~~Much thanks again to my Beta EverlastingMuse. *bows*
Kurt pushed open the door and stood in the doorway. He was afraid to actually cross the threshold, like that simple action would make things more real. The room itself didn't look very different from the last time he had been here, although there were certain things missing and it wasn't quite as messy as usual. Usual, Kurt thought to himself, what is ever going to feel usual anymore?
His eyes flitted to the bed; Kurt always wondered how his brother managed to sleep in it. The bed was made, a little unusual, but the pillows were askew like maybe the last time he had been home he had laid on the bed for a nap or used the pillows to bolster himself on the floor while he played his video games. He, Kurt thought as he closed his eyes and rubbed at his temples, fighting off an emotional headache, I can't even think or speak his name, because that might make this more real and not some horrible nightmare that I am going to wake up from anytime now.
Kurt's eyes opened and he gingerly stepped over the threshold and into the room. I should probably offer to pack this up for Carole- keep her from finding his special box of 'reading material'. Kurt couldn't even begin to imagine how his step-mother had felt, having to pack up her sons' items at the dorm, being there with Noah Puckerman, his best friend, his roommate, the person who had seen him last. I hope Puck had the sense to do the same at the dorm room- to claim and pack any of his 'unquestionables' as his own. And then there was his dad; Kurt couldn't help but worry about his dad, his heart, his health; losing the son Kurt had always felt he really wanted. It wasn't like Kurt doubted his father's love or his place in Burt's life, but just like with everyone else, Burt Hummel was immune to his charms and they had quickly formed a pseudo father-son relationship much to Kurt's own chagrin.
Kurt laid down on the bed, curling up into himself, facing away from the door and just breathing, inhaling the scent that was just so uniquely him. A weird combination of typical boy; sweat mixed with sugary-sweet, mixed with some strange cologne that Kurt himself would never wear but whenever he smelt it, his lips instinctively turned up into a smile and his head whipped around, looking for, searching anywhere for the tall, awkward, quarterback turn glee club leader, goofball of a brother. Kurt felt the dampness streaming down his cheeks and he turned more into the pillows to muffle his sobs.
"Hey you" Kurt heard a soft voice before a pair of familiar arms wrapped around him and he scooted over on the bed, making room, allowing the other boy to join him, their bodies molding together from memory and experience. "Your trip to the bathroom seemed to be taking a long time, even for you."
"Everyone else still downstairs?" Kurt asked.
"Mmmhum" Blaine murmured. "Mostly everyone has left, but Carole was digging through a couple of boxes for some things she thought Rachel would want. And Quinn was still talking to Puck when I came up." Kurt nodded in his arms. "Are you ok?"
Kurt's response was something between a sob and a chuckle. "God, that was stupid of me" Blaine whispered. "Of course not ok." Blaine placed a small kiss to Kurt's cheek. "I hate that in your young life Kurt, you've lost two people you love, two members of your family. It's not fair Kurt, and it sucks and I wish I could tell you I understand but you know it's just all words. I'm not even that close with most of my family, save Cooper of course, but I'd still be wreck if I lost any of them."
"Don't compare losing him to losing my mom" Kurt snuffled. "My mom loved me and she and Dad were my whole world and then she was gone and I was almost too young to understand it but I had no choice. He just lived across the hall for a while."
Blaine pulled Kurt up to a sitting position and turned him so they were facing each other. "Kurt" his voice was firm and insistent. "Fi-" Kurt fixed Blaine with a hard glare, "he was more than someone who just lived across the hall. I know how you felt about him. He was your brother and he was your friend."
Kurt threw himself at Blaine's chest and pounded on him. "He is my brother, not was, is! Nothing is going to change that. But I'm not delusional, I know what he felt, or rather didn't feel for me."
"You're kidding right, Kurt?" Rachel said softly from the doorway. Her eyes rimmed red, the engagement ring he had given her hanging on a chain around her neck. "You have to know how much he loved you. How he felt he was never a good enough brother to you."
