Icha Icha Ero-sennin!

Chapter One

Note: I decided that we needed some more Jiraiya in our lives, especially after his last touching scene. This is my first posted fic, so please leave me a line telling me what you think!

Disclaimer: I have not, do not, and will never own any rights to Naruto.

III

Jiraiya sat up and took a deep breath of the midafternoon air. He stumbled out of bed and grabbed a small cupof sake as breakfast before heading out to his usual perch behind the women's bathhouse. He'd had his days to himself lately - Naruto was always off doing something or other. And, naturally, all that he'd really wanted to do was drink, peep, bother Tsunade, write, and go and peep some more.

Actually, peeping had turned into kind of a lifestyle. To get the best peeping experience, you'd have to plan around everyone else's schedule. At about three o'clock, the housewives would come in so that they could gossip with each other, yet not have to run into the kunoichi. Apparently bathing with such fit girls made them feel like they were fat, since each of them had the slightly saggy stomach and breasts of motherhood. Jiraiya called this "Bouncy Hour."

At four o'clock, the women with desk jobs would finish their work, and come by for a short bath before barhopping or returning home. Having a stable job was a more sedentary lifestyle, so these women had accumulated some padding in the best areas. This was "Booty Time."

Now, both of these were just great, but the real highlight of Jiraiya's day was at six-thirty. The teams all finished up training at the same time as their older counterparts finished their daily duties, and all the kunoichi would go and bathe together. Jiraiya called this one "Imminent Death." But oh, it was so worth it.

III

Ino, Tenten, and Temari all headed into the changing room together. Sakura used to join them every day, but lately her head was just so filled with medical jutsu, or so she said. Everyone knew that the whole situation with Naruto and Sasuke was consuming her, but there wasn't really anything that anyone could do about it. For now, they were just letting her emotional wounds scab over.

"So how was your practice today, Tenten? Were Lee and Gai unbearable? Well, more unbearable than they usually are," Ino asked.

"They're really not that bad, once you get used to -"

"-learn to ignore-" supplied Temari.

"…Learn to ignore them. But Neji was really awesome today. He was able to extend his vision at least three feet farther than he could before. Also, he complimented me after I hit him with my shuriken twice! He totally has a thing for me." Tenten started peeling off her sweaty Chinese-style shirt.

"Does not. He's clearly gay," Ino said with the ease of an old argument as she stepped out of her miniskirt.

"You think everyone's gay." Temari retorted.

"It's not my fault that I can see what no one else can!" Ino said. "You know, Tenten, between Lee, Gai, and Neji, you're in a team of gays. Might as well just give in and become a lesbian." The girls started heading out to the warm rocks of the outdoor bath.

"Oh, really? And who would I be a lesbian with? You?" Tenten lightly shoved Ino into the bath before stepping lightly into the water herself. "Oh, I forgot, you already have the whole childhood romance thing going on with Sakura."

"Shut up! That's gross. Her forehead would eat me alive!" Ino shoved some water at Tenten.

Being a master of projectiles, Tenten automatically dodged. Mock-infuriated, Ino pulled out three kunai and started hurling them at the black-haired girl.

"Where was she hiding those…?" Temari asked herself in bemusement as she relaxed in the hot water and steam, actually doing what they came to do while the other two darted around and hurled random things at each other. "I just hope they don't break anything. I don't want to have to explain that to the owners again." She leaned her head back against the rock as her eyes followed her two younger friends. Whatever happened, they never failed to entertain her.

III

Jiraiya enjoyed the show, too, but probably not for the same reason that Temari did. It was fascinating how gravity pulled on their young breasts, let go for a second, then regained its grip. With each footfall, the muscles in their thighs and behinds rippled a little. Ino had left her skintight fishnet leggings on (he wondered for a second if they were actually tattoos), and the result was amazing.

Crying tears of joy at having been witness to such beauty, he turned and began writing notes down furiously with his red crayon. This would work perfectly in one of his novels. Perhaps… he could have Michiko wear the fishnets…? Hmm, her character might be a bit too innocent for that. Maybe Sakako instead...?

Clearly, this would take hours of artistic consideration. Major traffic at the bathhouse being over, he packed up his notepad, crayon, and backup crayon and set off for his second stop of the day.

III

"So, Tsunade-baachan, I'm about halfway through my new novel, and -"

"I don't want to hear anything about your perverted books, or anything else that you have to say, really. Why are you in my chair? Also, never call me that again."

