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Take Two To Tango
So maybe I got dis lil' touch o' bein' a hopeless romantic. Is dat so wrong? Just to want a lil' mo' o' dat ol' world charm in de cold halls o' de X-mansion, n'est pas?
"Ain't no way in hell, Gumbo. I think the Romeo tights you wear under that trench coat are cuttin' off circulation."
"Merci, but let me ask you dis question again, an' try to pretend dat yo' an optimist underneat' all dat gruffness. Do you t'ink it'll work?"
Wolvie put a hand up ta his chin, lookin' almost pensive behind dem sharp blue eyes o' his. He looked back square at yours truly an' den said, "Ain't no way in hell, Gumbo."
I guess I should give my audience de set up. I was mindin' my own business up in Westchester when I noticed Jub'lee puttin' up some posters in de hall. I went up ta ask her if she needed a hand, just like de kind, considerin' gentlemen dat I always have been.
"Not on me, swamp breath."
"You jus' tryin' ta butter me up. What all dese posters fo' anyway, petit?"
"What, you can't read either? It's only a couple of weeks to the PROM, the biggest social event of our adolescent lives, where the very course of future will be decided based upon our success or failure to get a date and a handbag to match the strappy shoes I bought at a discount on the Prof's card."
Oh yes, de prom was upon us. So many hopes an' dreams all hinged upon one night o' formal wear. I went to a prom once. O' course, de criteria fo' success or failure was a little diff'rent den what Jubes had laid out. But let's jus' say dat de night was beaucoup success an' leave de matter to idle minds. We exchanged a lil' mo' flattery an' she went on her way. Sho' nuf, Cyclops called a house meeting later on dat day to recruit chaperones, an' decoratin' parties, an' whatever else might needed to be done by us old people. I sorta wanted ta go, not like I'm dat much older, but I was overruled by an overwhelmin' majority.
De next mornin', I actually woke up early fo' no reason dat I could determine. Jus' one o' dem nights where de slumber won't come. So I decided ta get some trainin' in down in de Danger Room. But somebody beat me to it.
Oh sweet Rogue, how in de world you manage ta make a sweat suit suggestive is beyond my reckoning. Dat was all right, I was happy ta wait my turn. I'd jus' watch through de glass where she didn' have ta know I was watchin'. Always got ta take advantage of a rare moment like dat. Jus' so you know where dis story takes place in de great time line o' Remy an' Rogue, dis is all sometime after we had met, before we were together, when I had made up my mind dat dat girl was everyt'ing a man could want on two legs, but didn' have any plan ta do anyt'ing about it. But de show mus' go on.
She got finished an' I went an' sat on de bench, pretendin' ta tie one o' my shoes. She looked a lil' surprised ta see me.
"Well good mornin' Remy. How long have you been up?"
"Bon matin ta you too, chere. I haven't been up dat long. Had a lil' trouble sleepin'."
"Ah'm sorry ta hear ya missed out on yoah beauty rest."
"What are you doin' up so early dis mornin' anyway?"
"Ah've got an early class, and so ah had ta get up real early so ah could get my trainin' in and shower. Ah'm always up early on Wednesdays."
"I didn' know dat."
"Ah'm not surprised."
"What's dat supposed ta mean?"
"It means if ya didn' drink so much after 10pm, ya might be up befoah noon every once in a while."
"Dere's dis t'ing about bad habits, chere. If a man gives up de one, he got ta replace it wit' de anuddah, so if you give me a dazzlin' smile connected to a nice set a legs, den we'll talk about reformin' my after hours activities."
"Swamp rat if ah had mah gloves with me ah'd pop you one foah that."
"Looks like fate has dealt me de winnin' hand ag'in."
"Don't get too cocky, or you may just get a lick without 'em."
"It's a little early fo' you ta be callin' a man out, non?"
"Ah'm only jokin', Remy. Though ah'll be the first to admit ah'm not a mornin' person, exactly."
"Call dis a bit off de subject, petite, but den it may fall under de category of after hours activities. You got yo' dress fo' de prom yet?" Her face didn' change a bit, but her shoulders stiffened up.
"Oh….well no, ah guess not."
"Gettin' a little down ta de wire, n'est pas?"
"Ah wasn't really plannin' on goin', actually."
"Not goin? Ta yo' prom? I t'ought you'd be de kind o' femme ta jump at de chance ta dress up tres belle an' dance de night away."
"Well, ah guess you thought wrong. It just isn't a big deal to me, and ah'm not much foah dancin'. Besides, not like anybody's gonna be lookin' foah me anyway."