Kurt shook his head in disbelief as Rachel came in and sat beside him on the bed.
"Rachel is right" Quinn's voice said from the doorway where she was leaning against Puck. Both of their eyes were red but not as much as Kurt or Rachel's. "Even Karofsky and Azimio could tell how much he loved you, even if they didn't understand the difference between romantic and platonic love. Finn," Kurt visibly flinched at the mention of his name, "might have felt like he had to love you once your parents married, you became family and all of the Karofsky bullying and threatening came to light, but I have no doubt that he loved you more than he loved anyone else in this room- except Rachel."
Kurt shook his head. "You were engaged" he said to Rachel, "you were his first love" his eyes flickered up to Quinn, "and you were his best friend- for almost his entire life" Kurt's steely eyes met Puck's hazel ones.
"Look" Puck said, his posture stiffening, "I don't do this feelings crap, ok, so I'm just gonna say this once. Yeah he was my boy, my best bud for over a decade and we were like brothers. But once you came into the picture, once you really became his brother, there was this shift. And it's fine, I'm not upset, it only makes sense Kurt. But c'mon, you're smart Kurt, and if I was able to see this, if I could tell this had happened, you had to have known it too." Puck propelled Quinn into the room, the two of them sitting on the much too small bed, the friends creating a circle-like form around Kurt who was leaning against Blaine.
Kurt let the warmth and comfort of the bodies around him soothe him but part of him wanted to yell at all of them to get off the bed because they were going to absorb all of the scent that was left. "I guess when I think of him, think of us, I just keep seeing sophomore Kurt and how he was terrified to sing a song to me, scared of what everyone would think."
"You once told me you loved him" Rachel said softly and Kurt just shrugged his shoulders, there was no point in hiding it amongst this group. "You don't forget your first love Kurt, I should know, he is mine too."
Kurt moved from Blaine's embrace to hug Rachel, once his fiercest competition, now one of his closest allies. "Anyone would be silly to begrudge you your feelings Rachel- your love was not unrequited. But I can't help but feel like I'm not entitled to feel like this."
"No one gets to tell you how to feel, how to grieve" Blaine said simply but hesitantly.
Quinn got up from the bed and moved over to the desk and took something off the bookshelf. She turned on the TV and the gaming system, opening it to insert something. "Come here, all of you" she gestured to the floor near the end of the bed. The group shifted off the bed and onto the floor. The title sequence for Burt and Carole's Wedding DVD appeared on the screen and Kurt went to stand up.
"No, I can't, I can't" Kurt said shaking his head, as Blaine and Rachel struggled to keep him on the floor between them.
"You need to Kurt" Rachel sniffed. "I think it would do us all some good."
Quinn forwarded the video to the part she was looking for and then let it play. There was a sudden gasp of breath from all of them simultaneously as the voice of the person they were mourning, filled their ears and the screen of the tv. As he sang a touching tribute to his mother, his new brother, his girlfriend, the group of teens on the floor silently sobbed for the memory of their dear friend.
When the song ended, Quinn shut off the video. There were fresh tear tracks on everyone's face but their were also smiles, not sad smiles either, but genuine smiles.
"Dude" Puck sniffled, "don't try to tell me that you can watch that and not know how much you meant to him."
Kurt shook his head, "I guess that is very damning evidence." Kurt stood up and hugged Quinn from behind as she replaced the dvd on the shelf above his desk. "Thank you Quinn" he mumbled softly into her hair.
"I should probably head home to my dads" Rachel said as she stood and hugged everyone good bye.
"Me too" Quinn said as she moved around the room to hug everyone and walked out with Rachel.
"Blaine" Puck nodded, "do you think you can give Kurt and I a little bit of time?"
Blaine looked at Kurt who just shrugged before nodding. "Sure, I'll just go and see if Burt or Carole need any help with anything." Blaine reached over to squeeze Kurt's hand before leaving the room.
