forest, or the boonies
I am proudly declared a fellow Goonie
"Now that we've dispensed with the oath we move on to the roll call. When your name is called tell us what you've done, if anything, for the last ten years. Leave out any juicy details and we'll make some up to fill in the gaps. Remember, we know how to find you" he said with a mock sinister accent. "First up, Mike!"
Mike "Mikey" Walsh spoke. "Call it destiny, but I kind of followed in my dad's footsteps. I took up history and archeology, and work on the native history of the Pacific Northwest. Anything from the Bering Strait landbridge migration up to the Lewis and Clark expedition. I've done digs in five states and Canada, and before you ask: No, I don't do dinosaurs. I live in Seattle but I'm gone for months at a time, so I stay away from keeping any pets and plants." His friends laughed.
"Okay, so Mike digs around in the dirt for a living. Larry?"
Lawrence "Chunk" Cohen took his turn. "You all know that Sloth came to live with my family after we found him" he started. The thin man looked out the window at the "Big Mouth's Diner - closed for private event" sign alongside the highway. "And he stayed with us after the trial when his mom and brothers went to prison. Then they died in that escape attempt..."
"Someone decided to throw mama from the train" Stef chipped in.
"...and after that we were the only family he had. I used to keep him entertained by telling him some of the stories I used to make up when I was younger. After a few years he started getting really sick and they had to put him in a mental health facility; at the same time I figured that I better get in better shape. But I decided to tell our story and wrote a book about our adventure that got published before he died, and since then I've been a writer; mostly fiction for magazines and anthologies. I did manage to snag a girlfriend, which brings us to Stef" he said, looking down on the woman sitting beside him.
"The chair recognizes Stef. I don't know how you managed to steal her from me Larry, but I hope she lets you get in a word edgewise." They laughed.
"Clark's just jealous because he had competition that kept him from monopolizing the conversation" Stef started. "Any conversation. He's not such a bad guy now that he's grown up some, but I think we're too much alike. We dated off and on for a few years but it never totally clicked. As you all know, I thought for a time I might want to be a veterinarian, but Sloth fascinated me. Not in a scary, peeking out from under the covers way but I wanted to know how he saw the world. I know that sounds strange, but it got me thinking about mental health. Of course when I hung around Sloth I was around Larry too, and when I got to know him better I liked him as a person."
"Just another mental case to her" Larry said, laughing.
"We all are one way or the other" Stef continued. "But I started volunteering at the mental health ward at the hospital and got enrolled in school to become a case worker; now it's my career. That and trying to fix Larry." She reached down and kissed the top of his head.
"Okay, Stef has her work at home project" Clark said. "Richard?"
Richard "Data" Wang stood. "Let me start out by saying if wasn't for that Star Trek series, I'd still go by 'Data'. But you know me; I was always interested in gadgets because I thought someday I might be a spy. Well, I liked tinkering so much that I went to school to become an engineer. I also started programming on the side, and next thing I knew Microsoft snagged me and whisked me up to Redmond where I'm working on top secret projects. I can tell you what they are, but then I'd have to kill you." They laughed. "But I can tell you this," he said in a mock whisper after looking left and right "I really am a spy, and when we're done I'm reporting you all...to my wife!"
"Riiiiiight" Clark said, drawing out the word. "So now we're all officially gagged by the national Security and Secrets act. Andy, you're the last one up."
"Well, I'll have to report for two. Brandon says he's here in spirit, if not in person. While he's been in the army he's traveled around quite a bit; officially he's the Goonie that's seen the most of the world. He's still not sure if he's leaving after he gets his twenty years, but he's thinking about it. Pretty strange that the kid that flunked his driver's test for his license now drives troop transports. As for me, we couldn't afford to move me each time he got stationed somewhere so I stayed here and got a teaching credential. Now I teach a new generation of Goonies in Astoria. But I'm not the last one to take a turn, Clark; you've managed to avoid talking about yourself. I think we should call the Guinness people."
