A/N: This story is inspired and based on Nostalgia Critic's reviews on horrible and heavily-criticized movies, and I DO NOT OWN any characters from Little Witch Academia, content, sources or anything, just an idea to make this story interesting and hilarious. Rated T-M for bad words.
In the first non-canon and humorous story of this fanfic series, which has characters from Little Witch Academia, Amanda O'Neill reviews and comments on the awful, negatively-reviewed and Joel Cohen-written Garfield the Movie. (Special cameos from Trigger's shows, including Darling in the Franxx, makes a short appearance in this review)
LUNA NOVA
Amanda O'Neill's Commentary on Garfield the Movie (Part 1)
Amanda O'Neill had recently got the live-action Garfield movie, and she went to her room in the academy as she then decided to watch and review on the Garfield movie.
"Timing is everything.", said Amanda as she sat on her chair at her desk, starting her commentary on Garfield, "Who would've thought that the Coen brothers would actually make a Garfield movie? They've should've done it, with my favorite cinematographer Roger Deakins. I mean this...newspaper comic strip that was also a Saturday morning cartoon, and the directors of gritty surreal suspense? They just go hand in hand! But actually, they did not direct this Garfield movie I'm about to review. Too bad Bill Murray didn't know that he signed on to do the first one... Not that Bill Murray's a bad choice to play Garfield, in fact that it's actually fitting seeing how the late Lorenzo Music replace Murray as Peter in The Real Ghostbusters, and now Murray is replacing Music as Garfield. However, that wasn't the reason he did it. He agreed to it because he thought the writer, Joel Cohen, was of the critically acclaimed Coen Brothers, when really, he was from the critically panned Cheaper By the Dozen. Because of this, Murray didn't read the entire script and blindly agreed to take the role.", she says before gritting her teeth with a worried frown, "Big of a mistake there..."
Garfield
Amanda first comments, "What followed was a painfully painful bit of pain that's so bad that even Murray's talent couldn't save it. Fans of anything Garfield could quickly see not only did this have little to do with what mad the character so entertaining, but it was going to punish you for liking those things to begin with. It's a hard one to watch whether you're a fan of the beloved cartoon or not.", as she then started, "There's a lot of kitty litter to get through, so let's get scooping, this is Garfield.", with the beginning of the movie's credits shown, "As the credits roll, we see pictures of a man who clearly likes his pet too much, who wears a suit and a picture of your cat, unless you're a Bond villain, when we get our first glimpse of our main character."
Garfield's first moment in the film is shown as he slept on his small bed with Pooky seen on the side, as the fat cat gets out of bed, saying "I hate Mondays."
"My God, it's that hideous.", Amanda continued sarcastically, "Not only is he sinfully ugly, but the CG is so bad that I actually think that the hand-drawn commercials from the past looked more convincing. He looks like Grumpy Cat if she was shit out by Chester Cheetah. Just to give you an idea...", she then said before she pulls out a big book and places it on the table after lifting it, "This book here is the collection of jokes I made just based on his appearance! But, seeing how this is a short review, let's just stick to the best of the best.", as she continues, "The Sunkist Tumor, Garfield, seems to do things associated with the comic Garfield; eats lasagna, annoys his owner Jon, played by Breckin Meyer, who we pray to God will make fun of this in Robot Chicken, which of course, he did, and Garfield also talks with annoying friends like Nermal.", before Amanda sees Nermal in the movie and was alerted a bit by his appearance, "WHO the fuck is that...?", before saying afterwards, "Uh, maybe you heard me wrong. 'Hangs out with Nermal.' NERMAL!"
A scene shows Garfield and Nermal talking and hanging out in the neighborhood during the movie.
The tomboy witch questions, "You...you're really going with that, huh? That- That is Nermal? Last time I checked, Nermal was said to be the world's cutest kitty cat. He was innocent, had a sweet high-pitched voice, and Garfield resented how adorable he was. Here...well, you got that he's a cat!", sarcastically before playfully joking, "Yay, fucking well done! You looked on the back of a Garfield Show DVD box!", before resuming, "It makes even less sense because Garfield doesn't have any reason to hate him. He's not cute, he's not a kitten, he doesn't really do anything that annoying, yet Garfield still puts him through this implausible mousetrap stunt."
One of the next scenes show Garfield putting Nermal in the short makeshift mousetrap stunt, carrying him up and causing a small chain reaction that causes a bottle of milk to spill onto the line of the wood it's on, as Garfield drank the milk coming down from it, burping before asking, "Got Milk?" Amanda was a bit surprised by this moment in the movie.