Kurt and Puck sat in silence on the bed once Blaine left. After a couple of minutes, Kurt raised a perfectly groomed eyebrow at Puck. "Ok- what?" he asked.
"I've already stated I am shit at this kind of crap so I'm just going to try to blunder through as best as I can" Puck explained. "But I guess he hadn't phoned you or emailed you about anything that was going on with him in the last couple of weeks?"
Kurt shrugged his shoulders, "We've talked sure, but nothing sticks out in my mind as to why you would want to speak to me alone- should it?"
"Trust me" Puck supplied, "if he talked to you about this, you would remember."
Kurt crossed one leg over the other. "Ok, you've piqued my curiosity. What was going on with Fi- my brother?"
Puck took out his phone and brought up his photo gallery and thumbed through a couple of photos. He passed the phone over to Kurt. "Who does that remind you of?"
Kurt looked at the young man in the photo. "Am I supposed to know who this is? Because I've never seen this guy before in my life" Kurt replied.
"No, I don't imagine you would know him, but who does he remind you of? Who does he look like?" Puck pressed.
Kurt pressed his lips together and considered the photo. "I don't know, I guess it looks a little like Sebastian."
"Sebastian? Who the fuck is Sebastian?" Puck swore.
"Sebastian Smythe, the Warbler lead that kept trying to steal Blaine from me. The one that almost blinded Blaine. The one that blackmailed Rachel with the nude photos of-"
"Oh the photos," Puck cut in, "yeah ok, I remember him now. But no, that wasn't who I was thinking of."
"Well, who were you thinking of?" Kurt asked.
"You, Kurt."
"I look nothing like Sebastian Smythe or this guy" Kurt scoffed as he thrust the phone back at Puck.
"I didn't say you looked like the Warbler douche, I don't even remember what he looks like really. But I do think you and Kent here" Puck gestured to his phone, "share some similarities."
"His name is Kent" Kurt scoffed.
"I kid you not" Puck raised his hands in surrender. "Anyhow, you're both tall, lean, good looking in an obviously gay sort of way, and the hair. It's totally the same."
Kurt looked at Puck sideways. "Do you need to tell me something Puck?"
Puck shook his head, "no, this is all about him, not me." Puck shuffled to a different photo. "Here, they had a couple of classes together, that is how he met Kent and they became friends. He even told me that Kent reminded him of you."
"I guess I can see how he would say that" Kurt said softly thinking about how his brother seemingly had seeked out someone like him to spend time with. Perhaps he wasn't the only one missing their days of shared routines and family closeness- not that Kurt would have openly admitted to anyone just how much he missed the taller teen.
Kurt noticed Puck seemed to pause, like he had more to say but wasn't sure how to say it. "Obviously there is more- spit it out."
Puck shook his head as if clearing his thoughts, "Hey, are you and Blaine back together? Or what exactly is going on with the two of you here?"
Kurt's eyebrows shot up into his forehead. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Nothing" Puck shrugged, "but you have to admit the two of you seem more than just friends."
"We're just friends- ish" Kurt explained. "It's complicated- not that it's any of your business."
Puck shuffled his phone to another photo and held it out to Kurt, "What do you make of this?"
Kurt looked at the photo quizzically. It was kind of dark and hard to make out but it looked like a couple kissing. "I don't know the photo is kind of dark and blurry. It looks like a couple kissing but I can't tell who- oh no- please don't tell me you spotted Blaine at one of your frat parties."
Puck took back his phone and scrolled to a different photo, "don't worry this has nothing to do with Blaine. Here, it's still dark but it's a different angle."
Kurt took the phone and looked at the photo- he gasped as he thought he recognized a figure in the photo. "Oh- nooooo- Puck that's not even funny" Kurt tried to hand back the phone but Puck wouldn't take it.
"I'm not trying to be funny Kurt" Puck said as he squatted down bringing himself to eye level with Kurt on the bed, putting his hands on Kurt's knees for balance. "I'm just showing you what I happened to come across at one of the last parties we were out at. I freaked out and pulled himout of there like no one's business, figuring he was drunk off his ass- especially when he kept asking for you like we had left you at the party. I got him back to the room, made him drink some water and I stayed up most of the night while he slept."
