Disclaimer: I own almost none of the characters, except for the obvious ones of whom you have never heard. But you do not have to worry about them until later.

Author's Note: I have encountered, in all my lurks, some very... er, interesting fanfics. So here's my own. Consider it what you will.

aRt3m1s F0wLols: Teh Fnanfic Busrt

Artemis woke up in his bed in Fowl Manor, wearily rubbing his eyes. What had happened? It was quite unusual for the gifted young man to forget something…anything, really. When odd stuff like this happened, Artemis tended to do two things: switch to a meditative state, and call up the fairies.

As Artemis closed his eyes and relaxed his massively overworked brain, he switched on his small fairy communicator. Simultaneously, two more things happened. Well, several things, really.

First, Butler burst through the door, and Holly appeared at the window. And then, Opal Koboi's face appeared on the communicator. She seemed to be sitting on… Foaly? Next to Mulch.

"Is this some kind of joke?" asked Artemis. "I do not have much experience with this type of thing, you know."

"The CFM broke, Artemis!" shrieked Juliet, who stuck her head up from the duvet cover next to Artemis. The boy stared. "Where did you come from?"

Juliet rolled his eyes and was about to snap back with some witty comment about boy genii never receiving "the Talk," when Holly cut in. "I think that was from a Artiet fic. They're pretty rare, so we know that this is a real problem." Suddenly, Holly swooped in through the open window (her wings had suddenly appeared—plot hole!) and began to passionately kiss Artemis.

"What the—!" snapped Artemis, shoving the OOC off of him. Holly wiped the strawberry jam off her lips and said, "Sorry, that must be another fanfic swooping through. Look." She pointed through the window.

Butler (who had remained the tall, bald, and silent type for now), Juliet, Holly, and Artemis all dashed towards the window as random stories sailed past their ears.

"XtRuExLoVeXaTxLaStX!"

"Where the Hartemis Is!"

"Butler's Secret: Big Slash! XXX"

"… the hell?" said Artemis, only having barely enough foresight to duck as the fanfic nearly hit him in the head. Unfortunately, the monstrous thing hit Butler, and the massive bodyguard dove towards Artemis, arms outstretched.

"Dear God, a run-on sentence," shrieked Opal and Foaly from Artemis' communicator. The boy glared down at them. "Would someone care to explain what's going on?" he asked rather less-than-politely.

Opal sniggered unpleasantly. "As your clever she-Butler shrieked mere sentences ago, the Crap Fanfic Meter has broken. And behind it is none other than I! Opal Koboi!"

"Ew," said Holly, staring at the overuse of text effects.
"Furthermore," continued the narcissistic pixie, "I have captured and am holding for ransom Foaly and Mulch. Unless you give me… hmm, let's see, twelve billion British pounds, I will shove these two into the broken CFM and lock it up! However, most of the crap fic will have wreaked their havoc by then, and damage will have been done! However," continued the narcissistic (and seemingly repetitive) pixie, "If you do pay me in six following chapters, I shall fix the CFM and all will be well. Except for the fact that I will use the money to buy the world's nuclear weapons. Oh, and by the way, I am having Foaly's baby."

The communicator switched off, and left the famous foursome simply staring at the small screen.

"Oh no," sighed Holly. "This author likes alliteration."

"How did that happen?" mused Artemis. "I mean Opal having Foaly's baby?"

"She must have been hit with a couple of really strong fics when she broke the CFM," said Butler. He seemed to have recovered from his brief slash phase and was using his Sidekick to track down his connections in Zurich, Berlin, and Hong Kong. "Where to, first, Master Artemis?"

"Let us shut the window first, old friend," said Artemis, snapping out of his reverie. The four of them had to combine strength against the force of the fanfictions to shut the window. After a couple of remaining fics frantically zoomed out of the room, then fading out of sight, Juliet sighed in relief.

"Okay, what's the plan, Artemis?" she murmured.

"Let me get this straight," Artemis said. "We are no longer in our usual novels, having our usual adventures. We are in the world of FanFiction, dealing with the plots of a deranged pixie and even more deranged fan authors."

"Yes," said the other three simultaneously. At least, they tried to, except that they were in a threesome.

"Really!" exclaimed Artemis, looking around for the crap fanfiction zooming around somewhere. He finally found it hiding under Butler's left ear. It looked like a sulky female teenager, about three inches high and with wings, wearing a T-Shirt that read, "Protector's Love: Those Around Artemis."

"That's disgusting," Artemis said, dumping the fic into his incinerator. The fic became flamed, and sank into the oblivion of Unpopular Fanfiction. Artemis watched as his three friends bashfully disentangled themselves.

"Sorry, Arty," said Holly, wiping Juliet's black lipstick from her eyebrow.

"That's all right, but we need to be more careful next time if we want to get Foaly and Mulch back—"

"Not to mention stop this nonsense," added Juliet.

"Right. Now, I have a plan…."

The dreaded cliffie apparently escaped from the CFM, too! Before all you-know-what breaks loose, read and review, please!