Now ol' Remy's been taught real well how ta sniff out a bluff, an' it'd be a cold day in Texas fo' I believed dat dis girl didn' like dancin'.
"Chere, dere's really no"
"Well ah better catch a shower an get on ta class. Ah'll see ya around, Gambit." Dat was her cue fo' me to leave it alone. But den, dat was befo' she figured out dat I always do de opposite o' what you'd expect. Rogue wasn' goin' to de prom cause first an' foremost, no one had asked her. An' no one had asked her cause dey didn' wanna die durin' de first song, an' de uddah option was ta show up wit' a date dressed like de abominable snowman. But despite what anybody says, to a femme, de prom is an important night, an' it's supposed to be a magical an' romantic night when dey get ta show everybody just how beautiful dey can be. I know dese t'ings cause I know women, an' if mos' men knew dat kind o' power, I t'ink more o' dem would pay attention. An' I knew dat Rogue was goin' ta be de belle o' de ball at dat prom if Remy LeBeau had anyt'ing ta say about it. In dat moment, I hatched a plan. A foolproof plan. A perfect, infallible plan o' all plans.
"Ain't no way in hell, Gumbo." Dis brings us about up ta de present. Every great mastermind needs conspirators. I was jus' havin' a lil trouble gettin' mine.
"Look, you an me bot' got suckered inta bein' chaperones at dis t'ingy by Jean Gray, c'est vrai?"
"Yeah, yer point?"
"Well if yo' gonna be jus' fine standin' dere watchin' everybody have a good time at de night dey'll remember fo' de rest o' dere lives, knowin' Rogue's somewhere upstairs by herself in de dark remindin' herself of all de reasons why she wasn' wanted there, den you jus' go ahead an' say so."
"Y'ain't playin' fair."
"All's fair in love an' war, mon ami."
"You really think she wants ta go to this thing?"
"I would not be surprised if dere were tears over it." He took a long drag off o' his cigar, an' exhaled slowly, considerin'.
"All right fine, you got yerself a deal bub. But it still ain't gonna work, and you better not say I didn't warn you. And if in the off chance it does work, you better make sure you've got the bases covered so that she never finds out. Cause if you hurt that girl so you can feel like a damn knight in shining boxer shorts then me and you are gonna have a problem."
"Yo' a man ta be admired, homme."
"Shut yer hole. So what's the first thing we gotta do?"
-LATER-
"Gambit you must be out of your mind!"
"Aw come on, 'Ro, it's a 10 second transgression on yer moral code to buy a kid one happy memory to visit amidst all the bad ones."
"Logan I cannot believe you would be involved in such a request! What sort of woman do you think I am?"
"De best kind, Stormy. Dat's why I know dat if you t'ink about it real hard, you'll see dat we haven' asked dat much."
"Regardless of my personal feelings, I don't think either of you have considered the consequences of the professional implications. He is a student of mine!"
"Yeah and he's had a crush on you since he came here four years ago. You could tell that kid he's not allowed to say anything ever again and he'd still take you up on it. Trust me, he won't talk. And you know you can trust me and the Cajun. We don't have friends."
"It doesn't matter. I would still know it happened, and I simply cannot do it."
"Look, it's not like we're askin' fo' ourselves. It's fo' Rogue. C'mon, it's her prom! Yo' her best friend in de world, an' dis is de only way we can help. Unless o' course you got a better idea?"
"I believe I've given my answer. Under no circumstances am I going to do this. For heaven sakes what if the Professor found out?!"
"I wouldn't worry about Chuck. He's not even going to be here fer another week, and he's got a strict policy about invading people's memories uninvited. You know that."
"Logan how can you really"
"It's not really like I want to. But Gumbo has a point, fer once. Ain't no other way. And if it's important ta her, then it's important ta me. Simple as that. I figured you of all people would understand that."
"Surely it doesn't have to be me."
"Oui, has ta be you."
"He has to have a, 'crush' as you say, on someone his own age."
"Peut-etre, but let me reveal our criteria: one, someone de garcon's got de hots fo'. Two, someone who is a friend o' Rogue's. Three, someone who doesn' have a big mean tattooed boyfriend that might kill him fo' a stunt like dat. Four, someone who doesn' hate Logan, moi, or de combination, since we're de ones askin' an all. An' lastly, someone kind enough ta wanna help. You find me someone else to match dat description, an' we'll go ask dem in a heartbeat, but I t'ink you'll find dat de numbers are small."
