Disclaimer: Marvel owns all names places and stuff, yada yada yada, unless otherwise specified. This is just general humor, mostly short non-continuing stories. Not always action packed or historically accurate. I do not own the rights to Nair. Dang. I am also not affiliated with the FBI or any other government organization (but if I were, I couldn't tell you). This is all fictional, obviously.
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April Fools: Uppin' the Stakes
April the 1st: Bobby's favorite holiday. He was prepared. He'd been counting down the days since last October. The alarm went off at precisely 6:00am, but he was awake before that, the excitement of the day too great for him to sleep. He quietly snuck out of the bed, his first victim imminent on his mind.
"I'm coming for you, Lebeau, and nothing you can say or do will prepare you, or stop me!! Muahahahaha!!" He grabbed the necessary items. Remy good looks would soon be depleted, and Bobby could take his rightful place as hottest X-man ever!! Nair in the shampoo, Rogaine mixed with shaving cream, and bacon grease in the soap. Let's see him pull this one off. He had it all planned out. He snuck down the hallway with stealth any first rate ninja could be proud of. But we he got outside Gambit's door, he noticed that the light was on. He couldn't be awake! That would ruin everything! No, this happened sometimes. The Cajun had probably had too much to drink last night with Wolverine, and had simply passed out before remembering to turn the lights out. All the better for him. He opened the door, ever so slowly, and then stepped in.
"Hello, Bobby." Remy was standing there, and the very sight of him made Bobby gasp. His normally trashed room was impeccable, as though no one had ever set foot in it before. Remy himself was wearing a pressed black suit and tie, his hair slicked back, and freshly shaven, the mild scent of cologne wafting around him. What's more, his eyes were brown. Just a normal brown on white, nothing out of place about them.
"Gambit? What's going on?" Remy looked down his nose, and answered haughtily.
"Please, don't call me that ridiculous name anymore. My name is Jason Morrow. Or at least, that is what you may call me from now on. As far as a pseudonym, Agent Morrow would be most practical." There was no trace of a cajun accent anywhere in his voice. Bobby wasn't fooled.
"Yeah right. Nice try, Remy."
He shrugged. "I am not overly concerned as to whether or not you believe me. My work here is done." He began loading odd gadgets into a briefcase marked "Morrow" in gold letters. Fine, Bobby would play along.
"All right, Agent Morrow, what have you been doing here, all these years? I must say, a pretty elaborately played out character, Remy LeBeau. I mean, we even met your ex-wife."
"I've been doing research for the FBI regarding the alien occurrences and technological output surrounding this place. Also keeping an eye on you mutants, of course. The whole experience has been rather informative. I couldn't have hoped for a more engaging assignment. As far as my past, certainly we went to some extremes to validate. Agent Michaels, when you're finished would you be so kind as to join us?"
"You're not fooling me, swamp rat! We've seen you use your powers a thousand times! You're just as much a mutant as the rest of us!"
"Is that so? Fortunately, none of you paid close enough attention to my little tricks to notice." He pulled out some cards, and took them over to Bobby.
"Take a closer look, why don't you?" Bobby's eyes narrowed at Remy….or was it Agent Morrow?...and then took the cards. To his surprise, there was a square of discolorment hidden in the robes of the king on the front. When he put his thumb over it, the card glowed pink. Gambit took it from him non-chalantly, and then tossed it out the open window. It exploded somewhere on the ground below. Then, Bobby noticed a contact case on the nightstand. He went over and opened it, and to his dismay, red on black contacts floated in the fluid. A horrible feeling began to settle upon him. Maybe he wasn't lying. After all, he had always thought that if he needed to go under cover, he would pretend to be Gambit. Unshaven, unkempt, with no past to speak of. No, he wasn't going to fall for this! But then, something happened that he couldn't deny.
Belladonna Boudreaux walked out of the bathroom.
"Michaels, you remember Bobby Drake?"
"Of course, he was the stupid one. Mr. Drake, Chandra Michaels, pleased to meet you formally at last."
"No……."
"I'm afraid it's all too true."
"But…but….when we……you…..ROGUE! That's it! You can't have faked that!"
"Rogue's sentiment towards my alias proved most useful. Unfortunately, for my part, it was all just a means to acquire a goal."
"You wait till I tell her, Remy Lebeau! Her reaction will be irrefutable!"
"I'm afraid I had the common decency to tell her already of the situation. The girl is far too much of a romantic to trouble me further."
Bobby couldn't take it anymore. He ran down the hall, and into Rogue's room. Rogue was in her pajamas, curled up in a ball on the floor, sobbing as he had never seen anyone do before. It was true! How could this be? How could he do this to them?
"Rogue! Oh Rogue!" He went to her, and she turned to him, a look of near terror in her eyes.
"B-b-b-bobb-b-b-y-y-y! Ah-ah-ah c-c-c-c-cain't…."
"It's ok Rogue! It'll be all right! We won't let him get away with this!"
"H-h-h-h-he t-t-t-old m-m-m…"
"Shhh now! I'm here. I know, I know…"
"Kn-n-n-n-ow w-w-w-what?" Bobby ran down the hall and back into Remy…no, Agent Morrow's room.
"How could you do this?! We thought you were our friend!!" He noticed Hank standing in the corner.
"Hank! What do we do??"
"The irony of you consulting this mindless piece of ingenuity. Of all my pranks, I think he has been the most successful."
"What?" He looked at Hank. Hank's mouth opened, and blue streaks of electric current ran over his teeth.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HANK?!"
"Nothing. I've only deprogrammed him."
"Deprogrammed him??"
