Disclaimer: I do NOT own CSI or any characters in it. This is purely for fun.
Rated: T (to be safe)
Words: 3531
I Don't Blame You
Sara's P.O.V
I enter the break-room and pour myself a mug of coffee. Cath, Warrick, Greg and Nick are already there. They all look tired and angry and you could cut the tension with a knife. We're all over half way through a double shift and we're all ready to blow. I take my coffee and sit down next to Nick while waiting for Grissom to arrive and hand out new assignments. When he walks in he has a face like thunder and doesn't bother to look at anybody.
"Cath, you have a D.B at a casino on strip. Warrick, you have a B&E at the mall. Greg you also have a B&E. Missing person for Nick and Sara you have a domestic where a love triangle has turned nasty. The police have left the scene to question neighbours". He says all of this while handing around the details, then he asks "Any questions?"
Nick looks at me then to Griss "Err...Griss? If there are no police on the scene there should be two CSI's going. Shouldn't someone go with Sara?"
I notice Griss turn red with anger. "Fine Nick. You go with Sara and I'll work on your case along with the other twelve cases I'm working on at the moment."
"No Griss it's okay I'll be alright. The police will be there." I speak up to stop Nick's outburst.
"Fine Sara. Go alone. I've tried to help you. If you get into any trouble, don't come crying to me for help." he snaps and walks out. Everyone's just staring after him with their mouths open as I sit there and try not to cry at his hurtful outburst.
"Sara...you okay?" asks Cath.
"Oh yeah, never better." I yell and head towards the locker rooms. I sit down in front of my locker and burst into tears.
Gil and I have been living together for six months now and he's never spoken to me like that. Infact I've never heard him talk to anyone like that. Everyone knows about us being a couple and they're all happy for us. Well...everyone except Conrad Ecklie who often has something unpleasant to say.
As I'm wiping my eyes Cath walks in. "Sara he must be having a bad day. Maybe he has a migraine?" She says soothingly as I wipe away another tear.
"I've never heard him speak to anybody like that before. Never. Oh I don't care I've got to go." I sniff as I walk out. "Later Cath."
I'm on scene half an hour later. There are two officers questioning the neighbours while I'm in the house looking for evidence of who's telling the truth. Is it the husband, the wife or her younger lover? I'm busy collecting finger prints and looking for evidence when I see a blur out of the corner of my eye. Just as I turn around I feel a blow to the back of my head and fall to the ground. I feel piercing blows to my chest and abdomen. The pain is starting to make me feel dizzy but I somehow manage to roll-over and stand up. Just as his fist is about to connect with my face, Jim Brass walks in startling the assailant giving me the chance to hit him. Brass runs over to him and reads him his rights. When he has him out of the house and into the back of a police car he comes back in to check on me. "You okay?" he asks.
"Err...yeah I think so. Listen...don't mention this to Griss okay?"
"What? Why?"
"I don't want him to know."
"Okay but it's got to go in the reports. If he reads them he'll find out but I won't mention it."
I finish up at the scene and head back to the lab. Luckily I'm the only one there and I head towards the locker room. I stand in front of the full length mirror and unbutton my blouse. I'm already badly bruised and swollen and the pain is unbelievable. I feel like I've been hit by a bus and my head's spinning like crazy. I take some pain killers and head back out into the lab. By the time I've documented the evidence and filled out reports I notice that my shifts over and I head home. I'm still in agony and I pray that Grissom's not home. I really should let him know what happened but I'm so mad at him for speaking to me in that tone of voice and for what he said although I know he didn't mean it. I know he'll be devastated if he finds out. I enter the house quietly just incase he's home. When I get to our bedroom I change into jogging bottoms and t-shirt, cursing in pain as I try to lift my arms and bend down. I move slowly onto the bed and curl up to pillow and start to cry. Partly because of the pain and partly because of Grissom. I must have fallen asleep because I wake up two hours later when I hear the front door close and I hear his footsteps as he climbs the stairs. I notice the pain in my body's getting worse and I moan as I roll back over to cuddle into the pillow. I feel him lay on the bed next to me, facing me as I face the window.
