Disclaimer: I own nothing related to or affiliated with Dead Poets Society. I'm still waiting for someone to hand over Charlie, though. It'd be fantastic if someone could make that happen. I guess I should also mention that even though I would like to, I do not own the Keane song I used for the title.
A/N: I started this as a challenge for myself to keep up with writing. Now that I'm back in school, I don't have as much free time but I got this idea and I just had to write it. This is sort of my baby in terms of projects so I hope you enjoy it as much as I'm enjoying planning it and writing it. As always, reviews are hugely appreciated. Thanks for reading!
It's been an unusually warm winter, even for Florida. The air has been uncomfortably thick and humid. Muggy. Much too hot to be associated with the month of December.
Todd hasn't quite grown accustom to the weather yet but he's willing to admit he likes the change. He likes the relative calm of the area and the sun and the heat. It's oddly comforting, in a way. Almost like the little peninsula is a separate world entirely onto itself, safely tucked away from outside influence.
It's never too cold and Todd likes that. Todd hates the cold. He never has to worry about the possibility that it make snow and he likes that even more. Todd really hates snow.
The sun is beginning to set over the beach and the sky is lit up with vibrant streaks of pink and orange and yellow. The temperature is finally starting to drop a little as the sun does and the wind has picked up, creating an enjoyable chill.
The water lapping at his feet is a little too cold for his liking but he's been standing in it so long, he's simply gotten used to it. His toes are now comfortably numb at the tips and he wiggles them, submerging them farther into the wet sand beneath his bare feet.
The breeze whips his hair around his face while he stares out at the vastness of the ocean in front of him and for a moment, he briefly considers how easy it would be to just slip into it and never resurface but his conscience gives him a stern scolding and the thought immediately vanishes. This is supposed to be a happy place. He's supposed to be relaxing.
A warm hand finds his and a small hint of a smile tugs at Todd's lips as he turns his head to the right to face her, lacing their fingers together.
She looks utterly serene and peaceful against the backdrop of the setting sun but there's an unsettling intensity in her eyes that's completely unfamiliar to him and in the time they've been together, he's gotten pretty good at identifying her thoughts and feelings based on her expressions and slight behavioral quirks. She's very open in every sense of the word and essentially wears her heart on her sleeve. There's not a lot that he doesn't pick up on.
His eyebrows raise in question and she lets a quiet sigh pass between her lips. "You're always so serious, Todd. I don't understand it."
He bristles, dropping her hand immediately. He knows she never does this on purpose and he knows she's driven by innate curiosity to ask questions and try to figure him out but he's beginning to resent her for it.
He wants to be able to tell her things about himself and about his past. He'd like to be able to talk with her about anything really but he can't seem to bring himself to do it. He just can't open up; not to her and certainly not to anyone else. Intimacy scares him and placing trust in others is not an easy thing for him to do.
Todd manages a weak and very forced smile. "Not always," he jests, trying to make light of the situation.
It clearly doesn't amuse her because she crosses her arms and shoots him a very pointed look and this one he is able to understand. He can tell he's upset her. He tends to do that a lot and he knows he must frustrate her but he can't really blame her because he'd be frustrated too.
"Todd," she sighs, wrapping her arms around his neck as leans up on the very tips of her toes to press a kiss to his cheek. "I just want you to talk to me."
He stares down into her eyes for a moment and the way they look, soft and dark and lit up with concern is so haunting and utterly familiar that it makes him feel physically sick. "I-I can't," he admits in a whisper. At the momentary flicker of pain that flashes in her eyes, he quickly backtracks, not having intended to hurt her feelings. "Just n-not now, Natalie."
Hope for the future seems to ease her troubled mind because she nuzzles her nose against his and when she pulls back to look at him again, she's smiling and the sight of that sends a jolt of warmth down his spine. He likes seeing her smile.
"Don't you ever just want to... let go?"
Her question catches him a little off guard and his brows furrow in confusion. "What do you mean?"
Natalie drops her arms from around his neck and shrugs, tucking a stray strand of her short, dark hair behind her ear. "You're so tense all the time. I couldn't ever live like that." Her eyes twinkle as she grins up at him and Todd can't help but laugh because that's exactly what he likes about her.
A true free spirit, she's wild and untamable and often childlike about the way she looks at things. She laughs a lot and seems to always have something to smile about no matter what's going in her life. She's such a vibrant ball of warmth and light and positive energy that she could put the sun to shame and she's so irrevocably charming, he can't resist bending to her every whim- no matter how silly it may be.
Todd knows he's so drawn to her simply because she reminds him of him but he's not too ashamed to admit that- even if it's only too himself- because she's what he wants and more importantly, she's exactly what he needs.
"What do you want me to do about it?"
