Yeah, um, I really don't know how to start this off, but hi, I guess. Salutations, greetings, 'sup, etc. It's Donnie here. And I'd like to register some... complaints, if it's all right with you. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not writing an angry letter -because if I ever do that to an innocent FanFiction writer, you can assume Raph and I have switched bodies and currently he's talking, not me-, I've just got a couple things I'd rather not deal with. I'm not irritated or anything, just please, please stop doing the things below and you will make my world a much better place.
1. I'll say it carefully, I'll say it once: I. AM. NOT. A. MAD. SCIENTIST. If it's not too much trouble, please stop writing about me as the guy who's only there to blow things up and shoot missiles and cause general chaos and discord. (If you really don't want to include me, don't go with the 'he blows something up' route just because you feel like you have to, just don't do it! It's not like I'll be offended!) I mean, I only almost blew up the lair twice. *Almost*. Hinting I didn't actually even do it! Granted, that was... probably my own fault, but I made sure everything I was doing in the lab was safe, so there is no need to be adding the 'mad' onto my title of scientist. In reality, I rarely ever do anything dangerous, so it'd be really inaccurate anyways. Instead, why don't you focus on better points of my personality, like the fact that I have an I.Q of 637 or that I keep Raph and Leo from killing each other on a daily basis, or that I'm just so awesome... Wow, now I'm starting to sound like Raphael. MAYBE WE DID SWITCH BODIES! ...Heh. Just kidding. Let's move on.
2. Please please please please please please please please please please stop shipping me with my brothers. Please stop shipping my brothers with me. Please stop shipping my brothers with my other brothers. In general, just stop. I'm not trying to crush your dreams or anything, but I can give you some pretty good reasons why you shouldn't do this and why it wouldn't be accurate. (And why it' horrifying and I hate it, but that's besides my current point.) Firstly, we're all straight, so, um, yeah. (Actually, I don't really know about Mikey, and please don't tell him I said that, but my point still stands because you kind of need two people to have a relationship. That's why it's a relationship.) Secondly, we're brothers. Brothers. Which just makes this a no. We are from new York, not Alabama. We will not have relationships with any of our family members. (Sorry about the southern joke, anyone from the south who is reading this. I just couldn't stop myself from making it.) In general, everything about the prospect of any brother-and-brother pairings is just wrong. It's just- stop. I'll leave it at that.
3. Sometimes I think you guys just like to write about me to see how grumpy and harsh and boring you can possibly make me be. But I don't think I'm really that harsh. Let's be honest, the only time I'm sincerely angry with anyone is when Mikey's purposefully getting under my skin, and even then, I have enough patience to make it through without snapping most of the time. (And if you're still doubtful, I'd like to see you live with a brother like that for 16 years and not kill him. I dare you.) I don't really think I'm all that grumpy either. Well, except for when I don't have my coffee, but usually my brothers know not to get between me and my favorite drink, so it's typically not that big of a problem. (Coffee. That's one thing you FanFiction writers have got right.) And as for boring... BORING?! I am not boring! I just sit in my lab a lot and talk about techy stuff when I probably shouldn't and I've memorized at least a couple of books on pyrotechnics and physics but... Well, maybe to the outside world I'm a bit boring, but I find it's much more interesting to be me when you can see from my point of view. I mean, just going to the junkyard to find spare parts makes me feel like a kid in a candy store, and because I know how to build machines I'm constantly able to think of cool things like the Shellraiser, and I can repair weapons, which is more than can be said for even Leo. Besides, I'm the one who builds all the stuff, so are you really going to get picky about the details?
So, yeah, I guess that's really all I have to say. Thanks for listening, and if you could take my words into account the next time you'd write something, it'd be really appreciated. Sincerely, Hamoto Donatello.