"Hank is a robot. All of you confiding in him, relying on him. It was all I could do not to reveal your mistake. All of it came right to me. Hank McCoy died shortly after his estrangement from the Avengers. A car accident, of all things. But we made use of what could have been a scientific tragedy."
"This can't be true!!"
Agent Morrow pulled out a remote control, and as he pushed the buttons, Hank's body came to life in a jerky manner.
"Of course, he is much smoother when programmed. I couldn't always rely on manual controls. It was only after his success that the agency decided to send in a live wire."
"You certainly have proved your worth on this one, Morrow. Headquarters is going to be blown away." Agent Michaels grinned at him.
Bobby tried to resist the urge to pull his hair out. The prank wars, the science, all this time he was up against a piece of metal?!
"NOOOOOO!!"
"What a stereotypical reaction. Now, if you'll excuse me, Bobby, I need to be on my way."
"Not so fast! I always knew there was something up with you!" Bishop stormed in, and opened fire. Agent Morrow dodged as skillfully as Gambit always had.
"You were the only thing that could've compromised my mission, but since it turns out you are a witless cretin, you'll simply have to deal with my victory in your own way. I don't have the time for it." He threw an exploding card through Bishop's firearms. Cretin? Did he just call Bishop a witless cretin? What was wrong with the world?! Then, Hank came back to life, at the skillful hands of Agent Michaels, and let out a mechanical roar as it lunged for Bishop. They rolled around on the floor. Ice spikes came automatically to Bobby's hands, but he didn't know what to do with them. He couldn't hit Hank…but then….yes he could?
Morrow took one look at the dilemma written on his face, and started to chuckle. Agent Michaels bit her lip to keep from joining. Bobby glared at them, a sudden and uncontrollable rage filling him. After everything they had done. They'd broken Rogue's heart. They'd taken advantage of everyone with the introduction of Hank, the man beast who had been their beloved friend and ally. He'd lived among them, been treated as one of them, and all the time he had been ratting them out. And all he could do was laugh?? He lunged at Agent Morrow, and they fell to the floor. To his surprise, Agent Morrow kept chuckling, until finally he was outright laughing, tears forming in his eyes. From behind him he heard the laughter of Agent Michaels, Bishop, and even Hank the robot. He stopped, stood, and looked around. Gambit continued rolling around on the floor, his face growing red from the exertion. The normally serious Bishop even had to hide his face in his jacket to muffle the noise. Hank removed clear plastic teeth caps, electric currents still running in blue flashes through the wire in the middle.
"I KNEW IT!! I KNEW IT ALL ALONG!!" More peals of laughter erupted.
"Au contraire, mon ami, you had no idea. Ol' Remy had you like worm on a hook!" He started again.
"You said it'd be worth it, mon homme, and fo' once, c'est vrai." Belladonna clutched her stomach as she laughed even harder.
'WELL I hope you've all enjoyed this night, for there will be retaliation as you've never seen before!! You think you've gotten the best of me?? NEVER!! You'll be sorry!" As Bobby continued on his tirade, Hank walked over to where he had earlier dropped his now horribly amateur collection of pranks. He picked up the shampoo bottle, and felt fairly confident he knew what distasteful concoction was inside.
"All of you are to blame! And I'll get you! Gambit, Bishop, Hank, especially Hank, even Belladonna! And Rogue! Rogue? Where is Rogue? She was in on this wasn't she?" He met with no response, but the laughter died down a little.
"Remy, I didn't know Rogue was involved." Hank questioned.
"Gambit has to cover all o' his bases." Bobby looked at him a minute, and then rushed to Rogue's room. All the others followed. As he flung the door open, there she was, still in a ball on the floor, crying her eyes out.
"Rogue? Oh Rogue! It's ok! It was just a joke! A mean horrible joke! We didn't know he meant to..."
"De chere is all right Hank, she ain't cryin' fo' me. Well, maybe because o' me, but dat's different."
"W-w-what in the s-s-s-s-sam hell is g-goin' on?" Rogue choked out in shuddering breaths. She looked at Gambit, and then shock overtook her.
"Y-yoah eyes! W-w-what have they d-d-d-done to yoah eyes??" Remy grinned.
"Yo' de only person I know who'd be upset dat I look normal. You sho' are one in a million, chere. Dere jus' contacts."
"I think you'd better explain about Rogue, LeBeau."
"Oh all right. I needed her to be upset, an' I knew dat she wouldn' wan' to get involved, so I had no uddah choice. I woke her up an' gave her a surprise breakfast in bed, tol' her I had a special day planned. What she didn't know about was de juice."
Gaining a comprehension, Rogue tried to glare up through red puffy eyes, but just broke down again. Remy came and put his arms around her apologetically.
"Oh Remy. It was so nice knowing you, too." Bishop said fatefully.
"It'll pass in about anuddah half hour, chere. Please don' be mad. I wasn' lyin' either. I did plan a special day fo' you an' me, jus' ta make up fo' it." He tried to put a stray strand of hair back into place affectionately, but she popped his hand away.
"A-a-ah'll g-g-get you R-r-remy LeBeau if it's the l-last thing ah-ah d-d-do!"
Remy grinned real big. It was pretty pitiful. "You are de mos' precious t'ing, sometime, chere."
As everyone tried not to make the fatal mistake of laughing at Rogue, Hank seized his opportunity, and dumped the shampoo bottle full of Nair onto Bobby's head. He froze, open-mouthed and in shock, and turned to Hank.
"Funny, equally effective and I didn't have nearly as much planning time." Bobby lunged for him, but Hank took off down the hall, and his roaring laughter echoed through the mansion.