She considers her response for a moment before taking his hand again. She takes a few little lithe steps backwards, extending his arm out in the process. Natalie shoots him a coy smile before moving forward again, twirling herself right back into his arms.
"I want you to dance with me," she whispers, brushing her lips along the shell of his ear.
Todd's eyes grow wide in surprise and he can already feel the blush beginning to rise in his cheeks. "H-Here?"
Natalie giggles, pressing a peck of a kiss to his lips. "Right here."
Before he can protest, or even think of it, she's let go of him again and has taken off down the beach, kicking up sprays of water and sand and the hem of her pretty white dress. She seems to be immune to the looks she gets as she twirls around, laughing and moving her feet to the unheard rhythm in her head.
Todd clears his throat and jams his hands into his pockets, ducking his head and staring down at the sand in an attempt to hide from the unwanted attention. "We're in public," he grouses.
She turns her head to look at him and simply shrugs. "So what?"
He lifts his head again and his eyes narrow a little on their own accord. "So..." He sighs heavily. "So people are looking at you."
Natalie seems completely un-phased as she continues to dance, giving another shrug of her shoulders. "Who cares?"
Todd can't respond. He wants to but he just physically cannot do it- he's at a literal loss for words. He can't fathom a reason to explain why he cares that people are looking at them or why he was embarrassed to associate himself with Natalie at that particular moment. He doesn't know why he cares about what people think of him or why he's let that stand in his way his entire life.
Because in that moment, he doesn't care. For the first time in his life, he feels completely unburdened and open and free.
He takes a hesitant step forward and his heart nearly melts when he sees the smile she gives him. This is progress. Real and actual progress and he can feel his fears and insecurities vanish in the blink of an eye as he begins to move his feet. His movements are a little clumsy at first- awkward and uncoordinated- but he slowly gets a feel for the steps and they get smoother.
There's a look of sheer joy on Natalie's face as he pulls her into his arms to spin her around and he's ecstatic to know he put it there. He doesn't have a word powerful enough to express his gratitude towards her for what she's doing to him and the person she's turning him into.
Todd imagines that he would have broken him out of his shell had things turned out differently. He often thought about how happy they could have been together and what a different person he would be now. Stronger, of course. Confident. He would have been a successful writer by now rather than a struggling, vagrant one shacking up in a tiny apartment in Key West. He'd be constantly happy instead of just being happy once in awhile because he would never have given him a reason to feel anything else.
He'd had dreams for them and they were cruelly taken away from him but as he swiftly dips Natalie backwards, their eyes lock and a new set of dreams begin to fill his head.
She's not Neil and she never will be. She'll never take his place- never even come close to it- but he's slowly made room for her. He's fallen in love with her and he wants nothing more than to do this for the rest of his life. She's been dancing with him since they met- supporting him, knocking him down and picking him up and weathering the bumps in the road without one single complaint.
She's too good for him and she treats him better than she should and he loves her for it.
He lifts her back up and flattens his palm against the small of her back, pressing her body firmly against his. He buries his face in her sweet-smelling hair as he holds her, grounding himself against the sudden tilt of his world. He's scared to death about what loving her means but his heart is pounding with fervent excitement at the same time.
"Todd?" she asks, her voice slightly muffled around the linen fabric of his shirt.
He pulls back far enough to look down at her and he can't stop the grin that spreads across his face. "I love you," he confesses in a rush. "I love you."
Natalie's mouth falls open and she's silent for several moments as her eyes search his. "Y-You love me?" She laughs and throws her arms around his neck, kissing him firmly on the lips. He teeters unsteadily on his feet for a moment before he gets his balance and kisses her back, threading his fingers through her hair and tangling them into the strands.
When he pulls back a few moments later, he chuckles breathlessly and presses a kiss to her forehead. "I do. I love you very much."
She places her hand on his cheek and gently rubs her thumb across his skin, a bright smile lighting up her face. "I love you too, Todd."
He ends up blushing again as a couple standing few feet away from them breaks into light applause and he pulls Natalie closer, leaning in for another kiss.
She places her fingers against his lips to stop him and her mouth curves up into a smirk, her eyes twinkling mischievously. "We're in public," she teases. "People are looking at you."
Todd smirks as well and simply shrugs. "Who cares?" And as he kisses her again, a burst of accomplishment surges through him when he realizes he truly means that.
He's an entirely different person now and when he leads her back to the tiny apartment they share later or, the last of his resolve finally cracks and his walls come tumbling down. He's not afraid for her to see him cry when he breaks down about Neil and he's not embarrassed to admit that he'd loved him or that he still loves him and misses him and that he always will. He doesn't shy away from her comforting touch and the sympathies she whispers into his ear as he sobs against her shoulder.
The past no longer weighs heavy on his mind and when he crawls into bed with Natalie and she snuggles into his side and lays her head on his chest, the future starts to seem incredibly bright.