Chapter 1: Scars

A/N: Okay, so this fic started out a lot like Blow Me One Last Kiss did, in that I was driving around, I heard a song on the radio, I suddenly had a fanfic lodged in my brain. So here we go again with the song-inspired fics.

This one is REALLY DARK! There is A LOT of suicide talk going on in this fic. If you can't handle it, just leave.

This chapter was inspired by the song Scars, by Papa Roach. (I told you it was dark.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran Host Club or any of the songs or lyrics used in the creation of this fic, nor do I have any affiliation with any of the artists or anything like that.

"Fuck!" Kaoru Hitachiin swore, punching the wall of the shower. "Goddamnit!" he swore again, glancing down at his knuckles. They were red from the blow, and definitely sore, but there was no blood or broken skin. "FUCK!" he shouted, knowing that his apartment was empty, and no one outside would hear through the walls and the sound of rushing water.

The lean 21-year-old redhead finally sank down into a crouch, clutching his head as his body shook underneath the pounding stream of water. He wanted to cry, but the tears just wouldn't come…

"I shouldn't have done that…" he groaned. "I should never have said those things to him…"

He wanted to get out of the shower, find his phone, call him back, apologize… Even now, he was sure he knew where Kyouya Ootori was… in the same bar he always went to, slowly drinking himself to death. Kaoru knew exactly where to find his friend… but he didn't know how to save him. And he was so fucking tired of trying.

It would be so easy… so easy to pick up the phone. But the hard part was knowing what to say. For months he had tried to help Kyouya overcome his demons, but… it just wasn't working. Nothing he said made any difference. Kyouya refused to be helped, and Kaoru was just so fucking tired…

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Looking back, Kaoru knew he should have seen all this coming. On some level, he had… but he'd thought… he'd thought things would be different. For one thing, he would have thought Haruhi would have picked a damn boyfriend by now!

Hikaru and Tamaki had been fighting for the girl's attentions since high school. And that had been fine. It had been hilarious to watch. But in the back of his mind, Kaoru always assumed that Haruhi would eventually pick a boyfriend.

Kyouya knew it too. Kaoru wasn't sure if anyone else knew, but it was obvious to him that Kyouya was in love with Tamaki. Of course he was. The dark-haired boy did more than tolerate the antics of the club's prince, he seemed to enjoy them. He loved his best friend, and Kaoru thought they made a fantastic couple. Or they would have, if Tamaki hadn't been so busy chasing Haruhi.

As for Kaoru himself… well, he understood why Hikaru liked the girl. Haruhi was sweet, smart, funny, charming, pretty… She could even tell them apart. If Kaoru hadn't finally realized that he was gay several years earlier, he might have joined his brother in competing for the girl's affections. But it hadn't interested him, and he'd sat on the sidelines, watching as his beloved twin drifted further and further away from him.

Things were easier when he was seeing someone. It always had been. There was someone there who paid attention to him, who wanted him around… it was nice, especially since Hikaru had been neglecting him since he'd decided to pursue Haruhi. But a lonely Kaoru can be an impulsive Kaoru, and he'd been led astray more times than he cared to count.

Yes, he'd seen it all. Boys who just wanted him for his looks, boys who didn't care about his emotional well-being, boys who only wanted to experiment with their sexuality, boys who cheated on him the whole time, boys who just didn't give a damn. There had been way too many boys in his life, and every single one left another scar on his already battered heart.

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed 'cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
'Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

It had been the latest in this string of failed relationships that had driven Kaoru to the bar. Usually he would have gone to the usual watering hole where he could have at least sat with Tamaki, Hikaru, and Haruhi. Haruhi would have talked to him, though the boys probably would have ignored him in favor of the bubbly girl.

But he didn't want to watch them anymore. He was so tired of the desperate flirting, so tired of how damn oblivious Haruhi was to everything. Was it even humanly possible to be that oblivious? Hikaru and Tamaki had only been wooing her for about four or five years now… Surely a normal human being would have seen the signs before now.