Clark took a big bow. "As your host, allow me to say welcome to my humble diner, where we have not only the finest chili on the Oregon coast but a great banquet room that doubles as a Kung Fu tournament hall every third Tuesday of the month, karaoke on Fridays and the occasional school dance. Here in the beautiful town of Seaside, we're just a stone's throw away from the last known location of the notorious pirate One-Eyed Willy. Situated along the scenic Oregon Coast Highway, we've been providing passersby with classic American cuisine for the past six years, and a secret Tex-Mix menu only available by password. My son Tommy, aged two, runs the place on the weekend while I'm gone." The friends laughed. "Okay, the only thing he runs right now is into furniture, but you can't start them too young. That finishes the introductions and the 'where are they now' requirement; if there are no objections, I move we officially adjourn and eat from the lunch buffet. No alcohol has been provided, but if you want to drink something strong I can provide a bottle of vinegar."
He paused and waited, but there were no objections. "So moved. Help yourselves, we've got all day to enjoy." The occupants of the room rose and began milling about as they lined up to get their lunches.
...
Later, with scattered plates and glasses on various tables, the friends were talking old times and recent events when Clark snuck over to his jukebox and pushed a combination of buttons. The music started blasting a karaoke version of "Down in the Boondocks" as he jumped to the center of the room and began to sing:
Down in the Goondocks
Down in the Goondocks
People put us down
'cause that's the side of town
That we lived in
I love fun, it's part of me
But I don't fit their society
Lord have mercy for a kid
From down in the Goondocks
After most joined in the chorus, the song fell apart quickly amid laughter and jeering. They gathered themselves into a circle and continued with stories until Andy announced she had a truth.
"Well, it may be obvious, but you can say most of us are here today because of our One-Eyed Willy adventure" she stated.
"How's that? Because that little bit of treasure I brought back saved our houses?"asked Mike.
"That's part of it, but it goes further. Think about it; what we do today is shaped by what happened then. For me, I got to know Brandon and that turned into our getting married. I probably would have ended up with Troy playing tennis somewhere if I hadn't gone down into those tunnels." She made a disgusting face at the thought of Troy. "Mike, you say that you followed in your dad's footsteps. But would you have done that if your search for Willy hadn't brought history alive for you?"
"Maybe not," Mike admitted "I know the thrill of the chase stays with me to this day. And my asthma got a lot better afterward too; or at least I didn't worry about it so much."
"Maybe you'd have a girl by now" Clark chided.
"Don't count me out yet, Louis Leakey found love while he was digging."
"Yeah, he fell in love with Lucy while he was taking a leaky." Clark still had a tendency to go for the occasional bodily fluid-based joke.
Andy broke up the repartee. "And Larry, you wouldn't have met Sloth. You'd probably still be harassing the sheriff with your wild stories instead of writing for a living."
"The sheriff retired, but I think I could work up the new one pretty fast. Sheriff Donner has no idea" Larry grinned.
"And Stef, same thing. Without Sloth, you wouldn't have gotten so mental" Andy kidded.
"She's always been mental" Clark added.
"As long as I've known her anyway" said Richard.
"Thanks guys, I really appreciate the support!" Stef yelled in jest. "But really, yeah, like I'd probably be spaying and neutering your pets right now if Andy and I hadn't become honorary Goonies."
"Honorary nothing" Mike corrected. "We couldn't have done it without your help. You took the oath afterwards, so you're full members with all associated privileges. Which means we all have to help Clark clean up afterward."
"Don't worry about it, I got people" Clark assured them.
"Anyway, I suppose Richard was the least affected. You were a gadget man even before we went after Willy."
"Gadgets, yes. But I just tinkered. Thanks to being able to stay here in our house, I was able to become an engineer at college instead of slaving away in the back of a fix-it shop in Detroit." His show of disgust was a twin of Andy's for Troy, ironic considering it was also a city in Michigan.
"So I guess that just leaves Clark as being unaffected" Andy surmised.
"You wound me" Clark said, feigning great hurt. "How could a sensitive soul such as myself not be changed by those events?" A few quickly thrown bread rolls from various seats almost reached him before he ducked successfully. "Okay, okay. But my Spanish got better, verdad?"
"Not if you ask Rosalita" Mike mused. Rosalita was hired to help the Walsh family clean and move before their house was ultimately saved. She ended coming in part time to help anyway, even after being scared by Clark's intentional misinterpretation of Mrs. Walsh's directions when she first arrived without a command of English.
"That was just a joke! But if it affected everyone so much, do any of you have a copy of the map still?" Clark asked.
The group gave a resounding 'no' except for Mike, who replied "My mom threw mine out."
