When he slumped down onto his couch, Rai Hodges finally allowed himself to breathe. Inhale through the mouth, exhale through the nose - the perfect calming technique, or at least, that was what something told him from deep within. Deep within those lost memories that he just knew would bring back the colour to his life.
He sighed, running his fingers through his silver-white hair. Suzaku really had gone at him full force today, the close-quarters design of the Lancelot overwhelming the long-range of the Lancelot Club - though Rai grew better at adapting the Club to close-quarters with every sparring session Suzaku's inherent talent for hand-to-hand plus the Lancelot's design emphasising agility and CQC still far outstripped him. Suzaku was still bitter over what had happened at the battle to capture the remnants of the Japanese Liberation Front; he maintained vehemently that under no circumstances would Katase commit a mass murder-suicide with all of his soldiers - he had fought with all his might these past seven years and Suzaku was adamant that Zero and the Black Knights had murdered them.
Rai agreed, but not for the reason Suzaku thought. If he ever knew the truth...
Just keeping it a secret tore away at him. Suzaku was his friend, had been one of his only friends in memory, and I am lying to him, betraying him, with every breath I take. In all truthfulness, Rai was a double-agent, a spy planted within the Engineering Corps to work alongside Suzaku Kururugi and use that position - and Suzaku's friendship - to earn the trust of the sub-viceroy, the Third Princess Euphemia li Britannia, with the ultimate aim of assassinating her elder sister, Viceroy Cornelia. Euphemia had been good to him, too, always kind and gentle, asking after him and making sure Suzaku wasn't lying to her when he said everything was great at the Academy. It just made it all the harder.
But my loyalties lie with the Order of the Black Knights, with Zero. He commands, and I trust and I obey. And he did trust Zero. How could he not? The man was not only a tactical, strategic, military and political genius, but he was genuine. His every word, in his speeches and private conversation, spoke volumes of his desire to tear down this rotten world, burn out the corruption spread by the evils of the Britannian Empire and build a better future upon its ashes. And Zero seemed to have come to trust Rai in turn, for his skill in the Gekka Prototype, for his own loyalty and his skill both on the battlefield and as a spy. Each day that passed he was brought closer and closer into what passed for a private circle within the Black Knights. Each day he got closer and closer to killing Princess Cornelia. Each day he got closer to helping free Japan, and hopefully the world, from tyranny. Each day he got closer and closer to betraying Suzaku and Lloyd and Cecile and Euphemia and Darlton and Guilford and Nonette. Each day brought him closer to betraying half of the people he could both name and count as either a friend or something akin to it. It just felt so... wrong.
But I will do my duty.
"Mister Rai?"
He looked up to see Sayoko in his doorway, standing prim and proper and kindly as always. He quickly brushed himself off and stood up.
"Sayoko?"
"Mistress Nunnally would like to know if you knew whether Master Lelouch will be returning home soon."
"Ah." Rai couldn't help the fond smile that spread across his face. It was just like her to worry over her big brother being a little late. Still, he supposed it was completely understandable, considering. "Sorry. I'm just back from work. Lelouch is probably out gambling again; I'll be in in a minute, once I make myself decent. Don't want her to smell me all Knightmare fumes and such." Sayoko smiled and bowed before leaving him to himself.
oOo
Lelouch was always out late, but it was obvious he was not gambling. In fact, once he learned that Lelouch's roommate was also Zero's advisor (he didn't quite believe the whole 'mistress' story - C.C. was quite adamant, and she didn't seem the type to lie about it or be embarrassed, and Zero just seemed tired with the whole thing) it was an easy assumption to make that Lelouch had some kind of involvement with the Black Knights. It wasn't difficult to see why Lelouch would help Zero after he overheard Lelouch and Nunnally discussing their family. Jeez, was Lelouch scary that day or what? I thought he was going to kill me! In fact, he just might have, if not for Nunnally begging him to leave me alone. He wasn't about to press Lelouch on the matter, however; if Lelouch felt comfortable confiding in him then Rai would happily listen, but there was no point in pressing him for information when he already knew all he needed to know. Lying to Nunnally stung a little, though.
By the time he'd showered and changed into a plain shirt and jeans the waft of dinner whispered in through the hallway - if he was right, a chicken dinner with vegetables, roast potatoes, a Yorkshire pudding and gravy (his mouth watered at the scent) - and he strolled off down.
The girl was waiting, happily quiet, at the dinner table, braille book in hand. Sayoko was away in the kitchen, fussing about.
"Rai!" The sweet sound made him grin as he took a seat beside her, clasping her hand in greeting for a moment.
When he spoke his voice was gentler than normal. "Hey." Nunnally Lamperouge beamed at him widely. "Sorry your big brother isn't here tonight."
Nunnally's face fell at that. She lowered the book and frowned to herself. "You mean he isn't here tonight again." She closed her hand into a small fist, somewhere between upset and irritation. "He's always gone now. A few months ago he was always here, he never left my side, not ever, not since before Mother died... but now he's never here. It's like... it's like..." She trailed off, voice weakening to something younger than she was, a lost child.
Rai took her hand in both of his, a sad smile working through his features. He knew she couldn't see his blue eyes as he looked at her eyelids, but he did so all the same. "...like a part of you is gone," he finished, knowing the exact feeling. He didn't know how he knew, but he knew. Amnesia was a bitch that way - was that the right terminology or had Darlton tricked him? "Like a limb's been chopped off." He remembered, and winced. Nunnally squeezed his hand to let him know it was alright. "Like you've had someone's hand reach in and pluck a piece of your heart out." He blinked the tears from his eyes. Where did those come from?
