Chapter Zero: Murder Mystery
Life in the boarding house had never been easy, but it seemed it only got harder with each new tenant. Arlette Fairchild had been living the longest in the old house that sat atop a hill with a dead, gnarled tree out front. But hey, this isn't about her - it's about the newest tenants; the gender-ambiguous duo of Morgan and Tracy.
Tracy, a man (we know, just go with it) and Morgan (two guesses) were still in the process of unpacking their things. Due to their immensely magnetic personalities the entirety of the boarding house had offered to help them do so. It was getting done so fast they decided to take a break and have a lunch party, complete with sandwiches and sparkling Doma water. For some unknown reason, Cloud Strife keeled over during lunch after downing two glasses of said water. Though tragic, looking back this was the first event that served to strengthen the bonds between the other tenants.
It would not be the last, either.
The newly-available Tifa Lockheart was consoled by Chenbot, a specially-built digging robot with prowess in martial arts matched by no man and no legs. Suddenly a small crack team of investigators broke off from the main group and deduced that Cloud's Doma water had been poisoned! Arlette, the Agatha Christie of the waitressing world, determined right away by the scent and consistency that it was none other than arsenic.
"It was murder. By arsenic!" she exclaimed in a thick southern drawl that the author will not be typing out.
"Arlette, please. Don't turn this into another one of your ludicrous murder mysteries," Reeve Tuesti said. He'd been living there almost as long, though he'd never gotten an apartment of his own; he lived in the closet of apartment 3A, which belonged to Chenbot.
Not deterred by Reeve's buzzkilling, Roxas got to work investigating the area. He began questioning everyone present.
"So where were you at the time of the soda distribution?" he asked Alfred F. Jones, alias 'America.'
"Oh, I was just talking to my brand new friend! He looks just like me!" he said, motioning to a man who looked quite a bit like him indeed. "We just met today but I can feel that we are kindred spirits!"
"We've ... we've known each other for years," the other bespectacled blonde whispered shyly.
"And what did you say your name was?" Roxas asked, leering at him.
"I said it at the beginning of the party! I told everyone!" he wailed.
"What do you mean? You just got here!" Clearly this man who was accompanied by a white bear (who didn't seem to know who he was either) that claimed he'd been here the whole time but obviously just showed up was up to something!
"I'm pretty sure I'd remember you if you did!" Tracy growled. "This is my house, after all. God, it figures that as soon as we move in something like this would happen!"
"Calm down, darling," Arlette said in a coo, patting the impetuous young man's tense shoulder. "We'll get to the bottom of this!" Arlette turned to Chenbot. "Chenbot, do you have any way to analyze this evidence that I've found?" Quistis Trepe held out a hand full of something to the robot.
"Negative. I have only been programmed ... to fight!" For a moment he was silent. "Or ... to dig!" He struck a dynamic kung fu digging pose.
"Well, we can scratch the kids off the list," Roxas said. "We all know they're too kindhearted to do anything this cruel."
The 'kids' to whom he was referring were Krile, a teenaged blond girl who had spunk but a caring heart; and Vivi, a young boy of an unknown age but seemingly younger than Krile, with an equally caring heart but an even greater inquisitive mind.
He turned to Morgan and Tracy. "It seemed suspicious that the drink you two gave to him was poisoned!"
Morgan looked shocked and Tracy looked offended.
"But we weren't in charge of the drinks!" Morgan stammered as her eyes of subtle wheat began to shimmer with worried tears.
"Yeah, whoever was here last would have left that shit here," Tracy spat, crossing his arms over his chest.
Roxas shot a concerned glance at Tifa, who was still being comforted by Chenbot. Then he turned back to Tracy and narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "I'm going to keep my eye on you," he hissed.
"Yeah, well look while you can, cause you're not gettin' any!" Tracy said, throwing up his arms.
Roxas' attention then turned to two young women with slightly pointed ears and slightly angular jaws. They appeared to be twins, although one had dirty blond hair and golden eyes and the other had golden hair and dirty blond eyes. Another marked difference was the fact that one had much more majestic mammories.
"Where were you when he was poisoned?" Roxas asked, fixated on the large breasts for just a second too long.
"It's not free, buddy," the well-endowed one quipped.
"We were standing here the whole time," said the other quietly.
"What are your names? I don't recognize you two."
"I'm Corissa," said the one with golden eyes and amber hair. "Tits McGee here
is my sister Lina."
"A pleasure!" she said, smacking her gum and extending a hang to Roxas, which caused her breasts to twitch. A lot.
Flustered, Roxas declined, though he was momentarily distracted by the warbling of her majestic mounds. His attentions then turned to Cait Sith but quickly turned away; everyone knew Cait Sith was not only just a stuffed animal, but also completely useless and incapable of an act of such subtlety. He turned instead to a dark-haired, tan-skinned woman with tattooed upper arms. Well, one of them was a tattoo, at least.
"And what about -"
Oerba Yun Fang quickly cut him off. "What about me? Do you think I ..." She quickly thrust her head down into Roxas's face. " ... had anything to do with this?"
"Uh, my mistake," he choked out. He then thought how great it would be to have some sea-salt ice cream to allay his concerns while he looked toward the next person, a man he knew well.
"What is it, Rucksack?" the pale man asked, examining his fingernails.
Roxas blushed. "So uh ... what do you know about this soda business?"
"What do I know about soda?" he asked vaguely. "It's refreshing. Bubbly. Good at any party. But ..." He leaned forward and jammed his finger into the middle of Roxas's forehead. "Doesn't last quite long enough."
"Er, yes. Thank you Setzer," Roxas said quickly as he moseyed on to the next person, a large blond man. "And what about you?"
"I didn't do anything," said Ziggy in a deep voice. "But I did find something." He pulled a dagger out of his pocket. "I found it near the drinks." He handed it to Roxas. "Don't waste it," he ordered after a second of thought.
"... Yes. Thank you, I won't."
Who would have brought a dagger to a party? He glanced around the room. Somewhere in the universe a die must have rolled a natural twenty because he caught sight of a dagger-shaped bulge in Corissa's tights as she and her sister searched Cloud's body.
"What's that?" Roxas exclaimed, pointing at them. Everyone turned and gasped at the women looting Cloud's corpse.
"What?" Corissa asked irritably, looking up.
"Stop right there, evildoers!" America shouted at the twins - who were, in fact, not moving.
The man who resembled America started bouncing on the balls of his feet. This is it, he thought. This is my big chance. I'll stop them and I'll be the hero. Everyone will realize my greatness! Even I'll admit they never had a reason to remember me before. But after I apprehend these two scoundrels they'll remember ... They'll remember that my name is Canada!
Unfortunately for the poor fellow whose name we cannot remember, the twin temptresses were already making their escape. "So long, suckers! It's been fun," said Lina. Her breasts seemed to nod in agreement.
"Catch you on the flip side," said Corissa with a wink.
The two then leaned inwards, crossing their arms across one another. And then with a high-pitched "Ya!" they disappeared in a flash of light.
Everyone was shocked, except for the bespectacled stranger in the back of the room, who began to cry.
Morgan began to weep. "What a way to be introduced to your new home!"
Tracy just spat on the ground. "Figures."
"Well," said Arlette, "I suppose we can decide what to do next once we deal with Cloud's body. Chenbot?"
Everyone began to clean up while Chenbot dumped Cloud's corpse into the dumpster behind the building.