Author's Note: A little diversion for poor, besieged Corvus, who is up to her beak in schoolwork. AU and kind of silly. I have no regrets.
Not Quite a Dogpile
Hermione was warm. No, not warm. Practically boiling.
"Unghhhhhh," she moaned in her sleep, trying to kick her legs out from under the heavy sheets and furry blankets that were pressing down upon her and practically smothering her to death.
Wait. Furry blankets?!
A loud snore pierced the air.
Hermione's eyes went wide as she realized that she was not alone in her bed. She tried to use her arm, but someone or something was laying on it as though it were the most comfortable pillow in the world. As her eyes adjusted to the odd glow coming from the feathery body that lay strewn about on her right arm, she realized with a shock that it was a phoenix. Fawkes, to be exact!
A snort to her left made her turn her head and she realized that there was a large black-furred bear sleeping wedged up against the wall, its hot, hairy back pressed against her side. Thankfully, her other arm was spared from being crushed by the bear's immense weight, but she found herself trying to sit up slightly to see what was lying on top of her.
She nearly cried out in surprise when she saw the extent of her unusual bedfellows.
Two red foxes lay curled nose to tail in a circle on her chest, both laughing quietly as their paws twitched in their sleep. Between them lay a rabbit, who lay almost human-like on its back, its long legs stretched out and elevated by one of the fox's tails while the other tail served as a fluffy pillow. One of it's long legs twitched in its sleep and Hermione began to wonder if the foxes and the rabbit were dreaming about the same chase.
Hermione's abdominal muscles were beginning to hurt from holding her neck up, so she steadied herself with her free hand, taking in the image of a very familiar tabby cat with spectacle markings lying over her lower belly with a fieldmouse tucked between her paws, both soundly snoring. There was also a hedgehog perched on the cat's back, making her look like a strange, quilled cat hybrid at first glance. The hedgehog's tiny legs were splayed out and it snuffled somewhat loudly before drifting into a deeper sleep. Hermione's left leg had a jack-russell terrier slumped over it, its tail wagging slightly and hitting the bear's rump as they both slept on, and she nearly swore when she tried moving her toes and realized that her leg had gone to sleep a long time ago. The heavy thing that was lying between her knees seemed to be a tortoise, which was tucked into its shell dreaming about whatever reptiles dream of. She was eminently grateful that both the horse and the stag were simply lying together next to her bed, their heads resting on the right side of her bed, leaving the other leg free….well...that was not exactly true.
Finally, she realized that something large and white was perched on her foot. It couldn't be a ghost because it was heavy and she could feel the talons through the duvet. It let out a melodic sigh as it breathed with its head tucked into its shoulder, and Hermione realized that a giant albino peacock was roosting on her foot. Around its featured neck like a furry stole lay a small little ferret, and Hermione wondered at how either of them could manage to sleep in such an uncomfortable-looking position. A white dove sat on her ankle in front of the peacock, its head tucked into its wing.
It was then that the bear rolled onto its back and she realized it was clutching a massive black dog and a wolf in both of its arms like a pair of massive stuffed toys.
"Bloody hell," she murmured softly, her mind swimming as she fought to remember what exactly had happened to lead her to this bizarre situation, "and what exactly was I up to last night that would lead to a bed full of animals?!"
Crookshanks was glaring at her from the windowsill and she tried to give him a sympathetic look, even though she knew that even a half-kneazle would have trouble interpreting it.
"Don't even start! Your bloody foot isn't being used as a giant pillow by a bunch of random animals, Crooks!" she hissed, "you could at least do the decent thing and go for help!"
Crookshanks stretched lazily and stuck his big, fluffy orange tail straight up in the air, giving Hermione a very prominent view of his anus before hopping off his window perch and walking lightly toward the door. Hermione could have sworn that he was walking in a decidedly taunting sort of way and she scowled at the back of him.
The minutes seemed to stretch on for an eternity. Hermione wasn't sure if she could shift the creatures off of her.
When she heard padded feet returning, her heart swam with joy. Crooks had come through for her after all! She mentally began to imagine what sorts of rewards she would purchase for him the next time she was at Diagon Alley, though she was also beginning to think that he deserve a fresh Atlantic salmon all to himself.
Instead, a long, nearly serpentine furry figure stood on its hind paws and crossed them, staring at her in an approximation of a scowl.
Hermione, I know that you're not a complete dunderhead. I am certain that you will figure out that there is a very easy way to get out of your current predicament.
The voice was very clear and very familiar indeed. She'd know that snarky tone anywhere.
"Severus!" She gasped, thinking back to their joint project on combining Potions with Transfiguration charms and…
There you go. You're getting closer. I knew you were a clever witch.