"You were in that meeting a long time, and I got bored."

"You're a failure as a ninja."

"Says the woman with the job that I turned down."

"..."

"N- No, please don't hurt me! I'll take you out to drink. Sake, on me! Whaddya say?"

"All right. I guess." She paused a moment before adding, "As long as you don't try to peek down my kimono after I get drunk."

"Come on! Why else would you wear it half-open like that unless you wanted people to look?"

"I can't help the fact that my boobs don't fit in shirts."

"True. 160 is an admirable siz-"

III

A few moments later, the two walked into the local bar, Jiraiya's skull possibly a bit lumpier than it had been when he'd woken up that morning. The bar was pretty empty, as it always was on Tuesdays. Jiraiya wasn't sure if Tsunade picked Tuesdays as their day out because of that, or if people had just learned to steer clear. He sat down at the far corner of the bar, and his companion slid right next to him.

"Two sakes, please."

After savoring his first sip, he looked over to her to see her sitting at the edge of her barstool, suddenly bent over the bar with a nearly-empty cup in her hand. Her hair was hanging in front of her face, so he couldn't see her expression as she asked, "Why did you call me baa?"

Jiraiya blinked. "Well, that's what the kid calls you, and god knows I've been around him a lot lately. Just kind of rubbed off, I guess."

"I've been feeling older, these days. I think the justu that keeps me looking younger isn't as effective as it used to be. I have to renew it so much more often than I used to... and sometimes I even need Shizune's help with it."

Jiraiya scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I suppose that makes sense. As our bodies get older, the energy that we use for chakra has to be redirected to keeping our vital organs going. We are turning 54 this year; with all the work you have to do as Hokage, I'm not surprised that you don't have as much energy as you used to. The jutsu you use is, as far as I can tell, just a complex henge that's pretty much just draining you, day in, day out." He glanced over at her as he took a sip of his own drink. "Maybe it's time to drop the illusion and start aging gracefully."

The Fifth brought her head up enough to look him in the eyes. "I can't do that. I won't do that. I have to seem strong and energetic to keep my enemies aware that Konoha isn't led by a feeble old woman. At first it was just vanity, but now it's politics. If I drop my illusion... it would be the same as saying that I've given up. I might as well offer our village on a silver platter. You know that." She dropped her head again, and spoke more quietly this time. "I'm running out of options. I've started looking into Orochimaru's research."

"What?" It came out a little louder than Jiraiya had meant, and though the bar was nearly empty, the few patrons stopped talking and turned towards them. After a moment of sheepish quiet, the others returned to their respective conversations and Jiraiya repeated, whispering, "What?"

"That- it's not like that. I don't want immortality, or anything of the sort. I think we all know that I'm just a placeholder until Naruto matures enough to be able to become the Sixth. It's just... well, we all know Naruto, and who knows how long it'll take for him to become emotionally ready to hold office? Until then, I just need to keep my vitality. Maybe another ten years or so- well within a normal lifespan."

Everyone had already known this, but it was a little strange to hear it put out in the open like that. "So... what are you planning to do? What did you find in Orochimaru's research?"

At this, she leaned forward conspiratorially and started whispering furiously. "I found a jutsu that... essentially rejuvenates you, right down to your cells. It doesn't require much chakra, since you only have to rejuvenate a certain amount of cells before they start multiplying and replacing your old cells. I found it in one of the notebooks that you brought back when you defeated him. The thing is, Kabuto never finished his research on this one, and it seems that it was never actually performed. I'd have to test it on someone before I do it on myself." Her eyes lost their fire, and she sat back. "There just... isn't anybody I can spare; I have no idea the side effects that it may have. And I'm absolutely not using civilians as test subjects."

The white-haired man shrugged. "You could use me." At Tsunade's skeptical look, he explained himself. "My whole family died in the Third Ninja War, my students are all dead, and I've killed Orochimaru, my best friend. The major threats to Konoha were Akatsuki and Orochimaru, and the former is being systematically torn apart while I've dealt with the latter myself. At this point, all I have in this world is the woman who turned me down and Naruto, who doesn't have much to learn from me anymore."

He turned to Tsunade seriously. "I have nothing left for me here, other than to live out my days writing. I'd much rather sacrifice myself to help you save Konoha for the next generation." Jiraiya broke into a smile. "Besides, you're the best medical ninja I've ever seen. If anyone could fix whatever goes wrong, it's you. Let's do this."