Do I Really Belong Here? (SAINW Mike x Donnie)
The frost nipped at the tip of his beak while his deep brown eyes rose up towards the sky, hypnotized by the dancing snowflakes falling towards him.
His hand slowly shifted towards the top button of his coat which was left open before he froze, feeling something soft and warm ghost his hand before assisting him.
It was soothing and smelled like sunshine; only one turtle had such a scent, which is part of the reason he referred him to the cheerful one… well once upon a time that is.
The orange bandana flapped gently in the small breeze that cast off the frozen pond, making Donnie blink at how much shorter it was than usual.
With age, Mike shortened his bandana though no one knew why. It was probably to show how he has grown, announcing the change in him.
There were plenty of features to the turtle who showed age and maturity, from those baby blue eyes that exhibited his wisdom to his well-built frame.
Then there was the one thing Donnie always felt awkward to the point he didn't dare to stare at... Mike's left arm was gone.
How it happened Donnie never did find out, only having been told the same thing repeatedly; he shouldn't dwell over it.
"Donnie you've been out here for a very long time; you'll catch a cold," Mike pointed out, buttoning Donnie's coat. He placed a smile on his lips, receiving one in return.
"Sorry Mike, I was merely thinking," Donnie said wearily, drifting off again.
"Oh… I'm sorry you can't go back to your time or dimension… whatever it is," Mike said sincerely wishing Donnie would just let it go already; there was so much more to this than this existence they were living so far.
Donnie could just stop worrying about what is not; stop thinking he must go back. Why couldn't he be happy with what he built here?
Hiding the small sigh in response to that comment, Donnie adjusted his jacket, once again feeling the cold settling in; evidence that his body temperature was dropping and it was best he get indoors.
Not wanting to hurt Mike's feelings, Donnie mustered his greatest smile before facing the elder turtle again.
The idea of having Mike older than him was a bit amusing and something to get used to.
He remembered back to when he wasn't the youngest, a time that in truth, he never really thought too much over. He had been older than Mike making Mike the baby in the family.
The five-foot-six turtle most definitely couldn't be classified as the baby of the family anymore. He was forty-nine and Donnie only just turned nineteen.
"I told you Mike, I'm fine. I just miss my brothers… Please understand, I care so much about them that I can't help wanting to figure out how to get back to them," Donnie stuttered, letting his voice drop near the end and avoiding the hurting blue eyes that fell upon him.
"I understand… but do you?" Mike asked, placing a hand on Donnie's head, getting an annoyed glare from the now shorter and younger turtle.
"Understand what?" Donnie growled, then bit his lip when he noticed he was losing his temper.
Sighing Mike removed his hand shrugging his shoulders before answering, "It's been a year, when will you move on?"
"Move on… to what…" Donnie asked coldly, watching a small snowflake fall into the palm of his hand. As soon as the flake touched his warm hand it melted, leaving a little tiny drop of water.
"Isn't that what you're supposed to figure out?" Mike turned around, he couldn't take it anymore. The idea of seeing Donnie this upset was heart breaking. He wanted so much to grab the turtle he thought of as a brother and embrace him, to show him the bubbling feelings that were rekindled since Donnie came back to him.
Deep down Mike knew that this Donnie wasn't his, even if he did give him butterflies in his stomach when he smiled or laughed. Sadly, in the end this Donnie didn't even consider him as his brother…
Not letting Donnie respond to his last comment, Mike left the distressed turtle alone with his thoughts once again.
"That's easier said than done. Can I really just give up?"
The cabin that Donnie now reluctantly called home was dead quiet once he reentered from being out in the winter wonderland twenty minutes later.
Only Mike and himself took residence in this abandoned home deep within the woods. Raph and Leo were not ready to live in each other's presence so they made the decision to stay in the city to help the ones that were left behind after Shedder's fall.
The city that was poisoned and desecrated by that lunatic wasn't a place Donnie could bear to stay in.
Every corner told a tale of violence, death and sorrow.