Nunnally nodded quietly, her voice soft. "I know it's dumb, I know he's not really gone, but... but... but it's like I'm losing him. Like he's slipping away and I don't even know it. Like even if I did know it my hands are still tied behind my back so I can't do anything about it."
Rai felt the pressure on his hand grow when Nunnally tightened her grip. It didn't hurt, but the sadness was making way for anger.
"He won't tell me where he goes. He just deflects me whenever I ask him, like it doesn't even matter. He just disappears for hours and hours and he won't show up until it's early morning - I can hear him coming in when he thinks I'm asleep. Sometimes... sometimes it feels like he just has something better to do. He won't say anything about it, so he knows I won't approve, but he still won't trust me enough to let me know he's safe, that he's not running off into danger for no reason." Nunnally's grip was tighter than ever, her gentle hand clutching his harshly enough that Rai was sure she would leave a mark. He didn't show his discomfort, though, deciding to stroke her hand with his free one. "I know he loves me just as much as he did when we were little, but when he just goes missing and shows up ridiculously late and won't tell me anything it sometimes feels like he just... doesn't."
Rai didn't know what to say, how to make it any better. How could he tell her that her big brother was conspiring to murder their family? That Lelouch was working with the man who murdered their big brother? How could he confess that he himself fully intended to kill her big sister? After choking out a little noise he gave up and settled for stroking her hand again. Nunnally calmed down after she regained her breath and lightened her grip, just a little.
"I wish I could tell you something that would make this feel a little brighter, Nunnally." It was the truth; he knew she could tell whether someone was lying - there were better hints than sight, like the way their voice changed, or the increase in heartbeat, easily felt in the skin. She sighed softly and squeezed a little, nodding. "You know hurting you is the last thing he wants, don't you?" Nunnally nodded again, lips quivering. Rai placed his free hand on her arm. "I'll call him." He rose and left for his room to get the phone Milly had given him.
When he reached the doorway he heard it, just barely carried across the air. "Thank you."
No, thank you. All of you.
oOo
Lelouch wasn't answering. Rai growled and redialed.
Again.
"Dammit!" he hissed. He redialed.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again.
"It's okay." Rai spun to find Nunnally in the doorway, holding herself together. She wasn't even pretending to 'look' at him, just letting her head hang. Her hair hid most of her face. Her voice was weak. "It's okay," she repeated, just as softly as before. "He'll be back. He's just out later, but he'll be back. It's okay."
A shot of anger hit him; Rai threw the phone onto his bed. "No, Nunnally, it's not okay!" She jumped a little in her chair, turning to him. She was shaking a little, but Rai's irritation was built-up and overflowing; if he kept it in any longer he would burst. "He's your big brother, he's been taking care of you for years; he doesn't get to just... just disappear and not tell anyone. He doesn't get to leave you worried like this!" Dammit, Lelouch; I know Zero can be long-winded, but he's not going to make you ignore this over and over. And where the hell is C.C., anyway? He curled his fist, not even really angry at Lelouch so much to warrant this as he was just... just so done with all of this. All the lying and the scheming and the killing and the dying and the tricking everyone at the lab and the princess and the school and his friends - his friends who had given him a place to live when he had nothing, no real clothes and no money and no family or friends or even any memories - and everyone that died every time he climbed into the Gekka or the Club and all the blood and the damn lying! "Lelouch should be here, looking after you, not running off into the night with C.C. for who knows what!" I know what, though. I know they're with Zero. Here I am, lying again!
For crying out loud, when do I get to stop lying?!
A sob.
Rai turned, blue eyes blinking bewilderedly. Nunnally was frozen stiff in her chair, hands curled into fists in her lap, her back heaving. Another tearless sob racked through her. Rai felt the poisonous anger leak away as he rushed over and dropped to his knee, wrapping the girl up in his arms.
"Shhh, it's alright. Shhh."
Her smaller arms wrapped around him. She shook against him, heaving up dry sobs which slowly gave way to tears on his cheek as the girl buried her face in his neck. Rai breathed deeply, holding her close.
"Let everything out. It's alright, just let it all out."
"Sorry - I - just -..." Nunnally choked, swallowed her crying and burrowed into her friend again. When she tried speaking it was punctuated with sobs. "I'm - just - scared. I'm - scared - he - won't - come - home. He's always... he's always out - late at night - and I can't - help worrying." Another pause as she squeezed tighter. "I love my brother. I'm scared that one night, that whatever he's doing, he-" she sniffled "-he won't come home. I'm scared."
And Rai was sure beyond surety that this was how it felt for a heart to break.
"He won't let that happen." The words felt empty, useless, lifeless, but what else could he do? "He'll always come back for his little sister, you hear me? Lelouch'll always come back for you. I promise, Nunnally, Lelouch will always come back for you."
Rai could feel her smiling into his neck. "You're a bad liar."
He quietly laughed. "Sorry, it's all I've got in the bank right now. But still..." He pulled back just enough to see her face. "He does love you. More than anything in the world he loves you."
Nunnally, 'looking' him in the eye, tearfully nodded. "I know. I know it's stupid-"
"It's not stupid. Lelouch is being stupid, leaving us all to get so worried over him." He hugged her again. "Tell you what, Nunnally - we'll set him straight when he comes home, okay? Me and you, we'll sit your big brother down and tell him how stupid he's been. We'll make sure he knows to tell us every time he's going to be out late so this doesn't happen again, okay?"
Nunnally smiled and nodded happily, hugging him tightly.
"Yeah. Now let's get some dinner."
oOo
That's right, Lelouch. You should be properly contrite.