"Sara...honey?" he whispers.
I don't answer him. I just lay there and try not to burst into tears. I feel him move slightly as he tries to wrap his arms around. The pain I feel as his arm grazes my waist makes me feel dizzy and I shudder. "Get off me! Don't touch me!" I scream at him, still not moving my position. He pulls away quickly, startled.
"Sara I'm really sorry about the way I spoke to you earlier. You know I didn't mean what I said. I'm really really sorry." he speaks quietly. "I've had Ecklie and the sheriff on my back for two days and I've had the migraine from hell since last night. I know that's no excuse for the way I treated you Sara. I am so sorry."
I shift slightly on the bed and wince in pain. I feel him gently stroke my hair and kiss the back of my head. He tries to wrap his arms around me again and again I yell at him "What part of don't touch me don't you understand? I don't want you to touch me. I don't want you anywhere near me." I slowly stand up and pain shoots through my entire body and I moan out in agony. I can see him looking at me with tears welling up in his eyes, "Sara honey? Are you hurt? What's wrong?" he asks, his voice shaking slightly. I know I should just tell him but I can't get what he said out of my head.
"Nothing. There's nothing wrong with me. It's none of your business" I whisper.
"Sara you're my partner. My life. I have a right to know." he says sternly.
"I'm fine. I just have cramp in my stomach. I think I've been lying in an awkward position. Just...leave me alone Gil." I beg.
"No Sara. You're scaring me."
"Fine." I say as I pull an overnight bag from under the bed while biting back the pain.
"Sara, what are doing?" he asks, his voice shaking a bit more.
"I'm going back to my own apartment. I'm sure Kevin won't mind me taking the spare room for a while." I say, finally letting the tears spill over.
"Sara? You're walking out on me? I've apologised for what I said. What more do you want from me?" he asks softly, letting his tears spill over too.
"You don't get it. You don't know what... Oh forget it. I'm going." I cry.
"Sara...please. Are you coming back?" I hear him ask as I walk out.
I'm driving towards my apartment. I feel sick with pain. The physical and the emotional. The look on his face is playing over in my mind and is breaking my heart. I don't blame him for what happened to me. I know he didn't mean what he said earlier, it just hurt me. I'm just being stubborn and I can't help it. I'm so pleased I rented out my apartment to a friend. I knock on the door and wait for an answer. As soon as Kevin looks at me he pulls me gently into his arms and I start to cry again.
"Sara what's wrong?" he asks softly.
"Nothing. It's just me. It's been one of those days. Can I stay here for a while." I sob.
"Yeah sure. I'm on my way out though. I'm going away for a friends birthday. I can stay here if you'd like?"
"No. No. I'll be fine. As long as you don't mind me being here?" I say trying to add a little enthusiasm into my voice.
"Stay as long as you'd like."
"Where are you off to anyway?" I ask.
"I have no idea." He says as he kisses my head. "Listen...be safe and no wild parties. I'll see you when I get back if you're still here."
"Okay. Have fun!"
"Oh...I will." He laughs as he walks out.
I take my bag into the spare room and walk back to the living. I see the door's still open slightly and walk over to close it. As I lean forwards against the door I feel stabbing pains shooting through my abdomen. I cry out in agony as I collapse to floor. I can't get up but I slowly crawl over to the coffee table and reach for the phone. When the pain becomes too much I let the darkness consume me and blackout.
My eyes flutter open when I feel my hand tingle. I look up and see Grissom. He's stroking my hair and holding my hand. I can see tears rolling down his cheeks and getting lost in his salt and pepper beard.
"Sara honey hold on. There's an ambulance on its way." he whispers. He leans down to kiss me but I turn my head away. I don't deserve his kindness after the way I treated him. I still don't want him to touch me.