It was a pit of darkness; even with the Shredhead gone, that darkness was still thick and clawed at your light to snuff it out.
The longer he had to stay there, the more he felt he would have lost himself, becoming hard and bitter like these brother turtles had.
He didn't want this, didn't want such an ending or path to walk on.
This world had sunk its venomous fangs so deeply into the other brothers, that it had taken the past year of Donnie's efforts to soften Mike's shell. Unfortunately it was still too hard and it felt like he was living with a version of Mike from a nightmare.
The former trickster didn't really laugh much and his smile was very weak, almost as if he thought to attempt anything more, his face would shatter.
Donnie took his time taking his winter gear off, placing it on a hook near the fireplace in order for it to dry.
Rubbing his hands for warmth, his gaze slowly panned around the room before reaching the staircase, then his eyes followed them up to the balcony, stopping at Mike's closed door.
Was he upstairs?
Not that there were many places he could be. He wasn't in the living room with him and the kitchen was dead of activity, not to mention dark. The bathroom door was wide open with no visible light and the last place Mike could be was Donnie's room but that door too was shut.
Relishing the warmth of the fire that soothed him for a moment, Donnie then sighed before dragging his feet hesitantly towards the staircase. Maybe it would be a wise thing to check up on Mike.
The guy had sounded more depressed than usual outside, though him being caught up with his thoughts of home probably didn't help the orange clad turtle one bit.
What was Mike thinking all the time? Sure, Donnie thought about home from time to time, but he tried not to let it show too much if he could help it.
However, Mike was always staring at him with those eyes of his, like they were trying to see through his soul. Was it because he looked just like Mike's Donatello before he disappeared, is that why Mike did this?
Lost in thought, Donnie stopped suddenly, almost tripping over his two feet. He was trying to head to Mike's bedroom, yet almost passed right by it without realizing he was there.
A bit hesitant on how to start this, Donnie just stared at the wooden door. Should he just knock and call Mike's name?
To think that after a year he was still nervous about bothering the older turtle.
It was hard at times and he did truly want get used to living with Mike. However Donnie feared that if he did, it would also be the day he gave up hope in finding a way home. That was something he couldn't allow himself to do, not until he knew for sure it wasn't a possibility.
Taking a breath and holding it, he raised his hand up ready to knock, then stopped, hearing sobbing coming from beyond.
Baffled by this dilemma, Donnie tilted his head at the door curiously.
If Mike was crying, then why?
Feeling his hand shaking as it seemed to develop a mind of its own, it slowly opened the door ajar to give him the opportunity to take a peek within.
Part of him felt a bit guilty about this action, yet he felt compelled to; this was the first time he had ever even heard Mike cry. What could have upset him so much that he would start crying like this now?
His room was cast in darkness with little light coming from the open window, showing the snowfall was heavier than a few minutes ago.
The older turtle sat there on his bed with his shell to the door.
All Donnie could tell was that he was holding something.
The sobbing continued as Mike's hand shook out of control, which moved up his arm making his whole body tremble.
Suddenly Mike's hand fell to his side, revealing he was holding a picture?
The sounds of his crying hit Donnie like a hammer, pulling his heart strings to the pit of his stomach.
Seeing Mikey, even this version, so upset to the point of breaking down was devastating and all he wanted was to comfort him.
Opening the door slowly so it didn't creak and startle Mike, Donnie took his time reaching the side of the bed, seeing for himself the image the other turtle held.
It was old, taken some time ago.
The image was folded so many times it had permanent lines and some of it was corrupted by exposure to who knows what.
But that wasn't what bothered Donnie, no.
It was the image that was him, well not him exactly.
It was Mike's Donatello.
He looked just like him in every detail, it was uncanny. The image must have been taken sometime before that Donatello disappeared.
Then something hit him, making him come to the realization of why Mike acted odd around him. There was writing in the corner that was still legible; 'To Mike with all my love. You make my days worth living, thank you my love.'