And anyways, the bar was where he'd met several of his ex's, including the one that had just thrown him out in favor of a new man who was "more compatible", whatever the hell that meant. All Kaoru knew was that he'd been dumped and it hurt like hell and he wasn't ready to dive back in just yet.

Once he could get dumped and be in bed with another guy by the end of the night. Now… now the scars were adding up, and he needed more and more time to recover. So he went to a smaller bar, one where he could drown his sorrows in cheap booze and ignore anyone who tried to slip him a number or cop a feel. And that's where he'd found Kyouya, surrounded by empty bottles and slumped over at the bar.

It hadn't been shocking that Kyouya wasn't handling Tamaki's behavior well. The desperate love the boy had for his golden best friend was painfully obvious, at least to Kaoru. And seeing his best friend dance attention down on Haruhi… it must have hurt. But the Shadow King had always seemed to self-possessed, Kaoru hadn't even imagined the other boy even getting tipsy, much less nearly passed out drunk in some dive bar.

"Kyouya? What the hell are you doing here?" Kaoru asked. Perhaps he could have been more delicate when asking… but seriously, what the hell was he doing?

Kyouya just stared at Kaoru, not even recognizing the redhead in front of him. Then he turned back to the bar, tried to order another shot, but slumped over completely before he could get the words out.

Part of Kaoru wanted to yell at the bartender, because really, who would keep serving drinks to a patron that was obviously so drunk? But he was worried about Kyouya, so he called a cab and managed to loop Kyouya's arm around his shoulders and half-drag and half-carry the intoxicated man out to the cab. Luckily he knew where Kyouya was living, and got him there without much trouble.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Paying for the cab was easy, but frisking Kyouya for his apartment keys was something Kaoru had hoped to avoid. But Kyouya was completely unconscious by then, and Kaoru really didn't want to take him back to the apartment he shared with Hikaru… too many awkward questions.

He got Kyouya into his bedroom and finally dropped the taller boy onto the bed. Kaoru sighed, wondering how to go about making sure that the boy didn't accidentally choke on his own vomit or otherwise meet an untimely demise sometime during the night. He removed Kyouya's shoes, then tried to drag the boy into a more comfortable position, careful to leave his head tipped to one side. Then he walked into the kitchen, pouring two glasses of water. He walked back into the bedroom, sitting one glass on the nightstand. Sipping from his own glass, Kaoru started walking away when he heard a voice behind him.

"Kaoru?"

The voice was soft, not quite weak and not quite slurred, just heavy and tired, and something about it sent a shiver down Kaoru's spine. Perhaps the Shadow King hadn't been as out of it as he'd assumed. He turned back around.

"Hey, welcome back to the land of the living. How are you doing?"

Kyouya blinked, almost in slow-motion. Kaoru wasn't sure what to say.

"What are you doing here?" Kyouya asked finally. "And why am I at home?"

"I'm here because I brought you home, and I brought you home because your dumb ass was passed out in a seedy dive bar," Kaoru said, finally crossing the room to perch on the end of the bed.

"Why were you at the bar?" Kyouya asked finally.

Kaoru snorted. "That's what you're worried about? Not the fact that you were PASSED OUT DRUNK in a bar?"

Kyouya managed a shrug. "It happens from time to time."

Kaoru thought his brain imploded. That statement did not jive with the unflappable Shadow King he'd known back in high school. "You're telling me that passing out in a bar is a semi-regular occurrence for you? What the hell has happened to you, man?"

Kyouya didn't answer him. Kaoru didn't need him to.

"You gotta just let him go, man! Tamaki isn't worth it!" Kaoru exclaimed, unable to stop himself. He'd wanted to say this for months, maybe years.

"I can't."

Of course he couldn't. Kaoru had been telling himself that about Hikaru, and look where it got him. Fucking nowhere, that's where.

"Look, I know I'm pretty fucking broken myself, but… god, Kyouya, this is too much. You can't keep doing this," Kaoru said, anger starting to get the better of him. He knew he was taking it out on Kyouya when the real culprits were nowhere in sight, but… shit. "I'm sorry, I've had a really bad evening. Are you gonna be okay if I leave?"

