A/N: Hello lovelies. :) This is me running with the story line of 'Alec denying his Secret relationship with Magnus-Angsty/Insecure Magnus who has had centuries of heartache-Misunderstandings of what Malec actually mean to each other paired with Magnus belief that he's nothing but a warm body to Alec because he couldn't have Jace-Giant Epiphanies for completely oblivious Alec on who he really loves and what his fearful and paranoid insistence on keep their relationship an absolute secret had been doing to Magnus emotional and mental well being...and Angst... Like super mega angst with a side of SOMEONE PLEASE CUDDLE MAGNUS BANE, TELL HIM HE'S BEAUTIFUL AND GIVE HIM A ROOM FULL OF KITTENS DAMN YOU.
I wrote this after I started watching Shadowhunters, so the Magnus and Alec I'm picturing are Harry Shum Jr. and Matthew Daddario as well as the rest of the cast.
Also Memory sharing runes are a thing in this. Shhhhh don't question it, it's necessary.
Magnus POV.
As the exhaustion sunk in, Magnus sighed shakily trying to fight the groggy feeling in his head. Using healing magic the way he had was difficult, completely draining...not that the Shadowhunters in the room would notice or appreciate his effort.
As long as he got the job done and did as they asked, what did they care the toll it took on the High Warlock of Brooklyn?
He couldn't help but feel bitter.
Alec had yet to so much as look at him since they'd entered the loft asking for his healing services. Again. For the third day in a row. He'd tried at first to catch Alec's eye, hoping for even just one smile ...just one small glance in his direction...any acknowledgment what so ever. Only to soon realize that as long as other people where in the room? Magnus might as well not be. Especially if one of those people was Jace Wayland.
Once again letting his eyes fall back on the Nephilim that had his heart he felt a painful squeeze in his chest seeing the way Alec's eyes were gazing so intently at Jace, as if no one else where in the room. There was so much warm affection in that gaze, so much ease in the way they stood close together as they conversed softly back and forth, the easy way Jace was able to touch Alexanders shoulder when he cracked a joke. Alexanders bright smile in response.
Thinking back to the way Alexander always flinched away from him any time he got even remotely close in public just added to the fresh wave of despair he felt. You'd think he'd be used to this feeling by now, after all was it really so surprising that Alexander wanted to keep him as his dirty little secret?
The pathetic downworlder. His little pet Warlock. The disgusting abomination that was Magnus Bane who was constantly panting after Alexander Lightwood desperate for whatever scrap of attention the gorgeous Nephilim was willing to throw his way.
He'd been so hopeful in the beginning. So thrilled at the idea that his feelings were actually returned, that him opening his heart to Alexander the way he had would some day lead to happily ever after. After so many years of closing himself off to feeling anything for anyone, after so much disappointment and heartache he couldn't even try to keep himself from falling hopelessly in love with Alexander Lightwood, there'd been no stopping it. He'd smiled at him and from that moment on he was lost. He'd fallen, hundreds of years and he'd never felt this way for anyone before. It was overwhelming and exhilarating, terrifying...and heartbreaking. Because at some point he'd realized there was a very good chance that Alexander wasn't actually with him because he returned his feelings at all...that he was with him because he was simply there.
It didn't seem to matter how many times he tried to tell himself that Alexander cared for him, how many times he thought about the blissful moments they shared when they were wrapped up together in bed, the feel of Alexanders skin sliding against his, the soft press of lips against his own, the long nights they stayed up talking curled up together...well...until he woke up and Alexander was gone at least. Scurrying back to the institute so that no one would find out he'd spent most of the night curled up with Magnus, who so wished he could have just one morning were he woke up to the beautiful eyes of his Alexander...as opposed to staring at the empty cold spot in his bed beside him longingly. Wondering just what he would have to do that could possibly convince Alexander to stay, just once.
There was always that doubt, sitting...festering in the back of his mind. Lingering painfully at the edge of his thoughts. The doubt that cropped up 10-fold whenever Jace Wayland was in the room and Alexander suddenly forgot he existed. It was hard enough knowing that no one knew about them. But the constant fragile thought that he meant so much less to Alexander than Alexander did to him? Was always there, just below the surface. The growing insecurity he felt when he saw the way Alexander looked at Jace, despite him being right there was painful. There'd been so many times he'd stood in front of a mirror staring at his reflection, his cat like gold-green eyes...his dark hair gelled into place high on his head, thin wiry body lacking a belly button...and so much glitter all over the place he might as well have been a disco ball and couldn't really help but draw comparisons to the obviously preferred blond haired, golden eyed solid muscled ruggedly handsome good looks and couldn't help but wonder if he were more appealing? Would Alexander still be so ashamed of him?
He didn't even need to tell everyone about them, didn't even need to tell his parents...if he was just willing to tell Jace then Magnus would know. Would be sure that Alexander wasn't still holding out hope for the day Jace Wayland might return his feelings. Magnus would know that he wasn't just a warm body to replace him in the mean time. But Alexander wouldn't tell him, couldn't tell him and Magnus couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever planned on telling him. The fear that the only reason they were even together was because he was available and so very willing had been slowly destroying him.
Hearing another chuckle from Alexander, who hadn't even glanced to see if he was okay after over reaching himself made him flinch. No one else had asked him if he was alright either, he didn't think they even noticed how drained he was...or..well... other than the grateful look he'd gotten from Isabelle that held a small level of obvious concern as he'd passed her unsteadily on his way to sit down...but Isabelle wasn't the one that was supposed to be dating him. Was once glance and a moment of concern really so much to ask for? Was one moment of reassurance so impossible?
Shaking himself of his painful thoughts Magnus looked around the room decidedly before standing, fighting off the wave of nausea and dizziness he felt at the action.
"So I'll just add this to your tab then I suppose...you realize there are plenty of other lesser Warlocks who would be more than willing to various jobs for you at a greatly reduced rate. Jobs from the High Warlock of Brooklyn aren't cheap." even he could hear the bitter irritation in his voice. Honestly if wasn't always so terrified Alexander would return deathly injured from a mission he wouldn't bother constantly opening up his home to the group every time on of them so much as sprained an ankle, The constant fear it could be Alexander who needed him? Never failed to have him willing to give up every last bit of his strength to save him, rushing to his door to let them inside just to see for himself if he was honestly uninjured or not. The fact that sometimes it was Alexander is what always made him open his door.
"You're charging us?!" Clary protested staring at him.
The looks of stunned disbelief was momentarily satisfying before he remembered they hadn't given him or his well being any thought until he said he expected payment.