"Di-did you get to talk to him about it?" Kurt whispered, his eyes wide and unbelieving.
"Not a lot, no. But when Kent showed up the next morning and I answered the door," Puck paused brought a hand up to run over his head. "He asked me if I was 'Kurt'."
Kurt felt like someone had just punched him in the stomach. "No, no, no, no" Kurt kept whispering over and over.
"I need you to let me finish ok -" Puck looked at Kurt, waiting for him to calm down. "I asked Kent what he meant and he said that, well, that -" Puck took a deep breath to continue. "Kent told me that Finn," Puck and Kurt both swallowed heavily at the sound of his name, "that he talks about you all the time. How awesome you are, how talented you are, how smart you are. Kent also said that the night they were making out, he could have sworn that," Puck dropped his voice to a whisper, "Finn called him 'Kurt'."
Puck watched a twin tear tracks streaked down Kurt's face. "I don't want to hurt you anymore about this- but there is a little more." Kurt nodded and wiped at his eyes. "I told Kent that I was not Kurt and I picked up that photo he has framed of the two of you on his desk and told Kent 'this is Kurt'."
"He had a photo of us framed on his desk?" Kurt whimpered. "Oh it must be that one from all of us at Nationals, or the one of us with Dad and Carole at the wedding" he said softly.
Puck shook his head. "Nah, it's just the two of you- on the couch in your pyjamas, maybe watching a movie, you both look asleep though, your head in his lap, one of his hands in your hair, another on your upper arm." Puck stopped for a second as a faint blush crept up Kurt's blotchy face. "Kent left then, and I haven't seen him around since. I've tried to ask Finn about Kent but he just kinda brushed me off each time. I had just started suggesting that maybe he needed to call you, or email you, or text you because he obviously had something going on and he didn't want to talk to me about it."
"B-but, he, he di-didn't" Kurt sobbed.
Puck stood up and moved to sit beside Kurt on the bed and wrapped his arms around him. "I know, I know" he soothed as tears starting sneaking down his face. "I mean obviously, I couldn't tell you while Berry, Q and Blaine were here but I figured you deserved to know man. He loved you- that much I am sure of, and I'm not entirely convinced it was just platonic. I know it sucks, the timing sucks, but I think you deserved to know. I think he would have wanted you to know. " Puck held Kurt as he sobbed softly. "Should I have kept it to myself?"
Kurt shook his head. "No, no, thank you for telling me. Even if it's just all made up in some strange effort to make me feel better, thank you."
"I'm not making this up Kurt, you saw the pictures."
"I did see some pictures" Kurt nodded, "a couple of dark photos and then two photos of a guy that maybe-sort-of-kind-of-might look like me. And heard a wonderful story that no one can back up."
"I can probably take you to meet Kent" Puck offered.
"No- it's ok. Really Puck. And thank you" Kurt sighed, straightening himself and wiping at his face.
"Hey Kurt- c'mere for a moment" Kurt heard his dad call out to him on his last day in Lima before returning back to NYC.
"Yeah dad" Kurt eagerly replied as he walked into the kitchen where Burt and Carole were sitting.
Burt Hummel had a laptop open in front of him. "We can't figure out the password to Finn's laptop. Could you give it a shot? I'd like to take Finn's stuff off of there, see if we can close down his email too and I'll take the laptop down to the shop so I can get rid of that large POS on my desk."
"Sure, I'll give it a go" Kurt said as he picked up the laptop and took it upstairs. Kurt typed in a couple of different possible passwords unsuccessfully before the hint popped up. "sm yrbk pg61 name#" Kurt pondered the hint for a few moments before he stood up and reached up onto the shelf and took down his sophomore year Thunderclap. When he turned to page 61 there were football team photos. But especially in the bottom corner there was a picture of himself, hoisted in the air by the other players after he had kicked the winning field goal in that one game he had played. Kurt typed in his name and his football number and the desktop appeared.
