I had always loved Romano. Ever since I was his boss and he was a little kid, I had always wanted to show affection towards him. I wanted to show my love towards him. Then, it was a protective friendly love, but it has since grown into something more. I'm always happy and hugging him and trying to show it, but sometimes… I just don't know if he feels the same… I think he might hate me…
"You damn bastard! Get the fuck off of me!" Romano shoves me away as I wrap my arms around him playfully.
"Aww, but Roma~ I just wanna cuddle with you!" I say.
"No, tomato bastard. Go away!" He grumbles. He'd always been grumpy towards everyone but I had always figured it was just him being a moody kid. But now he's grown up and that still hasn't changed. I thought maybe he would learn to be nice, but I guess not.
"You're so mean!" I pout. "I know a way to cheer you up!" I put on a large smile.
"Oh, and what might that be?"
"Tomato!" I reach down and grab one from the basket on the table. I present it in front of his face.
He raises his hand for a moment like he's going to smack it away but hesitates. He then grabs it and storms off, taking a bite out of the red food. I laugh and follow him. "You know, while you're staying here with Boss, we should go sightseeing!"
"Sightseeing? I used to live here, I've been everywhere."
"Yeah, but it's been so long! Some things have changed and maybe you forgot! Please~" I hang on his arm.
He quickly shakes me off. "Fine, bastardo! Just no more touching!" He hurries and finds his way into the guest bedroom he's been staying in, slamming the door in my face.
I just laugh. "Be ready in ten minutes!" I call through the door and I wander back to my own room across the hall. I flop down on my bed, sighing heavily. He agreed to go with me sightseeing! But… he doesn't seem happy about it. It's like he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. No! I can't be thinking that way! Of course he wants to go, there's no way he wouldn't want to hang out with me! No way!
…Right?
Just as I start to shut my eyes, there is a loud bang on the door of my room. "Tomato bastardo! Didn't you want to leave?"
My eyes snap open and I immediately plaster that smile on again. "Of course, Roma~!" I quickly get up and open the door. He's leaning against the wall across from the door. He had changed his white t-shirt into a dark green button down shirt. He continued to wear the same jeans as before.
"Ooh, I like that shirt on you!" I say.
"Yeah, and you look so good in that disgustingly bright shirt of yours." He remarks sarcastically, gesturing to my orange button down.
"Why, thanks! I like this shirt!" I say, acting like it was a compliment. I know he insulted me, it's just better not to show it.
He rolls his eyes, muttering 'stupid Spaniard' quietly. "Let's get this over with." He walks towards the front door. I quickly follow finding my shoes along the way, hopping to slip them on. Romano glances back at me. "You look stupid."
I just laugh at the remark. "I know!" I watch as he slips his own shoes on and walks out the door. I follow and shut the door behind me. I walk up next to him and we make our way to my car. I get into the driver's side and he sits in the passenger's seat.
"Where the hell are we going anyways?" He crosses his arms and looks out the window as we start driving.
"I thought we could head over to the coast. It's really pretty this time of year." I roll the windows down, letting the wind tug at my hair.
Romano's curl flails around. "You say that about everything in this damn country of yours."
"Only because it's true! I would never lie!" I grin.
"Hmmph." He just stares out the window. It doesn't take us too long to get to the coast. I know every place here and this is a quiet and secluded one. It's not open for tourists to go to so it will be just Romano and I. I pull into the bare dirt patch I've used to park before.
"Where the fuck are we? There's nobody here, or even in the area! We're in the middle of nowhere!"
"We are not in the middle of nowhere! This place is just more peaceful than other spots on the coast." I stop the car and get out. Romano huffs and gets out. He squints and looks around. Before he can make some remark, I start walking down the hill at the edge of the dirt patch and through some trees. The trees are the only reason that nobody comes here; there isn't a path for people to get through.
"Bastard, this is ridiculous! Why can't you be normal for once and drag me somewhere that's not stupid?"
I try to ignore the remark and I keep walking. "You'll like this! It's really pretty and calm and there are beautiful seashells!"
"I'm not my brother, ya know! I don't care about that kind of shit."
"I know you're not Veneziano, but I know you'll like this anyways." I push past the last little bit of bushes and my feet sink in the soft sand. The waves roll in gently on the beach. As I said before, seashells of different sizes line the sand. The afternoon sun beats down, warming the sand and the water. A gentle breeze blows through, rustling the leaves of the bushes and trees behind us.
I look back at Romano. "So, what do you think? Was I right? Do you like it?" I ask. He looks around for a little.
"It's not bad. But what are we going to do? Stand here and bake in the sun?"
"No, of course not, silly! We're going swimming!"