"Oh I'm sorry, do you think I normally exhaust myself magically this often because I merely enjoy putting myself at risk on a regular basis? Everyone else pays, I don't know why you would think you all should be any different" The words were sharp, he wanted them to be. He needed rest, not to sit there and watch his boyfriend pine over someone else while refusing to acknowledge his existence. When he was this exhausted and drained of energy it was far too difficult to keep his emotions in check, far too difficult to hide all the insecurities and painful inner thoughts he worked so hard to hide from everyone. He needed to be alone before he said or did something and gave himself away. He didn't like feeling vulnerable. He was hundreds of years old, he had more practice than most keeping his feelings locked behind a steel wall in the back of his mind. It wasn't until his magical reserves dipped too low that he started losing the control he usually held himself under, masking everything with glitter and confidence and teasing flirtations...right now however all he wanted to do was curl up in bed with Chairman Meow and hide away with his own hurt and insecurities until he was strong enough to push them away again.
Jace Waylands eyes were hard as they suddenly looked at him in disbelief. "Of course we came to you! Why would we go to anyone else?!"
"Let me guess, I'm the only Warlock you all actually know and have spoken too? so naturally it's my responsibility to bend over backwards exhausting myself on a regular basis using healing magic to fix every little bump, bruise and hangnail the almighty shadowhunters need from me. There are plenty others who could do the same. Can't imagine why you all keep coming to me." Part of him wanted to stop and shut up and tell them of course they could keep coming, if only so he would always know Alexander was in one piece after a mission...but he was hurt. He was just so tired. Not just physically but emotionally. And Alexander had still not said one word to him. He didn't know exactly what he was hoping for, but it wasn't the confused frown Alec gave him as he finally glanced in Magnus direction only when Jace had turned towards Magnus himself to speak with such outraged disbelief. After all...it was only okay to look at him if Jace was looking too right?
"We don't come here because you are the only Warlock we know! We come here because we know you can be trusted!...and because you are the only Warlock who just so happens to be dating one of us!"
It was as if the sun itself had been set off inside him. And for a brief moment he felt nothing but utter and complete joy. He told them. Alexander told them. He told JACE that they were together! He chose him.
His eyes darted towards Alexander mouth opening to give way to words of reassurance and love and adoration and thankfulness when Alexanders expression stopped him cold and he felt his heart crack and stomach drop to his feet.
Oh.
Of course not.
Of course he hadn't.
Jace POV.
The second the words were out of his mouth he saw Magnus face light up, eyes filling with disbelieving joy and a bright thrilled smile falling into place as he stood up straighter as he stared back at Jace looking for all the world like he wanted to reach over and hug him. He saw him open his mouth for a moment before his eyes darted to Alec beside him and Jace watched his expression freeze before it fell and crumpled, watched as his eyes dimmed and shoulders slumped seemingly curling in on himself, something sad and fragile in his eyes and he looked so disappointed Jace actually wished he could take the words back.
He thought Alec told us they were together. The thought hit him and he couldn't even help the wave of sympathy that overcame him. Gone was the confident powerful High Warlock claiming irritated indifference and in his place was this sad and evidently insecure Magnus Bane who apparently very much wanted to not be a secret anymore. Who so obviously wanted to be acknowledged by the person he was with. Jace couldn't blame him, he couldn't imagine being with someone he loved and for them to want to keep it a secret from absolutely everyone, including his sister and parabatai who Alec should know would never ever turn them in. He'd been waiting for Alec to say something about the relationship, all of them had... after all none of them would be bothered if he wanted to spend the little time they had an excuse to be together. One of them needing healing was the perfect excuse to be able to spend time together that didn't involve Alec sneaking out of the institute in the middle of the night and then sneaking back in before morning. But for whatever reason Alec always essentially ignored Magnus whenever they were there, He avoided so much as glancing at Magnus, whose eyes seemed to constantly slide towards him longingly...and it was exceedingly apparent that the action had taken its toll.
Looking over at Alec he saw the look of horror and could tell he was gearing himself up for protests and knew that expression had told Magnus everything he needed to know.
"Why would you say something like that?!" Alec's horrified voice practically shrieked and glancing over at Magnus Jace saw him flinch at the tone and curl further in on himself at the desperate protest.
Meeting Izzy's eyes he saw her watching Magnus with increasingly worried concern and knew that she had also seen how happy he'd been for one brief moment before it'd vanished at Alec's response to so much as the suggestion that they were dating.
"Something like what?" Jace asked calmly. He hoped if he treated this like it wasn't a big deal...Alec would realize it was okay and they could finally get past this whole secret relationship thing, and maybe both of them could have a bit more happiness in their lives. Alec deserved to be happy, he spent so much time worrying and caring about everyone else so of course Jace wanted him to be happy. It didn't matter to him that Magnus was a man or that he was a downworlder, as long as he was good to Alec and made him happy he was perfectly fine with it. The institute and the Clave be damned. It hadn't occurred to him that while Magnus might be good to Alec which was obvious by the way he smiled and laughed more these last few months than he had in years, there was a very good chance that Alec wasn't quite so good to Magnus in return.
Because there was nothing good about the poorly disguised pain and sadness in Magnus' eyes as he stared at Alec, who apparently hadn't even noticed the effect his words had. Because he still wasn't looking at him, his eyes were fixed solely on Jace with absolutely horrified panic racing frantically in them.
He'd always thought that the day Alec found someone and fell in love that it would be it, that he would probably cherish them. He'd likely treat them like they were precious and important and everything to him. That's who Alec was, and Jace knew better than anyone. Watching him with Isabelle and his complete acceptance of who she was and willingness to do whatever it took to keep her safe, the way he was with Max the pride and adoration his eyes held as they looked at their younger brother, even Jace had absolutely zero doubts of the love he and his parabatai had for each other...Alec was his parabatai-his brother...he had no doubts in his mind that Alec would always and forever have his back.
But Magnus? He knew that everyone in the room apart from Alec apparently could see that besides the pain in his eyes...they were also swirling with never ending doubts. If even Jace could see it, he knew it was bad and the realization struck him like a slap to the face at the danger of this conversation and how vital Alec's reactions to them knowing were.
It was so obvious to him in that moment what needed to happen. Alec needed to acknowledge their relationship to someone ...anyone before it broke what he and Magnus had. Magnus wasn't stupid, he would know that of all people Alec could tell that would actually accept it and be happy for him it would be them. Jace, Isabelle, Clary, even Simon. Yet for some reason Alec was completely determined than no one know about them. And his persistent avoidance of Magnus when other people where around had very obviously effected Magnus...deeply.
"That I'm dating...That I'm- That we're- it's not true!" the words were a harsh and desperate denial.
Seeing Magnus flinch again, his gaze fall to the floor in front of him as his arms wrap around his midsection as if he were trying to hold himself together... Jace wanted to scream and shake Alec to stop denying it before he ruined his relationship. They already knew and it was okay but if he kept denying it despite the fact that no one here cared it would probably end up breaking Magnus. That much Jace could see just looking at him.