"Well fellow Goonies," Clark called over his shoulder as he disappeared into a back room "behold!" He reappeared carrying a large frame about four feet square. He held it up for everyone to see.
"What, the back of a picture?" asked Richard.
"Oops, sorry" Clark said as he turned it around.
The group let out a collective gasp as he held the unmistakable image of the treasure map that led them on their adventure, larger than life. "I had it blown up from a copy I had years ago" he explained. "I figured I might put it on one of my walls here, so it's been in my office." He set it down on a table and they gathered around it, reliving their experience.
"To think that people looked at this map for years and didn't figure it out" Mike said. "Except for Chester, that is. He figured it out enough to get as far as he did before that boulder trap got him. Good thing someone escaped from Willy's original crew with the map or otherwise we never would have found him. "
They traced their route from Astoria to the restaurant on the map where they met the Fratellis. "Just where did they find the original map anyway?" asked Larry.
"I looked it up years later" said Mike as he slipped into lecture mode. "One-Eyed Willy was a court jester to the Spanish court and went by the name William B. Pordobel. They threw him out for his practical jokes, and he committed revenge by becoming a pirate and looting Spanish ships. He had a navigator by the name of Juan Tiempo de Vida who was also the cartographer. They found the map in a crumbling chest, sitting beside a few skeletal remains in a cave up on Saddle Mountain east of here. It's assumed he was the one that got out with the map."
"Where did you say?" Clark asked, suddenly very curious.
"Saddle Mountain. It's in a designated state natural area, up Highway 26 from here."
"That's it!" Clark exclaimed. He searched over the map until he found the spot he was looking for. "I saw this on the map when we were exploring, but it didn't make any sense to me at the time so I forgot about it. Here" he pointed to some writing off to the right side "let me translate: From alto in my saddle I watch over Willy and the treasure restante."
"I know alto means 'high'," Andy asked "but what does restante mean?"
"It means rest."
"You mean he was resting in the saddle?" Stef asked.
"No," Clark said "not rest like sleep; rest like remaining. It says he was watching over the remaining treasure from high in his saddle. So he was where he'd be able to see if Willy ever came after him, or took off with the ship again. Like a lookout, almost."
"Smart guy" Richard remarked. "He knew how to watch his b…wait. Guys, give me a moment…I'm going to throw a math question at you. Ten minus two equals eight. With me so far?"
"Yeah" they variously agreed.
"Okay. Ten is your starting quantity. Two is how much you're taking away. What is eight?"
"The answer" said Clark.
"Yes, but couldn't you say that's what remains?" Clark emphasized.
It didn't dawn on anyone else at first, but then a few slowly got it until only Larry was left. "I guess I never was really good at math."
"That's okay Larry, you're good with words. My point is, to have a remainder something had to be taken away. Who would know about that except the one who did it. The one who drew a map. The one that was hanging out in a cave on a mountain."
"de Vida!" Larry said, getting it now. "He didn't just have the map, he had treasure too."
"Goonies," Mike announced, raising his hand "I propose we take a little field trip up to Saddle Mountain. In less than an hour we can be there, and we can take a casual look around the place. A little anniversary hike for some friends. What do you say?"
Almost as one they shouted "Goonies!"
…
A short time later found them parked in the visitors' lot of Saddle Mountain. From his trunk Mike produced a small pack with various tools of his trade, which he slung over his shoulder. Everyone else wore comfortable clothes and shoes, and carried water bottles courtesy of Clark. Before reaching the trailhead, they encountered a ranger.
"Nice day for a hike, no storms around. Doing any camping?"
Andy thought quickly. "No," she said "my friends and I are checking out a possible field trip for my class at Astoria Elementary."
"Astoria Elementary?" asked the ranger. "Do you know John Kimble?"
"Sure, him and his wife Joyce" Andy said. "They're great people; I'll probably teach their daughter when she gets old enough."
"My son was in his class; he is quite the teacher. Tell him Mac Thorton said hello. I recommend the Humbug trail for your kids since it's not too taxing."
"I'll tell him; it's only another two weeks before break is over. Have a good day!" Andy rejoined the group and they set off up the trail.
Near the top Clark finally caught up with the rest of the group. "Yeah, I gave up smoking last year but I still haven't got my lungs back yet" he said. "Okay, now what?"
