"Cleaning Up"
Author's Note: Harry Potter and the rest is to J.K. Rowling.
Oh, a humorous (I hope) fic from me. Yay!!
*
Being bored in spring is a colossal achievement that only one boy has ever perfected in the whole history of Hogwarts. Remus Lupin could swear that it's even written down in Hogwarts, A History somewhere. Perhaps in the thirteenth chapter, where the famous scion of the ancient and most noble House of Black expressed such sentiments to the clear and cloudless skies after lunching with Messrs. Potter, Lupin and Pettigrew:
"My lads, I, Sirius Orion Black, am very much bored."
Adding: "Out of my wits." to express the extent of his malady, or to cut off Peter, who had opened his mouth to say something that might have been 'what else is new?'.
This conversation was a rocky path already much traversed by these honourable gentlemen already mentioned, and Messr. Remus (who believed in tradition) spoke accordingly.
"You might want to consider joining the Quidditch team, Padfoot."
"Do you know what joining the Quiddith team entails, Moony?"
Remus looked at James, who just shrugged. "Why no, Sirius. Tell me."
"Teamwork," Sirius said the word as if it was an Arithmancy problem that needed solving. Not that Sirius was bad at Arithmancy. If Sirius and James weren't a couple of hopeless bastards, Remus would have started wondering how perfect beings like them can exist. Of course, there was the matter of James' smelly feet and Sirius' tendency to enumerate the uses of dragon blood in his sleep, but Remus reckoned girls would go for charming little flaws like those. They'd just eat it up like pudding for dinner.
Add to that Sirius' incapacity to work with others as one of those dashing traits that girls might look for in boys that could be called exciting, and he was just a bleeding romance waiting to happen.
"Well, yes, Black. Teams do need to work together to win," said James, wryly. "Unless you could split yourself into seven, then feel free to tell me all about it."
"And you have to listen to your captain all the time, which, no offense, Potter, is just plain boring." Sirius grinned at the captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, who was sitting on the grass next to him at that moment.
James grinned back. "All right. Point taken. Not like I'll let you get closer than ten feet from my team, anyway, you little wanker."
"Well, it is more interesting watching matches than taking part in them," Peter pointed out.
"Peter loves his comfort, he does," said Sirius.
"And it's easier to keep tabs with bets if you're not flying around looking for balls," said Peter.
"I did not just hear that," said Remus.
"No, Messr. Prefect. That was just Peter farting," said Sirius.
"How about a girlfriend? You can use one, Padfoot," said Remus, hurriedly since Peter was looking quite stormy. While Remus had never seen the smaller boy actually fight Sirius, there was always a first time for everything. "And lots of girls are interested in you, too."
"Pimping me to those munters already, love?" said Sirius, leaning on one hand to look more closely at Remus. "How short-lived is our romance."
"I'm serious."
"Really, pudding? Bloody brilliant. That's my name, as well."
"Merlin knows why your mother gave you such a name," said Remus, looking up at the sky.
"I really love it when you go sarcastic like that, Moony. Turns me on," said Sirius, idly.
James did an eyeroll that shouted 'here they go again' much more effectively than actual words. "Well, Moony does have a point, Sirius. How come you haven't thought about getting yourself a girl?"
"So I can become the hopeless wally you are over Evans? Use your gray matter once in a while, will you, Potter."
"I heard Patricia Griffins likes you," put in Peter. "Has veela blood, I swear. You can feel it every time you get close to her."
"That's just you, Pete," said James. "But I must admit that Griffins is quite a looker. Why not try how that goes, old boy?"
"More chances there than James actually getting Evans," Remus added, earning himself a glare from concerned parties. "Except that of course, Evans is such a great girl...."
"No," said Sirius. "I do not want a girl." He raised one finger before James could say anything more. "And I don't want a boy either, Potter, so shove it. I'm perfectly happy as I am right now and would change nothing about me or my amazing state of fabulousness."
"Nobody," Peter intoned in perfect imitation of Ludo Bagman commentating on several Quidditch matches. "Deserves the great Sirius Orion Black, Marauder, Annoying Git of a Dog and so on."
Sirius took the book on Transfiguration from Remus' hands and used it to thwack Peter on the head.
"Keep your voice down, will you, Peter," he said, innocently, when Remus turned to look at him. "Other people have been known to become Animagi, you know. There are books about them. And records."
"Which means?" Peter sniffed, rubbing at the back of his head.