Eyes darting towards Clary he saw the same expression of concern that was on Isabelle's face watching Magnus and saw her shooting glances at Alec as though she could telepathically will him to just stop arguing or at least look at Magnus and see what he was doing to him with each protest.
"I never said he was dating you Alec, but you still knew who I meant. What I don't understand is why you think you need to hide this from us, none of us care that you two are dating, none of us would ever turn you both in...you don't need to deny it, not from us" Jace hoped that the words would sink in, he saw Magnus face lift and saw him watching for Alec's response with something undeniably desperate and hopeful in his expression and he actually prayed to the angel that Alec was not about to let his boyfriend down again.
Alec's face however seemed to pale and he was shaking his head words falling out of him sounding increasingly desperate
"We aren't...I'm not...Jace you can't possibly think...we...We're not dating!"
Jace, Isabelle, Clary and Simon all saw the words hit Magnus like a punch to the gut. Saw the way his face filled with hurt as he winced, saw the way something in his eyes seemed to shatter as they filled with tears before he was quickly blinking them away, saw the devastated painful acceptance that filled them and saw the way he suddenly steeled himself straightening his posture a blank mask slamming onto his face becoming nearly completely devoid of emotion.
"Alec!" Isabelle's voice was more of a hiss than anything but Alec wasn't listening.
"I'm...we aren't...there's nothing between Magnus and I you can't possibly believe that!" he continued frantically.
They all saw the way Magnus eyes tightened and saw him clench his fists before he was opening his mouth
"Well, there you have it! There's absolutely nothing between your Parabatai and your little pet warlock. Now that that little misunderstanding has been cleared up and everyone knows exactly where they stand I'm sure you all have far more important things to do than hang around with downworlders. If you don't mind I think you can all find your way out, be sure to shut the door behind you. If you could all refrain from breaking a nail or stubbing a toe for at least the next few days it'd be much appreciated, even the High Warlock of Brooklyn needs to recover from using that much healing Magic two days in a row. Goodbye Mr. Wayland, Miss Fray, Mr. Lewis, Miss Lightwood... A-Mr. Lightwood." the words sounded almost flippant, uncaring, and indifferent. As long as you completely ignored the careful way in which Magnus was holding himself and pretended not to hear the strained force behind the words. The lingering bitterness mingled with heartache he couldn't quite hide. Or the way he stuttered just barely on Alec's name, Mr. Lightwood replacing the usual 'Alexander'.
Pet Warlock.
Misunderstanding.
'...everyone knows exactly where they stand'.
Mr. Lightwood.
They all knew this wasn't good. They all understood the specific words Magnus has used. Everyone except Alec.
At the last name Jace finally saw Alec pause in his desperate panic, saw how the name ' Mr. Lightwood' instead of the normal flirtatious 'Alexander' shook him out of fear as he turned a confused glance towards Magnus only to see the back of his head as he had already turned and started walking determinedly away from them, hand reaching out towards the bar wrapping a hand tightly around some unknown bottle of sparkling liquor not bothering to grab a glass as well and then he was out of sight and all they could hear was a door slamming.
Seconds later they heard what sounded like glass shattering and the entire room flinched.
Isabelle POV.
Her brother could be clueless sometimes.
She'd always known he could be clueless sometimes, he was so painfully unlearned in the way of social interaction it was almost a wonder how they were related.
She'd seen the same way Jace had the way Magnus looked at her brother, they could see the longing, the frantic worry every time he opened the door as he immediately scanned over Alec searching for possible injuries even if someone else was covered in blood half dead right in front of him his eyes always sought out Alec first.
They could all see the the warmth and love in his eyes every time Alec was in the same room.
But they could also see the way Alec flinched away from him whenever he got too close eyes frantically darting around the room to make sure no one saw, they could see the flashes of hurt on Magnus face every time he did.
It'd taken Jace much longer to see it, The boy was nearly as oblivious as Alec ...but once he did they all started trying to helpfully come up with more reasons and excuses to end up on the doorstep of the High Warlock of Brooklyn. They'd been trying to hint that it would be okay to tell them. That they had no issue being around Magnus whatsoever. Alec had been so much happier lately, it hadn't taken too long to notice his increased happiness seemed to revolve around the nights he managed to sneak away from the institute. Or the occasion piece of glitter that clung to some part of his clothing. Or the hickies they sometimes saw flashes of.
Jace may not have understood why Alec hadn't told them yet. But Isabelle had slowly figured it out. After watching carefully enough she saw that Alec's eyes didn't dart around the room looking for just anyone when Magnus got too close...they darted around till they hit Jace.
While Jace might have been eternally oblivious to how Alec had felt for him, Isabelle wasn't. And she felt increasingly sure that Magnus wasn't either.
She'd seen the way Magnus watched Jace and Alec interact, seen the way he would try to catch Alec eye only to go continuously unacknowledged and couldn't help but wonder sometimes how much longer Magnus would be willing to watch her brother pine after someone else when he was supposed to be with him. How Alec had yet to notice how much his actions effected Magnus was beyond her, well...actually no it wasn't. All you had to do to see it was look at Magnus...something Alec seemed unwilling to do as long as other people were around.
Today though she was fairly positive they'd all just watched Magnus Bane's immortal heart shatter into a million pieces. Seeing how happy he'd been when he'd thought for just a second that they all knew, the way he'd lit up... seeing all the doubts and hurt fall away from his face at even the idea that Alec had admitted that they were together...that he cared about him was like a dagger to her heart. Because the moment she saw his gaze turn towards Alec? She watched it all vanish and all the pain and hurt that had been in his eyes seemed to overwhelm him.
Each word of denial, especially after Jace tried to reassure that they didn't care and that it was okay seemed to break something in Magnus. Magnus had always seemed so strong to her, so sure of himself, so confident and seeing the way he responded to Alec's constant dismissals, avoidance and flat out denial was jarring. He was in love with her brother. Completely and utterly head over heals in love with him, and seemed to be under the impression it was completely one sided.
She was fairly positive though that while the dismissals and avoidance had been hurting him, it was Alec's desperate denials to JACE while refusing to even glance in his direction over their relationship that broke him. Because he knew just as well as Isabelle did that Alec had feelings for Jace, and seeing the devastated painful acceptance that had filled Magnus' eyes, seeing how he'd obviously reached some conclusion about Alec and Jace made her want to both slap her brother and hug Magnus muttering endless apologies for his oblivious stupidity but she knew that coming from her it likely wouldn't do much good.
She was entirely sure that Magnus had just come to the conclusion that Alec didn't actually feel anything for him. That Alec's refusals were apparently some final piece of a puzzle he'd been trying to solve sliding into place for Magnus telling him that whatever was between them was completely one sided, that Alec's feelings for Jace were the only ones that existed in his heart. She was also entirely sure Alec had no idea what he'd just done.