"DONNIE!" Mike suddenly screeched once he became aware Donnie was standing there.
Startled by the response, Donnie jumped, taking a couple of steps away. He watched Mike fumble with the image, folding it in half and then glare up at the younger turtle angrily.
"What are you doing in here? Haven't you heard of knocking? You don't see me sneaking into your room unannounced!" Mike snapped his beak in frustration and embarrassment.
The guilt he felt at the door when he first entered came back in full swing as his face turned pale.
Before Donnie could respond or think of a way to say sorry to the orange clad turtle, Mike pointed to the door abruptly, "OUT!"
Not waiting for another demand to leave the room, Donnie ran out, heading to his own room. He had nowhere else to go and he knew from the fire in the older turtle's eyes that it wasn't wise to stay any longer; or be in his way afterwards.
(Roughly an hour later…)
He could only sit there with his shell against the wall holding his pillow firmly against his plastron.
Donnie felt consumed with his regret and guilt; he didn't mean to pry. He just wanted to help Mike.
"I'm such a fool…" Donnie whimpered. How could he merely enter the room like he did? Why didn't he think this through before invading the other turtle's space?
Donnie adjusted his butt on the soft, now warm bed and buried his beak into his pillow.
Back home he could always enter his Mikey's room when his younger brother was upset.
He didn't understand why he thought he could treat this Mike any different. He was Mike but not his Mikey.
A knock from the door shattered his train of miserable thoughts, alarming Donnie as he raised his head to see Mike standing there, holding the stump of the arm that was missing.
"May I come in? I would like to apologize for my outburst…" Mike asked with his head low, not daring to make eye contact.
Holding the pillow tighter Donnie nodded, then answered, "You can come in."
Shutting the door behind him, not that there was any point since there was no one else around, Donnie watched Mike take a seat on the side of his bed.
"I didn't mean to yell at you. I was just startled," Mike started, slowly placing his hand on his lap.
"I should be the one to say sorry; I didn't mean to intrude. I was just concerned when I heard you were upset. You had all rights to be mad at me for not knocking first, not letting you have your private space," Donnie answered, letting his chin lean against his pillow.
The room became silent. Neither turtle said a word, letting the moment freeze as it was.
Finally collecting his courage and not wanting this horrible silence to linger any longer, Donnie tilted his head towards Mike, "I really look like him don't I… Is that why you're so upset?"
"Yes… and…" Mike trailed off, closing his eyes. How was he supposed to tell Donnie? Did he have the right to even suggest such a thing?
"I see," Donnie mumbled, recalling the wording on the photo.
Mike and his brother had been lovers; something he never would have considered, yet he wasn't surprised.
If Mike had a similar relationship as he did with his brother, love could have been an outcome.
He and his Mikey were connected at the most part; they understood each other.
"And?" Donnie added almost forgetting Mike said 'and'.
"Why do you want to go home so badly? I mean, aren't you home?" Mike pointed out rubbing his thumb on his thigh.
"I…" Donnie slowly started, then paused, thinking about what was the right answer if he even had one, "I want to go home for I miss my brothers, and I worry about them. You lost your brother and look how it affected you; I can't bear the thought of that happening to mine too."
"Has it not already happened?"
"We both know this isn't my dimension Mike, that picture of him… proves it," Donnie answered, not sure if he should bring up the image.
"Tell me Donnie what if you can't? How long are you going to just sit there on your hands and wait?" Mike lost his temper getting to his feet quickly and swinging his remaining arm out.
Placing his pillow down hard Donnie leaned forward, growling under his breath, "As long as it takes! I can't just lose hope for I know they haven't Mike. I need to go home! I need to be back with my brothers!"
"WE ARE YOUR BROTHERS!" Mike spat grinding his teeth, "You proved that when you did a DNA test. We are blood related regardless if we are from another dimension or parallel universe! So stop saying you can't leave them when you're so willing to leave us again!"