"Which means, old boy, that people could hear you and, armed as they are with the veritable knowledge about Animagi, might be able to reach the right conclusions..." James' voice trailed off.
"Thanks for the very enlightening translation, Messr. Prongs," said Sirius, looking at his watch. "But classes are starting in ten minutes, and you know how Slughorn would love to have a reason to finally give you detention."
"So he can spend some alone time with his ickle Jamesie," said Remus.
"And teach him lots of new things," said Sirius.
"Will you two gits stop it? He wants me for the Slug Club, is all. Would have thought he'd ask you, Padfoot, except—"
"Except no one risks the wrath of Walburga Black, yeah. No use recruiting the currently homeless, former heir of the noble house of Black, is there? There are indeed some things that she's good for." Sirius stood up, brushing grass and dirt from the back of his robes with a wince. "'Least I won't have to spend time with the fat old bastard more than I have to."
"I might have to," muttered Remus, who slept with his copy of Advanced Potion Making under the pillow in the vague hopes of learning it all through osmosis.
"I could help you with Felix Felicis if you turn the other way while I hex Snivelly later on tonight," said Sirius.
"No detention for us," added James.
Remus smiled. "I'm a werewolf, you know. You should never trust a werewolf."
*
Remus Lupin was talking with Lily Evans about the finer points of Rematerialization when a canary the size of an ostrich fluttered past them in an explosion of squawks (before that incident, Remus would have said canaries didn't squawk) and molting yellow feathers.
"What was that?" said Lily, looking past Remus' shoulder and back inside the Great Hall, from which said oversized bird had come from.
"Canary," said Remus, promptly.
"You're acting like canaries as big as that appear quite regularly in Hogwarts," she said, raising an eyebrow at him.
"We're wizards, Lily," said Remus. "And witches. Wizards and witches."
"So that's normal, hmm? Nothing orchestrated by your silly little friends?"
Remus had to admire Lily's nose for James-related trouble. This was in fact, a match made in heaven. Or so the Hogwarts school staff would like to think. It would require someone of Lily's calibre to get James Potter to toe the line, at least. "I can answer for Peter."
Lily snorted. "But not James and Sirius."
"I can always lie."
"Is that why we're here, talking about Transfiguration lessons you know backwards anyway?"
Remus smiled. He was proud of that smile, actually. It made people stop asking him questions. Sirius said this was because Remus looked like someone did a specially strong Memory Charm on him when he smiled, but Remus liked to think it was because he smiled when people least expect him to.
"My, Lily, you can be sold off in Muggle stores for scissors."
"Taking Muggle Studies, aren't we?" said Lily. "Just answer the question, Remus."
"What the prefects don't know won't hurt them."
"And do I dare speculate as to who that canary had been?"
"I think you already know, sharp Lily."
Remus was pretty good at reading the expressions on other people's faces, but the one Lily was wearing then was such a perfect blend of horror, surprise, amusement and disapproval that it would have taken him a while to get the whole of it classified.
"Not Severus!?"
"Don't you just love the interrobang, Lily? Ends incredulous sentences more effectively."
"Forget about interrobangs (why you know about such things is quite a mystery, Remus)." Lily pushed past Remus back to the Great Hall. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have prefect duties to attend to. Potter!"
Remus looked at Lily's retreating back and sighed. That was pretty short, for distracting measures. He just hoped James and Sirius had the presence of minds to run away when they still can.
Knowing them, Remus seriously doubted it.
*
"And you left James?!"
"Isn't the interrobang such a nice, effective way to end—"
"I already did the interrobang bit with Lily."
"Oh."
"Care to tell me what happened exactly, Peter?" Remus turned towards the smaller boy, who was sitting on his bed. Peter, for his part, had been staring down at his slippers for several minutes since the boys had gone back to the dorm.
"Well, it's like he said," Peter let his head lift a bit to point at Sirius with his chin. His voice was a bit sullen, but that may be because he had barely time to finish his treacle tart before Lily tried giving them all detentions. "I spilled some of my pumpkin juice on Snivelly, and he took down points for it. James actually wrote the spell in the pumpkin juice, see, made Snivelly turn into a canary the moment he said 'Gryffindor'. Jolly good fun, of course, except Evans comes in—"
"No thanks to you, Moony," Sirius piped in.
"—And tries to bite all our heads off. You've never seen the sight! Sirius and I ran away as soon as we saw her. Coppery hair, you know, hard to miss. But James was—"
"Being James. And because the silly bugger was drawn to Evans like a salamander to fire, he's now being told off while we are enjoying the relative comforts of our nice beds."