"What are you doing here? I don't...want you here".
Just then the paramedics run in. They move Grissom back so that they can work on me. I tell the paramedics not to tell anybody what's wrong with me unless I don't make it. I don't know why I don't want anyone to know. I don't even know. "Oh my God it hurts. Please make it stop." I cry. Everything starts to go blurry and all goes black.
When I awake in the hospital, Grissom is sitting in the chair next to my bed holding my hand tightly. I notice his eyes are red and puffy. He's been crying.
"What happened? Why am I here?" I mumble.
"I don't know Sara. They won't tell me anything. What's the matter with you Sara?" he shouts.
"Get out Gil. Go home please. I don't want you here." I cry.
"I'm not going anywhere Sara. I demand to know what's going on. Right now." he shouts again.
"No. You have no right..." I scream at him and suddenly try to sit up. I see stars and I scream in agony. I fall back against my pillows as the doctor walks in.
"What's going on in here? Miss Sidle you should be resting." speaks the doctor sternly.
"Gil...go home please. I need to speak to the doctor. Alone." I say quietly.
"I'm not going anywhere Sara...I'm..." Gil starts to say but was cut off by the doctor.
"Mr Grissom you're upsetting my patient please leave. Now"
"No."
"NOW!" the doctor shouts.
Gil looks at me with hurt, pain and anger in his eyes and walks out. My heartbreaks.
I pull myself together and the doctor tells me what happened. Apparently when I was attacked I was stabbed with a six inch needle. It broke off and lodged in my uterus causing an instant infection. That's what was causing the immense pain I was in. Luckily the keyhole surgery to remove the needle went well but I may have problems in the future if trying to conceive a child. The doctor checks me over, he tells me to rest and leaves.
Over the next few days I sink deeper and deeper into a depression. My CSI family visit me everyday. Everyone except Grissom. He's taken a few days off work. He says he's fine but nobody's seen him. I try to phone him a few times but it goes on to voice mail. I leave him a message asking him to phone me. But he doesn't.
On day three I'm allowed to go home. I ask Cath to pick me up and drop me off at the house I share with Gil. In the car on the way home she asks me what was wrong with me and I burst out crying and tell her everything. The hurt I felt when Grissom said not to call him if I get into trouble, the attack on scene, the pain, the anger and the pain through my heart the day Grissom left the hospital room. She pulls the car over onto the side of the road while I scream and cry. "Sweetie, you need to tell him what happened to you. He's been worried sick. You know he didn't mean anything he said in the break-room. Do you blame him for what happened?" she asks quietly.
"No I don't blame him. I just can't get those words out my head. I'm so mad at him. He hurt me so much." I cry. We drive the rest of the way in silence. I thank Cath for the ride and head into the house. When I walk through the door I see Gil sitting at his desk with a bottle of scotch in front of him. I head towards the bedroom and decide to pack another bag. Since Gil didn't return any of my calls, which I can't really blame him for, I might as well stop with Kevin for a while. I pull a bag from under the bed and turn towards my dresser and I bump right in to Gil.
"You're not going anywhere Sara. Not until you talk to me." he shouts as he gently grabs hold of my hands.
"Let go of me Gil." I say softly and try to pull my hands away but he grabs tighter.
"No Sara. I love you. I need to know what's wrong. If you're walking out on me I need to know why." he says as he backs me up against the wall.
By now I'm so angry I blow up at him "Okay, you want to know what's wrong? Here goes. That morning in the break-room you really hurt me Gil. You've never spoken to me like that before. I've never heard you speak to anybody like that before. Any idea what it felt like to hear you say that you wouldn't help me if I was trouble? You practically said that you don't love me. You broke my heart Gil. While I was at the crime scene I was attacked. I was hit over the head and repeatedly punched and kicked in the stomach and chest. I was stabbed with a six inch needle which broke and lodged in my uterus. You told me not to call you so I didn't. You can't even begin to imagine the agony I was in. Luckily you found me and sent me to hospital. I had to have surgery which went well. Oh yeah...apart from the fact that I may never be able to conceive a child." I scream at him and rip my blouse open. "Take a look Gil. What do you think? All the bruises and the scar from the surgery. That's what my problem is." I scream at him. I burst out crying and push him away from me.