"How could you do that?" She hissed angrily at Alec seeing his eyes dart towards her.
"I dont- what?"
"Alec seriously? I know it might be hard admitting who you are...I know that most shadowhunters have some less than pleasant thoughts and ideas about same sex relationships...but none of us care about that! It's a part of who you are! Don't you trust us? We wouldn't tell anyone! And if they found out you have to know we'd all be on your side! There's nothing wrong with being with Magnus, we don't care that he's a he, we don't care that he's a Warlock, not when he makes you happy!" Jace voice was so supportive and Isabelle knew he still hadn't grasped why Alec was so determined to deny everything, sure it was in part because he'd been raised a shadowhunter and knew exactly how everyone saw those relationships, let alone to be in a relationship with a downworlder...but Jace hadn't realized that Alec was so desperate to deny his relationship because some small part of him was still holding out hope that one day Jace would want him. Or at least that's what he thought he was holding out hope for. More concerning was that it was obvious Magnus thought so as well. Isabelle personally had a lot of thoughts on Alec's feelings for Jace and the real meaning behind it, she was wishing more than ever now she'd shared her realizations with her brother sooner. Preferably before he'd messed up his relationship.
Standing up she marched towards Jace and Alec furiously and grabbed both their arms dragging them towards the door and pushing them through it before turning to Clary and Simon "Get them back to the institute, Jace knows the Rune to share memories and how to do it. Use it. Make him watch what we just saw even if you need to hold him down to do it. He needs to see it. I'm staying here, he shouldn't be alone" receiving a sharp nod in return from Clary and the determined glint in her eyes and the agreement on Simon's face she gave them a grateful but grim smile before she shut the door behind them and locked it. She had a strange feeling if Alec wasn't receptive to the memory rune...Clary quite possibly would hold him down and convince Simon to help her do so, granted Simon might help just because Alec and he got along wildly better when Alec was getting laid but that was besides the point. The thought that the two would ensure her orders were followed was oddly comforting.
She then turned towards the back of the apartment that she knew lead towards Magnus bedroom and sighed heavily. She had a feeling this was not going to be easy. She now had to somehow convince her brothers boyfriend that he did in fact care about him despite all apparent evidence to the contrary. Piece of cake. The worst part was the Magnus was her friend as well as her brothers boyfriend. She'd never cared about the prejudice against downworlders, and after they'd met Magnus they'd gotten along brilliantly and had kept up an easy friendship and when she figured out that he and Alec were actually seeing each other she'd gone out of her way to get to know him better, to get to know just who the man that was making her brother smile was beyond being the High Warlock of Brooklyn. They found out they actually had a lot in common, they appreciated a lot of the same things and she thought he was the absolute perfect match for her stick in the mud big brother.
Muttering to herself about clueless idiot brothers and stupid shadowhunters she carefully walked towards the bedroom. It wasn't until she was standing right outside the door that she could hear the quiet muffled heartbroken sobs and braced herself before knocking softly hearing the sobbing cut off.
"Go away" the words sounded hollow to her ears.
"Magnus its Isabelle, please open the door. It's just me, I sent everyone else back to the institute, please let me in"
It was silent for a long moment before she heard the unmistakable sound of movement and then the door was unlocking and swinging open and she barely refrained from wincing at the sight that greeted her.
Standing there was a shell of Magnus Bane... swollen bloodshot eyes, mascara stained tear tracks, hair wild and a bloodied hand wrapped around a bottle of alcohol that was already half empty and she thought he'd probably started chugging it the minute he was out of view. Stepping into the room wide eyes found the mirror of the vanity shattered, broken pieces covering the table top and floor specs of blood all over the place and felt another wave of fury towards her brother and felt her eye twitch.
When she let her eyes move back towards Magnus she saw him sliding to the floor with his back against the bed staring blankly ahead as he lifted the bottle to his lips and took another long pull, and then another and she moved to sit cross legged in front of him.
"Magnus-"
"Dont. You don't have to say anything Isabelle. I get it now. I finally understand everything." Magnus cut her off and she gazed at him worriedly. Watching him again lift the bottle and gulp down more of the shimmering liquid she knew was some kind of magically enhanced liquor, she wondered how much was too much before she was opening her mouth once again trying to reassure.
"He didn't-"
"It's fine. Really it's fine. It's my own fault that I thought...that I...it's fine."
"He didn't mean it Magnus! He's an idiot, a paranoid repressed idiot but he cares about you! He does, I know he does! He's been so happy!" she rushed out and nearly winced at the brittle laugh that left the Warlocks lips before he responded.
"Sure he is. You could just see the joy on his face right there alongside the horror at the very idea that anyone could possibly think for a moment he would ever be with me. You could see just how much I mean to him in the love in his eyes staring at Jace Wayland like the sun rose and set on his stupid perfect face while refusing to look at me as he denied over and over that there was anything between us. I'm not stupid Isabelle. I've been around a very long time. Do you think I was never going to realize that I was nothing but a warm body to him while he was pining after his beloved parabatai? That it hadn't already occurred to me that every time he kisses me there was a fairly good chance he was picturing someone else? That I wouldn't figure out at some point I was nothing but a poor replacement because he couldn't have what and who he actually wanted? I pretty sure I've always known. Deep down. Oh sure I'd hoped I was wrong. I hoped that my love wasn't completely one sided but I was wrong. So very wrong. Depressingly wrong. I wont be making that mistake again. Nothing quite like a broken heart to bring you absolute clarity. I know exactly what I was good for and exactly where I stand now. I'll get over it. It's fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine. Its not his fault I thought it was more than it was. It took me long enough to catch on. You'd think after hundreds of years I'd know better by now than to fall in love with someone who could never love me back. Believe me I have officially learned my lesson" and then there were tears falling from his eyes and he was trying to brush them away and she was reaching out and pulling him in and he immediately curled up against her finally giving into his devastation and breaking into heartbroken sobs his usual persona of the confident High Warlock of Brooklyn falling to pieces around them.
She really hoped Jace would forgive her when she killed her brother. Whatever she'd been expecting she was pretty sure this was a thousand times worse.