"I never left you! It was him, your Donatello! He was the one that disappeared in the first place, I only was sent here by an enemy that wanted to split up my family, and he succeeded because I am stuck here!" Donnie got up onto his knees yet refused to get off the bed.
"So what?" Mike leaned forward almost touching beaks with Donnie, "You're here now and you just want to run away… He was the same way!"
"I don't know about your brother but I refuse to let mine turn out like you guys and suffer so much!" Donnie narrowed his eyes furiously.
"Damn it Donnie!" Mike huffed in anger, "We would suffer if we knew you left us! It would kill me to lose you yet again! Don't you god damn understand that?"
Not caring what lines were crossed, Mike pressed his lips firmly against Donnie's.
Startled that Mike would do that Donnie's eyes widened in disbelief. He was expecting Mike to hit him or something along those lines, anything but kiss him! Definitely not after their little spat.
Oddly, given how awkward the moment was, this didn't feel as disturbing as he thought it would be.
Ending the kiss, the orange clad turtle breathed in heavily. His scent was thick and so mixed up that Donnie wasn't sure what the older turtle was thinking.
Then it suddenly dawned on him, he himself didn't know what he was thinking, finding himself reacting to the unexpected kiss with one of his own…
Donnie kept his eyes closed, letting his brain play catch up with the rollercoaster of events that just passed by.
The older turtle's scent seeped and melded into his; his body was drained and weak, and Donnie could still taste him in his mouth.
Moaning, Donnie rolled over, finding the bed that had shared Mike's warm body was now empty.
When did Mike leave? On second thought, when did he fall asleep? Was it during his amazing experience with the older turtle or was it after the fireworks?
"You're awake, that's good," Mike smiled a pure, genuine smile; the likes Donnie thought would never be possible again.
In Mike's hand was two cups with something steaming from them.
Setting one cup on the nightstand Mike offered the other to Donnie. He breathed deeply, smelling the coffee aroma coming from it; something which he knew they only had a small supply of and therefore agreed to use only on special occasions.
Pressing his lips to the rim, Donnie couldn't help but to let out a loud moan of glee as the caffeinated drink warmed him head to toe.
"You're really cute when you drink coffee, Donnie," Mike chuckled, taking a seat beside the younger turtle.
"Sorry can't help it. Even if I don't get to drink as much as I used to, every time I do have a cup, it's like pure euphoria."
"I see… so what one do you prefer?" Mike took a sip of his hot chocolate with a devilish grin as Donnie almost choked on his coffee, turning beat red at the question.
Stuttering, the younger turtle tried to reply then stopped, feeling Mike warmly kiss him on the cheek. With that he calmed down, smiling at Mike.
"Both. Mike when we… you know... who were you thinking of?" Donnie asked, biting his lip and feeling the tightening knot in his stomach. What if that moment they were connected was only because he looked like Mike's Donatello? What if Mike did what he did just because he wanted to feel his brother again…
Roaring with a laughter that seemed to shake the room, Mike had to put his cup down before he spilled it over himself. His sides hurt from laughing even as tears ran down his face.
Startled by the outburst, Donnie's face flashed towards the turtle who almost fell off the bed with a laughter that reminded him of his younger brother.
This Mike was his brother? All this time he had been with the older turtle, not once had he ever really considered the idea that this guy was Mikey; his Mikey regardless of age, dimension or whatever it may be.
"Donnie," Mike snickered gasping for air, "my thoughts were of you and only you Donnie. I know I had feelings for the other Donatello; I did but," Mike took his hand, kissing it sweetly, "You're not him and I understand that. I see you when I look into your brown eyes, and you remind me what I had with the other one and how much I wanted to have that with you and more. You're perfect Donnie."
Donnie, hearing the charming words blushed. He placed his cup down on the other nightstand, coming closer to Mike and letting the older turtle embrace him as tears filled his eyes.
"Thank you Mikey… You're the only reason I don't feel so lonely. I'm lucky to have a brother like you."
Fin.