Wacky Races: The Hot Texas Rocky Road Race
Written by Matthew Hawkins (Inspired by "Creepy Trip to Lemon Twist")
(The scene is a warm sunny desert setting with the Wacky Racers racing past the camera)
Narrator: "Welcome again fans to another wild and wacky race! From Hot 'n' Spicy, California to Bar-B-Q, Texas."
(Freeze Frame) The Hot Texas Rocky Road Race (The racers race past two cactus which melt in the sun.)
Narrator: "Yes sirre! It's going to be a real scorcher."
(The Arkansas Chugga-Bug is racing along. Blubber has an ice-cream which melts)
Blubber: (blubbers)
Lazy Luke: "Tain't nothin' to cry bout Blubber. I'm doing your hot dawgs just how you like 'em." (Luke is balancing a shish kabab skewer with sausages on it between the toes of one foot whilst driving with the other. He is cooking the sausages with the help of the Creepy Coupe's dragon who's riding in front of them. The dragon of course burns them, but Luke being laid back and relaxed doesn't notice. He picks one off and sniffs it.) "Mmmmmm-hmm." (licks lips)
"Nicely done! Here you go Blubber!" (Camera goes to one-shot of Blubber. Luke shoves one sausage in Blubber's mouth with the end sticking out. Luke's hand comes into shot holding a sauce bottle.) "Do you want some of Granpappy's sauce with that?"
Blubber: (stares blankly at the sauce bottle then the camera)
Narrator: "Meanwhile the Creepy Coupe is trying to past the Ant Hill Mob. Lil' Gruesome shift to Witch Power.
Lil Gruesome: (pulls lever on dashboard. Out pops the witch out of the belfry. She cackles before casting a spell on the Bulletproof Bomb causing the car to be reduced in size)
Narrator: Oh-oh. Looks like the Anthill Mob is now the Ant-sized Mob. Ha-ha!
(The scene changes to a canyon rock formation which zooms in on top of two silhouettes at the top. Guess who.)
Narrator: "Oh-oh. Looks like that desert rat Dick Dastardly is up to one of his old tricks."
Dick Dastardly: (who's looking through binoculars lowers his arms and faces the camera grinning) "True. But this dirty trick is anything but boulder-dash!" (cackles as the camera pans out to a large boulder)
Muttley: (wheezes)
Dick Dastardly: "Let her fly, Muttley!"
Muttley: (heaves and pushes the heavy boulder over the side)
(Enter Professor Pat Pending in the Convert-a Car)
Narrator: "Watch out Professor!"
Professor Pat Pending: (chuckles) "Looks like this is my cue." (Pulls lever on his dashboard. Out comes a hand holding a snooker cue and another holding a chalk which gets to work on the cue. The hand with the cue takes careful aim and strikes the boulder which goes in reverse)
Dick Dastardly: (stares in anger and frustration as the boulder rolls back up the cliff side towards him) "Drat and double drat!" He's made it do a U-turn."
(The boulder comes up over Dastardly and Muttley and hits the canyon wall and races towards them. Muttley panics and dives out of the way out of shot while Dastardly slides down the cliff face with the boulder hot on his heels.
Dick Dastardly: Triple drat!
(When they reach the bottom the boulder continues to chase Dastardly in between the canyons like a pinball machine.)
Dick Dastardly: "MUTTLEY! Dooo something! (Eventually the boulder catches up and Dastardly gets stuck on the boulder as it rolls for a while before freeing himself and landing feet first on the still rolling boulder thus having to balance himself.
Dick Dastardly: Ooof! Whoops! Whoa! (Dastardly then realizes that he can ride the boulder to the finish line and win the race. ) Aha! This rolling stone's given me a good bad idea! (laughs) (He stops the boulder rolling with his feet then rolls it up the side of a canyon rock formation and down again and onto the road. Muttley who sees the boulder coming towards him runs on the spot and away.)
Muttley: "Yipe!"
Dick Dastardly: Oh no you don't, you fleabag! (stretches out one arm and picks Muttley up and puts him down beside him forcing Muttley to keep his balance and keep the boulder rolling too) Come on Muttley! Let's rock'n'roll our way to victory!
(The Slag Brothers are riding along when Rock notices Dastardly & Muttley's boulder from behind. He taps his brother on the head with his club and points with it.)
Rock: (grunts) "Look!" (The two brothers look in unison and proceed to stroke the car forward like a boat with their clubs before being spun out of control by the boulder.)
Rock: (grunts) "Dizzy!"
Gravel: (grunts) "Make it stop!"
(The Red Max is next to face the boulder from behind.)
The Red Max "Yikes!" (He drives the Crimson Haybailer straight up) "Going up" (As he goes up Dastardly & Muttley ride under him. The Crimson Haybailer comes back down hard on it's front.) Dick Dastardly: (having witnessed this remarks) "Crashing down". (laughs)
(The boulder rolls alongside the Army Surplus Special alarming the two men as Dick Dastardly comes face to face with Sergeant Blast)
Sergeant Blast: Huh?
Dick Dastardly: "Howdy Sarge!"
Sergeant Blast: "Get back in formation civilian!" (Points behind them)
Dick Dastardly: How about going for a little spin? (he spins the turret in which the Sergeant sits and it goes really fast)
Sergeant Blast: "MEEKLY!
Dastardly and Muttley advance on the Arkansas Chugga-Bug
Luke: (turns around) "What in tarnation's that?"
Blubber: (blubbers)
Luke: "Hang on Blubber, I got me some-a that thar new-fangled bubble-gum." (He chews some and blows a giant bubble which carries them and the car up into the air as Dastardly and Muttley cruise underneath)
Blubber: (looks down and freaks out blubbering. In his panic he puts his arms out round Luke popping the bubble causing them to crash down hard on the road. They bounce in the goo a few times before stopping)
Luke "Dagnabit, Blubber. Now look at what you've gone and down."
Blubber: (blubbers)
Narrator: " Oh it's a pretty sticky situation for Luke and Blubber as Dastardly nears the finish line."
(Dastardly and Muttley approach the finish line) Dick Dastardly: (takes a double take and points) "Look Muttley! The finish line!" (They mow down the finish line but the boulder is caught in the banner stretching it. They arrive at the podium where the 1st place cup sits but a few inches short.
Dick Dastardly: The trophy! At last! It's all mine! (tries to reach the cup with his pinkie.) "Almost there!
Muttley: (very wisely jumps off just as the boulder is catapulted like a slingshot with Dastardly still on it.)
Dick Dastardly: MUTTLEY! (Dick hits the canyon wall followed by the boulder and sticks to it. The boulder rolls down the side and Dastardly is doomed to roll with it.)
Dick Dastardly: MUTTLEY! Do something!
Muttley: (wheezes)
Narrator: "We are at the finish line at Bar-B-Q and here comes the winner. It's Number 6 The Army Surplus Special. The Convert-a Car Number 3 is second and in third spot is the Chugga-Bug. But where's Dastardly?
Muttley: (points and wheezes at Dastardly who's still stuck to his rolling boulder and rolling up and down between two formations)
Dick Dastardly. "MUTTLEY! DO SOMETHING! HEEELLLLLPPP!"
Muttley: (wheezes)
(Wacky Races is copyright of Hanna Barbera and Warner Brothers Television Animation and is dedicated to them. This is a work of fan fiction. This has been produced solely though my love of the source material and no copyright infringement is intended.)