Fault
NOTES: Dunno where this idea came from, but I couldn't get it outta my head.
DISCLAIMER: Not mine.
SETTINGS: Post 'The Gift'.
SUMMARY: People's POV's after Buffy dies. No 'shipping. Minor B/A.
ANOTHER NOTER: Tremendously bleak. It came about because of part five actually. Tara's POV. But then I couldn't get the others outta my head either, so…it's kind of all very depressing.
ONWARDS:
ONE: DAWN
You know that feeling in your throat that you get when you're just so fricken upset about something. Y'know that one that I'm talking about. That feeling that you get where you can't breathe and you can't swallow, and you can't even think because if you start thinking then you're mind just goes to all sorts of weird places and then your thoughts just start getting all circular, and then you just start…see? Rambling.
I feel like…I feel like…nothing. There's nothing there.
She's…Bu…she…god, I can't even think it.
She's dead.
There. It's done. She's…she's dead. And…and I was the one that…I killed her. I killed my sister.
If the ritual hadn't have started…if I'd never been given to Buffy to protect, then…then she wouldn't be dea,d and I would still have a sister. Well, no I wouldn't, would I? Cos if I'd never have been given to Buffy, then I wouldn't be here. But she'd be alive, and Glory would…Glory would…damn. I don't even know what would have happened.
But it's my fault. She jumped so I wouldn't have to. She jumped to stop me from dying. Someone who didn't even exist. Someone who…
When we were growing up…well, when she was growing up, and I just remember it…and…god this is confusing.
When we were growing up, we were really close. Mom and dad always fought and I'd hide out in Buffy's room, and she's read to me or play 'pretend' and she always made me feel so special.
She'd run her hands through my hair and call me Dawnie and Munchkin and I knew that she loved me.
Then when all the Slayer crap started, she forgot about me, and we started fighting cos….cos she wasn't spending enough time with me. I didn't find out about the Slayer thing until we got to Sunnydale. I found out I saw Angel vamp out after that psycho chick in the Catholic school girl outfit bit mom. Buffy had to try and explain it to me. I was eleven and terrified, but…I trusted that Buffy would protect me from the monsters.
After I found out, things got better between us. It was great, y'know. We were getting on so much better, and I could totally blackmail her into letting me borrow her clothes and stuff so that mom never found out about the slaying.
And then…well, we found out that I wasn't real. That I'd been sent to Buffy. It's kinda weird when you think about it…I was made out of Buffy. Not out of mom and dad, if you can even call him that. But I was made out of Buffy. Gotta wonder how I didn't get any Slayer strength. Sucks though.
But…god I wish she was here. It's been ten hours since…since…since she died. And…and it hurts so bad. I didn't think anything could hurt as bad as when mom died last month, but…this hurts worse. And I dunno if it's cos I've got no family left, or if it's because I was closer to Buffy or something, but…but it feels like a part of me is missing.
She…she dies for me. She's dead because of me.
It's my fault.
~*~
TWO: WILLOW
You're my big gun.
I…she…I….
Oh goddess.
I can't do this. I can't. She…my best friend…she.
She's dead. There, I said it, are you happy? I know I have to accept it, but…but do I have to accept it so damn soon?
She…she died. To save Dawnie. Oh god, little Dawnie. I…I can't think. I can't breathe. I…I…I need Buffy, she…she…she was counting on us. On me. She was counting on me to get Glory on the ropes.
We were so close too. We nearly…but then that creepy little demon Doc guy was up there and…and…
She jumped.
And she…she looked so damn beautiful lying there. No bruises, no blood stains. Just Buffy. And…hello, gay now, of course I know she's beautiful. She always was, and…I mean, of course I was at5tracted, but…she's my best friend.
Was. Was my best friend. Oh goddess…past tense. Was. I…I hafta get used to that.
She…she was the first real girlfriend I ever had. I mean, not in a gay way of course. But...Xander and Jesse were great and all, but…I'd never had a confidante. I'd never had a chum, a buddy, a kindred spirit. She gave up the popular group to socialise with me.
