Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING!!! If I did…Ginny would be dead and Harry would elope with Draco.
This is a angst filled (my first angst!) story with Snape (Serverus) and Lily.
I will write more Draco/Harry later. Tonight perhaps. For now though please make-do with this.
I've always liked Snape. the "Greasy Git" had me always wondering why he was the way he was
and what he was planning (or what was his "secret agenda" was). The man still fascinates me, even though
he is a (dead) fiction character. I have to tell you though I cried FOREVER when I read about Snape's past
and then I cried harder knowing he died! I can only imagine (and guess) at what his true thoughts and
emotions were. As (I hope) you have noticed I am no J.K Rowling so please don't shoot me if I make a
mistake or 2.
I've been meaning to do this fic for awhile. I just never had the time. I caught mono (and a rather
nasty sinus infection) so I've had oodles of time. That means more fanfics for you so you better hope my
spleen's infected (that sounds like a horrible thing to wish upon someone) so I can have another week of
from school (DAMN YOU MATH CLASS!!) so I can keep writing wonderful stories! Now enough of my
ramblings! on to the (wonderful) story…
Summary: Snape muses (broods) over his life with and without Lily
Warnings: spoilers for the last 2 HP books, angst filled and depressing. It made me cry.
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Two girls we swinging on the swings at the park with a small, badly dressed, boy, secretly
watching,. I was that little boy. I watched young Lily and Petunia Evens. Lily's red hair streaked the clear,
blue, summer sky and I wished so badly too be her friend. I wanted her from the minute she first spoke to
me and was kind to me. I didn't realize till years later, I loved her even then. We spent hours together as I
told her of the Magical world that we belonged to. I lied to her though. I told her being a Muggle-born
didn't matter. How was I to know that it played in with our future? I couldn't even imagine.
On the train to Hogwarts, I met the 2 most irritating boys I have ever had the displeasure to know.
James Potter and Sirius Black. I was indifferent towards Remus Lupin for awhile. I hated James Potter from
the moment I saw him. Sirius Black was obnoxious and loud. He was even worse when he opened his mouth
to speak. Still though he could not hold a fraction of the hatred I held for James Potter. When we were
being separated into houses, Lily was a Gryffindor and I a Slytherin. My disappointment only increased
when she sat down next to Sirius Black. It pleased me though when she refused to speak to him. I quickly
made friends in my own house.
The years passed with Lily and I meeting as often as we could. We were still friends and I was
growing even more in love with her everyday and I was starting to realize it. Then there was that fateful day.
The day I uttered that horrible word that I still can't stand to hear. James was picking on me again.
(switch of P.O.V- Snape is now talking to Lily about his past)
He had been more and more since he too had developed a crush on you. That meager crush was nothing
compared to the love I felt, and still feel, for you. Anyways he was picking on me, he levitated me upside
down and threatened to pull off my boxers. Then you came to my rescue. Imagine how I felt! I was
humiliated for being picked on and then, of all people, a GIRL had to rescue me! I was ashamed. I
should've been thankful that you saved me but I was so hurt, embarrassed and angry, I lashed-out at you and
called you that horrible, unforgivable word "Mud-blood". As soon as I said it I regretted it immensely and
immediately. You stopped being my friend and I felt hurt, and crushed and more regretful then you'll ever
imagine! I loved you still! Then when I tried to apologize to you, you asked "You and your friends call
every other Muggle-born that WORD, why am I any different?" I wanted so badly to reply "Because I love
you" but like the coward I am I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. I walked away.
We graduated and went our separate ways, but I continued to love you. I joined the Dark Lord.
You married the man I hated most, the man who continuously humiliated me and who you once call an
"arrogant toe-rag" but you married him. You became Lily Potter. I loved you still. You got pregnant with
his child and the Dark Lord threatened to kill you, your husband, and child. I begged and pleaded with him.
When he refused, I turned to Dumbledore and begged with him. He wasn't kind or sympathetic but he
promised he'd try to keep you safe as long as I spied for him. I agreed. You died anyways. Harry, your son,
lived. For the longest time I hated this child. Not because he stood in the way of the Dark Lord but because
if he had died, you would've lived. I wanted to die to join you. I was so hurt, sad and angry I couldn't see
straight. I was still hopelessly in love with you.
A few years later, I was strolling the Hogwarts Castle as the Potions teacher. I came upon a mirror.
The Mirror of Erised. I looked into it and I saw you. You were smiling and holding the hand of a little girl.
The little girl had black hair and your green eyes. She had your nose, thank god, and her hair looked soft
rather then greasy. I loved her. You were smiling and looking towards the side. A man entered the picture.
He was smiling. I recognized him as a happier version of myself. We held hands and hugged our daughter.
I imagined her name to be Lucia. Serverus, Lily and Lucia Snape smiled at me from the mirror.
I cried and sobbed and banged on the mirror. It wasn't fair! I wanted what was showed in the mirror so
badly it hurt. I felt so torn and hurt I couldn't bear to keep watching. I left the room.
Years later a boy named Harry Potter. I was so prepared to hate him. I thought he'd be as arrogant
as his father and just as horrible too. He was the exact copy of James at first glance but when I looked into
his eyes I only saw you. My heart broke. But when I saw the scar on his forehead my anger returned. Every
time I yelled at or punished him, I could not bear to look him in eye. Then I did a horrible thing. I began to
care for him. He was so like you. He may have looked like his father and have his pranking skills but he was
not arrogant or cruel. He was kind, intelligent, slightly cunning, and had a terrible temper, he reminded me
of you. When Dumbledore told me of how his relatives treated him my heart even went out to him. I showed
no sign of caring for him to him. I hide it behind insults and bad grades. I knew I was hurting him, I knew
he needed the information on potions I could provide (he did not inherit your potion-making skills), but I
shunned him and mocked him as his father did to me. I was cruel and heartless.
The time came for me to kill Dumbledore. I knew it meant the war was starting to rage. I plotted
with the old man and saved Draco the fate of killing his professor. I saved your boy with a silver doe
patronus, it was another reminder of how much I loved you. I played my role well time The Dark
Lord killed me. I didn't expect it and hadn't planned for it but it worked out in the end. I was bleeding and
dying. I let your boy have my memories of you. Then in my final minute I demanded that Harry look at me
so the last thing I would see would be your eyes. I love you and I told you so as I held your hand and
walked into the, painless, brilliance.