Stormy took a deep breath an' started pacin' 'round de room. A breeze started up, shufflin' a few papers on her desk.
"It would mean a whole lot, 'Ro." She looked Logan dead on, an' jus' started at him fo' a while. He started back, undaunted like. What a perfect accessory ta my crime. Certainly I had de charms, but when Wolvie's sincere 'bout somet'in, he can be quite convincin'.
"Ten seconds?"
"No more, no less."
"No one will find out?"
"Scout's honor."
"EVER?"
"Cross my heart and hope to die."
"Then let me make a few things plain. You owe me. BIG. If I ask you two to appear on national television dressed in drag you will do so, no questions asked, capice?"
"Long as I can go as Vivian Leigh, fine by me chere."
"Logan?"
"Fine."
"And if ANYONE finds out, you will both be dead, not in a poetic sense, not to be taken as a hyperbole, DEAD, do I make myself clear?"
"Crystal. So we gotta deal 'er what?"
All she could give de pair o' us was a stiff nod. We took what we could get, an' den moved on to our next victim.
-LATER-
"Logan and Remy. Not a good combination. To what do I owe the…pleasure?"
I gave my most charmin' bow. "Ma chere, I humbly entreat you ta let us come in an' present our case. I assure you it'll be most worth yo' time."
Jean Gray rolled her eyes, but stepped aside. She had a pretty good idea what she was up against, so she was choosin' her battles. Wolverine followed me in, but stopped briefly in front o' Jeannie. "Just so ya know, Red, this is not my idea."
"We'll see whether I care or not after I've heard this new antagonism. Now what?"
"Let me first say dat we came to you because dere simply is no one else wit' de same flare fo' elegance an' sophistication in fashion, no one else who could appreciate de fine details of de feminine physique on a day to day, but especially singular event basis, as exhibited even in yo' very appearance today." Jeannie raised an eyebrow, but I could tell she was buyin' into it. You'd t'ink dat Storm was de fashion guru of de X-folks, but in truth, careful observance revealed dat it's just not true. Sho' 'Ro knows how ta dress to impress, but Jean knows de fragile secret of lookin' beautiful wit'out anyone suspectin' dat she tried at all. Subtlety was her forte, an' in de issues of formal wear, dere is no greater asset den dat.
"Git ta the point, Gambit." I was surprised he had let me go dis far, really. But I was makin' him uncomfortable now, mos'ly cause I was sayin' all de t'ings he was t'inkin', jus' better den he woulda, an' Jean has a funny way o' knowin' little t'ings like dat.
"Very well, mon bon homme. Jean Gray, de t'ing dat we need from you today is…..a dress!" She watched me, apparently waitin' fo' me to continue. When I didn't, she looked confused.
"A dress? For who, you or Logan?"
"'S not fo' us, obviously. Dis is de t'ing, we're tryin' ta get Rogue to de prom, an' we don't have a whole lot o' time o' resources, so we need a fashion consultant."
"She doesn't have a dress yet?! It's three weeks till the prom! There's no way she can pull it off. It took me months to get ready for mine, and I was still late!"
"'Xactly. So you agree dat we need help."
"Ok, what exactly are you asking me? Don't flower it up. Actually, Logan, why don't you answer instead."
"All right Jean, we're tryin' to take care of the guy stuff, y'know, the date, but when it comes to mascara and pantyhose, we seem to be at a loss. We need a partner in crime to take care of the girl."
"Well why in the world didn't you just say so?"
"Well, chere, dere is one uddah t'ing."
"What's that?"
"When I said dat we need a dress, dere was a particular one I sorta had my heart set on."
"Yeah?"
"Dere was dis beautiful green number dat I believe you wore to de Prof's charity ball last year, de time you gave dat speech on broadcasted…"
"No…..way. If you're talking about taking my Stella McCartney limited custom green formal dress and matching elbow glove set to a highschool prom, you must be crazy, stupid, or a strange combination plus a death wish."
"But puhleeeeeeeeze??"
"No! Why does it have to be that dress?"
"Cause you know well enough dat dere's none better, an' cause whatever she wears is gonna have ta be good enough ta change de opinion of de entire student body, an' cause you can't wear it ag'in anyway since you wore it on national television, an' cause I promise not'ing will happen to it."
"But…..but….I CAN'T!! You don't understand!! That's my one in a million trump card dress that you dream about all your life and never find! And I just can't!"
