DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of this Doctor Who stuff, it's all belonged to the BBC since 1963, y'know, as much as I'd like to take credit for it! Oh, and thanks to Gareth Roberts for the story about Mitzi a couple of years back. I wrote this for a student publication, in a more than slightly tongue-in-cheek way, in about half an hour yesterday. Let me know what you think! Kx
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Septadecimber the Thrinth ,
Planet Fasciculus
Galaxy M-5964639
Dear Diary,
Hello! I'm the Doctor! (Weellll, I suppose you've got it by now, considering this is my seven-billionth entry...I don't know, how long does it take a diary to catch on?! Anyway.) You're not gonna be-LIEVE this one.
So there I was, landing the TARDIS, walking out the doors to see what brave new world I'd walked into...and I nearly stepped on a cat! A little tabby cat – and don't say "aww", please, 'cos they're a bloody nuisance, cats. They invent a new colour, call it frume, and think they're the centre of the universe! Gah. Also, when you meet cat nurses in uniform, it's disappointing and nowhere near as kinky as you'd think. But that's another story.
But there wasn't just one cat, there were hordes around me, all screeching away. Quite frankly, it was doing my head in. I whipped out my sonic screwdriver (the one in my pocket, I mean) and blasted them all with a sonic wave, which got their attention. Though not on purpose, mind you - I left it on vibrate from the other night – you know what it gets like when I don't have any companions...
Then I started one of my grand old speeches. After all, I'm just so BRILLIANT at them! I can talk about life and death, hope and fear, even satsumas and banana daiquiris and make it all, quite frankly, ridiculously profound, and fecking awesome. So I talked as I do best. I inspired them with tales of Mitzi, the first cat in hyperspace, for a good five minutes - I was quite pleased with myself.
But then of the cats spoke up (and funnily enough, he sounded just like Ray Winstone. Hyper-evolved cats are weird) and I realised I'd just squished the leader of their tribe with the TARDIS. Uh-oh.
So obviously, I went straight back inside my ship, and carried on travelling. After all, I'm a Time Lord, so I must have changed their future for the better. Sweet.
But seriously, after all that, the most amazing thing is...can you BELIEVE I left it on vibrate?!
That's all for now. Happy times and places!
You know you love me.
The Doctor xoxo