He looks at me with guilt and sorrow in his eyes and I notice his breathing is way out of control. He takes a few steps back and stutters "I caused...that to happen...to you. It's all my fault. Oh God. Sara I'm...I'm...sorry. I'm so...so...sorry." He clutches his chest and collapses to the floor. He's struggling to breathe. He's having a panic attack. At least I hope that's what it is.
At that moment, when I think for a split second that I might lose him, all of my anger and hurt disappears. All that matters is Gil. I run over to him and move him so he's leaning against the wall. I open the top buttons on his shirt. "Gil...Gil baby look at me. Deep breaths. Take deep breaths." He looks so pale and scared. "Gil...look in my eyes okay. Concentrate on me." I lift his hand and place it over my heart and hold it there. "Focus on your breathing okay. Breathe in time with my heartbeat. I don't blame you Gil. I know you didn't mean what you said. I was just so mad at you. That's why I didn't tell you. I do NOT blame you. Do you understand?"
"But...it was my fault. If I was doing my job properly, there should have been two CSI's at that crime scene. You wouldn't have been hurt if you weren't alone." he cries.
"Gil... listen to me. There were two officers right outside. We've all worked scenes alone before. It's never a big deal. Brass came in and arrested the guy." I tell him, while still trying to calm him down. I place my other hand on his cheek and stroke away his tears.
"Brass knows about this?" he shouts. His breathing is a lot better now.
"No he doesn't know about the attack. I didn't tell him. I didn't want you to know because I knew you'd blame yourself. Brass walked in as he was about to hit me after I'd managed to stand up. Brass startled him giving me the chance to break his nose." I smile a little.
"Sara, because of me you may never have children. How am I supposed to live with myself knowing that I've taken that choice away from you? I've dreamed of us maybe having children one day, but now I've...I've lost you and my dream." he sobs.
Children? He wants children? My heart feels like it's going to burst with joy. I can't believe he's actually thought about our future together. I mean...I'm always thinking about our future but for him to have been thinking about it. That's huge.
"Gil you haven't lost me. I'm not going anywhere. The doctor said that it might take a while to conceive a child but he couldn't find a reason for me not be able to." I tell him as I help him up and guide him to the bed. His breathing is almost normal again. "Gil...I don't blame you. Not one little bit. Please Gil, tell me that you understand. Tell me that you don't blame yourself." I cry.
"I can't tell you that Sara." he whispers.
I lean into him and he wraps his arms around me gently. "Can I kiss you?" I whisper into his ear as tears sting my eyes.
"I don't deserve your kisses Sara." he mumbles as he chokes back a sob.
"Yes you do Gil. You've saved my life in many ways. Thousands of times."
"No Sara. You've saved mine." He whispers.
I lean in and kiss him passionately. I'm so happy when I feel him kiss me back.
"Are we going to be okay? We'll help each other through this?" I ask hopefully.
"Yes. I promise I'll never hurt you again Sara. I promise with my whole heart."
"I love you Gil. I know you'll never hurt me"
"I love you too Sara. So much."
He leans in and kisses me softly as I lie down. His mouth moves down my chest and stomach. He kisses every inch of bruised skin. He moves back to my mouth and we just stay in that position for hours, or what feels like hours, just kissing and exploring each other. His hands gently caressing my body. Just like it was our first night together. We fall asleep nightmare free whilst holding each other and smiling.
We're going to be fine. No, better than fine, we're going to be FANTASTIC.
The End