Interesting Kurt thought to himself as he began going through the files on the laptop. He grabbed a memory stick and dumped all the photos onto it. The Kurt shifted though the videos and documents, keeping what he felt he wanted or that Carole might want before deleting the rest. Kurt uninstalled a couple of programs and games Finn had installed and cleared his cache and browser history. Then Kurt tried to sign into Finn's email using the same password and it worked. Kurt shook his head in disbelief. Then Kurt was just going to delete the whole account but there was an email in the draft folder. Kurt's curiosity won out, especially when he clicked on the folder and discovered the email was to him. Kurt double clicked to open the email.
Hey Kurt,
The semester is almost over. Are you thinking of taking summer classes? I'm not sure- I think it could be a good thing, but, I don't know. I kinda miss you dude. I think we should try to spend some time this summer together. Maybe convince mom and Burt that we need to go off somewhere together and have an adventure or maybe I'll come to you in New York or you can come home to Lima. I don't really care, just as long as we're in the same place and can hang out, and talk, and be Kurt and Finn again. I miss us.
But hey, I've met a guy here at school that reminds me a lot of you. His name is Kent, and he's tall, not as tall as me, but hey no one is right? But he is taller than Puck. We've got a couple of classes together and so we've been doing assignments and studying together. He has what Puck and I call 'Kurt' hair and he's gay too. I think at first I thought hanging out with someone that reminds me of you would be funny but it turns out it just makes me miss you.
So, how are things with you and Blaine? You know, when I showed up in the city in the fall, I knew you were already in NYC with Rach. I was so proud of you for just going and making it happen for yourself. That is one of the awesome things about you- you have next to no fear. I hated how that weekend in NYC, the four of us together, the thing we had all been dreaming and planning of for the better part of a year, and it just fell completely apart, never lived up to the hype, couldn't be everything we'd hoped and dreamed. I hated sneaking out that morning, not just on her, but on you. I wish I could have been there to help you through it, the way you've helped me, so many times.
Something put us on a crash course to meet through glee club, and you came along at a time when I didn't even know it but I was going to need a friend, a brother, and someone who just liked me even at my worst. So I was relieved, happy even, when you surprised me in the living room that morning in the loft. I was every bit as devastated about you and Blaine as I was about Rach and I. We might have been engaged, we might have almost married twice, but if there was ever a relationship that I thought would get it's happy ending, it was you and Blaine because you, Kurt, deserve that.
You didn't deserve what happened- but I know he still loves you, and I know you don't feel like you can trust him anymore and that trust is the biggest thing for you. I'm not going to tell you what you should do Kurt, just know that all I want, all I'll ever want is for you to be happy Kurt- no matter with who and no matter where. I wish I could have stayed in NYC and helped you through that Kurt. But I couldn't have stayed there then anymore than you could have stayed or come back to Lima at the same time. It's not that I hate New York, it just wasn't the place for me then, maybe not even now, not yet. But if it's where you are going to be, being awesome on Broadway, then I need to figure out how to make it closer to New York because this last little bit, me here in Lima and you in NYC...it's sucked!
I want to be there for your first audition, your first part; I'm going to be there opening night when your first play opens; I'm going to be there when you win your first award. The loft, with it's curtain walls and so many people in such a little space, it reminds me of the basement bedroom Kurt and that darn privacy partition and how I wanted to live anywhere, anywhere but there with you. And yet the loft is nothing like that; if anything, it's where I wish I was most days, even if I don't feel ready to tackle NYC. Sometimes I wish we could just go back, have another year or two at McKinley, you and I just across the hall.
Think about what I said, about us spending some time together soon.