"Swimming? But we don't…" I don't wait to hear the rest of what he's going to say. I unbutton my shirt and toss it to the side in the sand. I do that with the rest of my clothes until I'm in my boxers. "Wh-what are you doing?!" Romano exclaims.
"Going swimming, obviously! I'm not going to swim in my clothes." I look at him. "What are you waiting for? Get undressed!"
"No! I'm not going to be in just my boxers with you around!"
"Come on, do it or I'll push you in the water with your clothes still on~!"
"You wouldn't fucking dare!" He hisses.
"Oh, but I would!" I grin.
"Fine! You stupid fucking tomato bastardo…" He grumbles and begins unbuttoning his shirt. I watch him as he undresses. As he pulls off the white tank top he had on underneath the button down, I see the tanned skin of his chest revealed. Unlike his brother, he is darker and more muscular. He's certainly not as muscular as some of us, but he's definitely not scrawny and thin. His slim structure suits him well. He pulls off his jeans, which leaves him in his white boxers with little tomatoes covering them.
"That's adorable! I love your tomato boxers, Roma~!"
"Shut up!" His face turns a little red. "Like yours are any better!" I look down at my own boxers. They're the ones of my country's flag.
"These are my favorites!" I give him my bright smile again. "Now come on! The sun's not going to be out all day!" With that, I run towards the water. I hop around the sharp, colorful shells and stick one foot in the salty water. I shiver a little and pull away. "Oh, it's chilly!" I brace myself for the cold this time and step in again. This time, it's not so bad. I walk a little farther in so the water comes up to my knees. "Come on, Roma! It feels good!"
Romano, who hasn't moved at all, just looks at me. "I don't want to."
"I don't care! Come on! Have some fun!"
"Fine…" He trudges through the sand and steps into the water reluctantly.
"All the way in!"
"I'm in the water and this is as far as I'm going to go." He says stubbornly.
"Nope!" I grab his arm and pull him down into the water.
"Gah! Bastard!" is all he can say before we both fall into the water. My head goes underwater and Romano lands on top of me. I struggle for a moment to get to air. When I finally do get my head up, I cough and laugh at the same time. Romano is on top of me, groaning and grumbling. "Why the fuck did you do that, idiot?"
"Because you wouldn't get in the water!" I cough up a little bit of water. The salty taste coats my mouth and burns my throat. Despite that, I continue to smile for Romano, not showing the discomfort.
He rolls off of me and sits in the water. "You're such an idiot…" I merely laugh and try to ignore the insult.
I look around in the water and find a large shell. I pick it up and wash the sand out of the deep ridges in its surface. It's colored white speckled with pink. I hold it in front of Romano. "Isn't it pretty?"
"No, it's a shell."
"But it's a pretty shell!" His only response is a shrug. I set the shell back in the water and stand on my knees. I look around and make my way farther into the water. It gradually gets deeper and soon it's up to my neck. I peer down into the water, looking for any movement. I eventually spot something large passing by.
"Roma! Look! A sea turtle!" I point at it and look back at Romano. He looks at me, his eyes wide.
"Ah! I hate turtles!"
"Oh, it's not going to hurt anyone. Come see it!" I turn and watch the turtle as it swims by.
'No!" He stands up and backs away a little. He shakes his head and walks back towards the beach.
"Wait, where are you going?" I call after him.
"What? I'm not allowed to piss now?" He snaps. "Leave me alone, you stupid tomato bastardo…" He grumbles as he walks back into the trees. I watch him until he's completely out of sight.
I move back to where it's a bit shallower, the smile dropping from my face. I sigh and shut my eyes. I turn my back towards the trees and rest my head in my hands. I think he really might hate me… Those insults really hurt. He's constantly calling me a bastard and an idiot and is always swearing at me… I used to think he didn't mean any of it but… I think he does.
My eyes snap open at the realization. He does hate me. He wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I think I knew it a while ago, but I didn't want to accept it. That's why my smiles became more forces, my laughs became fake, and I tried to ignore the insults…
I know he hates me, and that's why I'm trying to hold back tears right now.
I know I can't cry right now, I can't let him see me cry. He'll hate me even more if he knows I'm weak like this or if he knows how I really feel. I can't let that happen but… I can't help it. A few tears well up in my eyes.
The same words repeat in my mind: "he hates you", "you're an idiot", "he doesn't care about you", "you're just some annoying bastard". Those words repeat over and over and they consume my thoughts. He really does hate me. Maybe he's always hated me. I shouldn't have made him come with me here.
My thoughts start to go crazy just as I start to cry.
What if he's not the only one who hates me?
What if I'm just an obnoxious idiot?
What if they all just talk about me behind my back?
Maybe I should just go away…
"Bastardo! What are you doing?" I hear Romano from behind me. I sniffle a few times and wipe my eyes before turning around to look at him, that same smile back on my face.