She thought frantically. Fawkes had gotten involved, his musical song and freely offered tears becoming the cornerstone of their project, which would purify the mind and allow for one to develop the desired result...which was…
Come on, now, Hermione. I know you don't honestly think that a talking weasel is a normal, everyday occurrence.
Hermione's mind filled with comprehension.
"You're not a weasel!" She hissed back at him, "You're an otter!"
And…?
"And...and...oh no...that means that everyone…"
Ding! Ding! We've got a winner!
Hermione finally remembered that she and Severus had presented their findings with a huge reception in the Great Hall where all the prominent members of the Ministry and those with power, as well as her friends, all came to visit. And then...something had gone wrong...she remembered a cloud of smoke and instinct had made her activate the Portkey that she kept on her wrist at all times, which would transport her safely to her room up in Gryffindor tower.
And then...darkness.
Remember, Hermione.
Severus-the-otter had climbed up onto her bed and easily navigated around Fawkes with a very indignant squeak as the bird thrust out a wing and left him with a smattering of sparks on his nose. Finally, Hermione felt his cool nose on her cheek.
Please. Turn your head and look into my eyes….please...remember…
Hermione's heart sped up and she knew that she could not refuse his request.
His dark eyes peered into hers and she felt his mind brushing against hers, pulling memories to the surface as the aftereffects of the spell fought hard to keep her from seeing them.
Hermione saw herself brush her fingers against his in the laboratory, both of them blushing scarlet when they tried to speak at the same time. Then there was the night he'd taught her to dance, and the evening she'd taught him how to make s'mores in the fireplace, and how they'd laughed when Dumbledore had stuck his nose through the floo without warning and gotten a face full of sticky white confection.
The man truly had mellowed after the war, especially with his upcoming wedding to the former Minister of Magic. Dumbledore had been utterly speechless and had blushed mightily when Fudge had proposed in the middle of the Order of Merlin ceremony. But since Severus had begrudgingly accepted the honor of Best Man, Dumbledore was constantly sticking his nose in through the floo with all manner of emergencies, such as whether or not they should go with parsley green table settings or if wearing the same shade of robes was tacky or classy. Needless to say, after the marshmallow incident, Albus had taken the hint and only sent one or two owls a week instead.
And then, Hermione could feel her breath grow shallow and her heart quicken as she remembered their first kiss under the stars, the heady rush of pleasure as he took her in his bed, and the utter bliss of falling asleep together, their bodies so close that they felt as one.
Hermione could feel a spark deep inside of her belly as her magic reshaped her body and she shrunk slowly until she was a chestnut-brown otter on her pillow, easily shimmying out of her bed behind Severus. Once they hit the carpet, they ran around one another in a circle, rubbing up against each other side by side, touching noses and intertwining their tails. When they'd finally finished their squeaky reunion, Severus jerked his head to the door, motioning for her to follow him.
Now then, it's time to solve our little pest problem.
Hermione cocked her head to the side as he ran ahead.
What do you mean by that?
Severus squeaked and twitched his whiskers with distaste.
I mean a certain little newsbug who seems to have a penchant for trouble.
They found Rita Skeeter in the Great Hall, moaning in pain. It seemed that she'd somehow tried to steal or sabotage the potion from the High Table, and it had backfired horribly on her, causing a giant plume of smoke to fill the Hall. Various animals lay sleeping across the floor, from a pair of roosting albatrosses in the chandelier to the American Bison that lay strewn across the end of the Slytherin table. Skeeter was the only one awake, but that was because the most concentrated blast had hit her, and she was trapped between multiple forms of animal, her body unable to take the strain and weight of so many disparate beings. Her neck was long like a giraffe's, but her head was a rhinoceros's, complete with elephant trunk and lion's mane. The top of her head was adorned with antlers and long rabbit ears hung down on either side of it at by at least two feet. Her body was short and stocky like a goat's, but her four legs were spindly and long like a stork's and the feet that jutted out were furred and scaled and it was anyone's guess as to where they came from. Her tail was long and snake-like, but at the tip there were long spikes like those on a porcupine. From the dried blood and quills on her left side, it appeared as though she'd accidentally spiked her own flank at some point, and the remaining points were embedded in the High Table as she tried to stand and fell, the table's weight doing nothing to help her awkward position.
Hermione narrowed her eyes and turned to Severus.
Well, I could say that I feel sorry for her, but I'd be lying.
Severus rubbed his nose against hers in an otter version of a kiss.
Precisely my sentiment.
It took awhile but after they held paws, their furry foreheads pressed together as they concentrated on their human forms, they both successfully transformed back into a scowling Potions Master and a glaring Transfigurations Master.
