By:Rosie
A/N: Dawson's POV
Its funny the things you remember during times like these. Inconsolable was a word that was used by me if I was in the situation, if I lost her. Friday the thirteenth that was the day. I remember it very clearly.
Gore and death was a popular theme of that day. She asked me if I would be sad if she died. I remember thinking how could the thought even go across her mind? Of course I would miss her she was my best friend. I shutter to think it was possible for the situation to be reversed.
I remember Grams saying that the Lord works in mysterious ways. That Friday the thirteenth was one of those times that god showed us that we were more than just friends. It showed me how much I cared for her, how much I loved her. Even now four years later.
Nobody wants anybody to go through pain. Pain is horrible. And if someone receives too much pain in one lifetime, it could kill them. And I am not talking about physical pain like someone stabbing you. I am talking about emotional pain. That pain is the best weapon against an enemy. Joey probably was effected most.
I remember when she had used that pain against me when… well the whole Pacey saga began. I always assume it was unintentional but it was worst than being stabbed in the back.
I truly think I got her back, sadly. That day was the worst and last day of my life.
It happened when I came back from Capside after my father's funeral. I was depressed. I felt alone and I wasn't letting anybody in. I couldn't believe my father had died. I had spent days trying to wake up from this vicious dream but I never did. And it turned out that I didn't have to.
I had called Joey when I had left Capside and asked her to meet me at a café for coffee later at night when I had predicted I would be arriving. I had decided after hours of heavy analyzing to let Joey in and ask her for help. I needed to see someone. I had been having nervous breakdowns. It was getting unhealthy the way I had been acting and taking my father's passing.
When I had reached the café I saw her spot me outside the window and got up off one of the chairs and went outside. I saw her wave from the other side of the street waving. I gave her a small smile, the biggest one I could manage at the time.
I see a break in traffic so I decided to start walking briskly across the road. Once I was about in the middle of the street, I dropped my pack of tissues. I lean down to pick them up and I hear a scream, I take one last look up and I see Joey's horrified expression and it all went black.
It turns out a teenager had been testing out her first car and never saw me when I had bent down. It doesn't even matter. Now that I am dead it feels horrible. It feels unreal. I can't feel. I can only feel the emotions all of my family and friends are feeling.
I see each person differently. My mother, well, she … had just lost her husband. I can't believe I had done this to her. She cried for days after Grams went and told her.
Next I saw Jen and Jack. They had been one of the first people to find out after it happened. I saw them drive back to Capside in total silence. I saw them pick out my casket, because my mother was unable to get out of bed for days. I saw them tell the funeral director it would be a closed casket. My body was just too mutilated.
After them I saw Pacey. He had just gotten back from a short getaway trip. I saw Doug walk up to his boat. Pacey looked so happy. H e always did look happy when her was on his own and free. When Doug told him, he looked as if he was see sick. He had joked around in true Pacey fashion and asked if this was some sick joke. Doug had said it wasn't. It took Pacey a while to realize what had happened. When I saw him cry, I was surprised. Pacey had never been an overly emotional guy and I was in shock. After Doug had let him alone for a while to process. Pacey began to talk to me. As if he knew I was there, watching over him. I can still remember what he said.
"Dawson, god you know how much I want to hate you now for leaving. We haven't had enough time. We haven't become best friends again. We…. We weren't supposed to end like this. We were supposed to wait a while then have a meaningful conversation together and gradually work back to where we were supposed to be. We were supposed to be each other's best men, to who ever we married, and you know you were going to be at that alter with Joey. No matter how much I tried to keep her, it was always you."
After he had said that he shouted: "YOU JERK! YOU HEAR ME! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME? WHY! YOU LEFT YOUR MOTHER, LITTLE SISTER, JOEY, ME, JACK AND JEN! It wasn't supposed to end this way… it wasn't…" He kept yelling at me. He will never stop. I can hear him and everyone else yelling at me every minute of every day. And I know they will never stop, because I don't deserve them to stop.