"Wow. You're really proud of that one, weren't you? I mean, it wasn't like a side joke or something you said under your breath. No, no, you made sure everything went quiet, to deliver that incredible zinger.", the Luna Nova witch says, before the Got Milk Garfield joke is shown again, "Ow, BAM! It's a thing that said and now you said it! It worked on so many levels! Hey, hey. I got one!", clearing her throat, "Got-any-idea-what-the-fuck-they-were-thinking-when-they-made-this-GOD-awful-PIECE-OF-SHIT-MOVIE?!", immediately apologizing and continuing, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I know I'm only about five minutes in, but I can just tell pain is guaranteed on this viewing. It would say it on the ticket stub, as required by the FCC. Still hate Ajit Pai though..."
The next part of the movie shows Jon seeing a mouse and he tells Garfield to chase it.
Amanda said, "So The Font of Fungus, Garfield, also spends his time socializing with the mouse named Louis."
This scene also shows Garfield talking with the mouse Louis, as the mouse wanted macadamia nut cookies in Jon's house that he is trying to maintain and is craving for, but Garfield talked to him that he is forced to eat him.
"You know, this conversation is so believable, I mean between Garfield, The Annoying Orange Trifle, I know isn't there, and the mouse that's clearly being tortured by someone waving cheese above him, I'm really enjoying how these two fake effects are not distracting from the moment at all.", admitted the tomboy Amanda, continuing to the next scene, "He also enjoys, as you've probably observed, making really forced jokes."
The scene afterwards shows Garfield making comments and jokes on the Kibbly Kat commercial.
The O'Neill girl considered, "Well, if it leads to a cinematic testicle chop like this, I suppose no one."
This scene also shows Jon, who had seen Garfield ate all four lasagnas, decided to bring him to a special place, as Garfield asks if it's either Chuck E Cheese, Wendy's, Taco Bell, or Olive Garden.
"What about product placement? Are we going to product placement? I heard they have really good 'BUY THIS SHIT!'", wondered Amanda jokingly, as she told the next part of this story, "He takes The Pumpkin Cancer, Garfield, to a vet named Liz played by Jennifer Love Hewitt."
Jon and Liz in this scene were shown talking like a couple in a rom-com, which was WAY different from the comic.
The Luna Nova witch told, "And you've probably noticed the main problem with her as it's the exact same problem with Jon, they're both too good-looking and bland. Don't get me wrong, but these two have done great stuff in other films, but-", before Amanda sighs a bit arrogantly as she asked, "Who is Jon? He's a doofus, he's a dork, he's a loser that always strikes out. Who is Liz? She's a cynic, she's a smart mouth, she doesn't care to impress anyone, especially him.", before continuing, "Here, they are fucking greeting card commercial. They're not funny, they're not smart, they're not quirky, and their chemistry is about as convincing as this nurse holding 'a wad of lifeless air'. Oh, sorry. I mean, Garfield. But Liz decides to give Jon a dog. Kinda random..."
In this scene, Liz gives Jon a dog, who is named Odie, as she informs him that the dog is needing a home and an owner to stay with.
"Okay, okay, couple of things. First, there's gotta be a ton of dogs around there that don't have homes. What makes this one so special? Second, FUCK YOU, that's not Odie! I mean, what the hell? If Garfield can look like a computer-generated abortion, why can't Odie look more like the cartoon? I mean for fuck's sake, at least make him a beagle or a basset hound, I mean...what the piss is this? Are you trying to go for the Goomba Award, which is inspired by the horribly Goombas from Super Mario Bros, and making something that looks like something not look like something? How come the majority of the characters look nothing like the ones they were based on?", Amanda ranted, as she then said, "It be like totally changing characters around here, right, Constanze?", before the young witch, which she was about to continue, hears a different voice, even though she hasn't heard Constanze talk before.
But it wasn't her friend Constanze.
The witch turns to her right to see Luluco from Space Patrol Luluco standing by the door of the room, as she says, "I agree with you on that one. Plus, Constanze just went to the bathroom, she just communicated with some sign language by the way.", before she left the room.
"Wow, she sure came here unexpectedly.", said the tomboy Amanda to herself, asking her other friend, "Isn't she, Prisminka?", just before she heard another different voice.
She then turns to her left to see Inferno Cop sitting on a chair on the other side of the room, saying, "You darn right, totally strange. Prisminka just went to get some snacks downstairs, she told me.", before he leaves the room too.
"Can't fault on that logic though-", the Luna Nova witch shrugs before suddenly hearing Lotte come to the room, who was sporting a brown wig, no glasses and a outfit similar to Darling in the Franxx's Stamen.