Rai could not help the smirk etching its way onto his face at the sight of Lelouch's happy (for him) face falling. Nunnally had finished her telling off, scolding her big brother for being so late all the time and never letting anyone know where he was going or even answering his phone. He slumped in his seat and took a breath, considering himself. Rai finished off the last of his potatoes and gathered up the plates to take to the kitchen; Sayoko stopped him with a smile and silently motioned for him for sit back down.
Lelouch sighed and sat up straight. "I'm sorry, Nunnally." His tone was sincere, and his body language was sincere. He took his sister's hand. "I guess I've been so wrapped up in-" He froze. "...what I've been doing lately, that I haven't stopped to think about how it would affect you. I'm sorry," he repeated. "I promise, from now on I'll tell you or Sayoko or Rai when I'll be out late. I won't leave you worrying like this again." His voice was firm.
Nunnally smiled and brought Lelouch's hand to her face. "Thank you," she said softly. "I've been so scared for you. We've been together for so long, big brother." She stopped to think, then hummed. "Can't you tell me what you've been doing? Please? It sounds important to you."
"It is." Lelouch glanced away for a moment. "It's very important to me. I can't say what it is, but I promise," he cupped his sister's cheek, "it will be very good for both of us. You'll love what comes of it in the end, I promise."
Nunnally frowned. "You're talking like I wouldn't approve of what you're doing." She gasped. "You're not gambling illegally again, are you? You know those people don't like losing; you told me yourself. One day they'll get tired of you beating them or you'll lose a lot of money and get into debt and-"
"It's not... well, I guess you could call it a kind of gambling," Lelouch allowed slowly, straightening his back and stroking her cheekbone absentmindedly. At the disapproving look on her face he sighed. "I'm not actually gambling, but, well... I'm kind of gambling something. But not money, and it won't come back here. These people, they don't know my name, they don't know my face - there's no danger." The air in the room grew thicker as Nunnally stiffened.
Nunnally scowled and took his hand away from her face. "You're lying. I don't like when you lie to me, big brother." She straightened up in her chair and 'looked' at him severely. "If you can't say then don't, but don't lie to me." Lelouch stammered. "No. Don't lie to me."
This is probably where I should intervene, right?
Rai cleared his throat. The siblings looked to him questioningly. "It's dangerous, but not to her, is that it?" That much is true, at least. "Or there's no money danger, stuff like that?"
"Yes, that's it!" Lelouch snatched the lifeline and took his sister's hand again. "I would never do anything to endanger you, Nunnally." At the look on Nunnally's face Rai suddenly regretted interfering. Sorry, Lelouch. I was trying to help.
Nunnally scowled angrily and snatched her hand away. "It's not me I'm worried about!" Lelouch flinched. "I don't want you getting hurt. Promise me you won't get hurt." Lelouch hesitated. "Promise me, Lelouch."
Lelouch sighed. "I can't promise that, little sister," he admitted. Nunnally's breath audibly caught in her throat. "I can't. But I'm already involved, I can't back out. I won't back out. I'll try to be safe, for you, but it'll be worth it in the end, I can promise that."
Nunnally took a shaky breath and hung her head. She was silent for the longest time. For a moment Rai wondered if she had fallen asleep. "Okay." Lelouch started. "Okay. It's not okay, but... okay."
"I'm sorry, Nunna."
"I forgive you, big brother." She sighed. "I'm still angry that you got involved in something dangerous, but... I forgive you. As long as you're okay."
"I am. I'm okay." Lelouch looked as though the world had been lifted from his shoulders. He reached up and hugged his sister; she gingerly hugged back. "I didn't mean to worry you, but it will be worth it. I'll make sure it's worth it." Nunnally nodded shyly into his chest. He slowly released her. His voice became harder, more his usual self. "Rai, can I talk to you for a moment." It was not a question; Lelouch stood and left the room.
On his way out Rai patted Nunnally's shoulder. She offered a quiet smile in return.
When he entered the hallway Lelouch was waiting. He did not look happy. "How much do you know?"
Straight to the interrogation. Wonderful. Rai cleared his throat.
"Well, I know it has something to do with the Black Knights." Lelouch flinched, glanced at the wall, in his sister's direction. "Zero's advisor lives here with you. Both of you are always disappearing. Whenever you disappear, so does she, and when you return..." He looked at the door to Lelouch's room casually. "So does she. Since she is so involved with Zero it stands to reason that you are as well." Rai smiled lightly. "Especially since you are exactly the type of person Zero would want to recruit."
Lelouch blinked. "Excuse me?"
"Well, you are highly intelligent, you clearly don't agree with His Majesty's policies-" he glanced in Nunnally's direction "-regarding survival of the fittest, and you have a very prominent Japanese boy as your best friend."
The mention of Suzaku soured Lelouch's face. He scowled and looked away.
"Zero saved Suzaku. I'm guessing that's why you joined him? Well, that and for Nunnally? To make sure that your family doesn't find her?"
Lelouch's scowl darkened.
Rai raised his hands and backed off. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"It was your idea, wasn't it?"
"What?"
Lelouch huffed. "Nunnally berating me. It was your idea? So that it got into my head that I was hurting her?" Rai frowned confusedly. Lelouch sighed, crossing his arms. "Nunnally would hide it, hide that I was worrying her so much, until I figured it out for myself. You encouraged her to take the initiative."
Rai took a breath and looked his friend in the eye. "And so what if I did?" Lelouch raised an eyebrow. "Someone had to. You're hurting her, Lelouch, and you're supposed to protect her."
Lelouch locked eyes with him, purple gaze boring into him, for the longest while. Eventually the face lightened, and Lelouch allowed himself a small smile. "Thank you."