"Now ain't it you who always says dat de students come first? Dis is a night dat will determine de fate o' one of dem students, an' de most important factor is de dress, an' 's a dress you already played. Which is worse, puttin' it in harm's way, or leavin' it's unparalleled beauty to rot in de depths o' yo' closet, never ta be seen o' heard from ag'in. Sides, dis way it's almos' like you get to wear it again, cause we all gonna see dat dress, an' den t'ink of when you wore it, an' remember jus' how stunnin' you were. It's fo' a good cause!"
Jean's bottom lip trembled, wavering.
"Will you? Or will it from that point on cease to be the perfect dress that I wore to the ball, and become the perfect dress that Rogue wore to prom?"
"Look Jeannie, no girl in the world is gonna outdo you when it comes ta looks. No harm in lettin' 'em try anyway." Perfect. I knew dere was a reason I hired dis man. See, usefulness number two, flattery from Wolvie means twice as much as flattery from me. We got her, an' I knew it right den, cause she almos' smiled, an' Logan turned shades o' red dat shouldn' be.
"I suppose you do have a point. And it is…just a dress….a perfect dress….but…a dress. I know how much this will mean to Rogue, and I'm sure she'll be very grateful that you two did it for her."
"Hold yer horses there. One more thing. She can't know that either of us are involved at all."
"Yeah, she wouldn' take ta charity well."
"Well then what am I supposed to do? Just go up and give her the dress out of the kindness of my heart for no reason and hope she doesn't get suspicious?"
"Course not. Jus' leave dat ta us. We'll arrange it so dat she comes ta ask you."
"You two do like to live dangerously. Try not to screw it up this time though."
"No promises."
"You two do have some idea about what to do for her little skin condition, don't you? That dress isn't exactly….concealing."
"Actually, Jeannie, we were sorta hopin' we could leave dat to your infinite genius an' ingenuity." I grinned an' winked, an' she rolled her eyes.
Dat only left one more t'ing, on which all de uddahs hinged. We needed ta get Roguey a date. An' I knew jus' de one.
-LATER-
"Sooooooo, Bobby, how's it goin?"
"Fine I guess, just on my way to class, I'll catch ya later ok Logan?"
"Or you could jus' forget de class an' step into my office fo' a moment."
"Uh, guys, I don't really" Logan shoved him into the empty class room fo' you can say "lickety-split" an' we locked de door behind us.
"Ok kid, here's the deal. Yer takin' Rogue to prom, got it?"
"What are you guys, the prom mafia? No I'm not."
"Now don' make waves bout it, petit homme. I t'ink you'll come 'round wit' a little persuasion." Wolvie an' me stepped toward him menacingly. We mus' have looked pretty intimidatin' in de dark, cause he backed up a little bit.
"So what? You guys are gonna rough me up unless I take Rogue to the prom?! Kinda violates the student/teacher code, doesn't it?"
"We're willin' ta do whatever it takes. Up ta you I guess ta make dat decision."
"WHAT IS UP WITH YOU GUYS? You can't do that! I can take whoever I want to prom, and if you two think you're gonna come in and FORCE me to do something I don't want to, then guess what? I don't respond well to intimidation."
De room started gettin' cold real fast. Logan started laughin'. "Aw come off it kid, we were just hackin' on ya. Whaddaya think Gumbo, our reputation preceded us again?"
"Mos' definitely."
"Sooooooo….now that you two have had whatever sick fun that was, can I go to class?"
"No."
"Come on man! I've already gotten busted twice for skipping!"
"I t'ink dey'll let it slide dis time. 'Sides, all ya gotta do is agree ta take Rogue ta prom, an' den you can go."
"I am NOT taking Rogue to prom. Now shove off!"
"Why don't you wanna take Rogue to prom anyway, frosty?"
"Oh hardy har har. Frosty, Red, Gumbo, where do you get this crap adamantium face? Cartoon Network?"
"You gonna answer my question or am I gonna have ta go lookin' down yer throat fer an answer?"
"Look, Rogue's a friend of mine and everything, but I just don't like her like that, ok?"
"We aren't askin' ya ta marry her. Jus' take her to the prom. Nice an' friendly like."
"Well it's not just that, either. She's kind of a….social liability, if you know what I mean."
"'Fraid ya lost me there, kid. Why don't you explain it so you can realize just how much of a jackass you would have to be to say somethin' like that."
"Hey what's your problem? You drag me in here and try to talk me into taking some girl to prom, which I don't wanna do, and might actually be a huge inconvienence to me, and then call me a jackass?"