Lotte asks, "Hi, Amanda! How does my cosplay look on Darling in the Franxx? Reminds me of that guy Zorome. You think so?", before she removes her wig and puts on her glasses, "Is it good?"
"...Yep. Your cosplay almost seems exactly the same.", smiled Amanda, winking and giving Lotte a thumbs up before she leaves the room.
Meanwhile, at Mistelteinn (in the Darling in the Franxx universe), Zorome was receiving a cellphone call about this cosplay during Amanda's review in his Stamen bedroom before he hung up and rudely said, "That SON OF A BITCH! I knew I kept that gun for awful cosplay occasions like this for a good reason! Time for a sudden crossover!", as he then was about to leave, but suddenly and accidentally stubs on one of the beds during this.
Amanda continues the Garfield review, "So they take Odie home to Jon's Hollywood rich house paid by no-see-able occupation, where Odie and The Lorax's Butt, Garfield, don't seem to get along. You can tell of course because they have...a dance-off..."
This next scene shows Garfield and Odie having a dance-off, to which Garfield enjoys is that he is walking the dog.
"...Well, I hope you're blown away by this, folks, because it takes up a good couple minutes.", the Luna Nova witch said.
The same scene also shows Garfield showing up as the two dance in a dance-off together in the house.
The tomboy wondered, "Yeah...have you ever wanted to entertain your baby while punishing him at the same time? Well, just show Q'bert's nutsack, Garfield's dancing here and that'll give him nightmares for a week."
This scene continues as Garfield does more slick dance moves while Odie jumps on his hind legs.
"I never thought of saying this before, but...", mumbles Amanda as she then said out loud, "...you could be watching actual cat videos and probably get a lot more fun out of it.", continuing the story, "So Jon and Liz take Odie to a dog show that she has to judge. Oh, are they gonna try to submit him or something? No, they just brought him so he can watch... Bizarrely useless. But Charmander's pubic hair, Garfield, follows and naturally gets in trouble."
For this next scene shows Garfield seen on the back of the truck when he followed Jon, Liz and Odie, who he plans a mild concussion, or a CAT scan, the latter being a joke.
The Luna Nova witch facepalms to this scene in disappointment, who questions, "Quick vote. Um...do you think the writer worked hours on that joke? Like stayed up super late at night coffee after coffee, copy after copy, trying to perfect that joke? Or...do you feel he ate some paper, drank some ink and farted out a screenplay?", before she looks at an immediate poll, with 10% of them saying the screenwriter tried, while 90% said the screenwriter farted out, "I am watched by good people.", as she resumes, "The dogs chase Wilford Brimley's urine-stained mustache, Garfield, while Odie gets up and starts to do...this."
The dog show scene then shows Odie in the dog show, who, when listening to the same music on the stereo like at home with Garfield, he dances to it by jumping and walking on his hind legs.
"Well, I- I guess it is kind of amazing! Can science explain this, a dog on his hind legs? It just never happens!", playfully said Amanda sarcastically, who then continues her joke, "I mean- Fuck the bodily cat that do celebrity impressions, karate moves, dance, an ability to eat a lot, and leap beyond any realm of reality...THIS dog is on his hind legs!", who says entertainingly.
During this scene as Odie finishes his dance, it was earned by a standing ovation by Jon, Liz, and the rest of the judges and the audience.
The tomboy then said, "Well- Of course it deserves a standing ovation! What are we, just blind to miracles?", clapping in applause, as she sees in the scene when Odie, Jon and Liz were on the newspaper on the front with the article called A Fabulous Dancing Puppy Called Odie. "The front page of the newspaper! Naturally! This is big news people! A dog stood on his hind legs!"
The applauding audience scene and the judge saying Odie's hind legs dancing was amazing was shown again.
"Let's see what else they'll applaud.", the tomboy smirks, before saying as she grabs her wand, "Oh look! Magic spells!", she said first as the audience in the film, including Jon, was seen clapping from the movie, as if they applauded this. Secondly, Amanda then took her shoes off and removes her socks, revealing her bare feet as she shows her worn socks, "My stinky socks!", she said secondly before the same clip with Jon and the audience applauding was shown. Lastly, the Luna Nova witch looks around for something, before grabbing a bottle of water and slamming it on her desk, "Water!", before the same clip with the audience clapping too was shown. Glad, Amanda said, "Well, I think we found our real headline; Town High As Hell. Now it's starting to see why Garfield eats so much.", before saying her last quote at the end of the first part of the review, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be right back.", before she left the room.
To be continued...