"The viewing platform is just over 3000 feet up, but we're not going that far so you don't have to worry. The cave is just off to the left up here; I'll lead the way. Just make sure you have that copy of the map, Clark."
"The map? Oh no!" Clark said as he patted himself down. A few started groaning at the oversight. "Just kidding" he joked as he pulled out a paper from his inner jacket pocket.
After Clark rested a few minutes, they made their way to the small path that was the way to the cave. They filed down the path a short distance until they pulled up at the entrance, a jagged opening that was hidden from view of the trail. Mike removed his pack and rummaged around inside, finding two headlamps. He kept one and gave the other to Stef. Clark and Richard had their own they had brought along. They moved into the cave, making sure nothing was alive inside of the area. No bats or wild animals greeted them, much to their relief.
They examined the inside of the cave, along the perimeter from one side of the opening, around the room that was the cave and back to the opening again. Nothing seemed anything but a normal cave.
"Okay Clark, you forgot about that description from before. Is there anything else on the map you missed?" Mike asked.
"I don't think so, but let me take it out into the good light to see for sure." He moved outside of the entrance and studied the map minutely. "There is something else here along the top. It's pretty faint, but it says…" he struggled to read it. "It says: Orion's belt holds the treasure pouch."
"Would a belt last this long?" Stef asked.
"The map lasted that long, a belt might too. But I never saw any mention of a belt in my research" Mike sighed.
"If de Vida was a navigator, he would be referring to the constellation" Richard announced. "But depending on the time of year, you can't even see Orion and it doesn't stay in one place in the sky."
Larry had borrowed Stef's light, and was playing it around the cave. He swung it up, then down, then up again a few times at different angles. "Hey, what does Orion look like anyway? Does it look like the lights on the ceiling?"
The others looked up. There weren't any lights on the ceiling, but when the light played at a certain angle a few specks in the rock sparkled to form several constellations; among them was Orion. The three 'stars' that made up the belt pointed crudely to one wall. They brought all lights to shine on the area, and Mike ran his fingers over the wall with an expert touch. Near the floor he noticed something different.
"I think I found something" he said as he rechecked the area. "There is a really thin crack that leads around in a rough arc against the floor. I think it might be a stone that can be removed. Shine one of those lights while I look in my pack." He searched inside and found what he was looking for, a thin prying tool. He then slowly worked his way around the crack, teasing the stone to separate. He finally managed to pull it out enough that fingers could grasp the edge, and they worked the stone loose until it pulled straight out. It was obvious that the rear of the stone had been chipped away, creating a hollow area inside much like a safe, about a cubic foot in size.
Mike shined a light into the hole and it reflected and refracted into a rainbow. "Be careful Mike" Andy warned.
"Don't worry, Willy was the trap maker of the Inferno." He gritted his teeth and reached into the hole, hoping he was right. He pulled his hand out, and various gems and jewelry greeted their eyes, glimmering in the light of the headlamps. He reached back in and pulled the remaining treasure out; it was twice the haul his marble bag had brought out on their first adventure.
"Incredible", "They're beautiful", "We are so rich", and "Wow" were some of the immediate responses.
"What I want to know is this: who owns it now that we found it?" Clark questioned.
"According to international maritime salvage law," Richard recited "the rights to a salvage vessel and its contents go to the person or persons who first successfully brings something off the vessel in question."
"Mike was given the rights for the Inferno by the court" Stef said "since he was the person of record to recover something off the ship. But now we know that this de Vida pirate took them off the ship before Mike."
"Yes, but he had no heir and the court would probably find that they were lost again" Richard continued. "Our claim still stands."
"We have to report it anyway" Mike determined. "It's the right thing to do. Let me get my camera and we'll document what we did and what we found. Even if we don't end up getting everything, I think we're going to have a hefty finder's fee coming our way. All for one and one for all; we'll split whatever we get. Let's get moving before it starts getting too late; these batteries won't hold out forever."
The End
A/N: The language was a little rough at times, but the movie was basically Indiana Jones for kids. This story answers the question regarding how the map got from Willy to the Goonies.
The reference to John and Joyce Kimble is from the movie Kindergarten Cop, filmed in Astoria too.
But what about the Inferno that sailed away at the end of the movie? I have an idea for that too...when they get together the following summer.