"Hmmm," North said, folding his arms and leaning back in his chair. He seemed to be thinking quite deeply. Jack let him, anxiously fiddling with his staff, running his fingers up and down the wood and watching how the frost moved with him.
Then North's expression brightened and he sat up straight in the chair. Jack perked and leaned forward, ready to hear all of North's wisdom. North raised his hands in an 'aha' gesture. "Wait here! I have just the thing!"
So Jack impatiently waited while North left the room. He was so nervous he couldn't even pay attention to whatever crazy-cool toy North was coming up with now. Thankfully, it wasn't too long until North returned with a box. It was very colorful, laminated paper in eye-catching colors. North tossed it at Jack.
Jack stared at Trojan. Pleasure you want. Protection you trust. He let out a strangled, "What."
"Is condom!" North said enthusiastically. "Value pack. I am not sure if pooka refraction time reflects earth rabbit, but better safe than sorry. Also comes pre-lubricated, very useful."
Jack could feel frost crawling along his cheeks, down his neck and across his shoulders.
"And remember to put on before intercourse! Protection is useless if it never leaves box, da? Safety is first priority!" He smiled and stared proudly at Jack. Jack stared back helplessly, desperately hoping this was some deranged nightmare and he would wake up.
"Ah!" North said after a moment of awkward silence. "But of course you do not know how to put one on! Let me get cucumber, will show-"
"No!" Jack squeaked. North pulled up short, raising an eyebrow. Jack cleared his throat and added, "I mean, I know how to do-that. No showing necessary. Really. Really really really don't have to do that, thanks. This was a, uh, a very th-thoughtful, uh, thing. Yeah. Thanks. I have a, a, a thing I need to-I'm going to, uh, go, yes, very busy, winter, snowballs and funtimes-seeyoulaterbye!"
The window to North's workroom clattered shut in the sudden wind, leaving North frowning faintly. "Hmph. At least he took box with him. Better give extra box to Bunny, just in case."
Written for a prompt on the rotg kinkmeme, though I only fulfilled the super bonus points in this.