She…she gave up the Box of Gavrok…the one thing that could have stopped the Mayor from ascending, so that I wouldn't be killed.
I've never had a friend like Buffy before. I never will again. There's no one like her. Never was and never will be again, and…god, why did it have to be her?!
I…I mean, not that I wanted it to be Dawnie, but…why did it have to be anyone?
None of us were prepared for this. We…we're Scoobies, so of course we know the sacrifices, but this…this is just…this is just the worst thing that's ever happened to us.
We've lost people to death before. Jesse, Jenny, Angel, Joyce…but nothing could have prepared us for this.
And…and I think, no…I know I could have done more. I could have…I could have…well, I don't know what I could have dne specifically, but I could have done something. I could have tried to weaken Glory even more. I could have tried a levitation spell on that stupid demon that cut Dawnie. I could have…
I could've told Buffy I loved her more often. I only ever said it to her once. Once in five years. That's…that's nothing. I could've given her a hug one last time…the last time I hugged her was…was when her mother died. And…before that, I can't even remember when the last time was.
I…I can't believe she's gone. All because I didn't move faster. I didn't do more. I was her big gun and I completely failed her. She's…she'd dead.
And it's my fault.
~*~
THREE: GILES
I…I always thought I'd be the one to go first. I've…I've often had nightmares of what it would be like. Burying her. My Slayer. My daughter. My Buffy.
The nightmare world doesn't even come close to the horror that is the reality of it all. She's dead and…it hurts. Tremendously. There aren't any words that can even express how terrible the feeling inside is.
Looking around the room, I can tell that everyone else is in their own world of pain right now. And I cannot help but blame myself for everything that happened.
I hate that she is dead. I hate even more that…that she died when our last words with each other were so hurtful. You'll fail. You'll die. We all will.
I only got one third of that statement correct and…and it is so incredibly painful. She didn't fail. And we didn't die. But she did. She is dead, and…and the rest of us must carry on.
Every Watcher knows that a Slayer is destined for one thing and one thing only. Death. Death is all that can ever happen to a Slayer. It's what they bring, what they live. It's what keeps them going, and gives them purpose. And it was what so many of them unconsciously seek out. And I know that my Slayer was beginning to seek it out.
Her purpose was slipping, and I fear that I did nothing to help her in that regard. I should have been more attentive to her. Should have helped her to find her spark of brightness in a world filled with darkness.
I should have been a better Watcher. I should have done so much better with her. She should not have died. At all. Ever.
I wanted for Buffy to be the first Slayer to ever reach retirement. I wanted for her to have children. I wanted for her to be happy and normal and…and for her to grow up into the woman that she was starting to become.
And now she won't. Because I wasn't a better Watcher. Because I did as every other Watcher before me has done.
I got my Slayer killed in battle.
We won the battle against Glory, and yet…yet we paid the most horrible price. We've lost others before, but…never have we lost the person that united us from the beginning. It was too high a price to pay.
And I cannot help but wonder if Buffy would have been better off without me. If she could have done this better without some of the guidance I gave. I told her to kill her sister. And looking at Dawn, huddled on the couch in Willow's arms makes me feel tremendous guilt for even suggesting it, but…I did it. I told Buffy to kill the one thing she loves most in the world.
She loves Dawn more than the Scoobies, more than Angel, more than me. Dawn was her reason. And I told my Slayer to kill her reason. And now my Slayer it dead. Because of me.
It's my fault.
~*~
FOUR: SPIKE
I shoulda been faster. Quicker. Smarter. Shoulda been up that tower before bloody Doc could even think about getting his paws into my nibblet.
William the Bloody losing against some lame arse demon. William the Bloody Pathetic is more like it.
Slayer…Buffy…she gave me one thing to do.
I'm counting on you. To protect her.