Reverse-engineering the potion wasn't a problem, and, luckily, there was just enough potion at the bottom of the shattered vial for them to analyze and figure out just exactly what Skeeter had put in it. Meanwhile, Hermione had the idea of shrinking Skeeter's malformed body to the size of a pickle jar and placing the hysterically trumpeting reporter into it. She did poke holes in the top, though.
Hermione wasn't heartless, after all.
Distilling the potion into a harmless reversal concoction, Hermione transfigured it into a fine mist that filled the air throughout the castle and it awakened the wizards and witches one by one, allowing them to touch down on solid earth if they had wings before they were changed back into humans.
It was humorous when she returned to her room and found Harry, Ron, Ginny, Luna, Fred, George, Minerva, Filius, Pomona, Neville, Lucius, Narcissa, Draco, Regulus, Sirius and Lupin looking very sheepish indeed. When Hagrid finally came up into the Great Hall rubbing his head and talking about having had a very strange dream that he was galloping around the grounds with Fang as a great big dragon, it was plain to see that everything was rapidly going back to normal.
Within the next couple of weeks, the number of people on the Animagus registry almost exploded. An entire series of articles were released detailing the struggle of the Healers at St. Mungo's, who had tried all number of treatments for Rita Skeeter's terrible affliction in vain. It was looking as though she was going to be spending the rest of her life as a freak show attraction.
"You do know that's an insult to freak show attractions," Severus quipped as he looked over her shoulder while she was reading the Prophet, causing Hermione to nearly spit out her tea.
He squeezed her hand gently under the table and smiled in a way that only Hermione ever seemed to see properly- a special smile that was reserved for her and her alone.
"All things considered, I think that everything turned out well, as long as Dumbledore stops sending you doily patterns in the middle of the night," Hermione retorted as two owls dropped down with a number of papers detailing possible seating arrangements.
"I wish I'd never taken the bloody man up on his request. Damn him for knowing that I always keep a promise!" Severus groused, but Hermione could see that he was secretly proud of being given the honor, especially after everyone had found out the truth- about how he'd gone back in time, given all of his memories to his younger self before dissolving into a time paradox, allowing himself to literally save thousands of lives and prevent a second war.
So much had changed, most for the better, though Hermione could still see that both Fred and George were stuck with long, red fox ears sticking out the top of their fiery red hair, and it seemed as though the back of Ron's robes started wagging back and forth every time he saw a biscuit. But, in the end, her friends and family were safe, and Rita Skeeter was cursed with having a permanent scent of pickles on her misshapen body.
Hermione grinned mischievously.
"I'll race you to the Black Lake," she said, her eyes dancing with mischief.
Severus stared back with an arched brow, a smirk playing at his lips as he considered her suggestion.
"Four legs or two?" He purred back, rubbing a circle around her thumb with his own.
"Four, of course!" Hermione replied from behind her newspaper, and suddenly she was gone.
No, that wasn't right. A tiny serpentine streak of chestnut fur ran out from under the High Table and the chase was on. Severus shifted almost immediately, his slightly larger bulk acting as a natural accelerant as his claws clicked against the stone floor. The door had just been opened by Hagrid, who was bringing in a large pumpkin and didn't see the two otters, who dashed through his feet and down the stairs like lightning.
Then they were running down the gravely walkway and into the tall grasses, squeaking with delight. Severus nipped Hermione's tail, which made her turn her head and automatically slow down, allowing him to take the lead.
In the end, they both seemed to hit the water together at the same time, but Hermione was the one who came up with his tail in her mouth.
Soon, a flurry of other animaguses in their animal forms streamed out of the castle, many not wishing to ruin such a beautiful day. As the giant squid did pirouettes and Severus swam belly to belly with Hermione, breaking the surface of the water with mutual squeaks of joy, it was easy to see that all was finally right with the world, even if things had gotten a little hairy for awhile.
Author's Post-script: I got a request or two for the list of characters and their animagus forms. Now, no cheating. Guess your ideas first before looking below!
Fawkes: Himself
Black Bear: Regulus Black
Black Dog: Sirius Black
Wolf: Remus Lupin
Tortoise: Neville Longbottom
Jack-Russel Terrier: Ron Weasley
Horse: Ginny Weasley
Stag: Harry Potter
Cat: Minerva McGonnagall
Fieldmouse: Filius Flitwick
Hedgehog: Pomona Sprout
White Peacock: Lucius Malfoy
Dove: Narcissa Malfoy
Weasel: Draco Malfoy
And, of course: Otters (black and chestnut colors, respectively): Severus and Hermione