Rai blinked.
"Thank you for looking after my little sister. She needs a friend. Not too many people actually want to spend time with her besides Suzaku and the Council. I know she has Sayoko, but that's... different. She needs someone our age. You've given her that lately, when I haven't been able. I'm grateful, and I won't forget it."
Rai sighed and smiled. "She's a nice girl. Good friend to have."
"Yes, I just wish more people our age would see that, see past the chair and the eyes. Like I said, I'm grateful." Lelouch relaxed his posture. "You've been a good friend to my sister, and a good friend to me, and a good soldier for Zero. I hope you remain all three for a long time yet."
"So do I."
"Good, now I'm starving." Rai laughed when Lelouch's belly rumbled as if to prove the point. Lelouch blushed faintly and laid a hand over the offending body part. "I'm going to grab something to eat then put her to bed. Could you pass the evening with her until then?"
Rai nodded. "I'd be happy to." He felt his chest thump a little when Lelouch patted his shoulder and went in.
"Rai?" Lelouch smiled at him. "I'm... I'm glad Milly convinced you to stay with us."
oOo
He took the chair by the bed and smiled when she took his hand. He had never quite noticed how small she was until he had seen her under covers. It was a queer thought, one that made him smile.
"Are you feeling any better now, after telling him how you felt?"
"Mhm! A lot better, thank you." Nunnally smiled shyly. "It was building up for a long time; I always do that, and then I always feel guilty - I don't really handle it well."
"Oh?" Rai was curious.
She shuffled awkwardly. "When I was little I... really hated this. This, I mean." She gestured to her legs before clearing her throat. "I used to love running around and jumping on my brother. Me and sister Euphy were always chasing Lelouch around our home and dragging him away from Clovis or Schneizel - he loved following them around. He had a lot of fun playing chess with Clovis and he really looked up to brother Schneizel. He wanted to grow up to be just like him. When... it happened I felt trapped. I got angry. Really angry. A lot. And Lelouch and Suzaku had to put up with me when I started screaming and throwing things. We were all alone during the war; I didn't exactly help things by shouting at them for nothing."
"I can't imagine it. You're the sweetest person I've ever met." It was true; the thought of a nasty Nunnally was downright alien, but maybe it was just the fact of it being the hardest point in her life. Or maybe I just don't know her that well.
Nunnally went more than a little red at the comment. "Thank you." Her voice was small. "But I really wasn't nice to big brother or Suzaku a lot of the time when we were little. I still..." She swallowed and turned her head away from him. "I still get like that sometimes. I don't mean it, but it just... things just get so hard. I-I don't..." She lost her trail.
Rai squeezed her hand comfortingly. "I know what you mean. I don't know what happened to me, but I know it hurt. A lot. The first few days after I woke up here I was in a lot of pain - it felt like someone had dropped a car on me. That's why I was so scared, why I wanted to leave. I thought someone might be after me." Nunnally's face shifted from embarrassment to sympathy. From anyone else it might have only irritated him. "I still don't remember anything, but I know that I don't want to remember anymore."
Nunnally's eyebrows shot into her hairline. "What do you mean?"
Rai sighed and smiled at her. "Whatever happened, it involved a lot of pain, for me and for others. Maybe something I went through or... something I did." He felt her hand tighten worriedly around his. "Whatever it was, this life - living here at the Academy, with you and Lelouch and C.C., going to school with the Council, my work with Suzaku..." My real work with the Black Knights... "All the friends I've made, like you, it all just means so much to me. I don't want that to be ruined. I..." Suddenly Rai felt rather small. "I don't want to lose you all. If I remember, and it comes back to haunt me I might lose this new life. It scares me."
The hand removed itself from his and reached up for his face. Rai leaned in only to be pulled down, falling onto the bed. A pair of arms wrapped around his neck and a river of brown hair filled his vision. He felt a small face burrowing into his neck. It was a nice feeling.
"You won't lose me," Nunnally promised. Rai froze. She burrowed again. "You're my best friend. I won't give you up. I promise."
His heart skipped a beat.
I will not cry, Rai told himself stubbornly. I will not cry.
He settled for propping himself up on his elbows and hugging her back. Well, it was more like nudging his face into the small head still burrowing into him, but she seemed to understand.
"Whatever happened to you, or whatever you did," she told him firmly, "I will not give up on you."
"Hey, now." He pressed his smile into the side of her head so she knew he was smiling. It occurred to him that she could probably hear the smile in his voice, but still. "Any more of that and you'll have my tears all over your pillow." She only giggled and hugged tighter.
"Don't care."
Rai laughed, pulling back just enough so he could press a kiss to her forehead. "Thank you, Nunnally. Knowing you're not going to abandon me makes me feel... cared for. But it's not being abandoned that worries me. I don't want to leave any of you behind."
"So don't."
"But it's not that si-"
"So don't."
Rai smiled, leaning down to kiss her forehead again. "Okay, I won't. No matter what, I won't leave my friends behind. Promise."
Nunnally smiled brightly. "Good."
He only hoped he could make good on that promise.
Somehow, he felt he might not be able to, but damn if he wasn't going to try.
oOo
The time had come.
Rai's heart was thumping madly in his chest, a cold lump of metallic something lodged in the back of his throat, his stomach churning and his head swimming. It was all too much. Can I do this? Can I really do this? He flashed his ID card to the scanner as always, strode into the lab and threw his school jacket over the chair at what Lloyd had dubbed his 'den'. It was a little spot of the lab Rai had made well and truly his own, with sheets of homework scattered over the desk, heavy books stacked in one corner, a couple of origami crames littered throughout from when he got bored. There was even a picture of the student council tacked to the wall. They all waved and smiled at him from the photo: Milly had her arms around Nina at the back; Suzaku and Kallen standing beside them, slightly awkward yet clearly belonging; the sides were flanked by Shirley and Rivalz, leaning into the frame with wide grins on their faces; Lelouch was crouched by Nunnally at the front, the siblings offering a pair of quiet smiles as he took the photo.