For a minute, he thought Kyouya might have passed out again… but then he saw the minutest shake of the head. Kyouya didn't look him in the eye, but it was all too obvious he didn't want to be alone.

"Please don't go."

"Fucking hell…" Kaoru muttered to himself. Oh, he was going to regret this in the morning. "Yeah, okay, if you want." And he swung his legs up onto the bed, collapsing onto the pillows next to Kyouya. "Come here you," he added, gripping Kyouya's shoulder and pulling the dark-haired boy's head onto his chest so he could stroke the ebony hair. And they fell asleep like that, with Kyouya gripping Kaoru's shirt like a lifeline.

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

Kaoru woke up to find that Kyouya was no longer cuddled up to him. Hearing the shower in the next room, Kaoru quickly decided that the smartest thing to do was to get the hell out, so he headed back to the apartment he shared with Hikaru. Surprisingly, his twin was at home.

"Where the hell were you last night? Your latest love was wandering around with some other guy on his arm; I was worried sick about you!" Hikaru exclaimed.

"Why, did you think I killed myself in despair?" Kaoru asked with biting sarcasm.

"Nah, I thought your ex killed you and dumped your body in a river," Hikaru retorted with equal sarcasm. "Jeeze, I was just worried, okay?"

"Yeah, fine. Not worried enough to just, I don't know, call me or something apparently," Kaoru said icily. "I was fine anyways, just ran around town and did the usual shit, then crashed at a friend's place in case you finally got lucky after… how many years has it been now?"

Hikaru was on his feet long before that rant ended. "That was a low blow. Not cool. If that's what you think, then I'm outta here." And he was gone, slamming the door behind him. Kaoru tried to tell himself he didn't care, but it was a lie. Not knowing what else to do, he took a shower and then threw himself down onto the couch to play videogames for the next several hours. But as the sun set, he glanced out the window, sighed in frustration, and strode out the door, heading back to the dive bar from the night before.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Kyouya was there, just as Kaoru had expected, and well on his way to oblivion. Kaoru slide onto the stool next to him.

"What the hell are you doing back here?"

"What else am I going to do?" Kyouya asked, his tone even more clipped than usual.

"You can't be serious," Kaoru said flatly.

Kyouya just shrugged and ordered another beer.

Kaoru intercepted the bartender. "I will tip you a fifty if you promise to stop serving him drinks so I can get him the hell out of here."

The bartender blinked, then held out his hand. Kaoru dropped the bill into the open palm in front of him, then turned all his attention to the dark-haired boy at his side.

"You're joking, right?" Kyouya asked. "I could pay twice that much to get him to bring me more drinks, and that's in addition to my usual tab."

"I don't care. You're leaving. Now." And to emphasize the point, Kaoru grabbed Kyouya's arm, yanking him to his feet. Kyouya wobbled, nearly losing his footing. "Good god, how much did you have before I got here?" Kaoru demanded.

"Don't worry about it," Kyouya snapped, trying to yank his arm out of Kaoru's grip.

"This isn't healthy and you need to cut it out," Kaoru said angrily.

"I already told you I don't have anything better to do," Kyouya argued.

"Then call me," Kaoru said.

Kyouya blinked.

"Call me, or text me, or whatever," Kaoru continued, amber eyes locked on slate gray ones. "I will come spend time with you if it'll keep you out of these bars."

"I'm sure you have plenty of things to do in the evenings, you certainly don't need to be wasting them baby-sitting me," Kyouya groused.

"You'd be surprised," Kaoru said wryly, giving the boy's arm a firm yank. "Everyone seems to assume that I have this epic social life. It's not as much fun as people think."

Kyouya didn't seem to know how to respond to that, so he let Kaoru lead him out of the bar and back to his own apartment rather than the one Kaoru shared with his twin.

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go… fix… yourself…

And so it went… week in, week out… for months Kaoru attempted to distract Kyouya from his broken heart. And he couldn't help but notice that he was getting some benefits as well. His own battered heart was healing in the presence of someone who seemed to genuinely appreciate his company for what it was.

