Title: Regrets
Author: Cyclone
Rating: K+
Summary: "I lost everything today and I'm just itching to take it out on someone. I don't want that someone to be you, but if you don't leave then I won't be able to help myself."
Spoilers: Loyalty
~x~
As soon as Alex hung up the phone she knew where she had to go. She felt driven; like something or someone was pushing her, and if she didn't do it now, right this very second, then the moment would be lost and there would be no going back. She took one last look at her gun and badge, and then walked away without looking back.
~x~
On the way over to his apartment she wondered if she was doing the right thing. Maybe he wasn't home. Maybe he didn't want to see her. Maybe it was too soon. The car kept going though, and before she could talk herself out of it she was parked outside his apartment, looking up at a darkened window. She swallowed the little bubble of self-doubt that had been slowly but surely growing since she'd resigned, exited the car and walked into the building. No regrets, she told herself, as she arrived at his door and knocked. And waited. She knocked again. No response. She started walking away, because what else could she do? He wasn't home and probably didn't want to see her anyway. You have a key, a voice in her head pointed out. She stopped mid stride and turned around. She had a key and a million excuses why she shouldn't use it, but she ignored them and opened his door before she could change her mind.
Once inside she fumbled for the light switch and called out, just in case. He didn't reply, but she checked each room anyway. He really wasn't home, so she turned on a lamp, made herself comfortable on the couch and waited. It was a good couple of hours before she heard the jingle of keys hit the floor, followed by a loud 'fuck', and she sat up straight in anticipation. He'd been drinking; she could tell as soon as he opened the door. Alcohol didn't sit well on him; he'd told her once that too many demons came to the surface when he drank, so he didn't indulge often. But he didn't have the look of a man who was at the mercy of his memories; just the look of one who was trying to figure out whether or not he was defeated.
He was half way into the lounge room before he saw her. He stopped when he did but didn't offer her any form of greeting. She felt a moment of trepidation; maybe it was too soon after all. Maybe she should have gone home and let him work through the events of the day by himself. It had probably sunk in by now, and she had been the bearer of bad news. Maybe he blamed her after all. The hairs on the back of her neck prickled and she didn't know whether to get up or stay seated; staying seated would put her at a disadvantage but he'd know the reason why if she stood, and she didn't want to start off on the wrong foot.
In the end it didn't matter. His eyes never left her as he dropped his keys on a side table, made his way to the chair opposite her and sat down. "Go home, Eames," he said. "It's not a good time to be around me."
She tried not to flinch at the tone in his voice. Hard. Brittle. Not at all like the understanding tones earlier that night. "We need to talk," she replied, ignoring the little warning signals that were starting to sound in her head.
"No we don't. It's done. We never have to talk again."
"Bobby – "
"Don't. Just leave."
She hadn't come this far for nothing. And so while everything screamed at her to leave him alone, her voice seemed to have a mind of its own. "No."
"Don't be stupid," he said softly. "I lost everything today and I'm just itching to take it out on someone. I don't want that someone to be you, but if you don't leave then I won't be able to help myself."
She swallowed heavily. "You lost your job. I know how important it was to you, but you didn't lose everything."
"I lost you."
That was the crux of it. She'd known that this was what it would boil down to even before she'd arrived. It was why, after all, that she was here. No regrets. "That's funny, considering I'm sitting right here."
"Eames, I warned you."
"No, I'm warning you, Goren. Snap out of it because I need to tell you some things and you are going to listen."
Her vehemence gave him pause and for a second she thought she had him. But then something shadowed his face and she saw him close the door on her.
"Leave," he said. "I won't tell you again."
She knew she was goading him, but she couldn't stop. "Make me."
"Don't push me, Eames. I'll throw you out; you know I'm capable of it."
"You won't lay a hand on me and we both know it," she scoffed.
"Eames –"
"I'm not scared of you, Goren, and you can't intimidate me. So just shut up and listen."
He kicked the table in a sudden burst of energy, but she didn't even blink. Nine years of learning, and then predicting his behaviour had left her almost unflappable. "What do you want from me?" he yelled. "I'm spent; they've taken everything and there's nothing left."
"They weren't going to let you stay, Bobby. I'm sorry, but if it wasn't me then it would have been someone else. And at least I could do it with the dignity you deserved."
He knew that. He knew that they'd used her to do their dirty work, and it stung that they'd managed to punish them both for his mistakes. "I know you didn't have a choice, and I know you were thinking of me when you did it. But part of me wishes you had had my back. Part of me wishes you had told them all to go to hell, consequences be damned."
"I thought about it," she admitted. "I really did. But in the end, as much as I wanted to, I couldn't leave you in their hands. Don't think for a second that I don't regret the circumstances that led to that decision. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But I wouldn't take it back."
"I know," he said. "I know I never stood a chance. But for them to force you into a position like that; that's what gets me. They knew how you'd react and they used it to try and taint our whole partnership. They wanted me to lose everything."
"Well, they didn't succeed."
"Didn't they?"
"If you want them to win, Bobby, just keep pushing me away. But you won't be able to blame anyone else but yourself."
"I'm not doing that. I'm trying to hang onto you with everything I've got."
"Really? 'See you around sometime?' What the hell is that supposed to mean? That doesn't sound like someone trying to keep me in their life. That sounds like goodbye. A really shitty, lame goodbye."
"You'd just fired me! What else was I supposed to say? Thanks for the memories? Let's stay in touch? Please don't leave me?"
Alex took a breath. "Yes! Ask me not to leave. Tell me not to leave. Grab a hold of me and don't let me go."
His whole demeanour changed. He stilled. His eyes darkened. He didn't even appear to be breathing. "You want me to hold you?"
"I want you to hold me."
"We're not supposed to do this. To feel this."
"Why not?"
"We're partners."
"Not anymore," she said softly.
He winced at the truth of it, but then it hit him. They weren't partners anymore. Of course he'd known that when he'd walked out of Ross' office, and he'd felt that loss immediately, but now he knew it. She was no longer off limits. She was just another woman, and she was here, in his apartment, and she was saying things that she never would have been able to if she hadn't fired him.
"If I do this – if we do this – then it won't be by halves. It'll be all or nothing."
"I know that. Why do you think I'm here?"
She had no regrets about quitting, not yet, but she knew she would. They would be regrets she could live with though. If she walked away from him, away from the chance that they now had, then she might as well have stayed doing a job that was now tainted for her.
"You're here for me?" There was a light in his eyes now.
"Yes," she said simply. "I'm here for you. If you want me."
"I want you." He was surprised that after all those years, it was the easiest thing in the world to admit. "I want you," he said again. "God, I want you."
"Then I'm yours," she whispered, her words all but smothered as he was on her in a heartbeat, his lips insisting, demanding, that she yield. She knew him like she knew herself; knew that he needed this control right now, that he needed her to trust him and surrender. And there was no job or badge standing between them anymore, so she did. No regrets.
End.