The sight made the churning in his gut worse. He felt the sudden need to vomit.
"Ah!" Rai flinched as Lloyd burst into his vision from the side. "We've been waiting for you." The mad scientist flashed a cheeky pout. "It's not good to make your employers wait, Mr. Hodges."
Rai gathered himself - I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry - and smiled. He hoped it was convincing enough. "Sorry, Lloyd. I... got caught up. Won't happen again." Because I won't be here again. I'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorry.
Lloyd stood up straight. "It had better not, young sir!" he teased loudly, a hand to his chest. "Such treachery could never be forgiven!" Rai missed a heartbeat, frozen in place. "Ah, well, how about we let bygones be bygones, eh?" He clapped Rai's shoulder. "Now, we need you to be ready in ten minutes; Cecile won't stop nagging me about the princess' visit and she wants to get it done before she shows up."
Another beat missed. Princess Euphy? Here? Oh, God, no! Not here...
"I'll be there in five."
"Good man!" And Lloyd spun on his heel and strutted away, humming as he went.
Alright, I don't have time to dally about. Rai took his bag and gathered all of his belongings into it, before he shot up and slipped from the lab room and down the corridor to the security hall. It shouldn't take too long. I only hope I'm in time... and quick enough to get through this before the princess arrives. It'll be bad enough if anyone gets hurt from this; Suzaku ought to be busy protecting Lloyd and Cecile while we get to work. Maybe, just maybe, I can get this done with nobody dying.
Two guards, as usual. One looked up and smiled upon finding him.
"Ah, Mr. Hodges? How can I help you?"
Rai cleared his throat.
"Sleep. And forget everything about me."
Both men froze, stuttered, then collapsed in their chairs, the other one dropping his coffee mug. Rai winced at the shattering sound and moved to the main computer.
It didn't take long to get into the command system; the guards had not predicted an inside job, after all. That was the whole point behind Rai being here. A cold lump of metal settled in his gut. With a few quick clicks the locks to the garage were unsealed, the cameras were sent offline, emergency protocols disabled, outside contact impossible. Their entire section of the university was isolated and open to attack. Fish in a barrel, really. He moved on to the ID section. Another couple of clicks and Rai Hodges no longer existed, so long as the Advanced Special Envoy Engineering Corps were concerned. He logged off and slipped away, as if he had never been there.
When he reached the changing room Suzaku turned from his hastily-scribbled yesterday-homework, smiling softly. "Hey. Did I miss anything today?"
"Nah, just revising the stuff we did last week." Suzaku had been called out to work today to test whether the new upgrades to the speed and agility of the Lancelot and the Club affected their performance. Rai was supposed to help test their effectiveness today in a sparring session. I'll be in position, ready to move. "Anyway, they keep asking after you."
Suzaku didn't need to ask who; the Lamperouge siblings wanted Suzaku around for dinner again, Lelouch more quietly than Nunnally though no less longingly, and kept asking for it. Suzaku had brushed them off since he had been busy at work and he wanted dinner night to be comfortable and for them alone, not punctuated with calls out to work.
"Yeah." Suzaku sheepishly scratched his hair. "I wish I could have dinner with them again; last time was a real breath of fresh air, and I finally knew that they were both okay again. Seven years and just... poof, there they are." He looked down. "But we're too busy, especially now. Damn Zero!" he hissed, slamming his fist into the nearby locker. His face had gone dark. "That terrorist keeps interfering with even the tiniest things! I'm so sick of him, with his self-righteousness, and his violence, and his warring, and his speeches, and his egotism and his damn hypocrisy!" Suzaku was shaking with anger. Rai watched silently, a very bad feeling welling up in him. A shiver shot up his spine. Suzaku took a breath. "At least there are people I can trust, Rai. Euphy, Lelouch, Nunnally, the Council, Lloyd and Cecile, you... it's good to have people I can trust." He gave a genuine smile, his bad mood gone in a flash.
It only made Rai feel worse. His own smile even felt fake. Damn it, Suzaku! Why do you have to make me doubt myself, now of all times?! Why why why why WHY?! He settled for clapping Suzaku's shoulder, nodding.
"We're friends, right, Suzaku?"
Suzaku frowned. "Of course we are, Rai. What are you talking about?"
'No matter what, I won't leave my friends behind. Promise.' Huh. Way to go on keeping that promise, idiot.
Rai shook his head. "It's nothing. Just... it's nothing."
Suzaku shrugged. "Alright. Well, I'll see you in the garage. The upgrades are working perfectly, by the way."
Rai grinned. "Good to know. See you out there." As soon as Suzaku left his face fell. I'm sorry, Suzaku. He turned to change into his pilot uniform.
When he climbed into the Lancelot Club he dropped his bags - everything that would link him to the Engineering Corps. - by the seat and everyone got into position. He did a quick check. Fuel tank full, sakuradite in place, weaponry functional, boost emitter cleaned, limbs freshly oiled, scanner - he flashed one out, three knightmares half a click away and closing, more incoming - in working order, upgrades not interfering with other systems. Everything looked solid.
Lloyd was taking his time at the computer, frowning.
