Wacky Races: The Jet Ready, Jet Set, Go! Race! Written by Matthew Hawkins
(Smoke fills the screen)
Narrator: "Hold on! Don't touch that dial viewers! Nothing the matter with your T.V. Just loads of smoke!" (A hand with a window wiper goes over the screen. When it clears the scene is a hot desert setting.)
Narrator... "as the Wacky Racers race along...errrm". (he trails off.) (The Wacky Racers are nowhere to be seen. The camera goes left and right searching. A tumbleweed blows across the screen in the wind.)
Narrator: "Say, where is everybody?"
(The camera pans to miles in front of the starting line where the Wacky Racers are stationed. All with burnt out engines.)
Narrator: "Oh-oh. Looks like we've got a real crisis folks.
(Penelope Pitstop stands anxiously beside her car The Compact Pussycat Number 5 which is panting and sweating in the heat. Its tongue out gasping.)
Penelope: "Oh dear! My poor little ole car."
Narrator: "The Wacky Racers are all out of the race and it hasn't even started yet."
(Peter Perfect stands by his car The Turbo Terrific Number 9. It is stung by a sunbeam which goes along the length of the car. The car goes to pieces.)
Peter. "Oh fiddlesticks."
(Rufus Ruffcut and Sawtooth stand in front of a blazing Buzz Wagon Number 10. Rufus is holding a fire extinguisher trying desperately to put the fire out.)
Narrator: "Wow! Looks like the Buzz Wagon's a real hotrod now." (chuckles)
Rufus: (faces the audience) "Grrrrr!"
Narrator "S-ssorry, Rufus."
(The Anthill Mob are gathered round The Bullet Proof Bomb Number 7, fanning the car's radiator with their hats)
Ring-a-Ding: "Duh! Is our car going to melt, Clyde?
Clyde: (turns to him and stops fanning) "Nah! Just your head, dum-dum!") (snatches Ring-a-Ding's hat and puts it right over his head)
Ring-a-Ding: (from under the hat) "Sorry, Boss!"
Sergeant Blast and Private Meekly are standing in front of the Army Surplus Special. It's radiator is overheated
Private Meekly: "Oh-oh Sarge, Our radiator's flooded"
Sergeant Blast "Don't worry Meekly. I'll sort this out" (He climbs up to his seat on the turret and pounds down the water) "That oughta do it." (A rumbling starts and Sergeant Blast is catapulted upwards like a geyser)
Sergeant Blast: "MEEKLY"
Narrator "Whoops" Looks like Sergeant Blast is all washed up. Ha ha!
(Muttley is standing happily by himself)
Narrator: "Are you a hot dog, Muttley?" (chuckles)
Muttley: (shakes head and points upward to a raincloud which rains on him)
Narrator: "How about that? Muttley's keeping cool under a Creepy Coupe raincloud."
Muttley: (sighs contently)
"MUTTLEY!" (booms a familiar voice.)
Muttley: (jumps)
(enter Dick Dastardly)
Dick Dastardly: "Get back to work you moth-eaten doormat! You're not going on strike!" (The raincloud strikes Dastardly's rear with a lightning bolt)
Dick Dastardly: "Yeeeouch!" On second thought, move over Muttley!
(Muttley moves over and Dick cools his burnt bottom with the rainwater)
Dick Dastardly: (sighs very contently) "That's better."
Muttley: (wheezes)
Later...
Narrator: "Attention fans! The Racers have agreed with the judges to run the race whilst the cars are in for under repairs."
(The starting pistol sounds)
Narrator: "They're off." The Wacky Racers will be hot-footing it through the South West American Desert..."
(The Slag Brothers Rock and Gravel run past the camera)
Slag Brothers: (together) "Ouch! Oh! Ohh! Eee! Oooh-oooh! Ouch!"
Narrator: ... "In err... more ways than one!"
(Enter Luke riding atop of Blubber Bear like a horse.
Blubber stands on his hind legs and blubbers)
Luke (takes off his hat) "Yeeeeeee-hoooooooooo!" (They both ride off)
Narrator: ..."and what a wild and wacky race it is." (
Freeze Frame The Jet Ready, Jet Set, Go! Race!
