Sara sat still at the kitchen, her mind scanning through all house hold items that might reach the itch buried underneath the full length cast that covered her left arm. Damn this hot weather, she thought. The humidity causing her cast to get uncomfortable. She didn't want to think about the germs that were growing and multiplying in there, causing her itch. She decided it was useless, she would have to find something to distract her instead. She couldn't wait until she was back at work, she felt her brain cells were dying from lack of use as at the moment the only thing Grissom would allow her to contemplate was what she wanted him to cook her for dinner. The tendons in her casted forearm felt as if they had shortened from lack of use and she found it hard to open her left hand fully. She seemed to do nothing but sleep these days, she wasnt sure if it was her pain medication or just her body recovering, maybe both but it meant she and Grissom has seen less and less of eachother. Him trying to make up for her absence at the lab and her too tired to wait up for him. That was just the state of her physical being. Her mental well being had taken a serious blow.
Everytime she closed her eyes she saw Natalie, everytime she was in silence she heard Natalie call her name and each time she was alone as it went dark she could feel that car creaking over her, she could smell the saturated dirt underneath her and she could feel the freezing rain water filling her lungs. Each night she was woken with a start after a nightmare, leaving her mind trying to fight her exhaustion while her brain was telling her to sleep to speed up the healing process. Needless to say she looked awful so she stopped leaving the house. When Grissom came home she forced a smile and forced conversation between them, as if nothing was wrong. And she wanted to believe that he didnt suspect a thing. But she could feel him looking at her with pitiful eyes when she wasn't looking, he must feel her jump and hear her heaving for breath when she wakes from her night terrors. He must feel the damp sheets from her night sweats. He must notice she has yet to eat a full meal he has prepared her. He must see her weight loss, the bags under her eyes, her constantly watching daytime television to keep her mind off of her own life. She knew he must notice all this, so why wouldn't he fix her?
She wanted him to pick her up, heal her, clear her memory of that terrible night and go back to how they used to be. Why wouldnt he help her?
Sara's eyes sprung open and she became aware of her own presence in the lounge, she sat up and tucked her legs underneath her as she heard the familiar car door shut, followed by foot steps up the path and the jingle of keys in the door, followed by the obligatory whimpers of Hank. Grissom entered, whispering a greeting to the dog before seeing Sara was awake.
"Hey, I thought you'd be asleep." He leant over the back of the couch to kiss her head, before making his way into the kitchen.
"Im not.." she spoke quietly enough for him not to hear her.
"Do you need anything?" He called from the kitchen, when he was met with silence he popped his head out of the door to see her staring into space. "Sara?" He called a little louder than he meant to, making her jump a foot off the couch. Her hand immediately touching her chest over her heart, feeling the pounding beneath her fingers.
"You dont have to shout." She whispered breathlessly.
"Im sorry I didnt mean.. Do you need anything to eat? Drink?" She shook her head, annoyed with her reflex action to a raised voice. I need you to fix me Grissom, she thought.
He came to sit beside her and she leant into him, she wanted to tell him she was ready to be fixed now. He could go ahead and change her back to normal, if only it was that simple.
"Gil?" She whispered as he flicked through channels. He put her arm around her and turned to look at her. "I'm ready now." His brows knitted and he did a brief shake of his head, at a loss of what he meant.
After a moments pause he spoke,"For what, Honey?"
"I'm ready for you to make everything okay now." A tear ran down her cheek. " I want you to help me go back to normal again. I want to sleep, eat, work. I just want everything to go back to how it was." She said tearfully, no energy to shout or cry.
"I wish I could, I want more than anything to fix everything for you. But its something we need to do together. You need time to heal, both inside and out." Her head dropped into her hand, it was the answer she expected. Gil was rational, he knew this mental damage couldnt be fixed over night, but still it wasnt what she wanted to hear. Gil lay her down on the sofa and lay next to her, trapping her between the back of the sofa and his solid frame. She looked exhausted as she looked him in the eye, tears rolling down her cheeks. She wasnt in control of her emotions and it not only made her mad, it made her helpless.
He wiped her tears away and blinked back his own, he didnt know what to do, what to say. He was never good with words, especially at times like this. He wished he could fix it but his gut feeling was that he was going to lose her.