Linzin Week, Day 6: Midnight
It's midnight, but I cannot sleep. A thousand little problems take up every moment of my days, and it's only at night that I can relax and give some attention to my personal life. I roll over in bed to face the man next to me. He faces away, but I can tell by his breathing that he lies awake too. I press my forehead against his back as I slip an arm around his chest, and he take my hand in one of his. I wish that we had the energy for more, but I know that he is just as completely exhausted as I am. We always are, these days.
With all the problems that build to crush me as chief of police, it is a comfort to know that he will always be my pillar of strength. My mother groomed me to take over her job, but nothing could have prepared me for everything it would demand of me. I feel as though I need to be two or three women to execute my duties properly, and I constantly feel stretched beyond my limit. I cannot show any weakness during the day, but in the night I can cling to Tenzin and cry that I'm not ready, that I never could be ready.
My one hope is that the work will become easier in time. I'll be able to stand tall without feeling as though a hand is wrapped around my neck, choking the breath out of me. I can do this. There is so much that I have put aside, so much that we as a couple have put aside while I try to adjust to my new life. We used to talk about children, our future, our hopes and dreams, but now we collapse onto our bed at night and silently worry about the outside world that presses in on us. Right now he is the solid rock that anchors me to the world. In the night I feel like a leaf that will be swept away in a gust of wind, but I can touch his back and be reassured that together, we can endure this. At midnight, he gives me the strength to keep standing.