The Quarterback…just, wow. I watched it today when I got home from school and I was just not emotionally prepared for that episode, Rachel's part especially. The whole thing just hurt. And then Rachel called Finn her person and I just got all these Grey's Anatomy feels and…the whole episode was just so painful.
This is a one-shot that takes place after the episode, that really just centers on Rachel's line saying Finn is her person. It's mostly Rachel, Kurt and Santana's friendship, with obviously lots of Finchel mentions, and Dani's in it but I kept her part minimal since I didn't watch the first two episodes. And there a lot, and I mean a lot of Grey's Anatomy references, and some spoilers. You'll probably still understand if you don't watch but just know you might be spoiled.
(Oh, and I actually wrote most of this before I watched the episode, because I saw the person line when I checked my Tumblr app this morning, so the Letterman jacket is in this, even though technically Mr. Schue has it. I like what it added to the story too much to take it out.)
Disclaimer: Basically, if you recognize it from somewhere else, it's not mine.
In the days after Finn's memorial, she is practically a zombie. She sits silently on the floor of her bedroom, big purple bags under her eyes because she can't sleep, only emerging from her hideout to go to the bathroom, and get food when the hunger pains become unbearable. She doesn't speak to Kurt or Santana. She is a zombie, tiredly walking from her room to the kitchen to the bathroom, unspeaking, dead inside.
It's day four of Rachel the Zombie when someone finally opens the door to her room. She's too sad and tired to yell at whoever it is to go away, and in fact she doesn't even realize she's not alone anymore until Kurt kneels down in front of her, handing her something brown and hot and in a mug, and wrapping something else around her shoulders. She doesn't have to look up to know it's Finn's Letterman jacket. It's soft and oversized on her, and it smells like Finn. So Rachel just stares blankly at the cup, warm in between her hands.
"It's tea," Kurt explains. Rachel's eyes turn towards him as he sits crisscross apple sauce in front of her. She doesn't speak as she sips the tea. It's sweet, with extra sugar and no milk since she's a vegan. Kurt did a good job.
"I miss Finn," Kurt blurts out, bringing Rachel's thoughts back to the reason she's sitting on her bedroom floor, and they lock eyes.
Rachel swallows her tea, and it burns on the way down, since she didn't bother to blow on it. "I miss him too." She says, even though that doesn't even begin to describe it. It's the first thing she's said in days.
"I don't know what to do in a world without my brother…" Kurt says, and Rachel notices for the first time how red his eyes are. He hasn't even bothered to hide it. He's been crying too.
"I'm sorry." Rachel tells him.
Kurt looks at her. "Shouldn't I be saying that to you?"
For a moment, they sit in silence. The only noise is the cars and people and buses outside Rachel's window. She doesn't get how the world can keep moving when it's lost such a great man.
"You said…" Kurt begins. "Back in Ohio…that Finn was your person. And…I know I can never replace Finn. I don't want to replace Finn. But, I want to be one of your people."
Rachel looks at him, teary eyed. Kurt reaches over and gently squeezes the hand that isn't holding her tea. "I don't want to forget Finn. I know it sounds crazy but…" She trails off. "Sometimes I worry."
Kurt thinks silently. "Think of it this way," He says. "Meredith and Cristina are each other's person – it doesn't mean they love Derek and Owen any less. You and I are like Meredith and Cristina." He pauses, before adding: "I'll even let you be Ellen Pompeo, if you want. Even though I'm clearly the better choice. No offense."
Rachel laughs. It's dry and hollow, but nonetheless, she laughs. It's the first time she's laughed since Finn died. "It's okay." She says. "Cristina's career driven. I respect that."
Kurt smiles and then, Rachel does too. From the doorway, someone clears their throat, and Kurt and Rachel look to Santana. Her mascara is slightly smudged in places, but she gives them a half smile. Dani is a few feet behind her, there but giving them some slight space. "Hey," Santana says, walking towards them. "Can I be Callie?"
Rachel and Kurt exchange a look, as if silently discussing her role. "You can be Alex." Kurt finally declares.
"Me?" Santana asks, laughing and raising one perfectly manicured eyebrow as she sits down next to them. "Really?"
"Yeah. Cause you were a bitch who slept around when we met you but we eventually realized you were just misunderstood." Surprisingly, the joke comes from Rachel, and they all laugh, knowing it's true.
"As long as I can be Izzie!" Dani chimes in from the doorway.
"You'd make a better Jo." Rachel decides. "Izzie leaves. And gets cancer."
"Plus Jo has a boy name, like you." Santana chimes in, and she and Dani laugh. Rachel figures there's some kind of personal joke there, and so she doesn't comment.
"I'll take it," Dani says, and she joins them on the floor.
For a moment, they sit in silence, and then the mood shifts. Santana gets this look in her eye, like she's thinking about something painful. "Brittany," She says, and Rachel and Kurt's heads snap up to look at her. "Brittany was Izzie." Santana swallows the lump in her throat, and takes the hand that Dani offers.
"I miss Blaine," Kurt confesses. "As lame as it is…Blaine's my McDreamy." He twirls his engagement ring around on his finger as he thinks.
At first, Rachel doesn't say anything. She knows that this is the part where she makes some big, sad confession about Finn, and she can't stop thinking about him. "Finn used to let me watch Grey's Anatomy in front of him." She says, the memories replaying in her head. "After every episode we watched together I would thank him by kissing him and telling him he was my person. He said he only watched for me but every once in a while I'd look over at him and…I think he enjoyed it, just a little bit."
Kurt chuckles lowly. "We trained him well."
Silence settles around them again, as they all think about the things they've lost. "We'll get through this," Santana says. "Alex, he worked through all of the stuff with his family, and Izzie, and all the other shit that happened to him, and now he has Jo." Dani squeezed her hand, and Santana smiled at her, before turning to Kurt. "Meredith and Derek have been through so much crap, but they survived. They're soulmates, they're meant to be together. At the end of the day it all works out for them." Kurt smiles, tears in his eyes. "And Cristina –" Santana turns to Rachel, staring at her for a moment before she finishes. "Well, she's Cristina."
Rachel wipes the tears away from her eyes. She knows Santana's not talking about characters anymore. She's Rachel Berry – she's strong, somehow she'll make it through. "You know," Kurt says. "I think I have the series on DVD."
Dani lights up. "Marathon!"
Everyone looks to Rachel for her reaction, and she nods. "Go," She tells them. "I'll catch up with you guys."
Santana and Dani exit the room, holding hands, while Kurt stands up, but hesitates. "I'm fine," Rachel says, and then she sighs a little. "Thank you, Kurt. Thank you for being one of my people." Kurt smiles and leaves the room, before calling out to Santana and Dani about how they have to watch the musical episode because the four of them could probably do a mean "How to Save a Life".
Rachel watches them cluster around the DVD player. She still hurts, so much. She doesn't think it will ever completely go away. She will miss Finn for the rest of her life. But, she has her people. And she's glad.
She rises, and Finn's Letterman jacket falls off of her shoulders. For a moment, her heart sinks. Then, she takes a deep breath, and thinks not of what she lost, but what she still has. And without a word, or a cry, she picks it up, and moves on.