"Sorry, boys," he called. "Seems there's a problem with the security system." Rai stiffened. "I'll check on it when we're done here." He relaxed. "Alright, give me a moment to go over our data once more and we'll get started."
Rai slumped back in his seat. It was more than a little hot in the Club. He flashed the scanner again - closing in. He swallowed.
"Hey, Rai, what was the answer to 13 b) again?"
"Uh..." What was that about again? He couldn't think straight - was everything in place? Would everything go to plan? Would anyone here... die? - "I thiiiiiiink..." Flashed the scanner. Almost arrived. Rai's heart began thumping loudly - surely Suzaku could hear him through the transmitter? "Yeah, it was 53.456."
"Dammit!" Rai could hear Suzaku petulantly slam his fist against the wall of the Lancelot. "I got 42.79. Ah, well, at least I got 6 c) right - 89, right?"
"Nope - 61."
"Oh, what?! You've gotta be kidding me..." Suzaku was probably holding his face in his hands now. Rai flashed the scanner.
Five.
"Alright, everybody, start up the knightmares!"
Four.
"Are we ready?"
Three.
"Ready."
"Ready, Lloyd."
Two.
"Now, remember and keep it safe, you two."
"Cecile, don't ruin their fun."
One.
"Well, they're only children, Llo-"
The garage shutter exploded, and all Rai could think of for the moment was that he'd put a lot of work into unlocking that thing just for them. Suzaku spun as Lloyd and Cecile yelped and hid under the console.
The Guren burst in, surrounded by members of the Black Knights running in with small arms at the ready, running for the computer. Half a dozen knightmares were at her flank and held up by the hand of the Guren was-
"Zero!" Suzaku yelled through his speaker. "What is the meaning of this?!"
Zero's commanding, seductive voice boomed through the training area. "Suzaku Kururugi. This is not how I wanted us to meet again, but fate and circumstance have brought us to this moment. We are here for the data on the Lancelot and the Lancelot Club. Hand it over, delete all other copies, and hand over the Lancelot, and nobody needs to die."
Lloyd and Cecile were backed up against the wall by five Black Knights members as three others worked frantically at the consoles.
"Like hell!" Suzaku shouted. "Come on, Rai - let's clear these terrorists out!" He set the Lancelot to fire on the Guren. "Rai?"
"I'm sorry, Suzaku."
"Ra-"
Rai drove his sword through the back of the Lancelot, electricity spurting out of the openings. He pulled it out and slashed at the swords on the Lancelot's back, eliminating Suzaku's close-quarters advantage.
Suzaku pulled away and slid to the wall, levelling the Lancelot's gun at the cockpit of the Club.
"Rai?" Suzaku's voice, filled with pain and betrayal, cut right through him. "You? You?!"
Rai hardened his heart, spoke clearly and firmly into the speaker.
"Me." Suzaku's choked gasp almost made him falter. Almost. "I am a soldier of the Black Knights, Suzaku." It was almost... freeing to say. Liberating. "I'm sorry."
"To hell with your sorry!" Suzaku fired.
Rai dodged and returned fire, aiming not for the Lancelot but the supports behind it. Suzaku seemed emboldened by his 'miss'.
"Is that really all you have, traitor?" Suzaku sneered. He shot forward to grab the Club, which dodged again.
"Can't be a traitor without loyalties." The implication, the lie, tore right through Rai, but he kept firm. He had promised Zero - he would handle Suzaku himself. "I can't have betrayed the Corps if I never loved it." He spun and shot down the supports behind him. The roof began to creak.
Suzaku was distracted by the 'confession'. "Then it... it was all a lie? Every day of it?"
"Every minute." Rai lied again. He fired at the Lancelot. Suzaku dodged and fired his Slash Harkens forward. Rai shot to the side.
"You... you..."
"We have the data!" The Black Knights ran from the office and sprinted for the exit.
"You damn liar!" Suzaku turned and fired at the retreating Black Knights, the gunfire ripping throught them. "I trusted you!" He shot forward, too fast for Rai to react. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted Kallen grabbing the data and slipping back into the Guren. Zero climbed in with her.
Rai grunted as he hit the wall. The Lancelot's foot kept the Club in place. Rai clutched the leg. Suzaku raised a fist.
"I trusted you!" The fist slammed into Rai's cockpit. "I believed in you!" Again. "You were my friend!" Again. Rai grunted and grabbed his other sword, trying to wrench it free. "You slept under the same roof as my best friends!" The Lancelot's fist blasted the wall of the cockpit in, close to Rai's face. "You won't get near them again! I'll take you in, I'll show everyone who you are!" Dammit, the sword wouldn't come free-
The Lancelot was slammed away as the Guren knocked it to the ground.
"Come on!" Kallen shouted and shot off, blasting the last support as she went.
Rai shot after her.
Crack.
He froze, turned. The roof was falling. Just as planned.
He turned to go again, but could not move.
Suzaku had gotten to Lloyd and Cecile, the Lancelot's single arm barely holding the roof up.
He's not going to get them out in time.
They're not going to make it.
They're going to die.
'No matter what, I won't leave my friends behind. Promise.'
Before he knew what he was doing he was under the roof with them, raising the Club's arms to keep the roof off of them. A piece of concrete fell, blocking any escape from the office.
They're going to die, they're going to die, they're going to die.
He climbed out and ran over, jumping over the mound of corpses Suzaku had left. When he got to the office he punched the double-reinforced window. The three flinched and looked over. They weren't going to hear him - he gestured to the Club's gun and motioned for them to get clear before running off.
The blast shattered the wall, one shard of stone cutting into Cecile's arm. Lloyd grabbed his datastick and the three of them ran for the exit. When they were out Rai shot past them and flew into the night.
