Disclaimer: Yami No Matsuei isn't mine, but Yoko Matsushita-sensei's. I
just adore Hisoka enough to write about him.
No more. I don't want this anymore.
Naritai. (I want to become.) By Miyamoto
Chapter 1 - Hope.
There was a case today. And a baby had died. I had put my hand over him thinking, "Maybe it's for the best."
His coldness made my hands want to bleed onto him. If only I could give you my life.
But in my heart, I was saying, "It isn't fair."
And all I could say was, "I'm sorry."
What was I saying sorry for? Nothing. It just felt appropriate.
The mother cried in my arms and all I could do was look at her and hug her with all that I could. I wanted to say, "At least he was human.and he was well loved."
Even for three days, he was well-loved.
When we left, Hisoka asked, "Want some ice cream?"
I laughed and smiled at him. "Sure, why not?"
It was his way of cheering me up: feeding me food. It never failed.
He always tries so hard. To make me happy, I mean.
I happily ate my ice cream as we walked down the street while heading back to the office.
"Just stop it," he said exasperated. It was in a tone higher than usual.
I had become accustomed to his monotonous voice telling me how he really felt inside. This one meant that he was frustrated with me. "Stop what?" I blinked my purple eyes at him.
"Come here." He pulled my sleeve as we entered one of the small, private conference rooms.
He pushed me to sit on the desk as he grabbed my body to hug me. "Stop it, Tsuzuki."
I couldn't see his face, but I could tell he was about to cry. I frowned.
I never can make you happy, can't I, Hisoka? Not with you always worrying even though you never say anything.
"I can't fool you, can't I, Hisoka?" I smiled wistfully.
"Of course you can't," he answered matter-of-factly.
I laughed. "I guess so."
"You looked at that child with eyes I've never seen before," he mumbled as his hands grabbed onto my trenchcoat.
I. I want you to understand. But I'm no good with explanations. They hurt so much, Hisoka.
"What were you thinking, Tsuzuki?" he asked me gently. "Tell me what you were thinking."
"That child was well-loved." I laughed as my eyes became glassy. "That child was loved so much. You could feel it in the air."
He hugged me even tighter.
"I.I want." I began to speak up but I trailed off and shut up.
I'm such a little kid. What the hell am I mumbling about?
Then, I became defensive as I tried to wring away from him. "Please let go of me."
It was my only defense. You stay away and you won't get hurt. You won't hurt the other person.
You're fooling yourself again, Tsuzuki.
"No," he quietly protested.
"No matter how many times you've told me, 'You're human, Tsuzuki', some part of my heart will never accept it." I sighed as my voice cracked as my heart cringed.
"Tsuzuki?"
"Yes?"
"You don't believe anything I say?" He then pushed me away with a huff.
"What are you saying? Of course I do!"
"Then why can't you believe the most important thing I'm telling you." He began to lean on the wall with his head down. "I shouted for you to stay for my sake that day, Tsuzuki."
He looked up to watch my eyes carefully. "I never regretted being that selfish. But I'm hurt to see you regretting what you said to me."
My eyes opened in shock.
"Can't I make anyone happy?" I said as I grabbed my head which was slightly in pain.
He then walked back up to me and held my cheek. I looked up to him as he tilted his head and smiled sadly. "I believe in you. That's why I can't leave you."
As he kissed my forehead, he answered, "If you didn't, what was the point of me walking through the fire for you?"
When he turned around, I grabbed his hand and started to embrace him with my hands clinging onto his shirt from the back. Crying, I let out the silent tears that couldn't be described.
The ones where I was hoping desparately yet letting that hope die at the same time.
"I.I want to be human too." I sobbed.
"We all do," he answered me. "But Tsuzuki, Human doesn't mean your skin or the blood that goes through your veins."
He looked at me as we touched forehead to forehead with our bangs crossing one another's faces.
His eyes are green. So green. Whenever I look into those eyes, there is always something different to see.
Green means hope.
"Human means compassion." He then got my left hand and put his on top of it over my heart.
"This is what a human is, Tsuzuki."
My eyes opened wide slightly as I leaned my head on his chest in silence.
I.
Hisoka.
"Thank you," I whispered as I took his face into my hands and began to kiss him on the lips.
-- author's note: Well, all I can say is that I felt very intense making this piece. * sigh * (I got lost today and walked for an hour and a half in the hot sun not knowing where I was going.)