"Two things, once, she ain't some girl, and two, yer dancin' on the last nerve before I show you one hell of an inconvienence."
"Dis is getting' so unpleasant. Look, Bobby, we aren't expectin' you ta do anyt'ing out o' de kindess o' yo' heart jus' cause we asked so nicely."
"Good. Then I'll just be going now."
"But we are prepared ta offer somet'ing along de lines of a….je ne sais pas….bribe."
He stopped dead. Dat's a great t'ing about Bobby. He jus' can' stay clear o' mischief.
"What kinda bribe?"
"Perhaps my presence might give you a clue." Right on schedule. Beautiful. Storm walked out o' de shadows, where she had been sittin' quietly. Bobby's eyes grew wide wit' possibilities.
"Uh….hey…Storm….I mean…..Miss Munroe. Um, would someone like to tell me what exactly is going on?"
"It is as they say, Bobby. You are taking Rogue to prom."
"This is a conspiracy!!"
"Yes. Yes it is. But we cannot force you to do anything, we can simply ask, and then make it so that it is in your best interest to concur."
"And how exactly are you planning to do that?" Storm shut her eyes tightly, prob'ly hopin' dat when she opened dem everyt'ing would be gone. Wolvie started admirin' de ceiling an' scratchin' de back o' his neck nervously. So de Iceman's eyes fell on me. I smiled. Dese are de moments dat make life worthwhile.
"'S been made pretty clear to us dat dere is come chemistry betwixt you an' Miss Munroe here. Our sources tell us dat de romance has claimed mos' o' yo' geology notebook an' de entirety o' de inside o' yo' locker. Need I continue dis way or do you catch my meanin'?"
"YOU GUYS WENT INTO MY LOCKER?!"
"I'll take dat as a yes. Well, since dere seems to be a lack of romance in yo' relationship wit' Rogue, derefo' yo' prom would cease to be a date, really. To compensate you fo' yo' selfless sacrifice, Stormy is prepared to…" I gave some pause fo' dramatic effect. De tension was so thick you could poke it in de belly. "KISS you…..fo' ten seconds."
"On certain conditions of course." Storm jumped in, barely able ta contain her distaste. "One, you tell no one. Not a soul. Two, you take Rogue to prom and never give her the impression that it was anyone's idea but your own. Three, we never discuss this, and you understand that it never happens again, because I don't like you that way, and you are…how did you put it earlier? A social liability?"
Wolvie started snickerin'. Bobby looked like he might die fo' he ever gave us an answer. There was more den a few awkward moments all strung together, where Bobby just watched 'Ro, 'Ro watched de ever fascinatin' carpet, an' me an' Wolvie tried real hard to keep our mouths shut, even though it was such a great opportunity fo' a few cheap shots. No one knew exactly what was gon' happen now. Would de boy take de bait? Would he chicken out? Would 'Ro go through wit' it if he didn't? Could Bobby live wit' himself if he passed up dis opportunity?
Finally, he took a breath, an' we all tensed to see what he would say. But he didn't say not'in'. He walked over to Storm wit' courage a man can be proud of an' put his mouth ta hers. I know dat me an' Wolvie set up dis whole t'ing, but de reality of dat never hit befo' dat very moment. We were flabberghasted. My jaw dropped halfway down to de floor an' I t'ought dat Wolvie's eyes were gonna just pop right out dey went so wide. But de mos' important t'ing to be remembered is dat we forgot ta time him. De first few seconds o' dat kiss were a little strained, but den dat boy apparently hit his stride an' put his hands on her hips, pullin' her closer ta him, an' dey seemed to melt into one anuddah in a strangely sensual way dat was devoid of all comedy. I suddenly felt very rude, like I had no business bein' dere. I was 'bout to make my break fo' it when I got set by a stern glare from Logan. He grabbed Bobby by de scruff o' his collar.
"All right stud, you got yer ten seconds." Mo' like twenty, I t'ink. Seemed like dat went on fo'ever. Ro' got out o' dat room faster den I've ever seen, flushed to de roots o' her white hair. Bobby walked out calmly a few seconds later, jus' a second or two after he got control over dat silly grin. Me an Logan made eye contact, an' spent de rest o' de afternoon unable to stop laughin'. Finally, we decided to have ourselves a smoke, an' I was glad dat if I could only share dat memory wit' one person, it was ol' Wolvie. I knew I'd be laughin' bout dat fo' years to come. Still am. It was a job well done, an we knew we had bought one perfect date fo' Rogue.