Pushing Me Away
It used to be so different to how it is now. Before Helen ruined it all. Before she came back telling me she did care about me and that she hadn't meant to hurt me. The thing I hate most about it is I want to believe her, because no one else seems to care that much anymore.
Nick comes back and starts raving about a Claudia Brown none of us have heard of before, and then starts calling Jenny Claudia. It's not like him; something happened in that anomaly. Now it means that all the friendship we ever had just seems to have disappeared, faded into the past. Because Helen couldn't stand the fact that I'd moved on and found someone to replace her. Because I'd finally realised that I didn't love her as I thought I did, that I never really did.
Helen managed to ruin any chance I had of a relationship with Abby. She won't even look me in the eye any more. The easiness and flirting has disappeared, it's as if we've only ever been work colleagues that don't care about each other except in a professional sense. It's killing me. I struggled for so long to keep my emotions in check, so I wouldn't make the same mistake with her I did with Helen. All because I was scared of getting hurt again. Fat lot of good that did. It just ruined everything we ever had. If anything it's her friendship that I miss most about our relationship. She 's always ready to make someone smile, make them feel better but she won't bother with me anymore. So now I've lost everything I ever dreamed of having with her. Why can't she just let me talk to her to make her understand what I was going through when it happened? Why can't she let me explain? Why does she have to be so cold?
Connor seems to be about the only one who seems to be trying to keep a kind of friendship going. We'd always been a bit like brothers, he seemed to take the place of the younger brother I never had. Yeah he could annoy the hell out of me at times, but he also made me laugh at times. Connor always seemed to care about you in his own geeky way, made you feel at ease despite being a prat. He's a bit like I used to be... before I met Helen... I wanted him to keep the idealism I had to lose. I wanted to help him keep that slight immaturity that made me laugh, though I'd never admit it to him.
I wonder if I could ever regain the friendship I had with Nick? He'd never let me explain to him what happened, I know he wouldn't want to hear it and I don't want to force him to listen. I don't want to hurt him like that. He became like the father I wanted to have, the father who'd listen to me and help me, support me but not living my life for me. I was shunted from one adoptive family to another for a while before someone kept hold of me for longer than a few months. I thought they cared but it seemed they just felt sorry for me. Is that how Nick feels? Sorry for me, or is just because he feels a sense of duty to keep me on the project? When he and Connor pulled me back through the anomaly when the raptor had hold of me I thought that maybe, just maybe, we'd be alright in the end. That maybe we could work it out and have the friendship we used to have again. But that hope faded when I realised things seemed to be irretrievable between us.
So when everyone seems to be ostracising me from the group Helen decides to reappear and agrees with all the theories I have about the anomalies and, even though I really don't want to, I find myself believing that she cares about me again. I don't want to completely ruin everything between me and the team but it feels as if, no matter how hard I try, I can't do anything right any more. That everything I do is being scrutinised by everyone. That no one trusts me anymore.
I hate the fact I'm being pushed away the harder I try to rekindle relationships. I hate the fact they hate me.
A/N: Yeah I know it's really depressing but I was in a feeling sorry for Stephen mood so I thought I'd write what I thought his feelings would be on the team and the way they're treating him at the moment. I just want to give him a big hug. Poor thing... and Helen's going back to him again and trying to take him away from the team and making it harder for him to make them trust him again. Damn woman why can't she leave our hot guy alone?
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Ciao for now
Starsword