Thank you to those of you who read my first YnM fic and all the wonderful feedback! =^_^= I really do appreciate it!!!
No more. I don't want this anymore.
Naritai. (I want to become.) By Miyamoto
Chapter 1 - Hope.
There was a case today. And a baby had died. I had put my hand over him thinking, "Maybe it's for the best."
His coldness made my hands want to bleed onto him. If only I could give you my life.
But in my heart, I was saying, "It isn't fair."
And all I could say was, "I'm sorry."
What was I saying sorry for? Nothing. It just felt appropriate.
The mother cried in my arms and all I could do was look at her and hug her with all that I could. I wanted to say, "At least he was human.and he was well loved."
Even for three days, he was well-loved.
When we left, Hisoka asked, "Want some ice cream?"
I laughed and smiled at him. "Sure, why not?"
It was his way of cheering me up: feeding me food. It never failed.
He always tries so hard. To make me happy, I mean.
I happily ate my ice cream as we walked down the street while heading back to the office.
"Just stop it," he said exasperated. It was in a tone higher than usual.
I had become accustomed to his monotonous voice telling me how he really felt inside. This one meant that he was frustrated with me. "Stop what?" I blinked my purple eyes at him.
"Come here." He pulled my sleeve as we entered one of the small, private conference rooms.
He pushed me to sit on the desk as he grabbed my body to hug me. "Stop it, Tsuzuki."
I couldn't see his face, but I could tell he was about to cry. I frowned.
I never can make you happy, can't I, Hisoka? Not with you always worrying even though you never say anything.
"I can't fool you, can't I, Hisoka?" I smiled wistfully.
"Of course you can't," he answered matter-of-factly.
I laughed. "I guess so."
"You looked at that child with eyes I've never seen before," he mumbled as his hands grabbed onto my trenchcoat.
I. I want you to understand. But I'm no good with explanations. They hurt so much, Hisoka.
"What were you thinking, Tsuzuki?" he asked me gently. "Tell me what you were thinking."
"That child was well-loved." I laughed as my eyes became glassy. "That child was loved so much. You could feel it in the air."
He hugged me even tighter.
"I.I want." I began to speak up but I trailed off and shut up.
I'm such a little kid. What the hell am I mumbling about?
Then, I became defensive as I tried to wring away from him. "Please let go of me."
It was my only defense. You stay away and you won't get hurt. You won't hurt the other person.
You're fooling yourself again, Tsuzuki.
"No," he quietly protested.
"No matter how many times you've told me, 'You're human, Tsuzuki', some part of my heart will never accept it." I sighed as my voice cracked as my heart cringed.
"Tsuzuki?"
"Yes?"
"You don't believe anything I say?" He then pushed me away with a huff.
"What are you saying? Of course I do!"
"Then why can't you believe the most important thing I'm telling you." He began to lean on the wall with his head down. "I shouted for you to stay for my sake that day, Tsuzuki."
He looked up to watch my eyes carefully. "I never regretted being that selfish. But I'm hurt to see you regretting what you said to me."
My eyes opened in shock.
"Can't I make anyone happy?" I said as I grabbed my head which was slightly in pain.
He then walked back up to me and held my cheek. I looked up to him as he tilted his head and smiled sadly. "I believe in you. That's why I can't leave you."
As he kissed my forehead, he answered, "If you didn't, what was the point of me walking through the fire for you?"
When he turned around, I grabbed his hand and started to embrace him with my hands clinging onto his shirt from the back. Crying, I let out the silent tears that couldn't be described.
The ones where I was hoping desparately yet letting that hope die at the same time.
"I.I want to be human too." I sobbed.
"We all do," he answered me. "But Tsuzuki, Human doesn't mean your skin or the blood that goes through your veins."
He looked at me as we touched forehead to forehead with our bangs crossing one another's faces.
His eyes are green. So green. Whenever I look into those eyes, there is always something different to see.
Green means hope.
"Human means compassion." He then got my left hand and put his on top of it over my heart.
"This is what a human is, Tsuzuki."
My eyes opened wide slightly as I leaned my head on his chest in silence.
I.
Hisoka.
"Thank you," I whispered as I took his face into my hands and began to kiss him on the lips.
-- author's note: Well, all I can say is that I felt very intense making this piece. * sigh * (I got lost today and walked for an hour and a half in the hot sun not knowing where I was going.)
Thank you to those of you who read my first YnM fic and all the wonderful feedback! =^_^= I really do appreciate it!!!