'nothing but a warm body'
'picturing someone else'
'poor replacement...what and who he actually wanted'
'one sided'
'what I was good for'
'where I stand'
'I thought it was more than it was'
'someone who could never love me back'
By the Angel this was not good. This was beyond not good. If Alec didn't fix this she might never forgive him. She loved him, he was her brother, one of her best friends but this? This was cruel. He needed to fix this. What could she even say? She was pretty positive anything she came up with wouldn't be believed for a minute. So instead she just just held him until the sobs gave way to soft sniffles and whispered
"He didn't need to tell everyone. I could..I could live with being his dirty little secret as long as I could be with him. Just...just Jace. If he could tell Jace?...I knew if he ever told him it meant that he chose me...that I-that I was enough. That he felt it too. That...that if he did it would be because he didn't care that Jace knew because he didn't want him anymore...that he just wanted me. I should've known better. He was never going to chose me, I don't know why I ever thought he would. Why would he? I'm pathetic. His pathetic pet warlock panting after him making an idiot out of myself and not catching the hint that it wasn't the same for him. I was just there and willing. I should be grateful...even if it wasn't me he really wanted...I had part of him even if it was only for a little while...even if it wasn't real for him. I'll take what I can get. It was-it was nice while it lasted...thinking he felt something for me too." After that he fell silent save for the occasional sniffle and Isabelle carefully pried the bottle away from his damaged hand and pulled Magnus up with her. She lead him over towards the bathroom and sat him gently on the toilet and started filling his tub with warm water. She would take care of him, get him cleaned up, dressed, tuck him into bed and then go beat the stupid out of her brother.
A while later, after words she knew went through one ear and out the other and bandaging up his hands after he refused to take the strength he needed to heal it after she offered saying it gave him too much energy; She was tucking a scrubbed clean but completely exhausted emotionally drained decidedly drunk Warlock beneath his covers. Where he immediately passed out and she quietly set to clearing away the sharp shards of mirror before she left a note on his Vanity that she would come by the next day with food and slipped from the apartment praying that by the time she reached the institute that Alec would have had some sort of giant epiphany or she might just end up actually killing him. Either way she was going to make him watch what she'd just witnessed. It was awful, it was terrible and if she were honest she did not want to see it again herself. But he needed to see what she just saw. He needed to know the amount of damage and what sort of thoughts had been swirling through Magnus head this whole time. The fact that this is what he'd been thinking every time he looked at her brother with Jace would probably haunt her for a long time, even after this was over. More than ever she honestly wished she had stepped in sooner, that she had known and could prevent it getting to this point. She'd never realized until tonight just how much of the confidence she saw on a regular basis was fake, never realized how painfully insecure Magnus actually was deep down. Immortality was not all it's cracked up to be, and it turns out hundreds of years of heartbreak will definitely take it's toll on a persons feelings of self worth.
Trying to talk to him as she washed his hair hadn't helped any more either. The sheer force of the self loathing Magnus had apparently always held locked down behind bright clothing and buckets of glitter was staggering, words like 'freak' and 'ugly' and the worst 'abomination' that were still swirling through her head had rocked her to her core. That he'd thought Alec was 'just' ashamed of him and had wondered so often that if he looked more like Jace if it would make a difference? Made her want to cry. That'd he'd actually considered and looked up a potion to find out if it was true or not but had been to afraid of the answer broke her heart into teeny tiny shards she now wanted to use to tear her idiot brother to pieces.
One thing was heartbreakingly clear to her as she was helping him pull on pajama pants and ushering him towards his bed, Magnus now believed that he and Alec had never actually been in a real relationship that he'd both partially hallucinated and misread the entire situation and the real reason Alec hadn't said anything to anyone was because it was just sex between them the entire time. That they weren't dating at all and that's why Alec wasn't interested in him unless it was the middle of the night and why he wouldn't tell anyone. There had been nothing to tell. She was praying it was the exhaustion and alcohol talking when he came to that conclusion.
Being alive as long as Magnus had been alive...and being alone for so much of it, getting his heart broken over and over until he'd given up feeling anything for anyone...or had given up until the day he'd met Alec had definitely made its mark on the Warlock. She knew more about Magnus Bane then anyone else might at the moment and it was overwhelming.
Magnus may not believe Alec felt anything for him, but she knew with everything inside her that he was wrong and Alec did in fact return his feelings. She knew her brother, knew him far better than he evidently knew himself. Whether Alec wanted to face it or not? He was in love with Magnus too. She'd seen him when he thought he and Magnus were alone. The way he looked at him. He was just an idiot who didn't really think before he spoke and he'd clung to his feelings for Jace for so long he didn't seem to know or realize that he hadn't been in love with Jace for a long time, if he ever really had been. It was a crush, it was safe because nothing could or would ever happen there. Not only was Jace straight? And in love with someone else? He was his parabatai and of all things forbidden a relationship between parabatai was one of them. For Alec who was so repressed, so afraid of his feelings? Jace was the safest choice. With Jace he'd never have to face the fact he was gay. He'd never have to deal with his family finding out and their parents being angry or worse disgusted. He'd never have to risk the repercussions of the Clave discovering the truth and his status as a shadowhunter or his place in the institute. She understood how scared he must be. Going against everything he'd ever known. Everything he'd been taught.
That much she completely understood and could sympathize with.
But he didn't seem to have caught on to the reality of his feelings for Jace, or his very real feelings for Magnus. And she was not about to let him keep clinging to his safe little fantasy while he destroyed his own chance at real happiness and real love with someone who looked at him like he was everything, every answer to every question he'd ever had in his very long life. She would have killed for someone to look at her the way Magnus looked at Alec when he thought no one was looking. And Alec? He didn't need to hide his feelings for Magnus or their relationship. At least not around them. They were the ones he could be himself around, if he hadn't already figured that out she would make sure there was no more confusion on the matter. After she fixed this giant mess...and maybe slapped him. Twice.
Walking into the institute she figured she must have a terrifying expression on her face when everyone immediately moved out of her way as she moved towards Alec's bedroom flinging the door open causing the occupants inside to flinch at the sudden noise. Stepping inside she slammed the door shut behind her and locked it before turning her gaze to find Alec who was sitting there in a bit of a daze looking so stunned and lost.
"Well? Did he see?" She demanded and saw Jace, Clary and Simon nod in unison.
"Does he get it?" this time all three shook their heads and Jace rolled his eyes in addition motioning over his head. Lovely... he saw, and apparently the point went over his head. Of course it did. Clueless thy name Is Alexander Gideon Lightwood. Angel give her strength.
Alec's eyes suddenly flicked to her and she saw his eyes blink away his apparently complex thoughts and fill with concern.
"Izzy there's blood on your shirt are you hurt?" and he was standing moving towards her when her words made him pause "It's not mine. It's Magnus blood" She saw his eyes widen and his face pale and quickly continued "He's...uninjured. Except for his hand. He punched a mirror. It broke. I bandaged it for him, he didn't have the strength to heal himself and wouldn't take any of mine. I think he wanted to sleep."
Alec was biting his lip now and she could see that he didn't know how to ask something but he opened his mouth anyways.
"Is he okay?...is he..is he angry?" The words were so quiet and she shoved back her previous rage taking a deep breath telling herself that there would be time to yell later. Right now she just needed to get him to listen and then understand.