Zero's voice crackled through his intercom. "What's taking so long, Hodges?"
"I... couldn't leave them, Zero." He swallowed. He had disobeyed a direct order - get the data, disable the Lancelot and get out. With the roof collapsing directly into Suzaku's cockpit the internal damage would take weeks to fix, just as planned.
Zero didn't answer for a while. "...good work." Rai blinked. "We wanted to avoid casualties, no? Our own people dying was more than enough." Because I baited Suzaku. "It's good that you saved them."
"I... thank you, Zero."
"Just get back here quickly - we don't want anyone catching on to our hideout."
"Yes, sir."
A blast knocked the Club off its feet. Rai spun and got back up. The Lancelot was firing towards him like a beast from hell. Rai barely dodged.
"Don't think I'm just letting you walk away from this, Rai." Suzaku's voice was hard, cold.
Rai was starting to get angry. He took out the Club's rifle, shifted into battle formation. "You don't have a choice, Suzaku."
"No." Suzaku raised the Lancelot's pistol. "You sleep in the same building as Lelouch and Nunnally. I can't risk you being near them."
"What?!" Rai shouted into the intercom. He thinks I'd... Suzaku fired and he dodged, returning fire.
"You know who they are, Rai. I won't let Zero kill them like he killed Clovis." Suzaku and Rai began to circle each other. "I can't trust you with them."
Rai set on his booster and shot backwards, taking aim with the rifle. The Lancelot chased after him, boost enabled. The Club locked on and he fired, the Lancelot's pistol flying.
"We're out in the open, Suzaku," he warned. "I have lots of space to move around in. This is where I have control of the field, not you."
"I walked through mountains of corpses with those two, the three of us covered in blood and filth." Suzaku dodged the gunfire and shot off his Slash Harkens. "I've starved and been blasted to hell and wandered the wartorn wasteland that I used to call my home with them." Rai slid to the side, firing again, missing. "The three of us almost died together a hundred times. I would die for Lelouch and Nunnally, I've killed for them! I refuse to let a traitor like you anywhere near them!"
Rai braced himself for impact as Suzaku set his booster into overdrive, the upgrade firing one knightmare into another. It wasn't enough. His face exploded in pain as he hit the console, then the back wall. The two fell to the ground. Suzaku punched the cockpit again. Rai dodged the metal that caved in, sitting awkwardly in his seat as he took his sword and shoved it through the Lancelot's cockpit.
"Ugh! Damn you!"
Guilt. Anger. Determination. Guilt. Love. Hate. Guilt. Fear. Adrenaline. More guilt.
Rai used the leverage to heave the Lancelot up and off him, before a foot kicked him away. He got the Club to its feet and froze.
Suzaku fired the Club's rifle directly at Rai's cockpit.
Rai threw himself into the wall, the bullet grazing his back. He reached over and yanked at the controls, the Club shooting off into a circle around the Lancelot. Suzaku kept firing, hitting the Club in the leg, in the arm, once more just inside the cockpit, and ran out of ammunition.
Rai seized the opportunity. He reached for the controls.
Suzaku took hold of the Club's sword, pulling it from the Lancelot.
Rai shot the Club forward, directly toward the Lancelot.
Suzaku raised the sword.
Rai grabbed his own pistol and got into position.
Suzaku stabbed forward as Rai leapt from the cockpit, the sword impaling the knightmare as Rai felt his body slam into the front pane of the Lancelot's cockpit.
He took his gun, fired at the metal. Chips flew off, cutting him, until Suzaku began firing back. Eventually the metal cracked and Suzaku fired once more, the metal downright shattering under Rai as he fell in.
He dropped his gun and grabbed Suzaku's wrist, slamming it into the wall of the cockpit. He rammed his head into Suzaku's nose, breaking it with a crunch. Suzaku grunted, let go of the gun and raised his leg. He kicked out, Rai flying back and grabbing the Lancelot to keep from falling out. Rai took a breath, but two strong hands curled around his throat, bringing him around and slamming him into the seat. He choked and flailed, but Suzaku only tightened his grip, pressing his thumbs in deeper.
Suzaku growled. "You don't get to walk away," he snarled, green eyes burning wildly, like fire. He leaned in to give his hands more weight on them and Rai's strangled sounds only seemed to anger him further. "I trusted you. Lloyd and Cecile trusted you. Euphy trusted you. Our friends trusted you. I trusted you!" Rai grabbed the wrists and tried to pull them off but the lack of oxygen was weakening him. He could feel his eyes burning, could see stars blinking as Suzaku's enraged expression swam in and out of existence.
"Su..."
"NO!" Suzaku screamed. "YOU DON'T GET TO TALK! YOU LIED TO ME! TO ALL OF US! YOU USED US! I WON'T LET YOU KILL ANYONE ELSE!"
Rai weakly brought his leg up and put his foot on Suzaku's chest. Green eyes flickered downward and Suzaku pushed down on the foot with his body. He grabbed Rai and slammed him into the seat. Again, and again and again, screaming as he did so.
Rai was failing, he could feel the cold creeping up on him. Cold arms wrapping around his chest and caressing it, as if to a lover. I'm dying, I'm dying - I'm going to die. I'm going to die here, I'm going to die, I'm dying. He's killing me. Suzaku's killing me. I deserve it. I don't want to die. I deserve it. I want to live. I'm a traitor. I'm a Black Knight. I'm a traitor. I used my friends and betrayed them. I deserve to die. I don't want to die. I want to see them again. I want to see everyone again.
I DON'T WANT TO DIE HERE!
He reached out with his hand, fingers straining. Suzaku squeezed harder, Rai choked and reached further. His fingers found cold metal.