The worst one to watch was Joey. She had seen it. She had told most people. Joey didn't deserve this. She cried. I remember seeing her in a daze. She had gone to see her mother's grave. Joey yells at me a lot. She knows I spend most of my time with her. I am so proud of her because she moved on, but still never forgetting me. It was almost if she I wouldn't want her to stop living. She knew me so well. I love her so much. And I just missed my chance at telling her.
Another place I saw was my funeral. I was outside. Everyone was gloomy. The ceremony was nice and peaceful. Just how I wanted it. When we went to the graveyard, I was buried next to my father. It was weird seeing my own head stone.
When Joey went up to the podium to give the eulogy her word were so strong.
"Hello, My name is Joey Potter. Dawson was my best friend. He was my soul mate. He was a truly amazing guy. I grew up with him. Along the shores of the creek is where we grew to love each other and know each other inside and out. Dawson will be truly missed because he touched everybody that he met. He was always kind and generous. When he would flash his amazing smile, it put every one who saw it at ease. It always made me feel amazing inside. Most our childhood was spent either inside his room watching movies or outside in our makeshift set shooting a movie. That was Dawson's passion.. Making movies was what he was good at and set out to make the world a happy place by showing everyone that no matter how screwed up the world is you can always find that happy ending in the movies. We had once had a conversion about which is more powerful: a happy or sad ending. He of course said happy, being the optimistic dreamer he was. Now I on the other hand had said a sad ending was. Now this sad ending isn't powerful at all. It won't teach anyone a lesson. This ending only teaches us that an amazing person that would of made such a difference in anything and everything, he was taken away from us, stolen from us really. It shows us that we have such a small amount of time, we have to do anything we can to make sure that at every moment, we were having the time of our lives. Dawson helped me see that. He always did what he had to do to be happy. So when it's time to say your final goodbye to him. Don't say goodbye to that casket over there, because he isn't in there. Look next to you and say good bye. Because that is where he is, right next to each and every on of us. I love you Dawson never forget that and never leave me. A big chunk of me was lost today. Goodbye. Thank you."
I will never forget those words. Later that night, I saw her in my old room watching ET. She was sitting on the bed. I went and sat next to her. As she cried
I hugged her one last time. I whispered I love you to her and as if she knew I had said it she whisper "I love you" into what she thought was just air.
I felt as if I was watching time go bye. Because I was. I saw how everyone turned out. How they all evolved and how they all cared for each other. Jack became a teacher. Jen went to school to become a high school teen counselor. Pacey was able to get into college after working for to years to get his grades up. He ended up going into advertising, and traveling all over the world, just as her would have wanted to all his life. Surprisingly, he married Andie. They had four beautiful children. They look so happy. It hurts to watch them most times. I don't have that, and I never will.
Most of my time is spent watching my sister grow up. Me and my father just love to sit together and watch her special moments. Her first boyfriend- Greg- uhh I hate that guy. Her first kiss- now I hate him even more. Her first time- Greg again. If my dad and I were still there we'd kick his ass. But Pacey toke care off that. He stepped in and helped my mom when she couldn't be both mom and a dad at the same time. And her marriage- to Greg. Lily got lucky with him. He loves her so much. They had broken up many times but they always got back in the end. They are perfect for each other.
Joey worked hard all through college and graduated third in her class. She went on to be a published writer. She wrote a ten book long series describing our child hood and teenage years, up too my death. When she had first finished each book she would read out loud. It was almost if she knew I was listening. I hung on every word of those stories, reliving each small part of our short life together.
When her book series was asked to be made into a movie. Joey said yes immediately. When they filmed it, she was on that set every day making sure every detail was correct and not interpreted in the wrong way. She made sure the story wasn't all about the teenage hormones. It was about the romance. She knew I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
My lost time did not go wasted. Everyone worked through the rest of their lives and I do not expect them to be seeing them anytime soon. I am so glad that they are happy and healthy and truly happy. I am truly glad they moved on. I only regret one thing.
Not telling my best friend I loved her one more time.
I love you, Joey. Please don't forget me.