I gave her my word. I made a promise to a lady, and…and I didn't keep it. Doc cut open my nibblet and the portal opened. The portal bloody opened, and…and all I could do was lie on a pile of bricks, my leg broken and the wind knocked outta me.
Ground was all shakin' and…and it was the end of the world as we know. But I didn't feel fine. Bloody end of the world, and it was my fault.
You'd think, what with me being a demon and all that, that I woulda been damn proud of ending the world. But I remember a time a few years back when I helped the Slayer save the world. Gave her some soddin excuse about Manchester United and dog racing. But I do like this world.
And it was bloody gonna end, cos I was bleedin' incompetent. One job. One thing I was meant to do, and…and I failed miserably.
And I knew that Buffy was gonna kick my arse for not protecting the nibblet, cos…cos I knew that platelet wasn't about to let the whole soddin planet just die cos of her. She's a Summers' girl after all. And they're no welshers. I knew that my littlun was gonna go through with it.
O'course, I shoulda seen it comin'. Like the Slayer was gonna let her little sis' jump into some mystical portal to who knows where. And being the bloody hero that she is…she jumped.
My Slayer…well, not mine. I know that she's Peaches, but…that's just a minor technicality. She jumped.
Did this magnificent bloody swan dive that woulda left some of the Olympic divers jealous. She died a hero. She died a Slayer. She…she died.
She died cos I failed. Cos I couldn't save Dawn. Cos Dawn was cut by a demon that I couldn't kill.
She died cos of my.
It's my fault.
~*~
FIVE: TARA
I've lost people in my life before. A few times actually. My momma. My grandda, and grandma. And now there's another name to add to the ever-growing list of people that I've loved who have died.
Buffy Summers.
Vampire Slayer.
College Student.
Beloved Daughter.
Devoted Friend.
I've never seen the Scoobies this…this…shattered is really the only word that can even come close to what this is. There's silence, except for sniffling, hitched intakes of breath, and the occasional blowing of noses.
Everyone's trying to be strong, but…but how can we be, when out tower fo strength is gone.
I remember everything from when Glory messed with my mind. I remember every single thing I did, every word, every action, ever thought.
I remember hitting my beloved Willow.
I remember opening the curtain on the Winnebago and burning Spike's hand.
I remember pointing to Giles and calling him a killer.
I remember leading the Scoobies to the tower that Glory needed to open the portal.
I remember just before Glory did it, I resolutely refused to give up the secret that was held amongst the Scoobies. I knew she was probably going to kill me for it, but I would never tell Glory that the Key was Dawn. I couldn't do that, not even to save myself.
But the absolute worst thing that I remember is when Glory completely tore off the wall to my dorm room. We didn't think that Glory knew where we were hiding out, but we were wrong. The walls came crumbling down and the sunshine came onto the four of us. Willow, me, Buffy and Dawnie.
Little Dawnie, who shone so bright, a beautiful emerald green that was so beautiful to look out. I wanted to share that beauty with my beautiful Willow.
Oh it's so pure. Such pure green energy!
I remember the smile that Glory had on her face. I remember the sheer look of horror that came to Buffy's face. I remember the look of fear and panic on Dawnie's face.
It's ironic in a way. The reason that Glory messed with my brain was because I wouldn't tell her who the Key was, and because of her messing with my brain, I told her the secret that I had sworn an oath to keep. My sickness betrayed Dawn, and it was because I wouldn't betray Dawn that I was sick.
Glory found her Key because of me.
Glory took Dawn because she knew who the Key was.
The Key began opening the portal and the only way to stop the portal from destroying the world was to end the flow of blood. Of Summers' blood.
Dawnie or Buffy.
And Buffy was given the Key to protect, and with every last fibre of her being, she did that.
She died for the Key. For Dawn.
Because Glory knew that Dawn was the Key. And she knew that because of me. Buffy is dead because I told Glory exactly what she wanted to know.
And that it was the guilt that I now have to live with.
Buffy's dead.
And it's my fault.
END
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Boy isn't that a fun little piece.
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