"I was looking at seashells! Do you want to see?" I quickly lie. I seem to do that a lot.
"No, that's just stupid. You act like a little kid."
I don't allow my smile to falter. "But it's fun! Come on, I'll show you the different shells." He sighs and crouches down next to me. I pick up a shell and show it to him. "See? I like this one, it's swirled and has the white spots."
He shrugs. "It's still childish."
"We were all little kids once though! I remember when you were small! So cute~!"
"Shut up! I thought you were showing me shells or some shit like that."
"Yeah, I was!" I pick up another shell and hold it up. "Look! This one is really big." I hold it on the palm of my hand and it covers most of my hand. When Romano doesn't say anything, I look over at him. He's just gazing down in the water, shifting around some shells with his fingers. He pulls a small starfish out of the water.
"Wow! So cool, Roma!" I lean over to see the starfish better. "I'm surprised I didn't see that earlier."
"If you find it so damned interesting, have it." He tosses it at me. I catch it and inspect it, turning it over. I'm glad I have the slight distraction of looking at shells and starfish. I almost broke down a moment ago, I need to push those things out of my mind. I tell myself: try to have a little fun, Antonio…
After a little while longer of looking at seashells, Romano stands up. "This is boring. I'm going swimming."
"Ooh, fun! I'll go with you!"
"Yeah, whatever, bastardo." He walks farther into the water and goes underwater. I look around for him for a moment before he resurfaces, wiping his wet hair out of his face. I dive into the water and swim over to him. When I come back above water, I realize I can't feel the bottom. I tread water and look around, spotting him a few feet away.
"I love swimming! Isn't this fun?" I say. He just looks at me and pushes my head underwater. Not expecting it, I get a little water up my nose and I struggle against his hand. After a few moments he pushes me down farther and moves his hand away. I manage to get my head back above water.
I cough and sputter out water. Don't be mad, I tell myself, act like it's no big deal. It doesn't matter. I cough up some more water and my throat and nose burn from the salt. "Roma, you're so mean!" I whine, trying to laugh through the coughing.
"You were being childish again." He looks at me, no other emotion in his eyes than annoyance.
Once I finally stop coughing and hacking, I look at him. "Do you want to go home?" I say, defeated.
"Yeah, sure. I don't care." He shrugs.
"Alright then, let's go." I start swimming back to shore. I can feel his eyes on me. What am I doing…? I think to myself. Act happy, you can't be like this…
I reach the sandy beach and walk up it. I grab my clothes and slip my shirt on, not bothering to button it. Romano does the same, shaking out his hair as he walks over to where I am.
"Maybe we can go get something to eat! I'm getting hungry." I suggest, trying to act like my usual happy self.
"Can't you just make something at home? I'm tired."
"Oh… Yeah, of course!" I say. I start making my way back through the trees, the rest of my clothes in my hand. I silently get into the car when we get there and start it. As soon as Romano is situated in his seat, I start driving back to the house. It's a silent and slightly awkward ride back. I feel like I should say something. I wouldn't normally be this quiet. Say something, Antonio, you idiot.
"So what do you want to eat?" I try.
"I don't care. Something with tomatoes." He says, not really paying attention to me.
"Like what? You can be so picky sometimes."
"I'm picky?" He snaps. "Fine. Make spaghetti." He states.
"Ok! I just bought some noodles the other day and there are fresh tomatoes I can use to make the sauce!" I glance at him. "Do you want to help?"
"No." He says simply.
"Aww, please!"
"I said no." I decide not to put up a fight. I don't want him to hate me any more than he already does…
The rest of the ride is silent. I pull into the driveway of my house and we get out of the car. "I'm going to go change and start dinner, ok?" I say.
"Yeah, whatever." Romano just walks into the house. I follow him and watch as he goes into his bedroom, slamming the door, as usual.
I wander into my own room and shut the door quietly. I toss my clothes aside and take off my shirt and boxers. Feeling some water drip from my hair onto my shoulder, I go into my bathroom to take a shower. I turn on the water and wait for it to warm up. I glance in the mirror and look at my reflection.
My dark curly hair is wet and hanging down, sticking to my neck and forehead. My tanned skin is a tiny bit darker because of the summer sun. The pale white scars from old battles stick out on my chest and arms. I look into my own eyes and notice the dark bags starting to form under them. The rims of my eyes are slightly red. Overall, I look tired. And honestly, I look almost sad. It's probably because of all those sleepless nights I spend crying into my pillow. Despite my cheerfulness on the outside, I'm breaking down inside, and it's starting to show…
I shake my head and get into the shower. Fifteen minutes later, I step out of the shower and dry of my hair with a towel. I wrap the towel around my waist and go back into my room. I slip on some clothes, a t-shirt showing a Spanish soccer team and a pair of sweatpants; I'm obviously not going out again today.