"I could do something about that," said Remus. "Doesn't seem fair, you know, to leave your fellow when he's practically a wally in relation to a certain attractive female."
"You are not going to put me in detention," said Sirius, in a tone that observed rather than commanded.
"No. You are going to sit down and entertain Messr. Wormtail and me by telling us—" Remus began, waving in the direction of Sirius' bed.
"The grand narrative of your love life," said Peter.
"Or lack of it," said Remus, lightly. "Perhaps even a short explanation as to why?"
"This all seems unnecessary," said Sirius, with a shrug. But he went to his bed anyway, and landed on the mattress with a sigh. "I never ask you about your love lives. Or lack of it," he added, nodding in the general direction of Remus.
"As you shouldn't because it's perfectly obvious as to why," said Remus.
"Load of tosh. I'm sure there are girls who wouldn't care, find it cool, even. You're just too scared to let yourself go, Messr. Always-In-Control."
"So is that why you won't consider it? Because you don't want to lose control, too?" said Peter, the thought of tart momentarily pushed out of his mind. Well, thought Remus, that worked, at least.
"No, Wormtail, my friend. I'll have you know that I'm always in control."
"So says someone who shrieked like a girl the first time he saw mmmfh!" Remus' hands flew towards his lips, which Sirius had sealed shut at the last moment. He glared at the other boy, who was still pointing his wand towards Remus. "Geffoff!"
"And so Sirius Black shows his alarmingly good reflexes that would have put all the Quidditch players to shame—" Sirius narrated, lazily, brandishing his wand like he was leading a chorus.
Remus sighed, tapping one finger against his cheek. Peter was giggling a bit, although he was really too scared of Remus to do more.
"Oh, all right, all right," said Sirius, performing the countercurse.
"Now start talking, Black, before I seriously lose my temper."
Peter looked at Sirius, raising his eyebrows 'since when did that happen?'.
"Can I expect you buggers not to tell James?" Sirius began, with his well-used but certainly would never get old innocent act.
Peter snorted. "Of course not. Besides, you tell him everything, anyway."
"Fine, fine."
There were several minutes of silence in which Remus tried not to look away from Sirius' eyes and vice versa. Remus was surprisingly good at staring matches for someone who tries very hard not to get noticed by others most of the time. His secret was to look a nanometre from his opponent's eyes so that it would only look like he was meeting their gaze, and then to recite the dates of the Goblin Rebellions backwards.
"I don't like people touching me, OK?" said Sirius, after a while. He broke eye contact. "Snogging and petting and shagging." He shivered theatrically. "Who knows what they'd been eating for dinner? Or if they even brush their teeth properly, or take regular baths—"
"You, messr, do not take regular baths," Peter pointed out, much to Remus' relief since he would have liked to say the same except that if he opened his mouth an unholy shriek of laughter would burst out.
"Yeah, but that's me. I'm me. Not me snogging, petting, shagging. I would like to keep me to myself, thanks very much."
"This doesn't have anything to do with the Toujours Pur upbringing, does it?" said Remus, finally.
"Why don't we find out, Messr. Halfblood and Halfbreed?" said Sirius, with a mock sneer. "Want a snog? Or a shag, perhaps? Maybe when Peter and James are safely tucked into bed? I can sneak into yours, you know."
"Ouch, Sirius. You are wreaking havoc on my sensitive feelings."
"I would wreak havoc on you, you little wanker," said Sirius, launching himself into Remus and sending them both tumbling into Remus' bed. "You could give a man a hand, you know, Peter."
So that was how, when James Potter came back to the dorm, he found three boys sporting pillow feathers on their hair and as much mess as could bring joy to his (currently) broken little heart.
*
Later that week (which is quite a big jump for this narrative, but not so long that Remus had forgotten the above discussion), Sirius Black melted Remus Lupin's cauldron trying to brew an antidote for batspleen poisoning and in a flash of good will seldom lavished on the disgraced scion of the Black family, Slughorn let the offense off as long as both boys cleaned up afterwards (and marks that looked suspiciously like zeroes to Remus).
"Now isn't this cosy?" said Sirius, waving the mop handle in front of Remus' face. They were also forbidden to use magic. Which was just as well. Neither of them can be called expert on such things as housewifely spells and Remus had the idea that they would just end up messing the room more than it was already. "Empty dungeon, just the two of us, the appetizing smell of burnt cauldron and spilled potions."