She sighed and turned towards the others "Could you guys give us a bit? I need to explain some things to my brother and it might be easier for him if we do this in private"
They all nodded looking relieved that she was taking over before standing and let themselves out. Once the door had closed and locked again she grabbed Alec's hand and pulled him over towards the bed and sat him down, before settling herself next to him.
"First, I want you to tell me what you saw when Jace showed you the memory of Magnus reaction to what happened earlier"
She watched as guilt and regret filled his features and was actually comforted by it. "He looked so upset Izzy. I dont..I don't get ..I dont understand Izzy...I-When Jace said..he looked so...but then-" he cut off and shook his head helplessly huffing out a frustrated breath.
"Can I tell you what I saw?" She asked carefully and he looked relieved. She realized then that he didn't understand what exactly he saw on Magnus face or he did but wanted to be sure of what he saw, wanted to make sure he really got it right.
"Alright...I have...a lot to say. I need you to just sit and listen okay? Then I have a memory for you to watch myself. When Jace brought up that you two where together...that we all knew you were together? It was very obvious Magnus thought you told us about you both. He was happy, more than happy that you had possibly told us...told Jace especially that you had feelings for him. Until he realized that wasn't the case and more so that you looked completely horrified by the idea and then he was hurt. Hurt might not even be the right word, pained and defeated is probably closer to the truth. I don't know if you mean to do it but you ignore him Alec, more than ignore him you act like he's not even THERE when we are in his home. Whenever we are there you avoid so much as glancing in his direction so you probably never see the way he watches you, especially the way he watches you when you are with Jace. If you thought he wasn't aware of how you think you feel about Jace-and I'll get to that later believe me-you are very wrong. He's more than aware and it absolutely kills him. And you are trying so hard to hide the truth that you over do it and don't realize how its been effecting him. Did you know without fail every time we are there it doesn't matter how injured any of us are the minute he opens his door he only has eyes for you until he's sure you don't have so much a scratch on you? We can see how worried he always is compared to how relieved he is when he realizes you are Ok. He's frantic in his worry for you when you are out on a mission with us, and I'm absolutely positive that should anything ever happen to you we probably wouldn't survive his wrath. I'm not exaggerating Alec stop looking like you don't believe me. There's so much you don't see Alec.. Do you know that every time he gets closed to you, you flinch away like he's diseased and contagious and then immediately look at Jace? Because He's noticed. And you're too busy worrying if Jace saw that you never see how hurt he looks, or the sadness in his eyes when he sees how easily you can accept a pat on the shoulder from Jace and have no issues standing close to him...with Magnus knowing how you think you feel about Jace? Can you imagine what sort of ideas acting like that would give him?" she's watching his face and see's the pain and guilt filling his expression
"I don't mean...I never meant..." he whispered and she cut him off with a lifted hand his mouth snapping shut audibly as he looked at her.
"Whether you mean to or not Alec? You do it. Hearing you desperately denying that you were with him? Denying him? Saying that there was nothing between you two? Even after it became clear we we already knew? He's devastated right now. Whether you believe me or understand it or not it's the absolute truth, and I can and will prove it because I think it's something you need to see if only so this doesn't happen ever again. But first we need to talk about Jace. I need you to listen very carefully right now okay? Don't argue with me, don't protest, just listen to me. You wont like it, but you need to hear it because it's the truth and I think deep down part of you knows it but wont admit it, not even to yourself. You are not in love with Jace, Alec. You haven't been for a long time, more than that I don't think you were ever truly in love with him...not that way. Jace was safe for you to love, you chose him because you know it wont ever happen. You don't want it to happen. You know that Jace is straight, you know he loves Clary, you know that it's not just looked down upon but forbidden between parabatai...and that's exactly why you are so stuck on him. Because as long as you are still clinging to your feelings for Jace you feel safe. Nothing will ever happen so you never have to admit you are gay, nothing will ever happen so you never have to face our parents reactions to you being in a relationship with a man, nothing will ever happen so you never have to worry about the Clave finding out or what it might mean for you as a shadowhunter or your place in the institute. You are hiding behind your fantasy Alec. I can understand how scared you must be and I hope you know that whenever or however people do find out? We are all going to be on your side, Me-Jace-Clary and even Simon and we will defend and protect you, and right next to us will be a very protective head over heals in love High Warlock who has made a lot of allies over the years and would sooner burn the entire city and everyone in it to the ground before he ever let anyone hurt you. So I understand you are afraid, I do. But I'm not going to sit back and let you ruin your own chance at real happiness. Terrifying or not. I wont watch you turn your back on true honest real love. If I ever found anyone who loved me the way he loves you the angel himself couldn't stop me, so I will not let you stop yourself."
Watching Alec's face as she talked had been enlightening. The way he'd winced and braced himself but hadn't looked entirely shocked (Only remotely) when she said he wasn't in love with Jace proved that at least some part of him knew he wasn't really in love with Jace. He'd listened though, she could see the minute he'd really started listening to her words and not just hearing them. 'Jace was safe for you to love' and his expression grew contemplative, fingers lacing together as he stared at her as if he trusted that she honestly did know something about him he didn't...and was willing to listen to her views on it. Maybe even hoping it would help him understand something he didn't understand on his own. She'd seen this flash of dawning realization as she listed through the various reasons he'd focused on Jace, she'd seen the sudden clarity and small amount of shame fill his eyes as she told him flat out that he was hiding behind his fantasy because he was afraid. She'd seen the look of astonished gratefulness at the assurance that when the time came he wasn't going to be alone as well as the small smile and flash of affection at her description of Magnus and his likely response to anyone coming near him. When she finished speaking he was quiet for long moment and she practically watched as walls that had been up for years crashed to the ground around them before his face held nothing but acceptance and relief, like the weight of a hundred years and a thousand secrets he'd never been able to tell had just been lifted off his shoulders.
Wonderful. He got it. Now to make absolutely sure he never forgot this moment. Never forgot what he just accepted. She knew some of his walls would probably slid back up around their parents and some others, at least for a while...but she felt confident that at least in front of her, and hopefully the rest of their little group they would stay for the most part down. But she needed to make for damn sure that they stayed down around Magnus. That once they'd moved past this giant idiocy-fest they never got in the way of their happiness again.
"Thank you..I-just thank you" the words snapped her from her thoughts and Alec was looking at her with such an honest smile she couldn't help but pull him into a hug smiling when he hugged her back and squeezed her tight before he continued "I needed to hear that, I don't know if I'd have been able to figure it all out myself but I needed too so thank you. Had it been anyone else I don't know if I would have listened, I'm glad it was you. You know me better than I know myself...it's a bit concerning" he muttered and she snorted out a laugh and a short "Of course I do, I'm your sister and I'm amazing'' as he pulled away and flashed her a grin before it fell and she saw dread fill his face despite the determination settling in his eyes.