I leave my room and walk into the kitchen, glancing at Romano's room on the way. The door is still shut so he must still be in there. I look around the kitchen and start boiling the water in a pot. While I let that boil, I find the tomatoes and the cutting board. I set one on the cutting board and look around for the knife. I find it laying on the counter. I pick it up and start slicing the tomato.
When I start on the second tomato, I accidentally cut my finger. I wince a little and inspect the cut. A few drops of blood fall from it. It didn't really hurt though… It didn't hurt at all actually.
It felt kinda… nice.
I look at the knife, some of my blood mixing with the tomato juice on the tip. Then I look at the skin of my wrist. It felt good… so why not?
I've never done anything like this before; I never thought to. I take a shaky breath and hold the cold blade against my skin.
He hates me…
I can feel my eyes become hot with tears. A few of them fall down my cheek.
I'm not good enough…
I press the knife into my skin. The skin splits a little, a few droplets of blood forming.
I'm just an obnoxious idiot…
I drag the blade across my skin, creating a cut in my arm. A little blood trails down my skin and drips onto the floor.
He hates me…
I lift the knife up and place it on another spot on my arm.
This feels nice…
I start to make another cut when I hear a loud gasp behind me. I look around to see Romano staring at me, wide eyed.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" He rushes over to me, grabbing the knife from my hand.
"Give that back!" I growl. I reach for the knife but he pushes me back.
"No! Are you stupid? Why the hell are you doing that to yourself?"
"Give it back!" I cry. "It's none of your business!"
He glares at me and slaps me across the face. "None of my business?! It is my business! You should not be hurting yourself like that! Now tell me why!" I just look away from him, crying harder than before. He sets the knife on the counter, out of my reach, and grabs me by the shoulders. "Look at me."
I don't move.
"I said look at me, damn it!" I slowly lift my eyes to look at his face. I see a look on his face that I recognize, but it's now much stronger. When I used to come back from war, covered in wounds and weak, he would look at me like this. Anger that I got hurt and worry that I would be ok.
It's like it's magnified a hundred times now though.
"Why did you do that to yourself?" He asks in a softer voice. "What's wrong, Antonio?" He uses my real name, catching my attention.
"I…" I start but pause. "You hate me, why do you even care…?" I say quietly, looking away again.
He looks at me in what seems to be disbelief. "Hate you…? Why the hell would you think I hate you?!" I look up at him, confused. "I don't fucking hate you! Yeah, you're annoying and whatever but I don't hate you! Everything I say to insult you… I don't mean it…" His face turns a shade of red. "I…"
I wait for him to continue, trying to stop the tears from flowing from my eyes.
"Fuck it all, I love you, Antonio!" He finally says. "There's no way I could ever hate you! I love you, I have for the longest time… I might call you an idiot and a bastardo but… I love you, damn it! And if you ever did anything to hurt yourself again, I swear…" He pauses and looks at my arm. "I'm never going to leave your side, you hear me? I won't let you feel upset ever again."
I stay silent for some time, just looking at him.
"Damn it, say something, Antonio…"
For once in the longest time, I give him a real smile. "I love you too, Lovino…" He smiles, a rare sight for him, and pulls me close. He wraps his arms around me and holds me. I bury my face in his neck, still crying quietly. "I love you so much…" I whisper.
"Then quit crying… I don't like it when you cry…" He rubs my back, sighing.
I laugh a little bit. "You're being nice… It's not normal."
"You being sad and hurting yourself isn't normal, so shut it." He squeezes me tightly before pulling back. He grabs my arm and runs a finger next to the deeper of the cuts. "Let's get this cleaned up." He says. He grabs me by the hand and leads me to the bathroom.
I stand there while he wets down a towel. He holds my arm in one hand and wipes away the blood with the towel. I smiles sadly. "I remember I used to have to clean off your scrapes and cuts when you were little. You would always fall down and end up coming to me…" I laugh a little. "You were so cute then…"
"Gee, thanks… Don't tell me I have to take care of your wounds now?" He looks up at me for a second.
"No… You just have to keep me company…" He smiles a tiny bit at that and finishes cleaning the cuts. He grabs a few bandages and puts them over the cuts, hiding them.
"There. Now don't you ever, EVER do that again!" He hugs me again.
"I won't… I don't have a reason to now." I smile.
He pulls back a little, his face centimeters from mine. "I'm glad… Now please go back to that stupid cheerful idiot I know…"
"I will. I promise…" With that, he closes the centimeters between us and kisses me softly. We stay like that for a little, his arms wrapped around my torso, mine around his neck. He pulls away after a little and looks into my eyes, his hazel meeting my green.
"Love you, stupid tomato bastardo…"
I smile a little, a genuine smile this time. "Love you too."