"Get a grip on yourself, Padfoot."
They worked in silence for several moments until a thought struck Remus.
"Hey, Padfoot, you know you touch us all the time, right?"
"Pardon?"
"Don't act all posh on me, Black. You know what I'm talking about."
"And if I do?" Sirius raised his eyebrow so that Remus, who had opened his mouth angrily, shut it again. "I do touch you, and James and Peter. But it's not like there's any snogging and the rest involved, right? Unless you want a cuddle now and then, which I would be more than happy to grant you."
"Down, Snuffles." Remus waved his own mop handle in front of Sirius, making as if they were in a jousting match.
"Snuffles?" Sirius sputtered.
"It's a nice name, don't you think? Very you."
"Shove it, Lupin."
"So, Sirius," said Remus. "If I do this, it wouldn't be OK?"
Remus put one finger in his mouth, sucking on it a bit before taking it out and letting Sirius see how it was wet with Remus' spit.
"Don't, Moony."
"Hmm," said Remus, reaching out to touch his finger to Sirius' face. "I ate stew for lunch, in case you want to know, Sirius. And I didn't brush my teeth afterwards."
"MOONY!" Sirius dropped the mop and began to run towards the far side of the dungeon room. Fortunately, Slughorn had confiscated their wands before leaving them alone, or Remus would have his own bogeys attacking him by now.
"Scared of a little spit, Black?" said Remus, sweetly, stepping closer to where Sirius was huddled against the cupboard where the potions supplies were kept.
"You still hate it when I pulled that prank on Snape, don't you?" said Sirius, trying to keep his voice steady.
"That, Sirius? Of course not. This is for hiding away all my pants last week. You just don't know what it feels like to catch hair on your zippers."
Sirius snorted. "Mind still processing that last one, Remus."
"Shove it, Sirius," said Remus, running towards Sirius now and launching himself on top of the other boy before Sirius could run away again. They landed on the floors in an ungainly tangle of long limbs and mop head (Remus'), Sirius yelling like nothing since he first walked through the Bloody Baron (he was not afraid of ghosts exactly, but did not like them either, which was what Remus was going to tell Peter before Sirius had sealed his mouth quite literally).
"Get off, Remus!"
"Ickle Siwikins is afraid of germs," said Remus, licking his finger again for good measure before touching Sirius' face. His cheek came first, before Remus' wet finger trailed down towards Sirius' nose and lips.
"Aaaaargh!"
"You lick us all the time, you know, Padfoot. Want me to return the small favour?"
"Perverted werewolf!" Sirius tried pushing Remus off, but Remus had now hooked his legs around Sirius' waist and would not budge. "I'm being ravished!"
"A little love is good for you, Sirius," said Remus, leaning down over Sirius' face with a small smile.
"Well, isn't this cosy?"
Slughorn's voice sent them flying apart from each other, Sirius catching one foot on a table leg and nearly sending the cupboard crashing down while Remus contemplated covering his face with his poor mop head.
"And this is certainly remarkable," said Slughorn, looking around the room with a raised eyebrow. It did look worse than when Remus and Sirius started, with all the tables and chairs pushed askew and Remus' cauldron still burnt to the floor. "Any more mess I need to know about?"
"No, sir," said Remus, blushing scarlet.
Sirius snorted.
"What seems to be funny, Black? Oh, I'm sure being ravished by a prefect in the Potions classroom would be your cup of tea, but imagine what Lupin here is going to feel like if this reaches Professor Du—"
"It was my fault, sir," Sirius broke in. "We were just horsing around—"
"Seemed more than horsing around to me," said Slughorn, with a soft laugh. Remus wished on all the stars he'd ever mapped out for Astronomy that Slughorn wasn't the kind of professor who got off from things like that.
"Well, we were. I was just teasing Remus."
"However it stands, I'm going to leave you two alone again for a half hour, is that understood? When I come back I want everything spic and span, and you two out of the room."
"But sir, our wands..."
"Will be sent back to you by Lily Evans. Now that's an example you might want to emulate, Lupin."
Remus tried to keep his face neutrally repentant at the mention of Lily's name even though he very much wanted to laugh. With that last statement, Slughorn swept out of the room, if a waddling old bloke like him can be said to do that.
Remus turned towards Sirius, who was licking his lips.
"You taste like chocolate," said Sirius.