Sure, there were setbacks. Kaoru had to keep a strict eye on Kyouya, and on nights when he didn't hear from the boy, he had to prowl the cities dive bars. Kyouya had his favorites, but he was cunning enough to hide from Kaoru when he didn't want to be found, and it was up to the redhead to save the raven-haired boy from himself.

The nights that he came over to find that Kyouya had purchased bottles of wine or scotch or some other liquor were the worst. Kaoru couldn't bring himself to waste his friend's money by pouring the drinks down the drain, but it was hard to hide anything from the Shadow King in his own apartment. And despite all his assurances to the contrary, sometimes these nights in Kyouya's apartment really did feel like baby-sitting.

Kaoru tried to tell himself that they were making progress, that soon Kyouya's urges to drown his pain in drink would fade away… but he was lying to himself. Again. He was getting way too damn good at that.

It all came to a head when Kaoru went on his first date in months. The guy was good-looking, but Kaoru saw all the signs… this guy would cheat on him, string him along, then dump him without ceremony before too long. Kaoru thought about walking right the hell out, but he'd been alone for a while… A warm body in his bed sounded kind of nice, and why did that thought make him think of Kyouya?

As if on cue, his phone rang. Kaoru smiled apologetically at his date before answering the phone. "Kyouya? What's up?"

"Hi, this is the bartender… Your friend has had WAY too much to drink, and he's become rather belligerent. I figured you'd want to know, and maybe you could get him home..." The man trailed off meaningfully.

Kaoru sighed. This was definitely NOT how he'd planned on the evening ended. "Yeah, fine, I'll be there as soon as I can." He hung up the phone without another word. "Hey, sorry, a friend of mine got himself into some trouble, and I…"

"Really? That's the excuse you're using? Lame…" the man in front of him declared.

Kaoru scowled. "Excuse you, but it's the truth… I need to go help out a friend."

"Kaoru, please… Everyone around here knows you're too busy moping around after your brother to have any friends."

Kaoru nearly overturned the table in his haste to get away. "Shows how much the rumor mill knows. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go help out a friend." And with that, he walked out and didn't look back.

But the walk to the bar gave him too much time to think. To think about how many bars he'd dragged Kyouya from in the last few months, how many bartenders he'd bribed, how many gallons of alcohol he'd poured out… Kyouya wasn't getting any better with Kaoru's help. In fact, he might be getting worse.

Kyouya was passed out at the bar, and Kaoru had a sense of déjà vu as he thanked the bartender for the call and dragged the other boy into the nearest cab. He managed to get Kyouya to bed safely, and then he sprawled on the bed, his mind too tangled to even think of sleeping yet.

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

Kaoru didn't manage to fall asleep until nearly sunrise, and he slept fitfully for several hours before finally waking up sometime in the afternoon. Kyouya had obviously been awake for some time, as he was freshly showered and dressed and looking presentable. It was such a contrast from the mess he saw on a nightly basis that Kaoru could scarcely believe they were the same person.

"You're unhappy with me," Kyouya said from his seat at the kitchen table when Kaoru shuffled in to grab a cup of coffee.

"You're damn straight I'm unhappy with you," Kaoru snapped. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you like slowly killing yourself like this?"

Kyouya shrugged. "It's a way to forget."

"You're joking, aren't you?" Kaoru exclaimed. "You've got to be! You cannot still be this hung up on Tamaki!"

"I don't think it's really any of your business," Kyouya said icily, sipping from his own coffee cup.

"You made it my business when you accepted my offer to help!" Kaoru exclaimed. "I don't want to stand here watching you slowly kill yourself over that loser!"

"Don't call him a loser," Kyouya said, and his voice was dangerous though the pitch never changed.

"He is a loser though!" Kaoru yelled. "And if he wants to spend the rest of his damn life chasing a girl who is NEVER going to get her head screwed on straight long enough to notice how much he loves her, that's his problem! Not yours! If you have any self-respect at all, you'd forget about him!"