(Dick Dastardly and Muttley run past and knock against an arrow pointing which way to go. They stop. Dick Dastardly grins slyly at the audience) "Ooops! Looks like they're going the scenic route." (cackles as they continue on)
(Peter and Penelope are running side by side)
Peter: "Hi there, pretty Penny!"
Penelope: (waves) "Hi, 'y'all." (blows him a kiss which lands on his cheek)
Peter: (awestruck runs in daze before tripping and spinning on the aforementioned arrow and lands squarely on something)
Narrator: "Pete! Are you all right? That was a neat landing."
Peter: Neat? (Camera pulls back to reveal he's landed on a cactus) "I'd say that was a perfect landing." (looks downs, then faces the audience) Yeeeaooow! (leaps upwards off screen)
Narrator: "Yes, I get the point." (chuckles) "Meanwhile Rufus Ruffcut is trying to pass The Anthill Mob."
(The Anthill Mob pull out their guns at Rufus)
Clyde: "Back off Rufus! We've no car but we got our seven six-shooters."
Rufus: "So you wanna play rough do yah? O.K." (Rufus picks up a large stone and bowls it at the Ants. They break like bowling pins)
Rufus: "ST-RIKE!" (punches the air)
Narrator: "...And the Anthill Mob have been bowled over. Ah but wait a minute... What's dirty Dick up to now?"
(Dick Dastardly is reading a large book entitled "1001 Dirty Tricks For Double-Dealing Do-Badders." He slams the book shut)
Dick Dastardly: "I can't believe it Muttley! I've tried every dirty trick in the book and the racers are still catching up. Now what am I going to do? (has a double take. He's spied Wile E Coyote with a new ACME Jet Pack. Wile E leaves to consult the instructions)
"A-ha! What's this? I'll just pinch this scrawny furball's jet pack and this race will be in the bag." (cackles)
(Dick stretches his arm all the way along and snatches the jet pack and retracts his arm and hands the remote control to Muttley.)
Dick Dastardly: (puts the jet pack on) O.K, Muttley. When I say now. Push the big red button."
Muttley: (ponders the remote) Huh?
Dick Dastardly: (adjusts the strap) "Hmmm, let me see now..."
Muttley: (pushs the button)
(The Jet Pack roars into life)
Dick Dastardly: (alarmed) "No! Muttley Not Nowwwwww! (Is jetted offscreen and into the distance) MUTTLEEEEYYYY!"
Muttley: (wheezes)
Dick Dastardly: (plows through dust, sand, debris, cacti and makes his imprint in the canyon rocks until he lands pancaked in front of the finish line)
Narrator: "Oooh, that's gotta hurt. Here comes the winner! It's Number 9 Peter Perfect. Rufus Ruffcut is second and the Gruesome Twosome are third."
(Peter is at the podium getting the cup and applause.
A bruised and battered Dick Dastardly approaches.)
Dick Dastardly: "That cup is mine. Give it here!" (A cartoon cloud forms at the two fight over the cup)
Dick Dastardly: "Give it! Mine! Drat!"
Peter: "Gracious! Heavens!" " Oh my"
(They both lie in the dust dazed)
Narrator: "Tough luck Dick. Good News though your car is mended."
Dick Dastardly: "Oh, goody!"
(The Road Runner races past followed by the Coyote)
Dick Dastardly: Huh?
(The Road Runner runs past the Mean Machine and around it Wile E. screeches to a halt beside it. He turns to the audience and smiles broadly and wiggles eyebrows. He gets in and starts the engine)
Dick Dastardly: "Hold it! (hold up hand in a "Stop" fashion." the Road Runner and Wile E in the Mean Machine run over him and off into the distance)
Dick Dastardly: (having been pancaked again lifts head) "Drat and double drat!"
Muttley: (wheezes)
(Wacky Races is copyrighted by Hanna-Barbera and Warner Brothers. Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner are trademarks of Warner Brothers Entertainment Inc. This is a work of fan fiction. This has been produced solely through my love of Wacky Races and Looney Tunes and is dedicated to everyone at the studio. No infringement is intended.)