The Misadventures of a Variety of Harry Potter Characters, and a Stuffed Unicorn Named Ted

Hermione Granger, bookworm and know-it-all extraordinaire, walked tranquilly into the Great Hall. She stopped suddenly, sniffing the air. Her eyes widened in fear.

"Ack! Smoke! I smell smoke!" She shrieked.

Across the hall, Crabbe poked Goyle, and pointed a petrified Hermione.

'By Jove, Goyle, I do believe that Miss Hermione Granger smells smoke."

"It would seem so, Crabbe, it would seem so..." Goyle nodded wisely.

Hermione, meanwhile, was fighting the urge to run away, screaming loudly. Alas, Hermione did not have the best self-control, and so, she sprinted through the Great Hall, crying that the British were coming. Ginny, thinking this was a new game her friend had invented, joined Hermione in her antics. Ginny soon grew bored with simply running and screaming, and began throwing passing house elves instead. This caught Hermione's attention. All thoughts of smoke had vanished, replaced by the frenzy of a mother duck.

"Cruelty to house elves! You shall die! Cruelty to house elves! You shall die!" She chanted, chasing Ginny with a fork. Ginny shrieked, and tore towards the nearest exit. She reached for the handle, and the door flew open suddenly. She darted through the opening, and promptly crashed into a startled Ron.

"Hi Ron!" Ginny chirped, scrambling off of him. "Gotta go!"

"Die, die, d–" Hermione skidded to a halt at the sight of Ron.

"Hi Ron!" She fluffed her hair, and adjusted her mussed skirt. Ginny took the opportune moment to make herself scarce.

"Hi, 'Mione." Ron's ears blazed red as Hermione stepped forward, and adjusted his tie.

"Oh, Ron." She whispered passionately.

"Oh, Hermione." He whispered back.

"Oh, Ron."

"Oh, Hermione."

Ginny popped up, and began shooing wide-eyed first years away from the occupied couple.

"Nothing to see here… Nothing to see here…" She herded the previously innocent students outside.

"Ron. Psst. Ron!" She whispered loudly. He ignored her. She sighed dramatically, and stomped over to the lip-happy couple.

"We should really move this shin-dig while it's still PG." She said, nervously eyeing a suspicious-looking prefect. Ron kicked her.

"Owie." She pouted. Realizing she had no other option, she grabbed both Ron and Hermione, and dragged them off to the dungeons.

Ginny was sitting in Snape's secret snogging closet, playing with her pink, stuffed unicorn named Ted, whose masculinity was being questioned by a large, sparkly ribbon. Hermione, and Ron, meanwhile, sat snogging contentedly in a corner, oblivious to the battle being waged over Ted's self-esteem. Suddenly, Hermione realized that she still smelled smoke! She had to warn Ron!

"Ron! I smell smoke!" She cried. Or, at least, she attempted to. It came out as "Oon! Ah glargh smoooock!", because it is rather hard to enunciate while your lips are in a deadlock with someone else's.

Ron broke away, and looked at Hermione quizzically. Hermione glared at him.

"Ron! This is no time to start gazing romantically into each other's eyes! We have to go!"

Hermione grabbed his hand, and raced towards Ginny, forcing her to leave Ted on the closet floor. The three sprinted out of the potions room, and raced down the corridor. Suddenly, Ginny's eyes widened, and she skidded to a halt.

"Oh no!" She yelped. "We left Ted behind! Man down! Man down!"

She turned around and began to hurry back to where her fluffy friend lay on the floor. And then the Potions room imploded, and Ted along with it.

"No! Ted!" Ginny shrieked.

Hermione and Ron resumed snogging.

After a moment of silence in memory of her beloved stuffed animal, Ginny whipped out a fashionable black ski mask from the front of her shirt.

"I'm going to break into Gringotts," she whispered, "and steal money so I can buy a new unicorn, whom I shall name Ted's Revenge!"

And with that, she skipped down the corridor, and out of Hogwarts.

"Ahh-h-h-h!"

Crash

"Ahhh-h-h-h-h!"

Crash

Tinkle

"Ahh-h-h-h!"

Ginny was attempting, unsuccessfully, to create a hole in Gringotts with her head. As you can imagine, this wasn't working as well as she'd hoped. She sat back, and stared at the wall. Slowly, a nefarious plan began to formulate. Suction cups and fluffy bunnies flashed before her eyes, and she grinned evilly. She leaped up, and raced off to find Lord Voldemort's Supervillian Supply Store for her necessary supplies.

