A/N: Happy New Year, everyone!
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Start Spreading the News
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All in all, Sasuke reflects, it's been a pretty calm year.
Of course, "calm" is a relative term. The last few years have included, in order:
1) Sasuke's brother dating their cousin,
2) Everyone else finding out that Sasuke's brother was dating their cousin,
3) The resulting hysteria and attempts at cutting the offending couple out of the family entirely, which Sasuke had of course fought tooth and nail, which had been exhausting thank you very much,
4) The engagement of Sasuke's brother to their cousin, finally followed by
5) The wedding of Itachi and Shisui at the start of last year.
He's pretty sure there'd been something in there about Great Uncle Madara and an attempt at reversing the ages-old alcohol ban on Uchiha family parties, but Sasuke had done his level best to avoid being anywhere near that particular blast zone. His personal drama had all circled around Itachi and his insane husband for what felt like the last decade, and that includes this one being eaten up with the pervasive worry that Shisui would fuck everything up somehow and break his brother's heart. And then Sasuke would have to murder him and it would all be very messy. He's guessing that shit is just what comes of causing massive familial scandals.
Well, he decides, it's probably only fair. The universe's way of evening shit out, or something like that. After all, Itachi had been an unnervingly well-adjusted kid from the start, and never gotten into any trouble as a teenager except from what Shisui dragged him into (which Sasuke privately thinks had set the tone for the rest of their relationship). So in a way, his brother had just cashed in twenty-something years of good will all in a cluster.
At least the wedding's been over and done with. The happy couple has hit all their proper milestones and Sasuke, leaning back in his chair and contemplating a short nap, is more relieved than he can articulate. No more major upheavals for the family this upcoming year, no sir. Next year is going to be a pool of—of fucking serenity, which sounds amazing after all the shit that's been happening while Sasuke grit his teeth and ground out caustic comments and carried on. He is billing Itachi and Shisui for his migraine medication; that can be his resolution if he's forced to actually make one. Still.
Thank fuck, it's over.
Feeling somewhat like a lead weight has been lifted from his shoulders—sure, there's still going to be the long-term irritation of having to acknowledge Shisui as a relation proper, not to mention the awkward family reunions that Sasuke is bound and determined to boycott, but Itachi and Shisui are settled and Sasuke appreciates his new awareness concerning which relatives he can truthfully count as family—he smiles a satisfied little smile and closes his eyes.
And then his cell phone rings.
You! I wanna take you to a gay bar!
Sasuke contemplates throwing the damn thing across the room and billing Shisui for that, too (he'd changed the ringtone to something even more mortifying in company than the last one, apparently safe in the knowledge that Sasuke has no fucking clue how to change the settings), but he decides against it in the spirit of new beginnings and picks the phone up.
Speak of the devil and he shall appear, Sasuke thinks, reading the caller ID that cheerfully and inaccurately announces Your Favorite Brother-In-Law (which, naturally, he also has no clue how to change or believe him he would).
"What?" he grumbles, picking up.
"Really, Sasuke?" Shisui asks, unimpressed. "On New Year's? That's your greeting?"
Sasuke pulls the phone away from his mouth for a second so he can let out a despairing groan. He should be used to this shit by now, he really should.
He tries again. "I have exactly twenty-four minutes before I need to go home and watch that asinine ball drop with my parents. I might remind you that you are also going to be there. Also, I need to fucking sleep. What do you want."
"Aw, poor Sasuke. Sad no one's gonna kiss you at midnight, squirt?"
"Too tired to threaten you up to my usual standards," Sasuke says flatly.
"Ah well. Yeah, it's just that Itachi and I had some news and we thought, y'know, you should hear it first."
Sasuke opens his mouth to ask why and then promptly closes it again. His current state of exhaustion (thank you, back-to-back work shifts because some of his coworkers can't handle the concept of calling in sick more than ten fucking minutes ahead of time) is definitely not conducive to handling any kind of emotional moment, which is what he fears a clarification right now would lead to.
"What is it?" he asks, torn between curiosity and suspicion.
"Well…" Shisui sighs dramatically. "We've just discovered that your brother is, in fact, a girl. He's hidden it well, but I always suspected-"
Sasuke hangs up on him.
Five minutes later Itachi does the calling himself (announced by the much more accurate Your Favorite Brother).
"Your husband is an imbecile," Sasuke informs him.
"I am aware," Itachi says, but Sasuke can hear the amusement in it. Which isn't fair when he was being completely serious. "But we did have something we wanted to tell you."
Before Sasuke can say anything to that there's what sounds like a brief scuffle on the other end of the line, a yelp from someone who sounds like Shisui, and then Itachi is talking again like nothing has happened.
"Shisui is determined to, and I quote, 'get you the therapy you so obviously need' by springing things on you," he says matter-of-factly. "But-"
"You're gonna be an uncle, squirt!"
Sasuke drops the phone.
It doesn't prevent him from hearing another Shisui-ish yelp. (His brother has sharp elbows, Sasuke knows this from experience, and he uses them without mercy.)
Slowly, methodically, he bends over and picks up the cell again.
"I am not," he says, flat.
"No, you are not," Itachi agrees, and Sasuke has two point five seconds of hope before his brother adds, "Not for a while, at least. We are…throwing the idea around, you could say. Shisui is getting ahead of himself as usual."
Ignoring the faint "aw, come on 'tachi, don't ruin my fun" from Shisui, Sasuke blinks at the wall. "But you're definitely thinking about it."
"Considering it. We thought you deserved a fair warning."
Sasuke can feel another migraine coming on, and that nap is beginning to look like a very distant dream indeed. "How long do you think 'a while' is?"
"Several years, most likely, but it doesn't hurt to be prepared."
Several…? He blinks a few more times. And then a few more.
And then Sasuke bursts out laughing.
"Sasuke?" Itachi asks, sounding slightly concerned. "Are you all right?"
"He's finally cracked, see, what did I say about therapy," Shisui is saying in the background, but Sasuke can't even bring himself to summon a retort. He's laughing too hard. Because of course. It's just like Shisui to scare the shit out of him with something like this, and just like Itachi to plan everything out half a decade in advance, and he's not sure how he could've expected anything different.
"You know what?" he says, managing to get himself back under control. "Bring it on. Acquire a kid or ten kids, whatever, I'm actually looking forward to the one AM panic calls."
Because there will undoubtedly be many, Shisui and Itachi both clueless in their own special ways. They'll undoubtedly raise scary little genii with a penchant for creative pranks, maybe with curly hair or freakishly high IQs or neither, and you know what, Sasuke doesn't even care anymore. He is fucking Zen. His family is insane and they're slowly dragging him into the asylum with them, but he loves them anyway and that might just be enough to make him quit clinging by his fingernails to some vestige of sanity.
This upcoming year is not, he realizes, going to be anything remotely resembling a pool of serenity. But fine. It wouldn't be his life if it was.
Bring it on, Sasuke thinks, grinning as he settles back into his chair. Bring it on.
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Fin