Disclaimer: I don't own Firefly

All We Have

The anger. The yelling. It's all we have.

As painful as it is, as hard as it is, it's all we can give to one another. Our fights are a dance. The words we cut each other down with are our affections. Like knives they pierce our hearts, leave us broken and crying; but we always come crawling back.

Because it is all we have.

This interaction, it's better than no interaction; and the minute we move beyond this, the moment we admit what we feel, we will be over.

I can't say I love him, I'm not allowed. Companions are trained to guard against such foolish things as "love" and "romance," and I never thought I'd have to worry about my emotions. But Mal, he breaks my masks, all of my training flies out the window when I'm with him; and it's all I can do to remain professional.

I falter around him, I'm unsure of myself. I feel my graceful steps falling heavily on Serenity's floors when I race after him to prove a point, or when he races after me for the same purpose. I feel so lost with him. I don't understand him, I can't.

There're so many faces, so many sides to Malcolm Reynolds, that I'm never sure who I'm talking to. Sometimes he's a soldier, sometimes a businessman, sometimes a friend, sometimes a father. He changes so quickly, so readily, I'm not even sure he knows who he is.

And when I'm with him, I can't maintain my composure. I've nearly slipped so often, I've found that I have to yell. I have to get angry.

It's all I have. All I'm allowed to have.

"But you fog things up. You always have. You spin me about. I wish to hell you was elsewhere."

"I was."

I don't understand 'Nara. She don't belong on a boat like Serenity. She's a professional, an honest worker. What she's doin' on a ship like mine I ain't sure, but I'll never be the one to ask. I want her to stay, though I ain't gonna be the one to tell her that.

She makes everything I do that much harder. Every decision I make, she's there to argue against it, and so much as I yell back I need that argument. Makes me think things through more, makes me sure that what I'm doin' is right.

That's why those months without her were so hard.

But then, sometimes, it's even harder when she's here.

I can't say what I want to say to her. Not 'cause of my pride or nothing, it's just that I know what kind of position that'd put her in. Companions ain't supposed to fall in love. Romance ain't got anything to do with that line of work.

So we argue. We yell. That's how we show our affection. Rest of the crew don't see it that way, 'specially Kaylee, but that's what we have.

Arguing's our way of saying what can't be said.

It's all we have.