"I have a feeling I'm going to absolutely hate this...but I need you to show me what happened after we left the loft. I know you and Magnus are friends, he's mentioned that he thinks really highly of you...so if you say he loves me and was devastated I'm going to believe you even if I don't know why he would or could love me especially with how I've treated him..But I believe you and even though from the look on your face when you got here I know I'm going to hate every minute of this...I need to see it. For Magnus. I need to understand even if it hurts. He deserves that from me."
She knew the look on her face was proud and she squeezed Alec's hand before taking out her stele watching as he turned and lifted his shirt and she saw the recently formed rune Jace had obviously placed and reactivated it before focusing and pressing her hand to it as everything faded away and they were back in Magnus loft watching him walk towards his bedroom with a bottle in hand and hearing the slam of a door followed a moment later by a loud shatter.
"That was the mirror wasn't it?" Alec asked eyes sad as the scene played out, turning his eyes to watch his own lost expression and wincing at the anger in her hissed out words as she practically threw them all from the apartment.
They walked behind her past self as she moved towards Magnus room and when she paused to knock Isabelle looked towards Alec and watched his expression when the unmistakable sound of sobs broke through the door. Face paling and eyes filling with regret she gripped his hand knowing this was nothing compared to what he was about to see.
His face when Magnus opened his door was painful to look at. His eyes ran over the Warlock at an astonishing speed before settling back on his face and she saw him unconsciously reach towards him before he was pulling back and squeezing his hand into a fist. Tears filling his eyes "I did this?!...how could I...I never thought ...how did you not kill me when you got back to the institute?" he asked shakily and she sighed "You being my brother helps, I wont pretend I didn't briefly but quite seriously entertain the idea at multiple point during this...I should warn you now this is just the tip of the iceberg. This is going to be really hard to watch and even harder to listen to. It was hard for me to witness, it's going to be worse for you. Just...try not to lose it till we finish okay? You'll miss stuff if you break down and I don't want you to have to watch it a second time and I really don't think I can do it a third."
With a miserable nod they followed herself and Magnus move back inside and his eyes darted towards the mirror and press is lips together tightly before turning his gaze back towards Magnus who had just slumped the the floor.
They both settled down next to her past self and Magnus and watched the conversation that took place. Well...Alec watched the conversation. She watched Alec, seeing it once had been more than enough for the image to be seared into her memory.
Seeing each word Magnus spoke hit Alec was not much easier to watch however. Magnus' entire speech that he so clearly believed was horrible, hearing it the first time was heartbreaking...seeing Alec's part horrified part devastated reaction as tears slid one after another down his face made it that much more painful to listen too. Especially when Magnus broke down sobbing afterwards.
" I don't think I've ever hated myself as much as I do right now, this might be the worst I've ever felt" the words were said so softly she barely heard them but she squeezed his hand none the less.
As the sobs gave way to sniffles and Magnus quiet words rang between them Alec crumpled further and despite knowing his hand would fall right through Magnus in the memory it didn't stop him from reaching out and trying to comfort him before he was clutching his own chest over his heart as if each word was stabbing into it directly.
"...He didn't need to tell everyone. I could..I could live with being his dirty little secret as long as I could be with him. Just...just Jace. If he could tell Jace?...I knew if he ever told him it meant that he chose me...that I-that I was enough. That he felt it too. That...that if he did it would be because he didn't care that Jace knew because he didn't want him anymore...that he just wanted me. I should've known better. He was never going to chose me, I don't know why I ever thought he would. Why would he? I'm pathetic. His pathetic pet warlock panting after him making an idiot out of myself and not catching the hint that it wasn't the same for him. I was just there and willing. I should be grateful...even if it wasn't me he really wanted...I had part of him even if it was only for a little while...even if it wasn't real for him. I'll take what I can get. It was-it was nice while it lasted...thinking he felt something for me too."
"By the Angel...I don't even...how am I going to fix this? I broke him. How did I never see this? I know he cares about me but I never...I never realized he felt this much for me, I'd just assumed that I was...I mean...He has so much experience I never thought that I was that importa-God you should have killed me when you got here, I would have deserved it, I'll never forgive myself for this" Alec choked out and Isabelle already knew she had about 50 half formed ideas that all revolved around making it beyond clear how he felt about Magnus and that he wanted to be with him and only him and knew that however he did it, she would be helping him. And so would the rest of their group if they knew what was good for them.
"I'll help you. We all will, you will fix this and you two will be together and spend the rest of your life being sickeningly happy and in love if its the last thing I do on this planet. I know this has all been awful but unfortunately there's more so just keep watching."
As much as she wanted to pull him out of the memory and spare him from the truth of how Magnus really saw himself, how he'd considered using a potion...one that he'd even taken the time and effort to find to actually change his physical appearance so drastically just so he could look like Jace because he honestly believed that's what Alec wanted and thought it might change whether or not Alec was willing to be more open about them. She couldn't do it. He needed to know this if he was going to be in a serious relationship with Magnus. He couldn't do anything to repair his self esteem if he didn't know or understand how deep Magnus own self loathing actually ran, and just how painfully insecure he was.
Alec was shy enough he had trouble giving out compliments, if this wasn't enough to get him to brave through his own discomfort nothing would.
By the time they were finally leaving the memory she was grateful she'd had the sense to make sure they were on the bed first because the second they left Alec completely fell to pieces.
Soon there was banging on the door and she got up to let a worried Jace rush through the door and realized he must have felt Alec's distress through their parabatai bond and saw him hovering over the bed uncertainly shooting glances at Izzy.
"What in Raziel's name did you say to him?!" he asked wide eyed, she didn't blame him...considering how much control Alec normally had over his emotions seeing him like this was probably more than a little disconcerting.
"It wasn't what I said, it was the memory of what happened after you all left. It wasn't pleasant...we are all going to need to help him fix this." she murmured to him softly sitting once more beside her brother and running a comforting hand through his hair and suddenly Alec shot up eyes frantic and voice pleading.
"I need you to help me fix this! Please. I'll do anything you want just help me fix this. I love him, I love him and I cant- I can't lose him. I can't. I wont. "
Isabelle and Jace shared a brief glance of understanding before Jace was quickly moving out the door with a short "I'll go get the others and we can start planning" over his shoulder.
There was something about the fierce determination in Alec's eyes that gave her hope that everything would be okay. And if she was mentally contemplating future weddings and how amazing it would be to have a Warlock brother in law? She would keep it to herself...for now at least.
Alec POV
He might be the stupidest person to have ever walked the earth. He was definitely the most oblivious.