Ten minutes and forty-two seconds later, Ginny stood yet again before the impenetrable stone wall. She laughed evilly as she attached suction cups to various, random parts of her body, picked up the two cages filled with innocent bunnies, and tried to walk towards Gringotts. Emphasize on the word tried. The suction cups on her feet worked a little too well, and she was stuck to the ground.

"Hermione! Ron!" Ginny screamed. "Help!"

Far away, in the potion corridor, Ron and Hermione paused from their passionate kissing.

"Did you hear something?" Hermione asked, looking confused. Ron shook his head, shrugging, and they resumed kissing.

Ginny was getting tired of just standing there. She pushed the button on her brand-spanking-new-evil-Hello-Kitty belt. A rappel slid out, and shot towards the wall. With a hard jerk, Ginny flew towards the wall. The bunnies in their cages didn't even have time to frantically wriggle their tails before they, along with Ginny, collided painfully with the wall.

"Ow…" Ginny whimpered. The bunnies squeaked feebly, and dissolved into a nervous, shivering wreck.

Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione had tired of passionate kissing, and had taken up playing the gloriously exciting game of Jacks. The winner had to start passionately kissing the loser. All in all, it was a very exciting game. But enough about them and their raging hormones… let's get back to that thrilling back robbery!

Ginny reached for her odd, muggle contraption called a cell-y-phone-y, which has just been randomly placed in this story by the sugar-induced authoress! Anyways, Ginny realized with mounting horror that she couldn't call Hermione without dropping the bunnies! Oh no! Whatever shall happen next?! A muggle-loving, unicorn-riding Voldemort's, perhaps? A sudden lecture on what happens in drinking to much fire whiskey in one gulp? Oh wait, dear readers! It's so much better! Who should come around the corner but the Dark Lord himself, skipping hand in hand with Harry Potter; both of them singing a song about fire whiskey on a wall! And is that really what happens next in the storyline? No, dear children, this is called sarcasm.

The authoress looks thoughtful.

"I wonder what's for lunch?" She begins to wander off when Ron, Hermione and Ginny pop up.

"FINISH THE BLOODY STORY!!"

The authoress raises her hands in surrender.

"All right, all right! Keep your ties on!"

Now, when we last left our red-headed heroine, she was thinking harder than she'd every thought before… Whilst humming the Mission Impossible theme song. Then, her face lit up. She would dial her cell-y-phone-y… WITH HER NOSE! YES! She leaned forwards, and began pressing buttons…

The Teletubbies theme song rang through Snape's occupied snogging corridor. Hermione accidentally dropped a jack, losing the game. Ron gave her an air kiss as she fumbled for her cell phone.

"What?" She snapped impatiently into the speaking… end… thingy. "You just interrupted my very important game of jacks to tell me that you're stuck on a bank wall? Well, I don't care if you…" She listened intently. "What? Five innocent bunnies are stuck up there with you?! I'M COMING, BUNNIES!!"

Hermione snapped her phone shut, and turned to Ron.

"It's show time."

They both put on dark-tinted sunglasses, and bounded away.

Meanwhile, Ginny would have been hanging there quite peacefully if not for the fact that the bunny cages were slowly slipping from her hands. And then… it happened. The suction cups gave way, and Ginny plummeted to the ground, screaming loudly. Fortunately for her, she landed on something soft that made a funny noise when she landed on it. Ginny rolled over, and grinned brightly at the person beneath her.

"Hi Ron!"

Ron groaned loudly. Ginny kept chattering away mindlessly. Suddenly, she gasped.

"Oh no! Where are the bunnies?!"

Before Ginny went into severe panic mode, Hermione stepped out of the shadows, holding the bunny cages. Ginny squealed, and ran towards her cuddly friends.

"Frederick Snitchellez! You're safe!"

Ron and Hermione stared at her.

"Huh?" Ron asked intelligently. Ginny gazed happily at her bunnies.

"See, I named them! This one's Snuffles, that one's George, who just happens to be next to Boo and Lou, and this one's Frederick Snitchellez the First!" She held up the unfortunate bunny proudly. Hermione stared at her, perplexed.

"Okay… well, then." She and Ron began to inch away from the preoccupied red-head.

"Not so fast!" Ginny smiled evilly. "I have some plans for you two…"

Oh no! Whatever shall become of Ron and Hermione?! Will Ginny actually break into the bank? And which came first, the chicken, or the egg?! Stay tuned for the next chapter! And… REVIEW!