I am sitting.

This is all I ever seem to do, nowadays – sit. Beside myself. Alone with only my thoughts. I don't enjoy it, no – who would enjoy being forced to realize their inner shortcomings, their regrets, their… desires?

No, this is not something I like. I wish I could stop, but once I've rested, had the chance to think, I can't. My thoughts control me, strangling choking…

And then I see Chie.

She always comes next, usually smiling in my imagination; she's always teasing but always joking, too. When her smile was only mine, when the jokes were only so we could talk… I miss those times. Even when I'd say something dumb and she'd criticize me. There was still enough love in her harsh words and she'd break down in a laugh regardless of how strong she meant to scold me. More than anything, I miss that. I've tried to figure why this changed. When did we suddenly break apart from a comfortable game of cat and mouse?

Maybe when a new cat came to town.

And what a cat he is – perpetually cool, quiet, polite. He always knows just what to say, what to do. It's like the world lends him more time to think himself through, to know more of what's right and wrong. Not to mention he's a real hero, too. The guy who discovered the "TV world" problem and was able to save lives because of his self-assured security. He had nothing to hide. No demons. No problems. Pure, through and through, with a clean slate and a full heart.

I was never like that; I don't think I ever could be. I had my Shadow, one who told me I was tired of my life. And it was right – how tired I am of the everyday. Of what I do now.

Sit.

I guess after all of that I think about her happiness. That usually stops the anger and the guilt from the anger for a while. It's even not like Souji did it on purpose – no, he didn't move to Inaba with the intention of stealing away the one girl I actually, genuinely... had something for.

Maybe I love her. I'm not sure.

No, he's much better than that. Besides, she's truly very happy with him and… I should be, too.

I'm not; they see this. They frown to themselves and tell me that Saki-senpai is in a better place, now. And yet it's amazing that they think that's why I'm closed-off all the time when my sadness for her death was only to cover up a need for excitement. How pathetic it seems that I can't even mourn without being so selfish.

Sometimes Yukiko will give me a cross look, trying to analyze me. And usually, she'll touch my shoulder or offer a glance that suggests she really gets it. She probably does, and furthermore knows not to tell Chie. Not to worry Chie. Not to upset Chie. She's truly the smartest and most intuitive I've ever encountered and maybe someday I'll remember to thank her for keeping my horrible secret. I've kept hers, after all – it could stop a train the way she looks at Souji. Enamored. But, the mission is always to keep Chie happy.

And we're pretty good at that by hiding ourselves away, even with the possibility of another Shadow coming from that.

Sometimes, Souji will prod me with questions. It's not like I don't want to tell him, but I know it wouldn't do any good. He would feel bad, Chie would find out and be distraught, and I would ruin the friendships I've worked so hard to keep. I've gotten better at seeing those "sessions" coming – every other day or so, when the last bell is minutes away, he'll look over his shoulder at me, breaking his glance away from Chie to try and get a look at my face. I've learned to stare back at him, to make him very aware that I've connected. But whenever the bell rings, something "Junes-related" will come up, and off I'll go to a shift that doesn't exist.

The next day, then, following a particularly "off" day in my stupid fit of depression like that, Chie will come to school with a toxic but thoughtful cake; it'll sit in my kitchen and I'll sit staring at it for maybe a week or so. I know not to taste it, for even if it were delicious it would be sour and troubling. When it goes bad… something wet is on my face and I throw it away, along with the only moment she felt enough love and concern to bake me a cake.

Rinse, repeat. It continues without fail.

author's notes. I was bored in class one day and just started writing... and this came up. Actually, wrote this while listening to "Sometime Around Midnight" by an artist I can't remember. But it's a beautiful song! I know it's quite short but I hope you guys like it anyway.