If it's the last thing he ever did in any dimension? He would fix this. He refused to lose Magnus Bane, absolutely and completely refused. He knew how he felt now and he couldn't let him go if he tried. He didn't care what it took or how long it took or what he needed to do to prove himself he'd do it. His heart officially belonged to one person and now that he'd admitted it to himself and faced the suddenly very real possibility that his relationship with Magnus could be destroyed by his actions...that everything between them, that every chance they'd had for the future could be gone forever? Was terrifying. And he knew there was no way he could give up Magnus. Absolutely none.
Any ideas he'd ever had about how serious Magnus was about him were long gone, any insecurities he'd had himself over being just one in a possibly long line of others during the hundreds of years Magnus had been alive had vanished watching that memory he wished he could burn from his mind forever. His life goal was for Magnus to never doubt for one single second he was in love with him and wanted him and only him, for as long he would have him.
He had so many regrets now over how he'd handled their relationship, over his assumption over both the true depth of Magnus' feelings for him as well as the idea that Magnus couldn't possibly need reassurance over their relationship. He'd been wrong on both counts. Why had he denied what he was feeling for so long? Why had he let his fears hold him back? Why had he been trying so hard to fight how Magnus made him feel?
Izzy was right. He was repressed. He had been hiding behind an impossible fantasy he KNEW was impossible just because it was impossible and that made it safer than admitting his complex feelings for Magnus because he'd never felt anything like it before and it was terrifying and overwhelming and made him want to do things that would probably destroy his current life. And that was scary...beyond scary, he had his comfort zone, everything he knew and had ever known and being with Magnus made him want to do things that would change all of that, it made him want to take him out on real dates and hold his hand in public and tell people, tell everyone because he was happy and wanted to shout it from the rooftops and kiss him regardless of who is watching...something he wanted to do almost any time he looked at Magnus. Being with Magnus made him want to say forget everything and turn his back on all of it and that was absolutely insane and more than a little frightening ...which had lead him to being essentially locked into terrified paranoia whenever other people were around the two of them in the same place together and caused him to avoid Magnus in an effort to keep himself from doing anything he wasn't sure he was ready for. And it was officially coming back to bite him in the ass.
He knew he felt more for Magnus than he did for Jace, it'd been something he'd realized fairly recently...but hearing Izzy break it down for him? That not only did he not feel that way about Jace but chances are he never did, that Jace was just someone safe he could focus on to keep himself away from anyone else because of what could happen if he did find real love? Was like a light bulb going off over his head, because each word out of her mouth FELT like some deep truth he hadn't been willing to accept but now that he heard it he couldn't un-hear it and he honestly didn't want too. That stubbornness...that fear...all of the fears he'd been to afraid to even acknowledge...because of it he could lose Magnus forever...Angel could he use a magically altered cocktail right now. Or ten.
How had he never realized what his refusal to tell anyone...not his sister or his closest friends that they were together would effect Magnus? How had he never realized how his paranoia induced distance was going to look to Magnus when it seemed like all the attention he wasn't giving to him was going to Jace who he apparently believed he was merely a placeholder for. An idea that honestly tore at his heart because all he could see now was how SURE Magnus seemed that that was the case, when it couldn't be further from the truth. If anything Jace had been a placeholder for Magnus...a placeholder for the day someone special came along who made him want to give up everything. A placeholder for the love he hadn't quite been ready to give. But Magnus was special, and he was ready to love him now.
The idea of his boyfriend, who was beautiful and stunning and so unique in the best of ways had not only considered using a dangerous potion to change his appearance to what he thought Alec wanted had shocked him...but finding out that he'd actually gone out and found said potion and the only thing that had kept him from taking it was fear? First that it would work and needing to live with the knowledge that he needed a potion to alter himself for his boyfriend to want to be with him because on his own he wasn't enough and then there was the second fear that it wouldn't work...because it wasn't his looks that were the problem, maybe it was just him- his personality that was just too much for Alec to ever want to consider being open about them to other people? It killed him. It honestly killed him that his careless fear driven actions had caused Magnus to ever consider changing himself. Especially when who he was? Was what had attracted Alec to him in the first place. It made him special, everything about him made Alec want him...made him love him...from his glitter and outfits he would never understand but appreciated because of how amazing his boyfriend looked in them to his cat-like eyes and just everything about him, everything that made him Magnus Bane was absolute perfection to Alec.
And he should have told him. Should have sucked it up and not worried about sounding love sick or stupid, should have ignored the potential for embarrassment and told Magnus every day all the different things that Alec loved about him. Told him how he wouldn't change anything, not one gelled strand of hair on his head, not one speck of glitter or lipstick, not his clothes, not his personality, not his blood...nothing. Because he was already perfect exactly how he was. He swore to himself if he got the chance? He would tell Magnus at least twice a day how perfect and amazing he was.
He would let out all his thoughts about gorgeous eyes that made him tongue tied sometimes and how amazing Magnus ass looks in those damn red leather pants and how watching Magnus do magic did something to him and got his pulse racing and how the way Magnus smiled or laughed sometimes made his heart stutter in his chest. He would tell him everything, all of it. He'd probably be blushing so hard his face might actually catch fire but he hoped if it did his Warlock boyfriend would be kind enough to put out the flames...if only so he could hear the rest of the compliments Alec wanted to tell him.
he was shaken from his thoughts when Jace pushed his door open and came into the room followed by Clary and Simon who locked the door behind him as he stepped inside.
"So how are we doing this?" Clary asked sitting on the bed and crossing her legs giving Alec her undivided attention and when everyone else turned to him with determination in their eyes he felt a wave of affection. Why had he been so afraid to tell them? Here they all were ready to help him try to earn the forgiveness of the man he loved and prove to him that he was the only one he wanted.
"First off let me officially state that I am dating Magnus Bane, and I'm completely and hopelessly out of my head in love with him. And your support means more to me than any of you can possibly understand and I'm so grateful you can all expect really amazing birthday gifts this year. Second I need your help to figure out a way to convince Magnus that I love him and that I'm serious about him and hopefully start on the process of earning his forgiveness, Izzy's memory was bad. I wont give you details because it was extremely personal but I need to do something big. I'm open for ideas...please"
They were all grinning at him and both Izzy and Clary had tears in their eyes and the unmistakable look of pride on their faces, those two had known he was gay and while they didn't ever out him they did try to convince him that he would feel better about everything if he could just say the words out loud. Admit it.
Turns out they were right.
A/N: This is not just a very long angsty one shot! Cross my heart there will be more. This I actually wrote pretty much all of this out before my first chapter of 'The Littlest Lightwood and The Warlock' went up as my very first Shadowhunters fic, I just hadn't finished Alec's part of this one yet so that ended up going out first.
Please read and review!
Love & Hugs
-Jazz