"You're one to talk," Kyouya snapped, rising to his feet to face the redhead. "Your brother neglects you, and you let yourself be turned into the town bicycle, and you have the nerve to talk to me about self-respect? And if Tamaki is a loser for chasing Haruhi, what does that make Hikaru? And what does that make you?"

Kaoru knew that every word Kyouya spoke was the truth. Every single fucking word. That didn't take out any of the sting though, and Kyouya had to duck as the empty mug in Kaoru's hand flew across the kitchen.

"At least the shit I do to myself isn't going to get me killed!" Kaoru yelled. "Maybe it's hard to look at myself in the mirror every morning, but at least I have moments where I'm not a fucking walking train wreck like you!"

"You don't really give a damn what happens to me, do you?" Kyouya demanded. "You're just looking for some reason not to hate yourself. You know what, get the hell out of my apartment!"

"If you kick me out now," Kaoru said, taking a step towards the older boy, "I swear to god I'm never coming back. And I hope you do manage to drink yourself to death. It's all you deserve."

"Get the fuck out," Kyouya said, his voice perfectly steady, low with suppressed anger.

"Fine. See you at your funeral," Kaoru snapped, striding out the door and slamming it with a resounding thud.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

And here he was... Still in the shower, wondering why he couldn't cry, wondering why the hell he'd basically told the one friend he had left in the world to just do and die, and wondering just how his life could get any more fucked up. Kaoru punched the floor of the shower this time rather than the wall, and was finally rewarded with hot tears mingling with water on his cheeks.

"What the fuck have I done?" he groaned.

His cellphone was still in his jacket pocket, slung onto the bed when he'd returned home. It would be so easy to pick up the phone and call Kyouya... But Kaoru was torn. He should apologize for the things he said, that much was obvious. But... what would it really accomplish? Kyouya had already made it perfectly clear he resented Kaoru's intrusions.

"Maybe I really was just making things worse..." he muttered to himself, finally turning off the water and reaching for a towel. "He's probably better off without me... That seems like a familiar pattern... Everyone seems better off without me."

He ran the towel through his hair, not bothering to tame the red strands as they sprang every which way on his head. Wrapping the towel snuggly around his waist, he headed back to the bedroom and started to grab some clothes, but lost interest halfway through and instead sprawled on the bed, not caring that his damp towel and hair were making the comforter wet. Who really gave a damn?

Kaoru was never sure how long he spent lying there staring at the ceiling of his bedroom when the shrill ring of his cellphone interrupted his thoughts. He sat up, grabbing his jacket from the foot of the bed and snatching his phone. And his heart nearly stopped at the familiar number that so rarely appeared on his screen anymore. He answered the phone, heart pounding in his ears.

"Hikaru? What's going on? Is something wrong?" he asked, and then stopped to wonder how things had gotten so bad that he assumed that his brother could only be calling to tell him bad news.

"You bet your ass something's wrong!" Hikaru screamed in his ear. "Kyouya's gone totally off his rocker! He was in a bar, dead drunk and babbling something about you, and now he's on the roof of this huge building and I think he's going to jump! I didn't even know you'd been talking to him! What the fuck did you do?"

Kaoru blinked, pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it, then pinched himself. Had he gone crazy? Or had Hikaru? "...What?" he asked at last.

"God, are you thick or something?" Hikaru screamed. "Kyouya. Is. Going. To. Kill. Himself! And judging by what he said earlier, I think it has something to do with you, so GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!"

"Fuck..." Kaoru groaned. "I'll be right there." And he jumped up to grab the first pieces of clothing he could find, wondering if it was even still possible to undo the damage he'd done.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

A/N: There you go. Told you it was gonna turn into some dark shit before too long.

So I pretty much have all of this planned out except for the very end. We'll see how the writing goes and what people want… We'll see how dark this ends up being, or if I'll relent by the end of it. Bwahaha! It should end up being four, maybe five chapters long by the time I'm done. I have four chapters that are almost completely planned out, but I have vague ideas for a fifth, depending on what happens in four.