Miss you but so proud of you,
Finn
Kurt was openly sobbing by the time he got to the end of the email. He couldn't help but wonder why Finn never sent it- why it was just sitting in the draft folder. Had Finn thought he had sent it and Kurt was just ignoring it? Was Finn afraid to send it? Had this been Finn's attempt to reach out to Kurt about the things Puck had mentioned? Kurt double checked the email address, hit send and then waited for his phone to signal a new email before he deleted all the emails in Finn's account and cancelled the account. He set up a new user and new passwords for his parents and then tucked the laptop under his arm to bring it back downstairs to his dad.
As he passed Finn's room though, he paused in the door again. The room was different now, mostly packed, the shelves empty, the bed stripped and ready for the people coming to pick it up tomorrow. All that was left were the ghosts of broken promises and things left unsaid; ghosts that Kurt feared may haunt him for a long time. They were making Finn's room Kurt's room now, since Kurt was rarely in Lima anyway, and Kurt's room would become a true guest room since it was bigger and had an ensuite.
Kurt stood at the gravestone- not his mothers'- and silently cursed the fact that he now had two loved ones in this cemetery. Kurt turned his head as he heard footsteps behind him. He offered a brief smile of welcome to the person now standing beside him. "Thanks for meeting me here."
"I would have come with you instead of just meeting you here" Blaine said softly as he reached for Kurt's hand, taking it into his own.
"I know" Kurt nodded, "but I needed some time to talk to him alone. To make my peace."
Blaine nodded. "I still can't believe it sometimes, you know, that he's gone."
Kurt made a noise, a half chuckle, half sob, "I know right?" Kurt swallowed back the tears threatening to burst through. "There were so many things we left unsaid, too many things we said we'd do and never did." He took a couple of deep breaths and stared at the tombstone. "I was in love him."
"I know" Blaine whispered.
"I thought I had gotten over him; once our parents married, once I met you, when we fell in love" Kurt explained.
"I know" Blaine repeated.
"But I don't think I ever got over him, I don't think I'll ever get over him. I think I'll always love him." Kurt blinked rapidly, his eyes swimming with tears.
Blaine let go of Kurt's hand and wrapped his arm around his shoulders, pulling Kurt's body into his own, rubbing his hand up and down Kurt's arm. Kurt melted into Blaine's body, resting his head against Blaine's gelled curls. "I'll never begrudge you your feelings for him."
Kurt turned to look at Blaine. "I love you" he said simply.
Blaine turned his head to look at Kurt, his mouth turning up into a wide smile. "I love you too."
Kurt reached over and took Blaine's other hand in both of his, brushing his thumbs over Blaine's knuckles. "You're still coming to New York right?"
Blaine nodded, "In just a couple of weeks- then I'll be there, hopefully for a long time."
Kurt sighed wistfully. "I never stopped loving you, you know. It would have been easier if I did. It would have been so much easier to hate you."
"I hated myself for awhile" Blaine confessed. He sighed deeply before pressing a chaste kiss to Kurt's temple. "For a while, I didn't know if I'd ever be able to like myself again without you forgiving me."
"It hasn't taken me all this time to forgive you. It didn't take me long at all in fact, but I've been scared Blaine. I'm still scared" Kurt conceded. "I can't say I'm not afraid anymore, but I'm ready." Kurt shifted his body so he was pressed up against Blaine and wrapped his arms around him. "Courage" he whispered.
Kurt watched Blaine's eyes as he swallowed thickly. "Kurt" he breathed. "What are you saying?"
"I want you Blaine; I want us to be together again" Kurt revealed. "I want to be your boy-"
Blaine pressed his lips against Kurt's effectively cutting off the rest of his words. When the kiss broke, Blaine rested his forehead against Kurt's. "There you are, again. I feel like I've been waiting for you forever." Blaine smiled, wide and genuine at Kurt.
Kurt giggled and lightly swatted at Blaine's arm. "Let's go home" he said as he pulled away slightly from Blaine.
Blaine nodded, still smiling widely.
Kurt knelt down, reached out a hand out and ghosted his fingers over the name on the stone. "Goodbye" he whispered as he stood up, tucked his arm into the one waiting for him and walked arm in arm with Blaine out of the cemetery.