A/N: In lieu of my brother (Critt Bombney) posting his Christmas spoof, I wrote a terrible one myself! Try not to have your eyes burn! I'll warn you this may not make sense if you've never played the game, which is a good portion of users in this section I reckon.

Sorry the verses aren't spaced, FF takes them away.

Disclaimer: This is FAN fiction, why would I be claiming ownership?

x x x

Every merc in TF2 liked playing a lot

But the BLU Spy, who lived due east of 2fort

DID NOT.

The Spy hated TF2! The dumb userbase!

It made him lose faith in the whole human race.

Perhaps his Unusual gave him the right

After all, the green sparklies made him look tight.

But I think, to be honest, it wasn't his hat

He just hated noobs, and who blames him for that?

But whatever the reason, his hat or his skillz,

He joined a Valve server to get lots of free kills.

He camped in a corner (he had Cloak & Dagger)

Mocking the F2Ps with a swagger.

For he knew every server was full of the fags

Pissing him off with their speedhax and lags.

"It just keeps getting worse!" he CAPSLOCKED into allchat.

"Tryhards everywhere in ugly lime hats!"

So he swore, about when the teams started stacking

"I MUST drive them off, they're practically hacking!"

For tomorrow he knew…

All the clan tryhard noobs

Would all go pubstomping (after spraying some boobs).

And then they'd get on mic and make NOISE NOISE NOISE NOISE!

He'd rush to go mute all that NOISE NOISE NOISE NOISE!

Then the scrub brony furries would start spamming chat!

And they'd spam and they'd spam!

And they'd SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM!

They would start spouting memes, and say them all wrong,

It would go on forever, perhaps twice as long.

And then they'd do something that made the Spy gag.

Every TF2 cockfag would question his swag!

They'd talk lots of shit with their text full of glee,

And one would quite think they were so MLG.

They'd taunt! And they'd taunt!

And they'd TAUNT TAUNT TAUNT TAUNT!

And the more the Spy thought of the nooby bullshit,

The more the Spy thought, "I must stop them quick!"

"Since F2P update I've put up with it!"

"I must troll them hard!"

"But how?"

Then he got an idea!

An AWFUL idea.

THE SPY GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" the Spy laughed like a dick.

And he used his disguises to make his gut thick.

And he giggled and snorted and said "Gentlemen,

Don't I look totally just like Gaben?"

"All I need is some devs…"

The Spy scoffed like a snob.

His friends were too socially ept for the job.

Did that stop the old Spy?

Nope, he had thought ahead.

"If I don't know a nerd, I can make one instead!"

So he called over Scout and gave him dork glasses,

Since he couldn't get laid he quite easily passes.

Then he launched TF2

And he snorted again

And he joined a Valve server

To pose as Gaben.

Now the server was full, and everyone giddy

They were busy with capping (RED team was real shitty).

Their lime-painted hats were being worn proudly

"I'll yoink those things first," he declared rather loudly.

So he crept up to Heavy, who was rather busy

And in a blink he had swiped it, it was too easy!

His bald head looked stupid without the Big Chief

When he noticed, surely he'd be filled with grief.

Then he went for the Medic, the poor old sap

And took his Bill's Hat while he rushed to the cap.

Then he went for the backpacks, full of their goodies

And took all their gibuses, paints, and swag hoodies.

Genuines! Stranges! Their keys and their metal!

He took all of it til his backpack was full

He left them with nothing except for stock crap

Then he brought up the menu as quick as a snap.

As the Spy went to exit, his shoulder was tapped.

He jumped like an Engie whose sentry got sapped.

Then he heard a loud sound that made his breath hitch,

'Cause there stood RED Scout, and he hated that bitch.

The Spy had been caught by the not-too-swift dumbass

Who'd been dominated and went to change class.

He stared at the Spy and said "WHAT IN DA FUCK?

GABEN, WHY ARE YOU TAKIN' OUR STUFF?"

But you know, given Spy's devious past

He knew a good lie that would shut up Scout fast.

"Dear boy, I'm not stealing!" said the phony Gaben

"These items are glitched and we're going to fix 'em!"

"I'll take them to Valve and we'll make them work right."

"And you'll have your hat back by the end of the night!"

And Scout bought the lie, as his eyes filled with tears

In Valve time, one night would be fifty-two years.

So Spy gave him a key to keep the boy quiet

If he told the whole server, there'd be quite a riot.

The last thing he took

Was the admin's Unusual,

Without his green sparklies, he couldn't look cool.

But even without it he'd still be a tool.

And one measly item

That he left them with then

Was a shitty old crate that no one would open

Then he did it some more

No server was spared

Leaving crates no one opened since nobody dared.

It was a quarter to two,

All the captures were won

All the players were quiet

When the Spy was all done.

He had all the items! The weapons and hats!

All the miniguns! Shakos! The axes and bats!

He went to the menu to his backpack page

Now he'd delete it all and make everyone rage!

"Fuck all the noobs!" he told his dev Scout

"They're finding out now that no update is out!"

"Their items aren't back! I'll know just what they'll do"

"They'll go into chat in a minute or two"

"All the noobs and the tryhards will all cry BOO HOO!"

"That's some lols," laughed the Spy

"That I simply must see!"

So he stayed there even though he had to pee.

And he did hear a sound coming through the Steam Cloud,

It started in low…then it got pretty loud.

But the sound wasn't butthurt!

Why, this sound sounded merry!

It couldn't be so!

But it WAS merry! VERY!

He looked at the players

The Spy rubbed his eyes!

Then he shook really hard!

And it broke his disguise.

Every noob in the game, the small and the tall,

Was playing vanilla! No add-ons at all!

He HADN'T ruined the game!

They still played!

Somehow or other they played all the same!

And the Spy with all of his jimmies a-rustle

Stood thinking and raging, "All the servers are FULL!"

"They're playing without stranges! No paint or backburner!"

"And none of the Scouts even have a Fast Learner!"

And he puzzled and thought til his brain kinda hurt.

Then he came up with something that made him feel smart.

"Maybe TF2 is a game that's meant to be played."

"Maybe hats aren't the reason Valve had this game made."

And what happened then...?

Well...on forums they say

That the Spy's elitist heart

Grew three sizes that day!

And the minute he felt like less of a dick.

He gave back the items, and all of that shit.

AND he, HE HIMSELF, THE SPY

Made his hat lime green.

A/N: Do you have AIDS now? Good.

Holla at yer girl!