It was a torrid afternoon, the white sun blazed down on the young privates and the scorching heat hung over them like a thick blanket they couldn't remove. Men sat in the shade of foliage, trying to no avail to cool themselves down as they opened long awaited letters from their loved ones back home. Sodapop Curtis sat barebacked against a large tree next to his best friend of thirteen years, Steve Randle, as both men read their letters from families and friends. For a few minutes, the soldiers could forget the relentless heat, focusing only on the words on the pages.
"Man, Two-bit's crazy" Steve chuckled as he finished his letter from their mutual friend. Sodapop gave a lopsided smile and agreed, pulling out a photograph from his kit bag.
"I sure do miss everybody back home" Soda admitted with a sigh, looking at the picture of their gang from a few years back.
Steve pat Soda on shoulder with a sweaty palm. "Yeah, me too. But just think, five more months and we're done in this shithole and we'll see 'em all again" Soda grinned, knowing his friend was right and thankful that they had both been able to stay safe for so long. He didn't have a doubt that they could make it five more months.
"I guess you're right" He said, wiping sweat from his upper lip before putting the photo back.
"Shoot, you know I am" Steve replied, running his hand over his shaved head, a force of habit he hadn't shaken since the days of actually having hair. He missed it now and then, it reminded him of home.
"You get a letter from Evie?" Soda asked after a moment of silence, reaching for the last letter from his fiancée, Olivia. Steve nodded, a smirk on his face as he wiggled his eyebrows.
"Uh-huh, sent me a little picture too. That woman really knows how to cheer me up" Soda laughed and shook his head at Steve, flicking him on the temple lightly. "You get a letter from Liv?"
Sodapop nodded a reply, waving the letter for a moment to show it off, his own smirk plastered on his face. "Maybe Liv sent a picture too"
"I'll cross my fingers, give me a peek if she did" Steve joked as he stood up and stretched his limbs.
Sodapop playfully kicked at his friend, laughing as Steve swiftly dodged his foot. "You wish, buddy"
"I gotta take a piss- don't miss me too much while I'm gone" Soda rolled his eyes as he watched Steve turn and stroll away.
"It'll be tough but I'll try my best!" Sodapop shouted after him, laughing as Steve held his middle finger behind him in reply.
Returning his gaze to the envelope he scanned his eyes over Olivia's neat cursive and brushed his fingertips over the writing. Still smiling slightly, he used his index finger to carefully open the letter and slowly began to read it.
Dear Soda,
This is a very difficult letter for me to write as I know how much I mean to you. I want you to know that I truly am honoured that you think so highly of me. I care very deeply for you and want you to know that you are an extraordinarily wonderful man who will make some lucky woman very happy someday. But that woman isn't me.
Being apart as much as we have had to be has proven too difficult for me. I wanted to tell you face to face but I don't think I could find the courage to tell you this if I were to look into your eyes.
It brings me a great deal of sadness to admit to you that I have fallen in love someone else. I've tried to push away and ignore my feelings for him but the harder I try the more I realise that you and I just aren't right for each other. The last thing I want to do is hurt you by cheating on you or lying to you. Nothing has happened between me and this other man but I'm worried that if things continue, my feelings for him will grow stronger and I will come to resent our relationship and the wonderful moments you and I have shared together.
I could have really fallen hard for you, Sodapop, but I'm not ready for the type of commitment you are.
After you proposed, I realised that being a wife so early in my life was not something I wanted or was ready for. I considered for a long time what it would mean to be a wife or a mother and I thought long and hard and knew in my heart that accepting your hand in marriage wasn't right for me.
You deserve better than me. Someone who will instantly know that they want to spend the rest of their life with you, rather than someone who just considers it.
I want you to know that nothing about this is your fault and that this is entirely a result of my own personal problems that I hope to overcome with time.
You are one of the finest men I have ever known and I know you will continue to be throughout your entire life. I appreciate that no amount of apologies or excuses will ever be adequate enough to alleviate the pain I am putting you through and I understand completely if you hate me for this.
You'll always have a special place in my heart Sodapop.
Please take care of yourself,
All my love,
Olivia.
Soda exhaled, misty eyed as he read the letter over and over again until he could no longer see the words. There was a heaviness to his heart that he had only felt a handful of times before, the weightlessness of love finally giving in to gravity. There was a pain in his gut worse than a punch, worse than anything he'd ever known, like the sun had actually burnt itself out. He couldn't believe this was happening, there had been no signs of doubt before. Soda thought back to when he proposed to her, it was the night before he had to leave for basic training. Olivia hadn't shown any signs of hesitation. Or had she? Was his mind remembering the evening differently because he had wanted to believe it so much? His mind searched through the memories he had of their time together in an effort to see gone so wrong. Was it the ring? She said she didn't mind that he hadn't gotten her one, she knew he was saving for it, but had she lied? Had she always felt this way? If not what changed? Why wasn't his love ever enough?
Soda began to sob, his body shook as he muffled the sounds of his cries by clasping his palm over his mouth. It wasn't that he didn't want the other soldiers to see him cry; he had seen them cry on multiple occasions. No, it wasn't that. He didn't want their pity, didn't want their clumsy commiseration or a couple of their cherished cigarettes in a poor attempt to console him. He didn't want to lose their trust, he had seen how privates who had received similar letters had stopped caring about their lives and become reckless. No one wanted to be around a soldier who was wild with grief and unpredictable. The first few days after a letter such as this was received was frightening for every man around the recipient because they knew he was a ticking time bomb. It was also disheartening, it affected all soldiers because it felt like a loss of love and respect for their cause. These letters left everyone with a lingering feeling of worthlessness.
Most importantly, he didn't want to hear them disrespecting her in an effort to make him feel better. Soda knew it sounded stupid but he couldn't hate her. It would take him weeks, months even, to start feeling bitter, if he ever could. He couldn't stand to sit by and listen to them talk in a hateful way about her now, he still loved her far too much.
The sound of approaching footsteps was enough to shake him from his thoughts and he quickly turned to wipe his face with his sweaty t-shirt that had been lying beside him. Soda knew it was Steve without having to look up, you spend enough time with someone and you get to recognise their footfall.
"I ain't tryna kid you, Soda. I just saw a huge fuckin' snake back there. Now I'm not talking about the one in my pants. I mean an actual fuckin' snake, with eyes and shit- Soda? Bud, you alright?" Steve jogged the remaining distance to his friend's side and dropped to a sitting position, turning to look at him and taking Soda's hand from his face. "What's wrong?" A flood of realisation washed over him and all he could do was stare into his friend's bloodshot eyes. "She ended it?" He said, it was more of a statement than a question but Soda nodded nonetheless. "That fuckin'-"
"Don't, Steve" Soda breathed, staring into his Steve's eyes, a pleading look in his own. "Please, don't" Steve nodded in understanding and carefully placed a sweaty arm around his best friend in a half-hug, ignoring the heat radiating from them both.
"Alright, man, sorry" The two young privates sat like that for a moment before Steve noticed Soda's shaking hands as he held the letter. Removing his arm from Sodapop's shoulders he reached over and pulled out a pack of Kools from his kit bag, taking one out he looked at Soda and asked rather apprehensively: "Do you want a cigarette?"