A/N - This is the first fanfic that I have ever put out there. I feel like I have walked the plank and now there is no return. I hope that you all like it. Let me know. If it's crap let me know that too. I would love reviews. I have also updated this chapter with a few edits, thanks to my wonderful Beta Breath-of-twilight. Let me know if you like. The obvious song for this chapter is Here With Me by Dido.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess and she owns everything. No copyright infringement intended.
Here With Me
I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
And I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory
Oh, I am what I am
I do what I want
But I can't hide
And I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
And I won't leave
And I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me
-Dido
Chapter 1
Loss
It had been eight years. Eight years since the day he left, the end of my world as I knew it. He had left a tangible imprint on my soul that would taint me. I was damaged beyond repair, and that meant that I would be doomed to spend the rest of my life alone. He would be the first man who would leave me over the years, but not the last.
Immediately after his departure I leaned on Jacob for support. Jake was there for me in a way that no other person could possibly have been. He brought the light back into the void in me that he had left.
We carried on with my false sense of happiness for over a year. I even started to think that maybe Jake was going to be able to at least partially fill the shoes he left. But those shoes were enormous, and no sooner had the thoughts entered my head, Jake imprinted.
She was beautiful, and she was his. Her name was Haven, and she was Paul's cousin. She had been sent to spend the summer with her aunt and uncle. Paul had brought her to a bonfire that the pack was having, and…BANG, she was his everything. Deep down I knew that it bothered Jake that he would never be able to be the same with me, but I was happy for him. He deserved someone who could love him the way that I never could. Fate felt like it was never on my side.
Jake would always call and try to get me to come down to La Push to spend time there, but I just didn't want to be submersed in all of their happiness. I knew it was selfish, but if I was going to spend my life alone, I needed to come to terms with that and get on with living, or maybe even just... existing.
Charlie tried to be the best father that he could be, but I was proving to be a lost cause. Eventually we fell into a pattern that was comfortable to him, and I wanted to make him as happy as I was capable of doing.
I finished school and was Forks High School's valedictorian. I had more than enough time on my hands to study, and by the end of school I had aced every class.
Angela was really the only friend that I had left from school. Everyone else saw that I was withdrawing and at some point I became almost invisible. I was okay with that too. There was only one person that I cared for his view of me, and since he couldn't see what I was becoming, it really didn't matter. After graduation Angela left to spend a summer abroad, and I was left alone again.
In the fall that same year I decided to attend college at the University of Washington. It was close enough that I could go see Charlie every other weekend and still put a little bit of distance between us. I knew what Charlie thought of me. He loved me, but thought that I was a little insane for hanging on to the thought that he would ever come back. He had tried to send me to Renee's more times than I could count. I would put my foot down every time. Renee and I had grown apart, and really that was what was best for the both of us. I was already hurting Charlie, I didn't need to drag Renee through hell as well. I talked to her once a month just to touch base with her and Phil, and that worked just fine for all parties involved.
I studied hard, and was on track to have my bachelors' degree in literature within my four years at school. I was hopeful that eventually it would be less painful to think about my life. Knowing what I know now, I was so wrong.
On the eve of my twenty-first birthday the last person I had left in Forks left me. A drunk driver came careening around a corner and hit Charlie while he was making a routine traffic stop. I was in the kitchen when the call came. The hospital wanted me to come down immediately. They didn't tell me what had happened until I got to the hospital. I got there just in time to watch him take his last breathe.
I spent the night in the waiting room of the hospital that night. I didn't want to go home, and I couldn't bring myself to leave that last thing that would tie me to this place. That would tie me to Forks.
In the months that followed I was beyond lost. I was waiting to wake up from this nightmare that my life had become. Charlie had left me the house, which was already paid off and a life insurance policy that he had through the police department. I would be comfortable for awhile even with attending college, but that wouldn't bring him back. It wouldn't bring any of them back. The family that I had lost, Jake, Charlie, they were gone. It was definite.
Billy, Jake, and Haven would check in on me from time to time, but for the most part I pushed them away. Without having anyone to care about I wouldn't have to worry about losing them either.
I graduated in the summer before I turned twenty-three, and subsequently was hired as an English teacher at Forks High School. Renee and Phil had made it to my graduation but went back to Florida within days of the ceremony. They stayed long enough to help me clear out my small apartment and fully move back into Charlie's house.
As soon as they left I found a routine that I took comfort in. Once I started teaching my schedule filled up a little more. I was home a little less, and getting out helped lower my mental chatter. With so much time on my hands it was hard not to think about the bad things that had happened. When I was laying in bed at night was the hardest time of day. The house was so quiet, and I couldn't help but look out through my window and hope that one day he would come back. Sometimes it hurt so much I couldn't breathe.
I had thought about his return many times over the years. The pain that I felt was almost to the point of unbearable. I only allowed myself to think of him when it was late at night and I could mourn his loss without interruption.
I had remained faithful to him, with the exception of my little pink vibrator. I had not lost my virginity, because my intent was always to give him that gift. It wasn't mine to share with anyone else, so I took matters of my needs into my own hands. The thought of someone besides him laying their hands on me made me sick to my stomach.
Angela always came home for most holidays, and she was always ready to set me up with one of Bens' friends. She had married Ben last year, and was ready for me to join them in married bliss. I hated to upset her when I knew that that would never happen. I humored her though, and went on a few double dates with them. Most of the guys were nice, but as I sat at the table looking over at them I would think of anything that I possibly could to compare them to him. It was unfair, but I didn't care.
Angela was very persistent in trying to make me happy again. She and Ben had moved recently to Port Angeles so that they could be close to their families, but without staying in the confines of Forks. I started spending time with them on weekends as well. It was nice to have them around, but I wasn't prepared for what changes would occur within me. I also wasn't prepared for the Friday night that would change things again for me forever.