He gripped it, and brought the pistol slamming into Suzaku's head.
Suzaku, surprised and snapped out of his murderous rage, hit the wall. Rai, wheezing and gasping for air, brought the gun down on his head again. Suzaku collapsed into the chair. Again and he yelled in pain. Rai raised the gun again, but Suzaku's hands gripped it by the handle. Rai quickly took the barrel and turned it upwards as a bullet fired into the Club behind them, the crack splitting the air and cutting through his hearing. The two strained and grunted and fought for control, until Suzaku slammed his forehead into Rai's face, slamming the butt of the pistol into his eye.
Rai yelped and slumped into the edge, half-hanging out of the Lancelot. Suzaku dropped the pistol and went back to strangling him, forgoing the certainty of a bullet for the personal feel of watching your enemy's eyes fade into death. Rai choked again as the hands wrapped once more around his throat.
He was ready this time. He brought his foot and used it to leverage Suzaku over him and out of the Lancelot, into the Club. He climbed over, heaved Suzaku up and punched him. His fist slammed into Suzaku's face again, and again, and again, and he rammed Suzaku's head into the metal before heaving him up into the gap between the knightmares. Suzaku gripped the Lancelot and the Club to hold himself up, before Rai kicked him, and he dropped to the ground.
Suzaku screamed in pain, rolling onto his front. Rai spotted Princess Euphemia - she must have followed the sounds of fighting, his subconscious whispered - running towards them, shouting at them to stop fighting. Rai climbed into his cockpit and pulled the Club away, yanking the sword out and resheathing it before shooting off towards headquarters.
He would later tell himself Suzaku didn't try to run after him on foot, cursing him at the top of his voice. He would tell himself Princess Euphy's arms around Suzaku stopped the screaming. He would tell himself it didn't break his heart.
oOo
A work six months in the writing.
Ever since I first played the semi-canon game Lost Colours I've wanted to write a story about Rai. I know Hodges isn't his surname (the only ones we have are Britannia and Sumeragi) but he isn't aware of his past yet and he would need a surname to put in the Academy registry, and this seems to be the accepted surname for him pre-reveal.
I guess what I wanted was to make a story that drew on all routes so:-
- He overheard Lelouch and Nunnally talking about their past and Kallen referred him to Zero (Geass and Black Knights Routes) with the Black Knights Route introduction because Lelouch is a total drama queen
- Rai joined Suzaku at ASEEC as a test pilot for a mass-produced Lancelot (Britannian Route) but here it was at Zero's request, as Lelouch had overheard Suzaku asking Rai to join
- He was acquainted with Nonette, Darlton, Euphemia and Cornelia (Royal Guard Route) but hasn't yet accepted the offer to join
- He defected from the Black Knights to the JLF after Zero punished him for disobeying orders and helping save the Four Holy Swords at Narita and working out from Zero slipping up during questioning that the JLF taking heavy casualties was a deliberate part of the plan (JLF Route) but rejoined the Black Knights with Tohdoh after being abandoned by Katase (this, along with Suzaku being the one in danger, is why Zero is so reluctant to rebuke him for disobeying orders and saving Lloyd and Cecile - also, the JLF mass-murder by Lelouch happened in this story after Rai rejoined the Black Knights with Tohdoh, in case there's any confusion over the talk of Katase committing a mass murder-suicide here)
The only routes I don't think I've employed are the Purist Route and the Ashford Academy Route.
As for why it's Nunnally he's so close to, well, I can't imagine him not popping in to say hi to the only other person who's there all the time since Lelouch is always off doing Black Knights stuff and in the game it just seems to follow that you keep going as there's no definitive point I felt comfortable not checking in, unlike the others. Besides, she needs a friend - we don't see her talk to anyone outside Lelouch, Suzaku, Sayoko, Euphemia and the Council, but she doesn't seem to actually have any friends she spends any significant amount of time with beyond Sayoko, and she's her carer, not her friend. As for the 'relationship upgrade' that happens in the game - I'll leave that up to you here.
I hope I got the fight between Rai and Suzaku to be realistic enough; I tried to keep it with Suzaku having the upper hand in close-quarters and Rai having the upper hand at long-range, since the Lancelot was designed for close-range and the Club for long-range, but Suzaku's rage eventually blinds him and Rai is insane enough for his near-suicidal plan to work. In the fistfight, Suzaku does have military training but not the 'live' command, and Rai has the torture and experiments Clovis put him through under the Code R Project, and with Suzaku's blinding rage at the betrayal Rai is able to defeat him.
I was trying to portray the conflict close enough to how Rai from the game would feel. I hope it came across well enough, with the guilt and the resentment and the self-loathing. Wait, I just described Lelouch and Suzaku...
Here are the songs relating to each character:-
Rai: War of Change - Thousand Foot Krutch (how he sees his deception and undercover operation) and Carnivore - Starset (his fears over how his constant lying will consume him and take every he has come to love from him)
Suzaku: Dance With The Devil - Breaking Benjamin (his fight with Rai) and Wolf in Sheep's Clothing - Set It Off (how he thinks of Rai after this)
Nunnally: Don't Cry - Guns 'n' Roses (worrying over her friend and trying to console his fears - not entirely certain about this song but it's the best I've got; if anyone has a better one let me know and I'll replace it) and Never More - Persona 4 Ending Theme (the feeling that everything's about to change and her thoughts on how Lelouch and Rai are both slowly drifting away)
I may or may not write a second half to show the aftermath but if not then I'm pretty happy to leave it here, since it was originally designed as a one-shot.
Anyway, see you around!